Support and willingness to defend from DH
Many of us have experienced the old 'resistance to support and defend' when our DHs are faced with the choice of supporting us or defending us when the skids are being obnoxious. We are left on an island, alone, having to fend for ourselves while fighting off ploys like gaslightling, exclusion and passive aggressive games. This morning MissTexas came up with the expression which seems to describe this situation to a tee, "-- of course his balls receded like snails eyes when you touch them!" LOL
Since I married DH 28 years ago I've seen 'snails eyes' not only when he had to deal with SD issues, but in other instances when he should have had my back. I'm wondering if when he was a child he lacked the backbone to minimally defend himself against bullies. Has it carried over and all the way through his senior years? Although I have to say he had no problem defending SD when I was supposedly not understanding that HER meaness was to be tolerated because she was a poor COD.
SD has been banned from our home for 8 1/2 years and he no longer defends her but there have been times when I have had to defend myself while he slips into a corner. I have placed him on notice that this is not to happen again or he will leave.
Just wondering if any of you have noticed this lack of support not only with skids but in every day life? Do you think your DH has suffered from this since childhood would you marry this man anyway?
I'm very lucky in that
I'm very lucky in that respect. My DH is a macho, tell-it-like-it-is John Wayne type, naturally protective and loyal. His problem is that he won't parent, and for some reason the only people he won't stand up to are his sisters. He resented my disengaging because it put the onus of all the relational labor on him, but several years on he's out of the FOG and puts our marriage first.
I like the way you held your H accountable and clearly stated what would happen if he fails you again. Perhaps if you catagorize this failing of his as a disability, it will be easier to deal with? Only you know if he's lost so much of your respect that things are irreparable. It really becomes a trust issue, doesn't it?
I've generally noticed when I
I've generally noticed when I have a problem with someone in his life he jumps defend to them even if he had the same issues with them before.
For example, he used to complain all the time about MIL - I actually thought he was being mean to her and boy was I wrong- his mom is a lunatic. But now that I have a problem with her he defends her to me and acts like it's my problem. Same with SD, BM to an extent, etc. Even his cat and dog.
On the other hand he will sit there and bash his sister no problem to me because I dont have an issue with her (I agree with what he says but she doesnt really affect me so I dont ever say anything about it).
I longed for that support
I longed for that support from my husband when his daughter attacked me. When I realized it wasn't coming, I just longed for him to say, "This conflict is not your fault." I will never get either.
Miss Texas! I love Miss Texas! She has some good ones, doesn't she???
What you mentioned...about the childhood of someone who can't defend his wife to his kids... Yes, I think my husband's traumatic childhood included keeping an awful family secret that didn't come out until they were all adults. I would cut him for not defending me because of his childhood, except for the other thing you mentioned: he always seems able to defend SD to me.
So then I started thinking, maybe he defends his adult "child" because he was a child who no one defended. Maybe he really can't help himself because he's thinking no one helped him when he needed it.
But this also doesn't hold water entirely because there are plenty of bio parents defending their kids' bad behavior on this site and they couldn't all have been victims of childhood abuse, right???
And besides...my husband's shitty childhood wasn't any worse than mine and I always defended him to my family and others.
I just don't think there's any defense for a husband allowing his kids OR ANYONE to attack his wife. It's just not OK. Period.
Thanks
Thank you for your insight. I am going to ask my therapist about this and see what she says. She has said in the past that a husband should show support for his wife, even if if means just sitting by her side.
I'd like to hear her insight.
I have similar issues with my SO - and it's one of the reasons he is my SO and I would never marry him. There has been more than one occasion where he should have had my back and defended me (not just with skids) and didn't. And I think it's getting worse as he gets older because now he almost seems to find any excuse to be purposefully CONTRARY to any position/opinion/side I take.
I could say that the sky is blue and his immediate response will be, "That's not true. It's black at night." Anything to prove he is absolutely right, I am not, and he MUST make a point of it. I could tell him something terrible that happened to me at work (my boss was very abusive) and he would at best shrug his shoulders and walk out of the room with a frown on his face, or at worst indicate that whatever happened was my fault and I should just deal with it.
But. I know for a fact that if his precious princess ever brings up something upsetting to her at her job etc. he IMMEDIATELY agrees with her and cluck-clucks over whatever slight she had to experience. All the while I've sat there and said nothing but took mental notes about the disparity in treatment.
Why he does this I don't know. I know he has a very overbearing and mean-spirited mother who is extremely critical and fights with people constantly. He has admitted he hates her. I think on the surface, he avoids confrontation with most people because he doesn't want to be accused of being like her. But the sad truth is he is VERY much like her - he just does it in a passive aggressive way. I think I've become his psychological punching bag because he feels he is "safe" and can get away with it with me. If he assumes I'm so "safe" that he can keep doing it and I won't leave him, he's wrong. I've been calling him out on it more lately so we'll see if it has an impact or not.
Not to be too Freudian, but I do think his feelings towards his mother affect his relationships with other females. He was going to therapy for awhile (I basically told him he needed to and he finally agreed). However, when the therapist told him the next session they would be talking about his mother, he never went back! Now if that isn't telling, I don't know what it.
I've noticed this behavior before and I think I even posted about it once here on STalk. It was one of those occasions where he basically told me to suck it up and deal with something. He certainly wasn't like this when I first met him nor for the first few years. I never would have seriously dated him had I seen some of these behaviors early on.
So Sandy, I'd be interested to hear what your therapist's take is on your DH's behavior. IMO, I think my perfectionist-complex SO fundamentally hates most women (because of his mother-hatred) BUT the exception being SD - because he made HER and everything he does is PERFECT! Thus SD is "the" perfect female in his life and she can do no wrong and should be worshipped.
The rest of us are chopped liver.
Me too
I have just recently realized that my DH is not naturally defending me, at least to his children. They have made some very disrespectful remarks, labeled as “jokes”, to me lately, and he has pretended each time to not hear it, not understand the insult, or not believe it was anything more than a joke. I confronted him the last time and he told me I should not be upset that a “child” (SD20) was saying something insensitive. I would have never believed he would not defend me but I think since we’ve been married he has felt the sting of the kids pushing back against a new woman in his life making joint decisions about finances. I have a few other posts that explain this, but the SKIDS are adults and they bleed us dry of money every chance they get. They have obviously disliked me for stepping in and making him recognize this unhealthy pattern.
To not have the support of an SO or DH is frightening. I had no idea. And now I hope this will not continue but from reading posts on this forum apparently that doesn’t happen often or quickly. So thank you for addressing this!!
Jokes ... yeah, right.
You know what they say about humor - behind most "jokes" there is a hint (or more) of truth - at least from the teller's perspective. I'd guess they are making snide remarks about you and your DH's finances or money, at your expense. So when skids make jokes about you, I'd pipe up and say, "Did you mean for that joke to be insulting to me?" Then wait for their answer.
Agree
"To not have the support of an SO or DH is frightening." It IS frightening. There have been post on this site which describe skids physically attacking step parents. But emotional abuse is just as bad. If a joke is made to demean someone it is no longer a joke, it is sarcasm and abusive. My DH used to make sarcastic comments to me in SD's and his family's presence. I suppose that was a way to get their approval. I put a stop to it in front of his family and he never did it again.
And maybe this is the answer. They want to be so clever and leave you to defend yourself, call them out on it. I know my DH wants everyone to think he is Mr. Niceguy. The next time my DH allows anyone to abuse me or doesn't stick up for me I will turn to him and ask, "This person offended me. What are you going to do? Leave me to defend myself again? Act like a man and a husband!" This may or may not cause divorce but if it does, I will be better off without him.
But it DOES make you wonder how your DH would react if you were in physical danger. Would they be there for you or would you have to defend yourself? Yes --- Frightening.
Here is what makes me so angry
Sd and her husband and spawn are accept as we. DH and I are not accept as We. He is totally single when it comes to Skids. They will not accept him as a couple. But he bends over backwards to accept his daughters husband. This really makes me angry that DH will not stand up to her and expect the same respect for us that he gives to them. Why should Sd’s marriage be respected and ours not?
Do you think your DH has
Do you think your DH has suffered from this since childhood would you marry this man anyway?
My H never suffered this that I am aware of but if he did there is no way I could marry or respect a man that gave his b@lls for his kids to own.
I think the bottomline
I think the bottomline for me is that after all these years of seeing this so horrible sick parent/child relationship is that: DH does not have the respect for himself to see that he should not have to put up with his children’s abuse just because they are his crotch drippings. That he should have to settle for their crumbs. DH for some sick reason thinks that is love.
This is his legacy that he taught his spawn. He says they don’t have the ability to love anyone but themselves. This is what they were taught. That their parents lives don’t matter, only their own matter. Their mother and father taught them to feel they are better than every other human on this earth. They taught them that everyone around them should be OK with getting their crumbs. They taught them to have no respect for their parents.
My husband is terrified of his own children. He cannot defend me or anyone else from them because he can’t even defend himself from the evil he created.
I feel sorry for DH’s grandkid. He is already on the same sick path. Generation 4 of sickness.
Me too
This is the way SD was raised also. The best at everything. The smartest. To be waited on, catered to. SD was given everything she ever wanted except the tools to live in the real world. DH paid for college for SD. Here she is at 44 years old, she no longer works. Too many jobs where there was just something wrong with the people she worked with so she moved on to other jobs until there are no longer any options. It's too late for DH to gather up the courage to give any realistic guidance.
It does make you wonder what is going to happen to these catered to skids once DH is gone and they have to depend on themselves. They won't be able to make it on their greatness when they retire. A big wake-up call ahead.