Teenage Daughter Nightmare
I need some advice or guidance. I have lived with my boyfriend for 5 years. I have one daughter who is 12 and he has a 19 and 17 year old. Over the last two years he has had trouble with his 17 year old. She sleeps around with random boys and has been caught sneaking boys into the house several times. Recently she has been caught twice with weed and drug paraphernalia. She is also smoking Juels like crazy. My problem is her father does nothing. He gives her a talking too and if he punishes her it lasts a day. I am frustrated because one he isn’t teaching her anything about life and consequences and two she is a mess. I am concerned about my daughter and the impact or safety of my daughter living with his daughter who does as she pleases and has no remorse or consequences. I am angry with him and with his daughter. What are you thoughts? Should I even concern myself with what she does is it my business? When I talk to him we fight over it. Not sure what to think or feel.
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Well, she's not your daughter
Well, she's not your daughter. He's a crap father and you can't change that.
You have to think about YOUR daughter. Your responsibility to protect her. You don't have to stay there, you two can move out.
Yikes
Sleeping around is the worst part of having young adult SC. You definitely should worry about your daughter being exposed to that kind of behavior. I know how it feels to not be sure what your place is in regards to DH’s parenting of SD. However if I had a young, vulnerable daughter, I would totally step up and lay down the law. Does your SDs have BM in their lives? Does the 17 yo have a job or partake in after school activities? How much time does she spend with your DD? I would feel absolutely distressed and go ahead and have that fight with your DH if he insists on making it one. What is the 19 yo like? Does she also live with you? I’m trying to figure out how you can do this as amicably as you seem you’d like to. Could the 19 yo help in reeling in the 17 year at all? Does your H have any concerns about SD sexual activity? Does she have any positive female role models? What would you ideally have take place? Any chance of you coming to her as a grown woman and teach her about respecting the household? Respecting her own body? What is your relationship like with her?
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She plays sports but has been kicked off her club teams and cut from high school. We actually had to move her to another high school. She also has been fired from her job. I have a good relationship with her and I support and love her. But in my opinion she has never been given any consequences. She does not know how to handle any emotions. Her mother is in the picture but is not supportive and they have don’t have a nurturing relationship. Their dad over compensates for the mom.
Welcome to the site!
In your position, I would give my DH an ultimatum that either he tells his daughter that there will be no drugs in the house, or she needs to move out. I moved out at 17 and was perfectly fine. At this age you are pretty much an adult and you can't expect your DH to police her sexual activity outside of the home, but if he suspects she is actively taking drugs then he should tell her it's stop or leave. And enforce it ruthlessly.
I would
I would simply move out, without any ultimatums. Would explain calmly why, would tell that I love him but cannot accept the danger for me and my kid.
If he values your relationship, he will find a way to deal with his daughter and bring you back. If not, it saves you a lot of time, effort and nerves.
Why try to convince someone
Why try to convince someone who does not care that his daughter is a feral disaster?
As a responsible parent, you move out and take your child with you.
You are not married to this
You are not married to this man and you do not have children with him. When his child's actions place your child in danger, then it is time to cut ties with him. Your child's safety and well being has to be your first priority.
If walking from this man isn't something you are willing to do yet, then just allow your daughter to live with her father full time.
An impressionable 12 year old girl should not have to live in the environment you described.
Agree with this, but would add
I would not live with a man for any lenght of time without being married, with my DD in the house. It sends the wrong message to her. Yes, I realize that there is a huge difference between a stabile but unamrried relationship and casual ones, but it is still troublesome to me.
And I would add that the likelihood of abuse by an mom's BF is astronomically higher than by anyone else.
Oh goodness un-clutch your
Oh goodness un-clutch your pearls, this isn't the 50s. And I don't recall anyone asking for opinions on living with someone before marriage. Why do you always pick the most minor part of a post and find some way to underhandedly trash the OP? That must be so exhausting.
If she is bringing drugs in then call the cops on her
she is putting all your lives in danger because she is under the influence. If hubby makes pathetic excuses and denies its an issue, he is in major denial and doesn’t want to address his daughters issues.
i would never remain in a toxic home environment like this with strange men being invited over
When I talk to him we fight
Sounds like your boyfriend is in the fog.
If you must date this guy, do it from a distance. Move out. Put actual physical and emotional distance between you and your daughter and his daughters, because this is all sorts of trouble.