Disengaging makes me feel bad
Hi all, so I've been a stepmom for almost 5 years. It's been a struggle since day one. The BM is lazy and allows SS8 and SS11 to do whatever they want so she doesn't have to take care of them. Both DH and I struggle with them. SS11 is so lazy he still pee's and pooh's his pants rather then get up to go to the bathroom. We ruled out medical issues and have been in therapy with him for 4 years now. He is just lazy and seeks any attention he can get, good or bad. He smells and his room reeks. It's discusting. SS's live with us 50% of the time. One week on - one week off.
As I said DH struggles with them too. I've recently disengaged (2 weeks now). I discussed it with DH and he understands that this is it or I leave. He does as much as possible to keep the kids away from me. So I'm happy that he is trying to keep our relationship going, however I feel bad that he is going through this. He can't stand his kids either. They are disrespectful and hateful little children. I sound like a monster, and feel guilty for not liking them but it's how I feel. I wonder sometimes if he doesn't like his children because of how I feel towards them? Which also makes me feel bad.
Previous to disengagment: All of our time was spent with them. I used to spend many hrs online looking for fun crafts to do with them. Cook around their pickyness, find activities we coud do all together, plan family fun days with outdoor activities for a full day at least once a month. Play many board games etc... etc... etc... But SS11 would always ruin it but acting out.
So I'm done and Dad is left to raise them himself as mom is lazy and I have disengaged. I feel so bar for him. He is such a wonderful guy but he is also struggling and can't walk away.
Any suggestions on how I can stay in this relationship and not feel guilty and ashamed for not liking his kids?
So, if DH has them 50% of the
So, if DH has them 50% of the time, why isn't he able to implement some rules and structure at your house? BM in our situation let SS do whatever he wanted, too, but he knew the rules at our house and followed them. Is your DH a weak parent, too?
This was where I was going to
This was where I was going to go with this.
Your DH needs to be taking an ACTIVE role with his kids.. not just therapy... where he sends his kid to be "fixed" like he takes his car to the garage.
This kid didn't just become a problem at 11 all by himself. He was there full time until he split from his EX.. and now 50/50...
There is literally no reason why the kid should be stinking at your house. Your DH enforces a hygiene routine. He may show up stinking.. but within an hour of hitting the door should be freshly bathed and in clean clothing. Dad needs to remind him to go to the bathroom. If it's screen time that is keeping him from taking care of his basic needs.. then dad needs to curtail wifi and screen time in the house. Take away their electronics and only allow them a limited amount of time.
Maybe the reality is that the kid feels he gets no attention.. so "any" is better than none? Your DH should be figuring out fun things for him to do with his kids.. parent his kids.. set rules.. enforce them... give out responsibilities/chores. It needs to be consistent repetition in your home.
Thank you ESMOD. As SS8 has
Thank you ESMOD. As SS8 has severe ADHD, our house is extremely structured. We had a schedule for each child laminated and is used as placemats at the dinner table so they can review it every day. It shows everything from after school to bed time. I've taken it away now as I've disengaged and I used to enforce it. My nephew (who also lives with us) and SS8 embraced the schedule. So did SS11 but for some reason he would ruin everything we had planned. Bathroom breaks were every hr but he just didn't go. One day I sent him up to the bathroom because of his smell and as he is walking up the stairs, pooh is coming out of the bottom of his pant legs (apprently he decided to not wear underwear - he probably soiled them and it didn't replace them). He was just in the bathroom 20 min beforehand. DH taught him to do his own laundry as we couldn't handle the smelly clothes. I went to do laundry one day and found poo in the dryer. Disgusting. I was so distraught, I told DH to leave with his kids. But I calmed down and started doing research on how to handle this rather then continue to try to "fix" him. That's when I discovered this site a year ago and have read many posts to get ready for disengagement. BTW Mom still puts diapers on him at night.
The kid is going to school..
The kid is going to school.. he must not be obviously soiling himself there or you would be having that kid sent home repeatedly.. so he IS able to manage his situation at times.
It sounds like YOU did a lot of structure etc.. but you were the enforcer. Where the heck is your husband and the kids' father when they are having these issues? And.. a schedule is no good unless someone is going to remind them to get into the routine.
Consequences.. every child has currency... something they enjoy.. something they want to do.
Going to their room? maybe they don't mind going there and chilling with all their toys/electronics.
Have you cut off wifi? Have you cut off TV/Cable? Have you taken games away?
Perhaps the consequence is that your SS needs to wear diapers if he can't manage to go "on schedule"?
Maybe it's time to make another run at therapy too. It's not a "well we tried it and it didn't work" thing.. it might mean the therapist wasn't right for this situation. If one didn't work.. perhaps another.
Is the school getting involved at all? A near teen that can't manage their bathroom issues? that wouldn't be something they could overlook
Bathroom issue
He does have this problem still at school. He brings 2 changes of clothes to school everyday. The school will call when he soiled himself and mom or dad has to go to the school to make sure he changes and wipes properly. I did that only once because Dad was not able to leave work, but I haven't done it since and refuse to do it. I work full-time as well and can't always leave work. Unfortunately, we can't afford any more therapy if he doesn't participate. We've tried two so far and we pay for him to act like a toddler and annoy the therapists. I tried to take him in to get diagnosed for FASD but mom refuses and you need both parent's permission for the diagnosis. His family physician thinks we should go for full custody as mom is not an active mom (the doctor used neglegent). But I really don't want them full-time. Dad doesn't even want them full-time.
My husband puts me first and always has. His last relationship and upbringing was terrible and he is loving the stable home I created for him. I love him dearly but his kids might be the end of our relationship. I love the home we created together, he is my best friend. Our life would be perfect if not for his kids. We've both agreed that when they are 18 they are out. And if they decide to move in full-time, we will not allow that. But I feel like a shit when we talk about those things. I am ashamed that I don't like his kids.
As for internet. It is cut off from all the kids and TV has been taken away. I caught my nephew and SS11 watching something they should not have been watching so internet was cut off months ago. TV was cut off 3 weeks ago as SS11 refused to do anythign but watch TV and play on his tablet. We take away the tablet on a regular basis. To everything, he just srugges his shoulders and says ok. hard to teach him when nothing seems to bother him.
Unfortuantely he is, his kids
Unfortuantely he is, his kids just don't care when they get disciplined. We say "go to your room" and they say ok and just go. No remorse for what they've done. How do you discipline children who just don't care.
Time to send him to school
Time to send him to school covered in the stench he creates. Let his peers give him clarity. They will chew him up and spit him out in a hurry.
I thought so too Rags,
I thought so too Rags, however, he just doesn't care. He has no friends and no one wants to sit next to him at school. He lacks empathy and just doesn't care about teh others. So how do you train a kid who just doesn't care. When my dog of 15 years past, he laughed while the other kids cried. Then when his cat past, who was there his whole life, he just asked "when are we getting a new one?". There is so much wrong with him but therapy didn't work, discipline doesnt work. We tried positive parenting for a while, celebrating hiw small success/accomplishes to guide him to do more good. Paid him everytime he didn't soil himself, had one-on-one date nights to celebrate his accomplishments. But it didn't help, he just doesn't care.
Wow. What a crazy situation.
Wow. What a crazy situation. Given the additional information I would say that all that is left is to minimize the negative impact this kid has on the rest of the family as much as possible while keeping him in therapy and applying escalating age appropriate consequences for his behavioral crap.
Keep feeding the kids that behave rewards and keep applying unpleasant consequences on the one that does not.
This is all I can think of that may work to minimize the impact of this kid on everyone else.
Nothing to feel guilty about
You can not live that way. I know I could not. Let DH take care of his kids and teaching them how to take care of themselves. How about changing the mental health person, They are not doing anything, so change maybe good. Can’t hurt.
You also have to think this kid will never be normal, He May not be able to live on his own. This may be a life time think for your DH. Nothing wrong with disengagement, This kid has a BM and BF, you are not one of them.
When my husband has a problem
When my husband has a problem at work, I don't get in there and try to solve it for him. It's not my job and it's not my business.
Sure, this is in your home, so it's hard to ignore. And it sounds awful. But these kids aren't neglected -- this isn't something YOU can fix by doing more of anything if the parents are already doing everything you can think of to fix their kids. What more can YOU do?
Support your husband's efforts. Be decent to his kids. But the rest? It's on the parents.
And I get that feeling of maybe he wouldn't dislike his kids so much if you didn't. Most likely, though, you just called a spade a spade. Bringing an outsider (you) into their family unit shone some light on a problem that was already there and probably would have been ignored as long as possible if you hadn't come along.
You probably did the guy a favor because if his kids aren't bearable to an outsider, he and BM are not doing their job. Best to know that when they're still young kids and there's a chance of changing it.
Good point
marblefawn: Funny you mentioned "And I get that feeling of maybe he wouldn't dislike his kids so much if you didn't". I often ask him if I am the cause of his feelings towards his children. He says it's hard on him but his kids are just very bad children and he struggles with their attitude too. I don't really beleive him, I think he likes being in our stable and comforting relationship so much and he wants to please me to maintain it, that my being unhappy makes him dislike his kids more. Another reason for my guilt. I've decided this week to not talk about his kids with him anymore. Keep my observations etc to myself, make it eaiser on him.
He mentioned to me that he has also being reading articles on disengagment and he was happy to read that disengaging sometimes made the relationship between SS and SM much better. I think he is hoping for that. I feel for him, this can't be an easy situation for him. After such a bad childhood and an abusive marriage, he deserves happinest and to be treated with respect and love.
I understand -- my husband's
I understand -- my husband's traumatic childhood probably led to his first marriage. He tells me he knew as he walked down the aisle that he should not marry his first wife, but he did it anyway. I made mistakes like that, so I understand how childhood baggage makes us do foolish things.
But if you weren't in the picture, he'd still be dealing with his kids, no matter how bad they are. Maybe your presence is causing some new or different friction for him and/or the kids, but even good kids are a lot of work. He'd struggle on his own raising even the best kids.
I say let him work out this problem on his own because your "interference" tightens that triangulated bind you're in AND it upsets you. So what's the point?
I also don't discuss SD at all with my husband. When he comes home from seeing her, I only ask how the traffic was, never anything else about the visit. It seems a little cruel, but at the same time, in the early days, SD would invite him somewhere and tell him not to bring me and he was OK with that. If i's good enough for her, it's good enough for me. My disengagement brought me parity rather than me constantly trying to please SD only to have her insult or slight me again.
You can make up for disengaging a little. You can make a point to be more supportive to your husband in other ways -- cut him a break for leaving the gas tank empty or do something special for him when you know he had a bad day with his kids. If he's at all aware, he'll recognize what you're doing and it will be meaningful to him in spite of your disengaging. Disengaging isn't saying "you're on your own;" it's more like saying, "You handle this and I'll put you back together again when it's really tough on you."
Disengage to the point where SS is only
At your home when DH is at home. Or he’s at BM. You should not babysit this kid for DH. And any time alone with this kid is babysitting. Make DH take care of him, and not stink up the house. I think there little hope for him. I think you have to think about the future. What going to happen after school ?
I assume he is in special classes at school and is receiving services for his condition.