Need advice on how to disengage, without seeming like I don't care
This will be a long one with backstory....
I met DH 6 years ago, we've been married for 5 1/2...yes it was quick to marriage, we are both older. At the time he had a 6yo son, mine was 5. From the get go, his son would say...Oh my daddy kisses lots of girls, my step mom is my dad's ex girlfriend, I wish my parents were back together...the whole nine yards. He has severe anxiety to change, and apparently I'm the only one that understands that and knows how to get him to move past it. Anyways...we move into together =3 months of anxiety and crying everyday, then get married=2 mo of anxiety, then pregnant needing him to move rooms =3mo of anxiety, then baby =3mo of anxiety. During this time, my DH didn't know how to deal with it, so he would leave to go places with only his son and constantly catering to his needs rather than focusing on strengthening our bond and stabilizing our new little family. He finally realized the way to get him to move past his anxiety, was to be firm and consistent, and focus on inclusion into our family..not exclusion. This was all by my coaxing time and time again and I was really considered to be the evil woman to SS and DH during that time. Which was really painful with a newborn and postpartum depression. During this time, the focus always goes back to my treatment of the older boys, his son and my son. His son hates hugs and affection, my son loves it. SS has also lied to my DH about me, which to me crushed me. I bent over backwards to help that kid constantly with still work and he said, I never help him, only help my son and I ignore him...Which couldn't be further from the truth. Over the past two years, I have found myself disengaging from my step son and my son to avoid the conflict of difference in treatment. This has made my relationship suffer with my oldest.
Current state: We had a baby girl 3 months ago. DS (now 12) is engulfed in complete preteen attitude. Over the last six months, he has been playing rougher and rougher with our youngest son, leaving bruises on him. He has done poor in school, getting multiple detentions, emails home asking for help on behavior change, and decrease in grades. My DH has done nothing to fix his behavior, will take away his phone but give it back a few days later. I keep voicing my concern on the safety of our youngest with him and he tells me I'm uptight. Finally it has all come to a head and my DH is finally realizing there are problems and witnessed him injuring our youngest son. He's fed up and says he's done with him and it has to change. I agree and again voice my concerns....now I'm once again the evil step mom that treats my SS different. He's right, at this point I do....my son is well liked by all teachers, straight As all year, can play 3 instruments, a good role model to our youngest son, etc. There is no reason to get upset and yell at him because he isn't hurting my youngest son...which is the only reason I yell at SS.
Soooo my question is, how to I disengage without seeming like the evil step mom. I feel his son needs discipline, but any suggestion never go over well and makes it seem like I'm being hard on my SS. Additionally, my grandpa just died and gave all the grandkids money, including SS which I thought was very nice. I want all my kids to spend that money on something with meaning to remember him by. Well SS was upset the baby got money and wants to waste it on clothes, that he cycles thru once a month. My DH is not supporting my request, so at this point I give up and say it's not with the $250 and he can spend it on whatever, but I'm very bitter over this....again how can I remove my feelings about this and just "not care".
I'm totally confused by who
I'm totally confused by who has what kid here. You said DS is 12, did you mean SS is 12? How old is your son? Where did this "youngest son" come in, is he yours together or just DH's? How many kids in total and who belongs to who? When people use "our kid" to describe stepkids, I get lost.
I don't think it's about the $250 for DH - I think it's about you making a decision about what you want them to spend it on, and DH doesn't agree with that. I'm not clear why SS needs to buy something to remember his step-great- grandfather by, when SGGF probably didn't mean very much to him. It was nice of SGGF to leave him money, but once left to him, it's his (or DH's) decision how it's spent.
At any rate, it doesn't sound like you two are on the same page as far as parenting goes, so stop calling all of the kids "our kids" and each of you parent YOUR separate kids how you see fit. Yes, they will get annoyed, but plenty of people seem to make that work on here.
So you tell DH that he can decide for his son how the money is spent, and you will decide for your older kid (s). Your joint kid is a baby (I think) so that shouldn't be an issue.
Well SS was upset the baby
Well SS was upset the baby got money and wants to waste it on clothes, that he cycles thru once a month.
I'm confused, does SS want to spend the baby's money on clothes or his own money? If he wants to spend his own money on clothes, let him, who cares? If his dad doesn't want to teach him about being responsible with money, that's on him. Personally, I would start a little savings account for my kid with it and be done with it.
Some people will always see disengaging as not caring but it's really about that kid not being your responsibility. You have your own kids to be responsible for.
I cared about my SD but it was not my responsibility to raise her and turn her into a productive member of society. Considering the BM she has, and how lazy my SD is (who is now 27), it would have all been wasted energy, so.... I did try, at first, but quickly realized it was not going to be worth it. For one thing, I was not her parent and nothing I did or said really meant anything to her.
Focus on yours.
Thank you please!
God it's tough isn't it? My OH's children have no manners yet I have to go on their every whim so not to rock the boat. I wish they'd fuck off and learn to say please and thank you. My kids will say please and thank you at all appropriate times when his two just look on and wonder what's going on. I'm thinking of just splitting us all up.
You are fighting your DH over
You are fighting your DH over how his son deals with 250 dollars that was gifted to your SS?
Sure.. your DH could make him be more responsible.. but it's his kid.. let him handle it the way he wants to. Kid wants to spend it on clothes.. let him. Who cares? it's not your kid.. not your money. This is NOT a hill to die on.
I'm similarly confused about the other issues with who is hitting who.
Sorry for confusion....
Sorry for long winded post above and confusion. I was writing on my phone and taking care of my youngest kids. I'm also at my wits end and there is alot of information.
Kids we have at our house
Step son: 12
My oldest son: 11
Our children we had together: son 4 and newborn daughter 3 mo
The issues I'm having is keeping a consistent discipline structure and rules in our home, since our family is completely blended of step, half, and full siblings. I get that I have complete control of how "my" kids will be raised and I will make sure they leave my home good contributing people.
Issues at hand:
School behavior and grades: kid is very smart and could easily get straight As if he only gave 10 more mins of time. I don't want his options to too slowly go away because he didn't care to put a little effort in. I care too much about him to let that happen. BUT the other part of me feels, he is somewhat a bully and disrespectful to teachers, so I don't care that he'll fail at things because he isn't being a good person. I'M REMOVING MYSELF FROM THIS....I won't care, offer guidance or suggestions to hubby, and will try my best to remain emotionless. Consequences and parenting will be different and I have let my son know that.
Treatment of others in our house: he has become a bully, he manipulates, and will slyly injure my son and our youngest son. I was vaguely aware of this, so would always say "boys" stop wrestling because all three would be wrestling. Until recently, my oldest started spending more time in his room and it was clear where the damage was coming from. I failed my youngest son by not watching one day. I took off his shirt and honestly cried. He had bruises on his entire torso, back and belly. I confronted my step son in a not so nice or composed manner in front of my husband...who then said, "well you need to talk to your own son about this too, he does it also", which obviously isn't the case and I now have proof. It wasn't until this weekend, my husband then became fully aware of who is doing what. My son and our youngest were playing great in the pool for a half hour. My step son goes out and not 10mins later our youngest comes in crying saying he pushed him under water and shoved him against the wall. He has a huge knot on his forehead to prove it. On multiple other occasions, while my husband was out there not watching...I had to yell at step son for dragging the youngest underwater where he couldn't catch his breath. My dad also confronted step son for repeatedly throwing a ball at our youngest face. So for that my husband is now validating my feelings of it being a safety concern. I WILL NOT BACK DOWN ON PARENTING STEP SON ON THIS. For the concern of safety, to our youngest I will not stop babysitting their interactions. There are far too many occurrences beyond what I have listed for this to be accidents.
The money my grandpa gave him is really just the ice cream on the cake...or the rock that made our pyramid tumble. This caused a giant blow up between me and DH. I requested that all kids spend it on something of value, that they wouldn't normally buy, and something that could last years. He's into football...so I gave him a suggestion of sports memorabilia. I know he doesn't give two s#!ts about my grandpa, but I do...and can he at least respect that without it being a p!$$ing match in what everyone is spending it on. Where they are saying I'm being biased is my oldest son spent some on air soft guns. What I have told them over and over is...the last visit with my grandpa my son had an air soft gun there and my grandpa set up a target for him to shoot at and talked to him about being safe. So while to others on the outside, this may look like a "wasted" item, to my son it holds a memory of a time they had together and expanding on something my grandpa thought was cool. During the argument, I told DH to have his son spend it on whatever. I'M REMOVING MYSELF FROM CARING, AND LETTING IT GO, but I'm butter my husband can't support my request to his son, because I would do it for him.
Overall, the recent blow up, my husband said I'm way too hard on his son and not my own and that I'm biased. I said I give up then I'll pull back...then DH said I'm giving up on his son and I'm not allowed to do that, only he is because he's his father. (This was an early convo I had with DH where he was fed up with SS and wanted to give up). I feel my husband is lost and defeated, I get it...But he is projecting blame onto my for his son's shortcomings. I really just need to learn how to detach, without seeming like I'm emotionally voided from my step son, because I'm at the point of emotionally voided.
Again...it's long and confusing...Sorry...I seriously need therapy at this point!!
I do not understand
Why your SK had anything from YOUR grandpa ? I would take all the money for my kids and do not create the whole situation.
But if you decided to give SK money, it is indeed up to him to decide how to spend them.
I am going to say this kindly
I am going to say this kindly. Please honor the intent of your grandfather's gift. He didn't leave the money for the kids with stipulations. He didn't give the money to the adults to be put in their college fund. He gave the kids the money now.
Imagine the pleasure he felt in knowing he was going to brighten their day with his gift. Imagine the happiness he felt knowing that the kids were going to spend the money on something that gave them pleasure. He also felt that gifting to your Stepson was the right thing to do.. and you need to get to where you can honor the spirit of his generosity.
Let SS spend it on clothes.. that is going to make him happy. It's what will give him pleasure.. No.. it's not some permanent tribute to your grandfather...but that was not a condition of this gift from him.
The alternative would have been to take ALL the kids' money and put it in their college funds. But, it seems the intent was that the kids would get some fleeting happiness from it. Please let that happen and apologize for being so rigid.
The abuse? yep.. the boys need to be watched.. and perhaps segregated if they can't play without roughhousing.
I think bottom line here is
I think bottom line here is that your children have been injured multiple times by your H's older son and your H is not disciplining and being consistent. He continues to sweep it under the rug and your SS doesn't realize the severity of the situation. Your sons can/will suffer greatly both physically and emotionally if they continue in this environment. I'd want to remove them from this since your H is NOT stepping up. He's busy telling you what you are and aren't doing but you have no control over his kid. Something has to give and it shouldn't be at the expense of your sons well being.
Also I wouldn't be worried about "hurting feelings". Is anyone particularly your H and SS giving a !@#$ about yours and that of your kids? You've disengaged and that's it. His kids have two parents and you are not obligated to do a d@mn thing for them.
Suggested discipline? Nope,
Suggested discipline? Nope, if daddy won't discipline then you do it and he can bite his tongue and have your back. If he does not like how you parent and discipline the SKid he can step up and get it done before you have to.
As equity life partners you are also equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology. For sure if SS is hurting your young son, that is nothing a belt to his bare ass won't correct. See how he likes being the recipient of pain rather than the one delivering it.
Think you have to pick your battles.
First I would not let my kids get beat up by SS. Keep the kids apart as much as possible. If SS starts stuff in the pool SS is out of the pool until he behaves. Do not leave kids with SS by them selves. Second as picking battles, let SS spend his money as he wants that DH thing. If he wast it who cares.
Disengage with SS. SS does not care if he looks and does bad. Why care it it looks like you are picking on him. It’s May not be nice but SS is not nicev