So strange
Forums:
Me again! To continue the saga....SD16 declared her father to be an awful person/parent a few weeks ago, and has gone silent.....except for a text last week asking what dates our small family trip is, and to say she is taking her friend. She has not responded to anything before or since that, when he calls it goes straight to vm, not sure if that means she has him on some sort of block. So...she thinks her dad is horrible and will not communicate with him, but she is going to go on this trip with us? I literally do not understand at all, makes no sense whatsoever to me....can't say I am looking forward to seeing her at the moment but I will paste on a smile and act like I am if she does go.
Oh, my OSD didn't talk with
Oh, my OSD didn't talk with DH for about a year. Nothing, nada, no birthday or father's day or Xmas contact. Then he wants to take SDs to Europe for a week. If you read my blogs, it's all documented.
Basically she spoke with him just enough to go on the trip. Was not fun to have her there and changed how everyone interacted. We get back and it's back to no contact.
She's using your DH's goodwill for the trip, no other reason. I said no, and you might too, but be prepared for your DH to take her anyway. Just have a firm understanding with your DH about what you will and won't do. This saved my sanity.
Hi Cover, I have been
Hi Cover, I have been following your blogs bc your situation sounds similar to mine. My SD did use the goodwill trip already, we had plans to take her on a birthday weekend trip before everything blew up this time and she "moved out". Even though she mostly cut him off and said a lot of ugly things, DH decided to carry on with the trip. It went fine, and we thought maybe it would crack the door open again for him to at least have some sort of relationship. They were communicating more until an couple weeks ago, when she lost it because he said her boyfriend couldn't come on this trip. It is a pattern with her, if things are going her way she is ok, but when something doesn't she says ugly, hurtful things to DH and freezes him out. Then she and BM both try to play like he is the one not reaching out and trying to spend time with his daughter. It is so hurtful and a dark cloud that is hanging over us all the time. I am not going to try to say she can't come, I would not do that. I am hoping she acts like she did on our last trip, like nothing ever happened....even though I find that bizarre. If I were truly hurt and devastated and felt like someone was so horrible, like she claims, I would not be trying to take a vacation with them. I get why your SD would want to go to Europe, but in this case it's literally 2 nights in a cabin in the woods, nothing glamorous. Thanks for reaching out...I hope both of our situations get better some day. It shouldn't have to be this hard
Oh I get it. Good luck,
Oh I get it. Good luck, remain calm!
Similar situation here
We have had little contact with SD16 (almost 17) for 3 months now. DH met up with her at the weekend with BM. I anticipated him getting ripped to shreds, but it turned out to be SD complaining about about everything that we’ve done that’s upset her in her life. That included booking holidays over her birthday which is often unavoidable due to having to go away during scheduled school holidays and work commitments. Last year we decided to do 2 small holidays. First one was camping which she turned her nose up at. Second one we were about to book a week in Spain (we are in the UK). It meant flying back on her bday though so details were sent to SD, who didn’t reply even thought DH chased for a few weeks. She got upset because it was over her bday again and said she’s never going away over her bday again. I also think now she’s getting older she doesn’t want to be away from her friends / boyfriend. None of us went in the end. So this year because we’re having these problems we put off booking a holiday. Friends were going to Thailand and asked if we wanted to go too. Really good deal, but again over SD’s birthday. We went ahead and booked. The way things are, there’s no way SD is coming away with us for 2 weeks. The plan was if things are resolved with us, then DH, SD and the eldest of our children could do a long weekend somewhere too. DH told her. She can’t pick and choose based on where we go, that it’s more about spending time with us and if she can’t do that at home, how is it going to work on holiday. She’s still not happy, but what can we do. We do pay for her holidays with her mum too!
I honestly don't think there
I honestly don't think there is a way to make these kids happy, once they have had a taste of having things go their way. Unless of course you do what they want on their timeline. I was an only child of divorced parents. I was well taken care of, maybe even spoiled, but I never expected that I was in charge of anything. I am sure I didn't always show it, but I did respect my parents and I went along with what they told me...bc they are my parents and I was the child. If we were going on a trip, I was just happy to be going somewhere, I didn't throw a fit bc it wasnt exactly what I wanted or the days that I wanted. I think I would have thought it was special to be traveling on my birthday. I feel like somehow these parent child roles have been flipped, at least in my situation and a lot of what I read here. I am really not understanding it at all
Both SDs complained about our
Both SDs complained about our travel time because they would miss 2 days of school. Really DH and I saw through that, was about school but about them wanting to change travel days gor themselves...DH explained several times about flight availability and costs...
I would have loved to miss
I would have loved to miss school to travel.....do you get the feeling if it was BM's idea they would have been all for it?
For 100% sure. They have
For 100% sure. They have missed school for her trips, no prob!
My parents
My parents were married till my mum passed away, and 12 years on my dad won’t take his wedding ring off. So I sometimes feel I don’t know what I’m doing as I don’t have any experience. My DHs parents stayed together for the kids until the youngest was in his mid teens, and he now feels huge guilt that DS is now also a child of divorce. He did divorce when she was very young though as he didn’t want her to have the experience he had growing up in a home with parents who hated each other.
Whilst we don’t spoil SD with material things, DH has put her on a pedestal above our other 3 kids. If 2 of the kids had events on the same day, SDs would always get priority. She doesn’t appreciate it though. I’ve put my foot down with that now as she just expects it. The next thing that is already worrying me is that before all this happened, she was dropping hints about getting a car for her 17th birthday!
I do get feeling bad that
I do get feeling bad that your child is growing up without their parents in the same home. I was a single mom until I met my DH, I was young when I had my son and his father was an alcoholic and not wanting to be in the picture, and I did not force it. He ended up passing away from liver failure when my son was 3 or 4. I will always feel responsible for my son growing up without a dad, it was my choices that made that happen. But I never felt like guilt was driving me in my choices for raising my son. My situation was different from a divorce of course, bc I did not have another household or opposing forces. Maybe that is where the guilt for divorced parents comes from, maybe it is driven by the fear of losing your child to the other parent. And then when it turns out it didn't matter that you put the child on a pedestal, it didnt win their favor, all it did was teach them that they belonged there. I am having some deep thoughts tonight, even though I grew up as a child of divorce I have never thought about it so deeply as I have lately. It sure is a complicated situation.
As a side note, talking about your SD hinting about a car....DH was hinting to me about a car for SD, he would point out cute little newer cars and say how perfect it would be for SD. I finally put my foot down. We had an older SUV that both our boys drive for their first year or so, the intention was always to pass it along to SD for her first year or 2, then if all was well we would get her something more to her taste. He did settle down, but apparently SD switched her campaign to her mom, bc BM let us know a couple months before SDs birthday that the SUV was not reliable enough for SD, so BM was going to just give her BMs car (which is newer than my car now). The SUV was a perfect vehicle for a new driver, I heard SD complain many times that it wasn't her style, so that is what makes me think she convinced her mom. BM did not help at all with SSs driving and was perfectly content recently to let him drive this SUV for a while. The kicker is we had already bought a different vehicle for my son, in anticipation for him to pass this SUV to SD. Had we known this was happening, we would not have bought another car right now. Just one of many instances where SD has been favored, fortunately DH seems to have stopped participating in that as enthusiastically as he used to
Holidays over birthdays oh please!!
2 weeks ago i had to fly overseas to my dad as he was rushed to hospital for an emergency operation. My son was turning 2 while we would be in my country of birth and hubby would be overseas in asia where he works and we live... this was just before major religious holidays where family get together and take pics.
i actually was flying back to hubby the evening these religious celebrations were taking place so this was the first year of no pics.
Family holidays are for family, not bringing your friends over or boyfriend etc
Our SD also brought up not
Our SD also brought up not only the POOL but the vacation to the Cape 4th of July week. WHAT? She thinks she is coming with us? If she happens to be in our home those days (I doubt it) then we are doing a staycation, we have enough projects and things to do on the lake we live on, we don't need to go away. I told DH if she is with us, we are not going away and he understands this. he hasn't said anything top SD about this yet but if she gets wind that she would just be stuck at our home she wont want to be there anyways
At her age SD is not going to change
This is the way she is. It’s time to set the standard of what you want. Is it ok to only see SD when you take her on a trip? Do you really want that type of relationship? She wants to take her BF so she does not have to deal with you ? Are. You ok not to see SD anymore ?
At this point I am ok not to
At this point I am ok not to see SD, it's not what I ever wanted for our relationship, but she is proving herself not to be a not very nice person and not someone that I trust - at least in terms of feeling like she is looking for reasons to be angry and call us out. I don't find that compatible or healthy for my life. However, it is not about me, I want my DH to have a relationship with his daughter and I will never try to come between that. He is apparently willing to accept her showing up for trips or whatever may suit her. It's just a really messed up situation and I don't know what the answer is. But I think you are right, the stage has been set for this to keep happening, I don't see her changing because she has no reason to. I need to focus on myself and working on these upset feelings I am having, because I can't change anything else.
Not quite at that point...
We're not quite at that point, but we're getting close. My SS is 13 and has decided it doesn't want to come to our house anymore. He still enjoys doing some things with DH, but he's "bored" at our house and wants to see his friends. We allow him to have friends at our home sometimes, but not all the time, especially since the friends seem to expect to stay the entire weekend. He regularly throws temper tantrums - the most recent was this weekend, when DH took them to Dairy Queen to get ice cream cones and this kid wanted a Blizzard, so he screamed and cried and said he wanted to go home until DH agreed to get him a blizzard. Lovely for a 13 year old to act like a 2 year old.
BM - who is enmeshed with this child, but pretty much ignores the other one - has told everyone that it is "traumatic" for SS to come to our home and is demanding to mediate reducing that SSs time with DH. Not the other one, mind you, only the one she is enmeshed with.
I'm just waiting for the day when that SS refuses to come to our house, but wants to come around any time we are doing something "fun".
Also, I know that when he decides he's no longer coming around, he and BM will also paint DH as the bad guy, saying he doesn't care enough about his child to come around. I'm sure at some point, SS will blame DH for all the problems in his life - of which there will be many, because he doesn't have any sense of personal responsiblity and because he is enmeshed with his mother.
Oh gosh, it does seem like
Oh gosh, it does seem like you are sliding that direction. 12-13 is around where the negativity began with SD. I do understand that as kids get older, they may want one home base. But I dont understand why one parent has to be put down to gain that. SD always complained we did not let her have friends over enough. She is either staying st someone's or having someone over at BMs pretry much every available night. We don't roll that way here, so she would rather be in the place where she can done that she wants. I get it. But for any BM to play the card of time spent with dad as traumatic, just bc skid doesn't get what they want all the time, seems wrong on so many levels. It undermines the dad/child relationship, and it teaches the kid when something is not satisfactory at all times, just put it down and walk away, maybe kick it before you go. I am sure your DH, like mine, is a father trying to do the best he can, and definitely doesnt deserve to be portrayed as the bad guy. I hope things turn around for you guys : (