Counseling for dh

DH wants to go to counseling. He feels me distancing myself more & more and wants to better himself to improve our marraige. Since he is not one to follow through I said whatever. He says Im not being supportive. Lol whatever.

My question is what kind of counselor should I encourage him to see. Is there counselors who specialize in blended/step families. I dont feel like all counselors would understand thw dynamics of step hell.

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There are several sites that

There are several sites that list local counselors & therapists credentials and field of expertise. I’d start with something like that. Sometimes it takes seeing 2 or 3 until you find one you feel you mesh with.

We found our marriage therapist through goodtherapy[dot]org.

Thanks

I would look for one that

I would look for one that also offers meditation services! They are fully used to blended family situations and have seen it all. The one we go to is very unbiased and really gets it.

Did you mean mediation? You

Did you mean mediation? You said meditation, lol.

Well that's healthier than

Well that's healthier than wine! I'd be willing to try it once lol.

Im not going to counseling.

Im not going to counseling. Just thought I'd help DH find someone

I'm super confused by your

I'm super confused by your reaction. You aren't being supportive to his face, and you don't think he'll follow through, but you're helping him find a counselor so he can...get better? You can tell him "I told you so"? What?

You have to make a decision whether you want to be supportive or not. Half-arsing it isn't going to encourage him to do it, and it's only going to make you resentful if he doesn't do it or chooses someone you don't agree with.

If you're going to be supportive, then be supportive. Offer to help him find a counselor, tell him you're happy/proud of him, offer to help him with any homework he gets, etc. Make this seem like the best idea he has ever had because, even if you're pissy with him, he's doing it for you.

Yes, there are counselors who specialize in step dynamics. Yes, those would be good ones to look into. Just make sure you find one who doesn't prescribe to the "first family first" model. Your insurance provider should have a list of available counselors. Call and interview them, or schedule an introductory appointment, before you go full-on and commit to one.

If you aren't going to be supportive, or you don't care/think it will help, then just go with "that's nice, dear, good luck". Snarky responses are just going to fuel in him a desire to not change anything.

If him changing isn't going to do any good to save your marriage, then just tell him. Don't make him (and/or you) spend a bunch of money and effort on something that won't effect the outcome.

I get that you're annoyed. I get that you want to throttle him. But either be on board or jump ship. Sitting in the lifeboat is only going to make you more resentful.

Not sure why youre confused.

Not sure why youre confused. No amount of counseling fixed his last marraige or his messed up children

Im not interested in counseling at all he is going to counseling by his choice because thats what he does. My life is a mess, my marraige is a mess, my feral children are a mess...go to counseling but dont make any effort to change.

Im not interested in wasting my time or emotional energy. Im not super supportive because I've seen his follow through. Not interested in getting involved other than letting him know there are counselors out there who deal with blended families.

Lieutenant you never have anything nice to say to me, i dont know your beef with me but it was a simple question. Going forward if you have nothing nice to say pls don't speak to me

Not sure how I am being mean?

Not sure how I am being mean? Direct, yes. No BS, yes. You're at a crossroads in your marriage and I tend to offer a sh*t-or-get-off-the-pot approach to advice giving. If you're (general) miserable, make change. If you're not miserable enough to make change, then why complain?

But happy to not comment further if you don't like it.

I didnt say mean. You just

I didnt say mean. You just tend to be negative toward me and side with DH like Im an awful step mom who has a DH who make 6 figures...yes he makes 6 figures. Spends every dime on a house and cars and insurance and everyrhing else a skid could ask for. Six figures in the chicago suburbs is middle class. Housing and cost of living is high here.

No, I think you're both in a

No, I think you're both in a toxic cycle aren't being good spouses to each other.

He treats you and yours like you come second. You, in return out of resentment, anger, or frustration, shut down and shut him out. You don't/won't leave despite being miserable, and will throw jabs at him (like leaving him at Christmas and not telling him, or at least that was your plan) in retaliation. Also not okay.

So, he decides he sees a cycle of you pulling away and decides to make a change. You scoff at it to him, but then come here and show your support privately. He can't win even when he tries to take a step in the right direction.

Usually when people are that apathetic to their spouse, they're packing their things and leaving. I won't ever condone in advice for someone to stay and hurt their spouse just because they don't want to move on, or feel like the other person should move on first.

It's quite possible for both of you to be wrong, and since you're the one posting, I'll plays devil's advocate for your spouse when it seems appropriate. This is one of those times it seems appropriate. It doesn't make sense that you think/know he will fail yet you want to help him find a counselor. For what purpose?

Basically, you have put him in a no-win situation where if he doesn't change you'll pull away but you'll scoff at any effort he makes or wants to make because you don't have confidence he'll do it. If that is truly where you are, where he can't do anything to make your marriage better, then cut your losses. Don't make him think there's hope when there isn't. You're better than that.

Thanks for your perspective

I agree that you need to

I agree that you need to either be supportive or move on. If he is actually trying and you think there is a chance to salvage your marriage, you should try.

Counselor's, like any other "service" provider should be interviewed to see if they are a good fit. As you call around, ask for who specializes in high conflict blended family situations. Keep in mind you may sit with several before you find a good fit for the both of you!!!

Psychology Today search tool

The Psychology Today search tool is free online and you can filter to find local, confirmed counselors, read their bio's, education, practice methodology, gender, etc. FYI!

Thanks but big surprise the

Thanks but big surprise the subject was not brought up and probably wont be brought up again

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