First wife is always in the right

So at a parent group/baby class I was at today at one point the lady leading the parent group discussion brought up how COD need to be told that their parents loved eachother when they were conceived/born even if they didnt really. After that she went on to talk about her own grandson and how his parents are friends still but her sons new wife "doesnt really like them being friendly." Obviously indicating that the new wife is of course just jealous and in the wrong. Of course it's the new wife's fault and the ex could never be in the wrong or crossing boundaries right? So annoying.

Jcksjj's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Oh FFS. My eyes would have

Oh FFS. My eyes would have rolled so far back into my head.

That’s pretty damn out of line to say as she’s leading a class. Will you be returning?

Today was the last class so

Today was the last class so no. The other instructors I've had were all much better so wont be signing up for hers again.

Sounds like the group leader

Sounds like the group leader had an agenda based on her own experiences. I don't think it's ever right to tell children lies about people's feelings, because they invariably have radar and will know they have been lied to.

If you can be friends with your ex, all well and good, I was, if not friends, then cordial and friendly enough with my ExH. However, my DH can't be friends with his exW because she is a high conflict utter, narcissist personality disordered bitch, basically.

Yeah that's what I was

Yeah that's what I was thinking. I'm not going to lie to ODS. And I dont really know why kids would need to know that you loved the other parent - dont they just need to know that both parents love them despite how they feel about the other?

I'm of the opinion that

I'm of the opinion that cordial is good, but I dont see a reason to be friends. A friend is usually someone that you trust and confide in, or have fun and hang out with etc and I dont think ex spouse really makes sense with either of those.

I kind of think it’s weird to

I kind of think it’s weird to be friends with the BM. Never before was I friends with my boyfriends’ ex girlfriends, and yes the situation is different because a kid is involved but it takes a lot to push away the memories and stuff. I know that it bothers ss that BM rolls her eyes whenever my name is mentioned. I hardly know the woman except from her crazy emails and stupid life decisions. Why be such a bitch towards me? Um, because she is a bitch. Therefore, in this situation, don’t be a jerk. Be the kind one because the kids truly appreciate it more

WOW does every instructor

WOW does every instructor instruct this way...OR just this one.

I would ask the 'heads" about that one.

Yikes...

Is this a divorce class that is required before a Judge signs off?

Yes Usually

there is AMPLE opportunity to give feedback especially on a class. Heaven knows everyone nowadays asks for reviews. I would give her a review everywhere if you get my drift.

Good idea on giving a review

Good idea on giving a review outlining the specifics of the inappropriate biase this "instructor" has. Reminds me a bit of a "therapist" on Steptalk that "instructs" SMs to not expect to be treated like their husbands' spouses.

Whos's that????? lol

My lips are sealed. But hers

My lips are sealed. But hers aren't! Har har!

Hahaha! Yep, it's pretty much

Hahaha! Yep, it's pretty much the same thing.

Is she an expert?

Is she an expert on COD or just sharing her own anxieties with the class? My view is that children can learn to be okay with the fact that their parents don't like one another, as long as others allow them to be okay with that. In other words, they aren't pittied or coddled or enabled because their parents are divorced.

My MIL thinks its so terrible that DH and BM divorced, but she doesn't realize that it would have been a worse situation for SSs if their parents stayed married, because BM was abusive to DH and they need to see that they don't have to allow a woman to treat them that way. Also, nearly all of SSs friends have divorced or never married parents, several have fathers they don't see, fathers in jail, etc, so not living with a father should be normal to them by experience.

I think it's better for kids to understand that sometimes people get married for the wrong reasons and sometimes people have relationships that are not great and it's okay to end those and focus on your own happiness, even if you are a parent.

By her logic, should adopted children or children whose parents were never in real relationships feel bad about themselves forever? A person's self worth should not be tied to the happiness or emotional functionality of their parents.

I have friends whose parents divorced and whose parents were unhappily married and they've all managed to figure out how to succeed in life without feeling less than because their parents didn't get along.

This is dead on. I really

Just her opinion, she has a teaching background of some sort but now retired. She actually said after awhile she had no clue what she was talking about because she hasn't been in that situation. It actually had nothing to do with the class (it's a baby signing class and her expertise is signing). And then other parenting topics get brought up for discussion also.

This is dead on. I really think that the kids who get pitied or coddled too much or get told having divorced parents is the excuse for their behaviors develop a victim mentality. They're basically told they wont do as well in life as kids in intact families sometimes and that's not how it has to be.

And yes, parents staying together that hate eachother is much worse. MIL totally plays the victim card for SD on that but if DH had stayed with BM she would never have seen what a healthy relationship looks like and would have been subjected to constant fighting and tension. Also IMHO she has benefited from having a SM that is very different from BM instead of only have BM as an example.

Re the first issue.. I can

Re the first issue.. I can understand being a bit sensitive and age appropriate with things when the child may not have been concieved as a choice by their parents. It might be difficult for a kid to decipher the difference between you weren't "wanted" then.. but are wanted/loved now.

for her 2nd round of advice, I might have gone ahead and drawn her right on out into the open?

raises hand:... "So, I was wondering, if your son and his EX can get along so well, why didn't they stay together so that their child wouldn't come from a broken home? It seems like if they can get along.. there shouldn't even BE a 2nd wife???"

This! If they're "best

This! If they're "best friends" they shoulda stayed married.

Oh. I'm sure that she

Oh. I'm sure that she believes mommy and daddy need to have nightly family dinners with their little pumpkins too! Or family outings WITHOUT the new spouses! it's only right so the kids feel Loooooovvvvveeeedddd!!!

Nope! Boundaries are important, especially when they've been overstepped FAR too often! Whether is an ex trying to get too friendly, inappropriate discussions. An ex that has voiced their dislike of the other's new relationship and thereby being the type of person that should be totally cut out but can't, etc. Each relationship decides what those are, and it's none of the ex's buisiness to judge whether the "new wife" (aka, THE wife) is "jealous" or "petty." Not her relationship. None of her business.

Exes have to be cordial for the kids, but I think the rest of that is really bulls***.

Yeah all I see in those

Yeah all I see in those situations is kids having a second poor example of how a relationship works. They need to learn how to have a healthy relationship with a partner not how to bend over backwards to be "friends" with an ex. Cordial relationship with an ex (when possible) is showing how you can act respectful toward someone even if you arent friends. And if BM is too high conflict for that? Then you're teaching them appropriate boundaries and that acting crazy like BM wont get you your way.

My thought too! I'd rather my

My thought too! I'd rather my kids were watching a healthy relationship then whatever mess is being created by the lack of boundaries.

Here's a stupid

Here's a stupid question. We are supposed to tell our kids that they have to be careful about sex and take serious precautions because a pregnancy can happen when it is not wanted, right? But it makes sense to tell them that THEIR parents were absolutely in love with each other and were just thrilled to pieces when the stick had 2 lines on it no matter what the true circumstances? How exactly does that make sense? I get that it is not appropriate to tell a child that they were a "mistake" but that is very different than "a wonderful surprise to me and I love YOU." And it makes the warnings about unplanned pregnancy make a lot more sense!