Question

Forums:

So my vile SS will be leaving on the 9th, my husband announced to me that on the 3rd that he was lifting the “grounding” that said SS was under so that he can “ enjoy” the last few days with his son. Now I don’t feel like this POS deserves anything but a tent in the back yard, and since I pay for the television, and my husband wants to use this as a vector for letting the good times roll, I’m very tempted to change the passwords. I feel it yet another blatant way for DH to play Disney dad to his POS kid and hence isn’t really making him respect me. This is the same pattern that has been problematic throughout our marriage and is why I have emotionally checked out of this marriage. DH feels that he wants to show SS “ what he will be missing” but my thoughts are that SS already knows what he’s had and is seeing if he is gonna win this battle. After all, Disney dad taught him how to manipulate like the rest of the men in this family. So, I don’t feel that I should afford either the luxury that I pay for. Opinions?

If he wanted to enjoy time

If he wanted to enjoy time with him before he left (which even with a grounding is somewhat reasonable) he would go do something with him, not sit in front of the TV. That isnt' quality time anyway. I think a dinner together or activity would be the solution. I wouldn't want SS ungrounded but, if he doesn't see him often, I could understand still wanting SOME quality time. I would express it to SS that way. "Look brat, I know that you are grounded but because we don't see each other much I decided we will go to Dave and Busters for an evening so we can enjoy our last day together. Understand this is not you being ungrounded, this is because I WANT to do this and that is how being grouneded works. I decide".

SS is 17 and has lived with

SS is 17 and has lived with th him since birth. Disney Dad is low on cash because I’m not giving him any money or paying his bills. SS was planning on moving at 18, but accelerated it due to him calling me a f$7,ing c$$t. So I made the option of I can leave and he can go on with his monster kid, or his monster kid has to go. I just feel that SS has Burned his bridge with me, and I owe him zilch. Not even one episode of family guy.

I'm Team Change the Passwords

I'm Team Change the Passwords.

I dunno. Seems like this

I dunno. Seems like this marriage is over for you (or should be) .Blocking your DH from doing what he wants as a parent would be showing contempt for DH as well as SS, no matter how much you disagree with what he's doing.

It's one more week with SS, just let it go. But make your own plans for leaving, because that kind of contempt for a partner is just the beginning of the end

I think a lot of contempt

I think a lot of contempt here and there goes on in any marriage. The key is to let it go at some point (sooner than later) and not let it accumulate.

I disagree. Anger,

I disagree. Anger, frustration, fine - but not contempt. I've never felt contemptuous of DH in 9 years, but I can see that he and BM both felt a lot for each other.

It's considered to be a pretty clear sign of a marriage that will fail.

Contempt

I completely agree. Contempt happens I think in lots of marriages. U just can’t hold on to too much of it and let it keep escalating

I agree. Watching TV

is not enjoying the last few days, Turn off the TV. They can go out and do something like volunteering in a soup kitchen together. Or food bank. That free quality time. It’s does not have to me a mult hundred $ night to be fun

So all of you would be just

So all of you would be just fine with your spouse doing that to you if he/she disagreed with your parenting decisions?

I doubt it.

We tell posters all the time

We tell posters all the time here to disengage & pull back resources. We also aren’t sure why this kid was grounded. If he was disrespectful of OP, then I say change the password, but give DH a heads up about it. There’s no need to go behind his back or be underhanded, but I also don’t see why she needs to keep something available to skid when it’s something she pays for.

Would I do this to DH? Totally depends on him. If he continues to expect his kids to treat me with respect then no, I can’t see me ever doing this. But if something were to change & the Disney tendencies I’ve seen lately we’re to ramp up, then yes I’d withhold resources, but I’d be upfront about it. I likely wouldn’t be staying married to him though if that was the case.

That's completely different

That's completely different than changing the passwords simply because she doesn't like her husband's parenting decisions. She's already ensured that the kid is leaving her home, isn't that enough? In less than 2 weeks, he won't be watching her TV anyway.

This just seems like one more EFF YOU to her husband.

I wouldn't stay married under these circumstances.

That’s why I said it would

That’s why I said it would depend on my husband. If he constantly made parenting decisions that made my life harder, despite my constantly telling him how it made me feel, then I'd likely be at the ‘eff you’ point anyways. At which point I’d be putting myself first 100%. But like you, I also wouldn’t be staying in that marriage.

This is also why I don’t buy into the whole ‘let them parent their children how they see fit’ mentality i see on here. I let my DH parent his kids how he sees fit, but I also let him know that his parenting decisions affect me directly. You cannot raise crappy, disrespectful, feral children & expect your spouse to still be the happy, smiling, considerate partner they were when you first met them. Dysfunction like that will bleed into the marriage whether they intend it to or not, and the SP ends up on this site fantasizing about the petty stuff they can do to get back at the crappy parent for allowing it to happen.

If I ever get to that point I’ll be planning my exit, and I hope OP does too, tbh.

History

he was kicked out of public school for the 3rd or 4th time in 4 years, he’s been caught with vaping stuff 3 times and what ever he was smoking. I’ve tried counseling, mental health facility, he’s toxic to my kids, been physically assaultive to my kids, he’s been verbally abusive to me and my kids, lies repeatedly, went through our bedroom to get his cell phone he was grounded from, we’ve had to put locks on our door. He doesn’t think he has to take orders, threatens others. Can’t stay out of trouble or behave. His mother died, on my birthday, 2 years ago. He thinks that it’s my fault that his father didn’t remarry her when she split from her abusive second husband because he married me instead and in turn his dad didn’t save his mother from drinking and drugging herself to an early grave. So I’m the effing this and that, because I expect order and integrity in my home. Because he’s having to follow direction, do chores in the household, be respectful and not get treated like the special kid anymore, then I get thrown under the bus by my husband because instead of growing a pair and BEING a father, the mean old stepmonster is. This child is a direct result of his parents piss poor parenting and possibly his mothers alcohol abuse during pregnancy. I’m just not a doormat.

But yet, you've stayed for

But yet, you've stayed for all of this crap, not just from your SS but from your DH. At what point do you own that choice instead of just wallowing in resentment about your SS's behavior?

Screw the kid

Just make sure that on the 9 th either SS is gone, or DH and SS is gone. That SS will not be in your home after the 9 th. Call and make a appointment with a locksmith on the 10 to have all the locks change to new keys

Screw the kid

You are the wife and equity

You are the wife and equity partner in this marriage and the mother in this home. No grounding gets lifted if you don’t agree. If daddy wants to put his balls in the hands of his toxic prior relationship spawn he can “enjoy” the last few days with the kid somewhere other than in front of the TV.

IMHO of course.

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