yep!! DH is mostly to blame. Moved his 19 yo daughter in our home didn’t set boundaries and letting me pick up the slack as this girl as so much anxiety and won’t go see a therapist. 

These kids are not all off the hook but if you bring your children into the picture then step up and be the damn parent and take responsibility.

It just sucks

He admitted the guilty daddy parenting because anytime he tried to enforce things with ss20, ss20 played the imaginary stress syndrome to shut hubby up and hubby would give up in frustration. It was excuse after excuse when he was told off.

he was allowed to rule the roost, manipulate and fuilt people, enjoyed tormenting and emotionally abuse us all. 

Then sd23 & 14 mini wife syndrome and lack of boundaries and respect that what i say regarding my 2 toddlers goes!! There is no them saying ok i’ll do it or just do inappropriate things to my kids they have no right to do.

hubby has been abused and tormented/tortured by the exwife for 25 years, its hard to get him to stand up for himself because he’s so used to being treated like shit

its only over time he sees how our kids are with him compared to the 3 with ex that have been pas’d out courtesy of bio mum... hubby resents skids but knows he is partially to blame for it...

In the beginning I blamed DH for not setting boundries with DBDB and for letting her keep his balls in her purse.

Over time, he saw for himself that it was damaging to him, his kids and our relationship.  I would softly point out that there were times I was expected to do drop off or pick up when he was working at her house and not the designated pick up place.  

I didn't yell, cry or threaten to leave him or stop helping him with things with the kids.  What I did point out was that he was working TOO hard to full fill everyones needs and wants and that I could not do that if it included DBDB.  He also never puts himself first.  

He still does not put himself first but our relationship and his children are still his first priorities.  

Yes it is DH fault. My DH has chose, even when he agrees he needs to, enforce an OUNCE of disipline in his child. The counseor told him yesterday he actually mentally delayed his child but letting him play video games all the time growing up. He also continued to chose not enforce any when the child physically assaulted me, screamed in my face, called me names, lied to BM about me. He chose not to change anything when I said it was the only way our marriage could work because I couldn't live with a child assaulting me. All it would ever have taken was him saying no but he refused. So yes, all his fault. The child is an asshole but it is DH who allows it. I feel awful that I have to end my marriage, I don't want it to be this way but I tried and tried and the one thing that needed to change was in his hands. He just wanted me to deal with it and never be bothered by it. People can't just ignore abuse and shouldn't be expected to.

Um...I'd say about 25% DH, 50% BMs fault and 25% the unfortunate genetic hand SD was dealt. I do honestly think DH tries but hes clueless about both child development and even moreso dealing with a girl.

Oh, also I'd place a small part of the blame on MIL also for the amount of meddling and coddling she does. But her parents should be putting a stop to that.

My biggest problem is I simply don't enjoy being a stepmom. DH does everything right and doesn't guilt-parent, sets boundaries, listens to my needs. The problem is me. 

I'm going to own the fact that I was ill prepared for the dynamics of DH's relationship with his adult sons, ex wife, and other family members.  In hindsight there were plenty of red flags all of which he explained away or I chose to ignore.  I naively rushed headfirst into his trainwreck.  Silly me thought it would all be fine because we were all adults right? It had been 10 years since the divorce and the dust was settled and everyone had moved on right?  This wonderful man I was about to marry wouldn't sugar coat his debt and obligations right?  

I did not do my due diligence. I bought the horse and it's broken cart thinking things would magically work out.  Luckily we have made it through some rough times but many issues would have been easier addressed before the marriage rather than after.  It has taken years to establish basic boundaries with his adult children and his sister.  There are still things we don't directly address.  

If I could get a do over I would have asked for a credit check, his bank statements, talked with his friends & family more, and believed people when they showed me who they were.  I am responsible for who I willingly bring into my life.  I could have set my standards and expectations higher and had him meet me there rather than climbing down into his muck and trying to clean up his mess.  There has been a lot of progress in our relationship but also much unnecessary drama and pain.  

You just described the last 14 years of my life.

DH and BM are both to blame for how SD is being raised, but DH is to blame for the effect it has on our household.

Either SO can set and enforce boundaries.  If one won't, the other has to step up and do it.  

If the BioParent is the one who won't and does not like how the SP does it then the BP can STFU and have the SP's back.

At some point if the BP won't gain clarity, the BP and the Spawn are gone.