SD and Mother-in-Law on Honeymoon
I've been living with my fiancee and SD for two years, and my fiancee and I are getting married later this year. This is my first (and hopefully only) marriage, while this is my fiancee's second.
My fiancee wants to take both her mother and her daughter with us on our honeymoon, Her reason for this is that she feels her daughter (my SD) would be too anxious and distraught to be without her mother for 7-10 days, and as such this anxiety in my SD would cause my fiancee to not have a good time while she is with me on our honeymoon.
My fiancee's plan for the honeymoon is that her mother would watch my SD every day while she and I do our own thing.
While this plan is made with the best intentions, I still feel that kids, whether step or biological, have no place on a honeymoon. But I don't know how to communicate this to my fiancee without her feeling like I am insensitive to her fears.
I think 7-10 days is not too much to ask, and her DD (my SD) would be with her grandmother the whole time here at home, where she would still be able to see her Bio Dad.
But more than that, I only plan on ever having this one honeymoon, and I would prefer it if it were an experience that was shared by only myself and my new wife so that we might take that time to bask in our total intimacy as a new husband and wife.
Am I being selfish, or is she right to insist on this? Please help.
Oh boy.
Oh boy.
You do realize this is the start of you being frustrated with how your fiancee (soon to be wife) coddles her daughter, right? This won't be a one time issue. This is one of those red flags that people ignore because they are "in love", and then years later, when the shine has worn off, they are miserable and angry about how their spouse enables and coddles their children.
Of course she should not bring her mother and daughter on a honeymoon, that's absurd.
oh hell no. This will be a
oh hell no. This will be a disaster and SD will probably never leave your side and MIL will be a pain in the butt. This will turn into SD's vacation. Either cut the trip to 5 days or cancel. It will not be worth it.
Your wife is being selfish,
Your wife is being selfish, not you. Honeymoons are for married couples.
How old is your sd? Where is the Biodad? Why can't she stay with her other parent? I'm sure her daughter spends plenty of time away from her dad and survives. The kid will be just fine without her mother for a week. I went to summer camps that were longer as a child.
I would be wary to marry someone who is unwilling to listen to my needs and puts irrational fear/enmeshment with a child above the marriage.
Tell your fiancee how you feel. Her reaction will tell you if the wedding should even take place.
Your SD is 7. That is plenty
Your SD is 7. That is plenty old enough to stay with her father and/or grandmother. Your gf needs to give her daughter a bit of freedom, cut the strings a bit, and this is an absolutely ideal opportunity! Let the poor kid live a bit without being smothered. She'll probably love it!
Apart from that, and this comes from my heart, if your future dw thinks it's OK to take her mother and her child on her HONEYMOON and is calling you selfish for balking, I think I'd cancel the wedding. This is just such a huge red flag about how your future is going to be. Are yoiu willing to be nothing more than a cash supplier? A taxi-driver? Someone who is there when it's convenient but takes second place to the precious little darling all the rest of the time?
Call it off. It's not too late.
This is crazy.
Only two possibilites -- one, kid will spend most of time with MIL. If i were dad, I would be pissed that kid and MIL did not stay home. Will Dad's parenting time be cut into?
Two -- kid will spend most of time with mom. Not a honeymoon.
I think the best compromise is for honeymoon to be on Dads time. MIL can stay behind to help him as needed.
Hi Writerstepdad,
Hi Writerstepdad,
You are not selfish. This is your honeymoon for Gods sake. If she suffers from such extreme anxiety or is it that your fiancee is making this situation bigger than it needs to be? If she is not able to go away for a few days without her daughter what does that mean for you both in the future? If SD's anxiety is that bad she should get treatment.
Communicate your feelings and if you feel you are not able to just imagine how the rest of your future will be.
Never marry someone with kids
Never marry someone with kids. Call off the wedding. Trust me.
My ODS turned 7 the same week
My ODS turned 7 the same week we got married. I have him 100% of the time so he wasnt used to being away from me. Taking him on the honeymoon was never even a consideration, he stayed with my mom. He was definitely ready to come home after, but he was fine. I personally would keep it at a week (10 days might be pushing it a tiny bit tbh unless she already spends weeks at dads or whatever then its probably nbd) and if she really needs to DW can check in with SD on Skype for a few minutes once (not every day) during the week. Weddings and honeymoons are about the couple, not kids. Nearly everything else in your life is going to include or center around the kids, make this about you as a couple.
This is a totally batsh*t
This is a totally batsh*t request. A honeymoon is not a family vacation, it’s about a newlywed couple celebrating their marriage & starting their life together. The last thing you’re going to want is your MIL & SD tagging along, which is exactly what would end up happening.
My answer would be an emphatic no. Tog nailed it when she said this is a precursor of what’s to come if you marry this woman. There’s nothing reasonable about what she’s asking, and you’re not the selfish one.
Ditto everything everyone else said
From those of us who asked ourselves similar questions while dating and came to the wrong conclusion then, learn from our 20/20 hindsight.
Read
Read Cover1Ws blog posts to get an idea of what you're heading into.
Oh boy this is craaaaazzzzyyyyy!!
One of my cousins aged 35 and engaged, took her mummy on weekend getaway with her fiance. She followed them for everything. Her fiance was asian so very family oriented and guess what, that engagement ended long ago because of a grown womans enmeshment with her mummmyyyy. Thats what your darling fiance will end up with if she can’t face up to reality.
this is just as bad as my husband suggesting we take skids aged sd23, ss21 and sd14 on a weekend getaway for our 4th wedding anniversary. When hubby asked the moment ss messaged him he was free that weekend for hubby to take him and his sisters for a holiday and hubby had all along before told me he wasn’t free for our anniversary weekend and suddenly was the moment ss messaged him, the only answer hubby got was “NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!”
we brought our toddlers for all our getaways but they’re lovely to have around and manageable but skids not so much. Imagine a weekend getawya for anniversary, honeymoon or birthday sabotaged by skids me me me attention, them sittig in awkward silence ignoring you, talking about their other parent and stepparent in front of you, yeah real nice mood for intimacy.
if you don’t know this already, if you even agree to go to honeymoon with mil and skid coming along, you will come back home demanding an anulment/divorce
believe me whatever assurances your fiance is stating now means jackshit. She has no assurances her mum will take control of daughter. What happens when daughter cries demanding to sleep with her mum, yup your night of planned intimacy is ruined by a kid your now wife is making sleep in your bed.
is sd even sleeping in her own bed? The way things are right now say hello to a 35yr old still living with mummy, asking mummy what she should wear to work everyday if she gets a job, unable to be independent and figure stuffout on her own and take initiative
all vacations of special occasions like me or hubbys birthdays, our wedding anniversary etc do not include skids. Reason being those are planned intimate times where hubby hopes to get you know what and he knows skids will sabotage it. Picture this op, you and wife in the mood and psychotic banging on the door from lovely sd shouting at the top of her lungs shouting for mummy at any time she pleases for a non emergency situation that can wait till morning or when mum comes out. Yeah my lovely (insert sarcasm) sd23 did that early hours of the morning when me and hubby were actually having sex with our toddlers asleep in our room, she banged so hard and shouting asking for hubbys car keys... the emergency was a special bag of sugar she wanted to give to her aunt.
sd is lucky I didn’t answer the door then because she would have been in tears. I wanted to tell her off my kids (your half siblings are sleeping) and your banging and shouting for something thats not an emergency when you are perfectly capable of waiting for your dad to come out. You are being extremely rude. My husband left the room and opened the car door and this was at his family home in another state. Believe me there was no sex time that weekend, skids killed it and they always do, they are not pleasant one bit...
She's showing you that you're
She's showing you that you're not a priority. If you put your foot down and say no, will your bride be anxious without her DD attached at her hip?
No no no no no!!!
Just NO!!! Please do not get talked into this! Your fiancee is beyond unreasonable to request this! There is NO WAY this will not turn into a family vacation with your SD up your butt 24/7. Some honeymoon! Sorry to be TMI or whatever, but your honeymoon is supposed to be a 24/7 sexfest, and you're supposed to have that with your SD and your MIL in the adjoining room???? How could you even? You need to nope the hell out of this one, either find a way to knock some sense into your fiancee or don't marry her because this is a BIG DEAL and I would not be ok with it. No one should be. I can't stop shaking my head as I type this because I am just so dumbfounded that she would even suggest this.
Lol just love just j straight up point
“Your honeymoon is a 24/7 sexfest”, unless your fiancee has an infant/toddler then i get bringing them along if its her custody time but nope to an older child
^^^^^^^^^^ I'm still trying
^^^^^^^^^^ I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this request. I understand the OP's hesitation and the fact that this is even a conversation is truly disturbing.
And I’m still irritated that
And I’m still irritated that DH just had to take adult SD to the airport the morning after our wedding. The airport shuttle picked up at the hotel but nnnnoooooooo. That was, indeed, foreshadowing of things to come.
But taking other people with you on your honeymoon? Nope. No way, no how.
I first read it in a rush and
I first read it in a rush and understood that you are a woman and your future husband wants to bring SD and his ex wife to the honeymoon so she can babysit SD. Lol
This situation is equally crazy. I’d cancel the honeymoon and the wedding.
You are not being selfish.
You are not being selfish. Your soon to be bride is. This is a major issue that will either set up the rest of this marriage as nauseatingly Skid centric or as an equity life partnership between you and your bride.
You have to give your bride clarity. Do not purchase tickets for your SD and MIL. They have no business on your honeymoon.
I don't know about you but my
I don't know about you but my honeymoon got real freaky real fast lol I would NOT have wanted kids around or even nearby in another room with a family member. I was glad to pretend SD didn't exist and so was DH. Heck no. I wouldn't be ok with this in the slightest.
Why do you want a bad marriage
If SD can not be away for 7 to 10 days. You are losing the battle. And MIL to boot RED, RED flag
We didn't get a lot of
We didn't get a lot of details about your relationship. I agree with whatever everyone else said. Doubly so if your bride doesn't have a good fulltime job and is financially dependent on you or anyone else.
I'm also curious if the father is in the picture.