Asking for thoughts
(Long Rant warning)
So both me and my wife both had one child from a previous marriage, mine is a 10 year Old girl and my step son is 9 years of age. We just recently had an oops baby but we absolutely adore him.(5 months old).
Tonight was one of our first fights (argument) and it started out with me addressing how I felt that my daughter being the one who has to always comprise to fix any situation. I just back up a bit and give you a little detail of the topic at hand. My wife gets a call informing her of a Dr. appointment for this coming Monday and of course she totally forgot and I said I would take him as I’m normally off on Mondays but with that I stated but I know your ex husband will be there. (Ex husband and her do not get along he hates me and tells his son to hate me, as well we been in a court battle for the last 3 years with him) All I said is that you’ll just need to get my daughter as after school as she gets off at 4. She then ask if I can just meet her after I get him from school and then go get my daughter. Well there schools are 30 minutes apart his appointment is 4 pm and he gets outcast school at pm which I usually get out of his school parking lot at 3:20. Needless to say his appointment is 20 minutes past my daughters school. Wife say I don’t know why you can’t just meet me and have your daughter wait at her moms house till you can get her. My reasoning here was that I don’t feel like she should have to wait in fact she has already had to wait countless amounts of times before and thank god that both me and my ex wife get along amazing and actually our able to co - parenting and can talk to each other civil as well as help each other out if needed with the care of our child. But I feel it’s almost taken always as an out for my wife Because it’s and easy out for her.
One day it was my custody day and my daughter asked her mother if she could stay at her house for the night because I was not home, and of course my ex had asked me if this was ok and I said Yes. But it hurt me that she really did not want to be here while I’m not here and the moment I sent the text to my wife that she did not have to pick up up on her way home, I get a response from her saying (AWESOME!) this kind of ticked me off but I never addressed it with her as I knew it could lead into an argument.
So back too tonight, after this talk I told her that I felt this way and then I get did I not just pick her up today on the way home and you were off. Well yes I am off but her school is on your way home and I was did not think that was an issue as I had asked here prior to this point because I felt it had been. Please keep in mind I’m home with our NB baby all day and getting him packed up is a little bit of work as well most likely he’ll be crying the whole time lol.
She then rebuttal with how it hurt her how I talk to her son to his face. And at that point I told here I think we need to work on ourself 1st. So I figured we could talk after my daughter goes to bed however, she has since gone to bed at this point after getting our baby to sleep and no I did not go in there to ask her to talk either.
Back story on Step son: he’s 100% disrespectful, my daughter has come to me many of times crying and saying she can’t deal with it anymore She feel like he can do what ever he wants and if he does not get it he whines and cry’s and throws a fit which his mom usually gives in to him. I have had many of talks with my wife about this and she informs me that he’s only nine. Well I guess I’ve raised my daughter to be respectful and treat others as you would like to be treated. Say please and thank you, you know manors and respect elders. Well the step son does not he always bossing ever one around saying get me this get me that I’m hunger, if you tell him no he argues with you and does not stop. With his mom he does it until he gets his way. If you give him and answer to something he does not like he questions you and will ask you again and again ever 3 minutes. I told her along time at the start of our relationship that I do not like this and can’t work with it. She acknowledges that there are issues and said she did not know what to do and wanted my help. I’ve told her she needed to discipline him address issues as they arise with him and do not let him walk all over you. Well she asked how and to do this right when he does it. So I started to inform her at these moments and then her son would start yelling at me, so instead of informing I started addressing the issues. Needless to say it too a point that I I feel she does not address any of these issues I see which are multiple in a day, then I do it one time and I’m the bad guy for this as apparently that’s what she’s stating now.
So please tell me someone can understand where I’m coming from. Or maybe I’m just over thinking all this and I’m the asshole, which very well could be because I’ve thought about it myself)
There’s clearly a double
There’s clearly a double standard here where your wife wants you to pitch in & help with her son, but doesn’t want to return the favour with your daughter. This is her issue, and she’s being the ahole, not you.
Your daughter has already started picking up on the favouritism as she’s starting to ask not to be there when it’s just your wife at home. It’s not your wife’s responsibility to care for your daughter when you’re not there, of course, but it sounds as though she would expect you to do it for her son, and that’s not ok. (If the ex is going to be at the dr apt, why does he not just pick the kid up btw?)
You need to decide what’s most important for you. Your wife is clearly taking advantage of you, and no matter how wonderful she is otherwise, she’s not a wonderful wife to you in that respect. Her negative attitude will have an affect on your daughter as well, kids can always tell when they’re not wanted.
So. You can continue on as things have been going, allowing your wife to disrespect you & your daughter while you keep running around for her son. Or you can create boundaries with her and disengage from her son the same way she’s disengaged from your daughter.
That will create conflict within your marriage because your wife won’t like it, naturally, which is why you need to decide what’s more important to YOU. Respect within your marriage or maintaining the status quo.
Easy solution is you handle
Easy solution is you handle your kid and she handles her. Establish rules at home that both kids follow. If she won't enforce those rules with her son, that doesn't really matter; just don't allow your daughter (or you) to pick up that slack.
My guess is that your daughter isn't all sunshine and rainbows, and your wife likely has the same feelings towards her that you do about her son. You can argue until you're blue in the face that your daughter is "better", but your wife doesn't and isn't going to see her the same way you do. Your daughter Will annoy her faster than her son, just like her son annoys you faster than your daughter.
Also, if you two can't communicate, your relationship is doomed. You can't push topics off because then what could have been a constructive argument becomes a nasty fight. I recommend you all find a counselor that can help you learn to talk to each other, because it doesn't even sound like you can do that.
So, to recap:
Thank you, you just saved me
Thank you, you just saved me time by saying what I was going to say, plus more.
OP, the biggest issue here is the lack of communication and not fighting fair. You guys either avoid or "kitchen sink" the discussion, which is, "Oh well, since we are talking about my son behaves, let's talk about your daughter behaves!"
LOL at some of the responses
When a SM complains that her stepkids are not well behaved, the group generally takes her at her word. If a stepdad complains, quite a diffferent response.
How is it a different
How is it a different response? We’ve all said to disengage from the SS and stop expecting the wife to look after his daughter when he’s not home as clearly that’s an issue.
If a man was expecting a woman to cater to his child while ignoring or resenting hers, my advice would have been the same for her. Stop doing what you’re doing for the skid, and stop asking for help with yours.
I’ve also seen lt_d give identical advice to other posters who’ve had similar issues with their partners & skids, so I’m really not sure what you’re getting at.
How is it different? People
How is it different? People tell SMs to disengage and not deal with their step kids and that’s what we are telling him to do. Monkeysee even told him he’s being taken advantage of, which is a common response to SMs too.
I’m confused by where you see a difference.
comments like
Neither kid poops fairy dust
All little kids can be monsters -- in effect blaming them both
Lt_d has made that comment to
Lt_d has made that comment to several SM’s about their kids as well, this is not the first time I’ve seen her call a poster out on the fact that their partner won’t see the kid in the same way the BP does. She has always been a middle ground for posters who complain about their partners & skids while saying how much better behaved their own kids are.
Her advice was also to disengage & keep parenting responsibilities separate. Really failing to see the sexist advice you seem to see here.
LD always gives a measured
LD always gives a measured response, IMO. She's not one to pile on the skids. And this is a case where the bio parent is showing dissatisfaction with her own skid (saying AWESOME! when skid is not coming over).
Meh, I don't see it as any different. People are giving the typical advice they give. I'm waiting for wildstang to come in and say he's using her by being a SAHD. Or Noskids to come in and say RUN.
I did not read he was a SAHD
He said he was normally off Mondays, which to me implies he works. Maybe I missed something
Yeah, because it's rarelt
Yeah, because it's rarelt ever one or the other.
How often do we see posts from a SP who says the child is disrespectful to them ONLY when the other parent is around, so they never see their BK act out?
How often do we see "my husband wife is AMAZING except for X, Y, and Z."
As human beings, we're bad at blaming the people we love and care about, and we can very easily shift the blame onto the person/thing that is delivering the poor behavior/feelings, etc.
I'm not saying the OP's DD is fully to blame (though he even admits she isn't perfect). But I am saying that he needs to take a step back and make SURE his kid isn't causing more issues. Her poor behavior is a reflection on HIM as both a parent AND partner.
The same applies for his wife. If his SS is a brat, it's because his DW is a poor parent AND partner. If she isn't willing to parent better or doesn't see the issue in what she is doing, then he needs to disengage - as does she, since he clearly doesn't agree with her parenting style given his SS's behavior.
My statement of "all kids can be little monsters" was a reality check that DD isn't perfect and SS isn't Satan incarnate (or, likely they aren't). I've pounded that concept into SM's heads time and again. I have told SMs to blame their spouses for their SKs' poor behavior time and again. I'm doing the same here - before casting stones at SS, you better make sure your DD and your parenting in perfect.
I'm RARELY ever dumping on SKs because most of their issues stem from poor parenting. However, that doesn't mean their behavior isn't annoying. And, ultimately, they are human with many, many flaws. Any parent who sees their kid as flawless (or their spouse, for that matter) needs a reality check.
I see where all your
I see where all your responses are coming from, I’m not saying my daughter in not perfect at any means lol.
I do agree with you all, with mentioned taking care of my daughter during my time as well her taking care if hers son during her time also. However there is no way she can do it in the morning as she has already left for work so I usually always have the morning rush to take care with all 3 children.
But we will figure it out.
I would recommend family counseling
My intiital reaction is that she is using you. She may be overwhelmed, maybe she works longer hours. But I think if you both guys give it a fair chance, an independent person can help you guys come up with suggestions that work for all of you
Then she wakes him up before
Then she wakes him up before she goes. She takes him to daycare. If she isn't willing to help you out but expects you to help her, then you stop being the babysitter to her kid in the mornings.
Is it difficult? Absolutely. That's why one shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. You take care of her son in the morning. She grabs your daughter on the way home. That's a very fair arrangement...
...unless you are not giving her ample notice, your daughter is mistreating her, or you aren't being as equitable in other areas of your relationship as you think. Overall, none of this gets sorted until you BOTH can sit down and vocalize your issues.
It sounds like you're a bottler, whereas she gets catty and quiet. Avoiding arguments isn't okay. Arguing over your kids, who happen to be each other's SKs, is normal. Not loving a SK like you love your own is normal. Not liking or wanting to be around your SK, even a well-behaved one, is normal. But it's hard to talk about those things because parents become VERY protective of their kids when it gets discussed.
Your daughter may be perfectly lovely, but that doesn't mean your wife wants to help parent her. If you are okay with helping parent her son while she doesn't help parent your daughter, that's an acceptable dynamic. If you don't like that, and she doesn't like you not parenting or helping with her kid, then she's likely using you.
However, you'll never know the answer until you have some tough conversations where you BOTH have to listen and not immediately become defensive of your kids, this will continue to be a problem.
The kid who goes to daycare
The kid who goes to daycare is their mutual kid.
The SS is 9...and he goes to school. Most schools have hours that they are "open" so if she goes to work too early, dropping him off at school may not be an option.
Right, but she can either
Right, but she can either wake him up and get him ready so he can just catch the bus, or she can take him to daycare, who will handle getting him to school.
My point is that it's unfair to expect OP to get all 3 kids ready in the morning when DW isn't willing to pick up DD in the afternoon (barring legitimate reasons why DW wouldn't want to be left alone with her SD) on her way home from work when it's more convenient for her.
I agree. They're going to
I agree. They're going to have to decide if they want to live in a "tit for tat" kind of household where they both only do anything for theirs...even when it's more convenient for them to divide up duties.
However, I never read anywhere that she's saying she doesn't want to pick up her SD anymore. Just that she texted 'AWESOME!' when her DH told her that SD would be staying with her mom since he wasn't home and that she wanted some weird, convoluted pick-up/meeting arrangement around her kid's doctor's appointment.
I don't think that freely expressing excitement/gratitude for some unexpected downtime when you've literally just had a baby and are working long hours = "I hate your kid and am never doing anything for her again!" As for the doctor's office...I don't know what's going on. Based on what OP wrote, I think his wife may have some anxiety about her husband and her ex being together and getting along and is trying to avoid that situation...even though it doesn't make any sense given their schedules.
Generally, though, I don't think it's a big deal when kids have to wait a bit. Maybe it's just how I was raised (i.e. to be patient and understand my place in the pecking order of a large family with 6 kids...but I was taught early that I was on my parent's schedule, they weren't on mine.) I mean, honestly...what else do they have to do? And she'd be 'waiting' at her mom's house...which I assume is where she lives most of the time.
This just wouldn't be my hill to die on or something I'd start an argument over. Nor would it make me assume my partner disliked my kid or had disengaged. It kind of seems like OP is the one who turned it into a "your kid vs my kid" contest here...and maybe there's reason for that. But as I said below...it's not about whose kid is "better" and whose kid is "worse" since they are two entirely different people. It's about what the adults in the home can live with.
Oh good. Nice to see the
Oh good. Nice to see the sexism police have shown up for this post. Oh the supreme irony in misogynists who find non-existent “reverse sexism” everywhere they look. Gawd forbid anyone recommend balance, empathy, and understanding.
Anyway. OP. I concur with the counseling idea and disengaging...but I’d also cut my wife a lot of slack right now. I don’t believe she’s “using” you. To me, it sounds like she’s a woman who just went through the trauma of a later-in-life pregnancy and delivery...and has already gone back to working very long hours while caring for a newborn and dealing with a blended family situation.
The fact is...every survey, sociological study, etc. shows conclusively that being a stepmom is harder than being a stepdad...for a lot of understandable reasons. The stepkids are far less likely to accept you, the ex is more likely to be intrusive or over-involved, you tend to have to watch money go out of your household to another household, the visitation schedule is disruptive and makes it difficult to bond...etc.
Your situation may very well be different. But The fact that your daughter wants to stay with her mom and that your wife is fine with that arrangement shows that maybe they don’t have as good of a relationship as you imagine...and maybe your daughter is more difficult than you know when you aren’t around.
(Though I think your wife’s “AWESOME!” may have been referrring to the fact that she could go straight home after a long day of work. No one loves car line...even for their own kid. Think about it...if your wife were the mother of your daughter and you texted her to let her know daughter was hanging out with a friend after school and she responded in this way...would it hurt your feelings/make you think she dislikes the girl? Or would you assume your wife is just grateful for a little downtime and the break from car line? This is the trap a lot of stepmoms fall into. Treat them like your own/love them like your own...but the moment you have a feeling that’s common even among bio-parents...suddenly you’re NOT a real parent and how dare you??!! It starts to make you feel like you have to 'walk on eggshells' in the way you communicate with your husband...or just stuff every feeling way down deep.)
I will say...this phenomenon was true with my stepkids. I cared for them and loved them and did a lot for them...and the moment my husband wasn’t around they scattered/went silent/went to their rooms. It was hurtful...and he didn’t see it. It got to the point where I was far more comfortable in my own home when they weren’t there. I was always good to them...but I pulled way back, did my best without going overboard...and was grateful for my time alone with my husband.
Again...none of this changes my advice above. Disengage. Communicate. Maybe start a conversation with something like: “What are you having trouble adjusting to right now....what’s feeling hard or overwhelming?”
Something like that could open the door to talk about the situation like a problem that you’re BOTH facing and both trying to solve. Maybe she’s feeling exhausted by work. Maybe she wants more time alone with her new baby. Maybe she stresses about you and her ex getting into it in front of her son at the doctors office and is simply trying to avoid that scenario.
The point is...it’s not about establishing which child is objectively “worse” or who is at fault. It’s about approaching this like a team, finding out what’s intolerable for the other person...and taking steps to create a happy, unified home...something you both can live with. That can’t happen until you talk.