Stop projecting your disappoint in your kid onto me
So DH is in an engineering field and had high hopes that SD would go into something STEM related as well. BM has a liberal arts degree. SD appears to have the same strengths as BM and struggles in what DH was hoping she would be good at. Today he mentioned that he wished our school had a STEM program like the school in the neighboring town does. And I said well the kids might not go into anything related to that anyway so maybe it doesnt even matter. And there are actually some extracurricular things they can do for that anyway.
He lost it and said that no matter what he says I say something "against him." How is that in any way against him? I know exactly what it is, it's the fact that my answer confirms his fears that SD probably won't go into that field and again shes more like BM in that regard. Somehow me not sharing in his delusions about who his kid is means that it's okay to take it out on me.
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Call him out on it. Tell him
Call him out on it. Tell him that you have the unique position of seeing a skid from a different perspective as him. She is not an extention of him. She can have her own desires, dreams and goals when it comes to what she wants to be when she grows up. He's being a little immature about his child, who is also part BM, is choosing to be like her mom in some ways. It was bound to happen.
I don't see
why he would even feel disappointment unless he is just full of himself. My DH and I and my ex husband are all very artistic people. All of the kids, save one, are very artistic people. DS doesn't have an artistic bone in his body. However, he is smart, funny, a good husband and father and a future teacher. We joke and laugh about his lack of artistic qualities. I have never felt the need for any of the kids to be an extension of me and my husband and ex feel the same way. They are individuals with their own strengths and weaknesses.
That's exactly how I feel.
That's exactly how I feel. Hes gotten super offended multiple times over similar things - both her and my ODS are exceptionally unathletic for example and I've mentioned it jokingly about BOTH of them. Because I really could care less if hes good at them or not and DH had mentioned many times that he gets crap from his coworkers about not being into sports. But apparently he still expected her to be athletic??? He was also upset with her not having inherited her grandmas singing voice...I mean seriously who cares. Being able to sing is cool if you can and really doesnt affect your life if you cant. Most people arent exceptionally talented at multiple things (or even necessarily one) so why would you even expect that?
I pretty much dont give an opinion at all about most things concerning her at this point, but since I'm not confirming for him that shes the greatest thing ever silence is taken as an insult. And the things I do see as positives arent exceptional enough apparently.
My husband
and middle DD have beautiful singing voices...the rest of us figure if we can't sing well then we should sing loudly lol. I have three readers for kids (I am a reader, I read everything) and one who struggles with learning disabilities and doesn't enjoy reading. Eh. I encourage her to read but don't feel upset or offended by her lack of interest. If anything I have compassion and understanding because I know she struggles.
I just don't get the idea of being super offended over things like this. He might have fewer problems with his child if he would quit focusing on what she doesn't enjoy and would learn to love her for who she is. Even if it is just "she has a great smile" or "She is kind to animals." Extraordinary is overrated and rarely lasts.
OMG we are living parallel lives
DH just did this to me today, too.
I made the suggestion that OSS stop doing/he stop paying for OSSs sport club activity since OSS hardly every goes. I was not judging the kid. He isn’t athletic. Fine he does other stuff. Fine. Stop pretending he’s gonna do this thing. He’s also almost 18 and by lack of participation he’s made his choice.
DH got super shirty with me that *I* think OSS should be athletic and I should stop comparing him to DS (my bio). I didn’t say a single word about DS. I am down on OSS. I don’t give him credit, etc. I should appreciate that he has a job. (I never said I didn’t and the discussion wasn’t about that.) But I did say he seems to like his job and he’s been doing it for almost a year, so maybe let that be his activity. That didn’t go over well either. DH seems to be upset that OSS isn’t athletic. DH was in sports and held a part time job, so why not be happy about that?
I cannot say anything that other than totally positive or blatantly non-committal words. I’m tired of not just being able to state an opinion without him using it as a springboard to offload all his bad feelings.
Ugh. We had a similar thing
Ugh. We had a similar thing with SD doing gymnastics. BM wanted to come to our house during supper time to get her for it 2x a week and then drop her back off again and even slightly expressing annoyance about that led to "SD can never do any of this stuff because of you" and pouting as his automatic response. I never even said no just rolled my eyes and went ugh about BM having to show up at supper and then bedtime 2x a week. And I KNEW SD did not want to be in gymnastics and her mom was forcing her to for some unknown reason ..and I was right. BM wanted her to be in it because her fiance and his ex were taking their kid to it so she needed to include SD. She had to beg SD to try it and then she ended up not even going to half the classes anyway. But yeah, I'm a terrible person for just being annoyed having to deal with BM extra when I knew it was about her and not SD.
You're exactly right, it has to be only positivity at all times. So realistic. And I'm sure alot of it is actually him projecting his feelings onto me because he thinks he cant have any negative feelings about his kid or being a parent or hes betraying her in some way.
It's ridiculous when parents
It's ridiculous when parents decide how they want their kids to turn out and then get upset when they don't have aptitude or interest in those areas.
You can't control who your child becomes. I hate all this emphasis on STEM fields as the most important ones - not everyone is interested or has the mindset for those fields. We do still need social workers and teachers and salespeople, etc.
It's fine to be disappointed in how your kid turns out if they are a total loser, but ridiculous to be upset that they have strengths in areas you don't approve of.
That being said, "mmm-hmmm" is probably the best answer you can give on this topic!
Yeah...BM is kind of a loser
Yeah...BM is kind of a loser so I can see how he might be a little worried about her going down the same path since they're so much alike. But I also think he just wants his kids to be like him and share his interests so they can be buddies when they're older. Sorry, you dont get to pick who you get for kids and they might not necessarily be alot like you.
It irritates me when parents
It irritates me when parents think they have the right to teach and tell their own children what to think, or don't realise their children are not extensions of themselves, but different people in their own right - with a right to their own thoughts, preferences, ideas, ideals and dreams. My philosophy is that I teach my son how to think, not what to think - and respect that he is his own person.
I know my son will not follow in my footsteps or that of his father. His interests are different and that is ok. My son's father went against what is the "family profession" and for a while it created a rift with his mother (my MIL). It isn't worth fighting with your children over what they want for themselves when it is a legimate choice.
Your DH may be disappointed in his child and taking his anger out on you, however he is foolish and has no right to do so. He needs to grow up emotionally.