Kinda OT: Polygamy
I have always been intrigued by polygamy. I indulge in a guilty pleasure every Sunday. I watch Sister Wives and Seeking Sister Wife on TLC. If you're not familiar with either of these shows they are basically about polygamy. In Sister Wives the husband has four wives. In my opinion they are all miserable except for the last wife. She seems to be his favorite. In Seeking Sister Wife the families are looking to add a new wife.
What intrigues me what would drive a woman to seek a polygamous relationship? Some of them claim that it's because of their religion. Ok, I can understand that. But there's one couple on Seeking Sister Wife (the Snowdens) and for the life of me I can't figure out why these women would want to be involved in this. They claim that they are more "spiritual" than religious. So it's not for religion. Both women are attractive and educated and the man is not all that. He doesn't seem to be super rich. So I'm watching this show thinking to myself that these women are crazy. There's no way in hell I would share my husband with another woman.
But then it dawned on me. Dealing with BM is kind of like living in polygamy. Of course there's no sexual relationship anymore. But I'm still sharing my husband with another woman. He used to pay a lot of child support every month. He was a support system for her. Every time she got in some kind of trouble she would call him. And he would be there for her. And as much as I hate to admit it, there was an emotional connection there for the first 5-6 years of our marriage. Ugh.
So I guess I'm not too different from the women on the shows. At least the majority of them are doing for religious reasons. I'm just doing it for "love". Sigh. Thanks for reading.
Full Disclosure: My husband was raised in polygamy. His father had two wives. My sister lived in polygamy for several years her husband had 3 wives. My sister did it for religious reasons. My father in law did it for religious and cultural reasons and because he wanted 2 wives. His second wife my (MIL) was 22 years younger than in his first wife. My sister and her co wives were all around the same age.
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It intrigues me-there does
It intrigues me-there does seem to be a lot of helping hands to go around and that part seems lovely ha! Did you ever watch Big Love, that was a GREAT tv show. But yeah, I'm not that into sharing either ha-
I watch those shows, the
I watch those shows, the sister wives is somewhat legit. I worked with a guy whose wife’s cousin is wife number 2, Janelle. He said they only brought Robin in for the show, that they hadn’t actually been looking for another wife.
As for the Seeking Sister wife, it’s all fake!
my cousin married a man who came from a polygamist family, he told her he did not want several wives but he did want to move back in his hometown. So she moved there with him and had his children. She had to wear the long dresses and after two years he told her he wanted to take on another wife. She chose to leave him and moved back home with her parents. We found out later he was part of the Warren Jeffs stuff.
Do I agree with polygamy? Shrugs shoulders.
Different strokes for
Different strokes for different folks, IMO.
As long as A) the women and girls are not opressed and
there's no fraud being committed, who cares.
I saw a documentary several years ago that exposed some polygamist wives collecting government subsidies to help support their huge families. Since only the first wife was legally married, the other wives claimed to be single mothers in order to get free health care, food stamps, etc. What a scam, but then it's an inherently flawed system if it encourages one man to have more children than he can support.
It's weird and sexist. I've
It's weird and sexist. I've never heard of a woman having 3 husbands. Why not? Because this is a tradition created by men that see women as property. It's like having 3 pets, just with women instead of animals.
If people want to participate in sexist patriarchal traditions, that's their business, but I think it's gross.
The issue comes down to
The issue comes down to choice and freedom for all involved. I have met a few couples where one person is polyamorous and the other is monogamous. I've met triads, where all three folks are together. A few "harems" with one male and several females. A few "cuckolds" where the woman had multiple mates.
Different strokes for different folks. When one person has their choice and power removed, it becomes a problem. Anytime someone does it for "religious" or "cultural" reasons, I do assume the relationship has some level of control differential. Or, when a couple seek out another mate together. "Unicorns" do exist, but many times, the couples looking for someone are new to poly/open relationships and want to relegate that person to secondary status with the same responsibilities as a primary partner (sound familiar, anyone?).
You have to be someone who is confident in themselves enough to say no or walk away, and true practitioners of a poly lifestyle recognize that (just like true practitioners of a monogamous lifestyle don't say yes to encounters outside their relationship boundaries). However, like with any relationship, those with nefarious motives or who aren't mentally sound themselves prey upon those in a weakened state. That's why the mantra "love yourself first" is so important; if you don't know your own value, you're more likely to be sucked into a poor situation.
Polyamorous and polygamy are
Polyamorous and polygamy are totally different. The women in polygamous relationships aren't allowed other partners, just the men.
I'm well aware that there is
I'm well aware that there is a difference between the two. But I also have no issue with polygamy or polyandry if that is what people freely choose. Polygamy, as a definition, just means having more than one wife (polyandry being more than one husband). What I DO have any issue with is ANY poly relationship using unequal power structures to control another person.
There ARE women with two husbands who do not wish to sleep together or date anyone other than their wife. You don't hear about it as much in western culture because it doesn't have religious or cultural ties.
There is a difference between being a polygamist because your religion says so and being a polygamist because everyone wants to be involved. Most in the latter category don't associate with the word due to the negative cultural connotation.
Not all Baptists are hate-filled bigots just because the Westboro Baptist Church portrays such a thing. Not all polygamists do it for cultural or religious reasons that maintain unequal and sexist power structures.
Yeah, I'm not buying that,
Yeah, I'm not buying that, sorry. Most marriages with one husband and 3 wives are based on patriarchal ideas of what men are entitled to. Just because women go along with it, doesn't mean it's not demeaning and sexist. Women have been pretty well trained to accept what is not really in their best interest.
You're not buying people's
You're not buying people's lived experience?
I won't disagree that there are bad polygamy relationships. But there are also bad monogamous relationships. Hell, marriage has never been an institution that was "in a woman's best interest". It was a system that made women property and a good that could be bartered, traded, and sold for the benefit of men.
Marriage today also rarely benefits women. There is still a lot of social pressure for married women to change their names, give up their career advancement for the benefit of their husband, maintain the home, raise the kids (and their stepkids) - ALL at their own mental, physical, and financial expense.
Plus, monogamous marriage for a LONG time allowed for spousal rape to be legal. Same with beating your wife. There are still jurisdictions that view domestic violence as a "family matter".
Monogamous marriages have been bad for women, too, yet I don't see nearly the amount of people condemning monogamy as they do any type of poly relationship.
How people want to structure their relationships - whether it be two wives and a husband, one wife and four husbands, three husbands, one husband and one wife - shouldn't matter. The problem isn't the relationship structure itself; it's the power dynamics that exist within it. Monogamous relationships can suffer from the same issues as polygamist ones. However, we as a society seem fine when it's only one woman suffering in the dynamic versus when there are more - because we don't actually care about the women suffering, we care that they would be willing to share a single d***, which somehow makes THEM less virtuous than their husband.
I always joke and say I want
I always joke and say I want a sister wife! Just one who isn't sleeping with ny husband! I want help with kids, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc!
On a serious note, there is no way I could be in a relationship like that. To each their own, but not for me! DH thinks it would be crazy to try and keep more than one woman happy lol!
Sister wives is the only one
Sister wives is the only one of those programs I watch. I find it fascinating, the social side of it, how the men cope in those situations I don't know. My DH says it would be a living nightmare for him.
By the way I think Meri is very manipulative and is using the giving up of the legal wife position to her advantage. She has very much detached herself emotionally and her behaviour over getting that Bed and Breakfast house was horrible.