Question regarding sports

The first year: Girls did cheerleading in our area. They loved it.

Second Year: Girls wanted to do cheerleading again. Mom refused and didnt want them to attend on her days. We told her that we understood and that we would only sign them up if the league allowed us to take them on our days. Just so the girls could do cheerleading because they truly enjoyed it and after everything they had been going through it was a great distraction. Mom ended up bringing them and tried to take over .. The coach even caught on. The therapist felt mom was also trying to make excuses on why not to bring them.

Third year: Girls want to play softball with people they have been doing cheerleading with , their step sister etc... Mom argued that she would like them to play sports in her area during the spring and fall in ours. She said it takes away her time etc to bring them. She has a excuse each year. We explained that the girls were already use to area they play in and was playing with friends etc. It would also split our family in two different directions as well. Making it hard for us to get all of the children to their sports. Mom has never showed interest in kids sports etc. She has stopped vacations, special events etc by denying certain things so our family gets split a lot. We do feel this is done on purpose. However we talked to the league in the past and they are very understanding about divorced famlies. Its not mandortory that the children attend every game and practice. So with that being said we decided the best way we knew how to make it work for everyone is Sign the girls up to play where they have been playing and just take them on our days and mom can sign them up in her area to play on her days. Neither parent is to expect the other parent to bring the children on their days unless they choose to do so on their own time.

The temp papers state that neither parent can sign the children up for activties on the other parents time. She also for now has final say on everything ( Which will be changed in court soon due to the way it is being abused and our last lawyer messed it up , and the new lawyer feels this is not fair and has been absued on the mothers part. There are lots of other issues with mom that we are also battling) The girls do see a therpaist and mom has been warned about how she is treating the girls etc. Extreme emotional abuser.

Here is what I am asking.... Would you be ok if the other parent signed the children up for sports ( because the kids beg to play where they have been playing), pays for everything ( which that parent has paid for everything since day 1) and explains to the other parent that they are not obligated to bring them and it is not mandortory to attend because they understand that it is their time with the children and it was their choice. That they understood that the children would only be attending on their days and the children have the understanding of that as well. That he is ok with them attending sports in our area on our days and attending sports in her area on her days so that it works for everyone.

My thought is : If the other parent is not expecting the other parent to bring them on their days or that its not mandtory that they attend then that means that parent is still being respectful in making sure the kids are not being signed up on the other parents time. Especially since sports do not fit the needs of divirced families schedule. They do not have sports the kids want to attend just on one parents certain schedule. That is why you still follow the ground rules and not expect that parent to bring them during their time? Since mom mentioned playing sports in her area then she agrees they can play sports so neither parent is breaking the final say so rule.. Then they play in one area on moms day and one area on dads day and everyone is compromising?

carterwife06's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Of course I'd be ok with that

Of course I'd be ok with that, but I'm a reasonable person without an agenda. But . . . If this complies with the court order, and you're not signing them up for an activity they need to attend during her time, why do you need to tell her?

I guess my husband and I feel

I guess my husband and I feel that no matter what she is always welcomed to watch them even on her off days. She is the type that would say we didnt send the schedule because we are trying to isolate her etc. We just try to cover any argument all the way around.

OK, so you are going to

OK, so you are going to delete anyone who doesn't agree with you.

Best wishes, OP.

No I am open to discussing

No I am open to discussing this. I feel like I did not explain myself very well with the first blog. I replied to you and then when I went back to edit part of it I deleted it not knowing it delted your comment as well. I havent used this site very long. I do not see any issues with the girls playing sports in her area. The only issue we have is that the kids have some consistency and let them continue to play with they have been playing as well. Not to mention we do not expect mom to bring them on her days and the kids understand this. They knew since the very beginning that mom and dad had a choice on to bring them or not. You have no idea what their mom has put these girls through. They have been moved around, shuffled, put through adult situations that they should have never been put through... it caused emotional damage on the girls as well. That is why we were ok with them playing in both areas so that everyone was happy... Mom not only asked that they play in her area she mentioned a couple different places... which was further out for both parents..... Not to mention it didnt even offer the sport they wanted to play. Mom just wants to move them even if it isnt in her area.

OP - DH needs to stop

OP - DH needs to stop scheduling things on her days, or not letting her make decisions, per the CO. Even if you tell her she doesn't have to take the kids to their sports, she then has to be the "bad guy" if they want to go.

This is a very good way to alienate kids from their parent, which you and DH are in danger of doing, whether you mean it intentionally or not.

You are not the "good" guys and she is not the "bad" one. She is the mother, and the kids could very well be telling all of you what you want to hear, which is what kids do when their divorced parents can't get along.

Please make peace with the fact that this person is their mother, she will always be in their life, and DH doesn't have the right to just override her or the CO because he thinks it's best. Figure out how to work with BM.

This works for now while kids

This works for now while kids are young but as they get older missing practices and games will not be OK.

I would nip this now and I think what BM agreed to is reasonable. Spring her area Fall your area. Then the next year switch it, Spring your area and Fall her area.

Your issue of having to be in different places with different sets of kids is not BM's issue. And same for her when it is your turn.

I get HCBMs believe me but you are creating a fight where there doesn't need to be one.

Its more to it. She has not

Its more to it. She has not only suggested her area but another area as well. That was further out for both of them. That sport place didnt even offer the sport the girls were wanting to play. Mom does not help us pay for sports either. My husbands pays for all of it. All their equipment etc. The girls do not know this either because that is none of their business. They just need to be kids and have fun. But if mom is going to suggest someonewhere that is double the price I feel she needs to be willing to atleast offer to help out as well. We tell the children that if they play that they can not expect mom to bring them on her time. That that their mom's time is just as important and she may have other things she would like to do with them. I guess my whole issue is we know mom isnt suggesting those areas for a good reason.. she is doing it to be difficult. I get both sides honestly if mom was truly asking with good intentions. Mom isnt even sure she will bring them much during her time in her area...

OP - do you see how you

OP - do you see how you always assign "bad intentions" to BM, and "good intentions" to you and DH? The world doesn't work that way.

If BM wants to drive them to Timbuktu for sports, she has that right. She's the decider.

Sorry you feel that way. We

Sorry you feel that way. We are not trying to alenate anyone. Mom is mom. I get that. We even offered to find a sport that met in the middle. We are trying the best we can. The only thing we know to do is not to sign them up period .... However they were super upset the last season we didnt sign them up.. which we gave mom the opputunity to do so and she didnt. Mom even said she would and didnt. We are trying to make everyone happy period!

BM is the decider. If the

BM is the decider. If the kids tell you they want to play sports in your area, you say to them, "Let mom know, it's her decision." And if they say, "Mom says no," you say, "Sorry kiddo, maybe next year."

Done. You don't go sign them up anyway and then get mad when BM wants to do it in her area. I know you aren't TRYING to alienate BM, but what you are doing is alienating behavior.

If the CO changes, then DH may have other options. But these are his current options.

My question is, if the CO

My question is, if the CO changes-then how does it suddenly NOT become alienating behavior? Though I truly believe it' unintentional -sports in divorced families are a nightmare to be honest. I would not even worry about it tbh.

We also told mom we were

We also told mom we were perfectly ok with her signing them up in her area. That way everyone can take the children to practice when they wanted to and such. We are not asking that it only be played in our area.. we asked if we could leave it in our area for some reasons. Then we came up with the soultion of on days here and days there instead of it just being in our area or hers. The girls asked to play softball and mom took the girls one weekend and asked if they would play soccer instead... Mom has never listened to her children since day one... She has also tried to give up a child up for adoption that she had after my husband and her split. You have no idea the stuff she made these girls keep quiet. We are trying to give the girls oppurtunites to enjoy being a kid and paticipate in things they want to play in. Trust me we have bent over backwards for mom.

Mom took the girls to disney world for a week and missed school. Which we were ok with as long as the kids were not missing anything major at school and they made up work. Gave up our days so they could go and enjoy time with their mom.

We then asked one time if we could take the kids on a trip that my dad paid for as a gift and the kids would have to miss school and it ony fell on two of her days and she denied it and said they didnt need to miss school..........

Mom has been a struggle since day one and we do anything we can to make thing fair. We have tried and I would never take the place of mom because I am a mom myself and understand. My ex husband and I get along very well and we meet in the middle with things. I have never had the issues we are having now. We are doing our best to make things easy on everyone.

I get that. But you are

I get that. But you are giving them the message that you care about them and BM doesn't. If BM won't agree to what they want, then they can have the therapist help them talk to her, or whatever. At this point, whether you like or not, and whether the kids like it or not, BM has control over these issues.

And you do care that it was in her area, you went on and on about how the kids want your area, and it's inconvenient for you to go to her area, etc, etc.

Our area worked for several

Our area worked for several reasons yes but we also agreed they didnt have to play in our area at all times ... We are fine with her splitting the time somewhere else and neither parent having to move them from where they play and they can continue to play with kids they know etc..

To be honest though, I think

To be honest though, I think her offer of split spring/fall is entirely reasonable and the best way to split things. Going to two different teams in two different areas for two seasons is just plain insanity and will burn the girls out. Do not become one of those parents. One season at each parents is incredibly reasonable and probably in best interest of the kids. What the kids 'want' isn't always what they get- you guys seem very child centric with all the 'we want to do whatever makes them happy' nahhhh...life isn't always fair. They will adjust. If mom DOESN'T take them in her season that's ok too and her choice-they don't HAVE to play 2 seasons a year.

It's such a US obsession to overschedule kids in multiple sports, year round and the family normal routine gets lost in the shuffle and it becomes overbearing.

I understand that about doing

I understand that about doing spring/fall ... That would work if she actually signed them up. If our co parenting was normal then this would most definitely work. Mom is known to pitch a fit about something then say she is doing it but then it doesnt happen. Mom does not help pay for sports or anything needed for sports. Mom also suggested a place that wasnt even playing the sport the girls wanted to play. She doesnt just want them in just her area ... she wants them anywhere else but where they have been playing. Its a control thing. Mom moves the kids constantly. She keeps moving thier schools, dentist office, possibly where they live again, She has done stuff constantly and comes back with the answer “I have final say so and there is nothing you can do about it” Its a nightmare. We asked her to just leave them where they are at for sports for several reasons. Why move them if she isnt going to attend even if its her area or wherever she chooses at that time. Let them just play and it enjoy it when they can.

I get it that it's control,

I get it that it's control, but that said, she doesn't HAVE TO sign them up for sports even if she agrees to it. So if they only play the season they are with you, so be it. I don't know their ages but it's not critical to play 2 seasons. Once they start middle school if they make a team at school, problem is then solved. You guys again keep insisting that the kids have/get to do whatever they want....it doesn't work that way. For some people sports is not that big of a deal and that doesn't make them a bad parent. If you keep forcing your way the girls WILL grow to resent their mom and will cause issues. The girls get told you get one season and they can do the sport there. The next season is up to their mom and on dh's days they can just do normal family stuff!! Or other outdoor activities like hiking, biking, etc-doesn't have to be a sport and cause potential alineation problems.

Then work on getting the CO changed.

If BM doesn't have to shell

If BM doesn't have to shell out, doesn't have to go nor take the kids there.... why does she need to know?

The girls will mention it, obviously... so you can always respond to her crazy questions with... "I followed the court order. They're not signed up on your time, nor are you paying a share. I'd be happy to split the cost with you if you want to take them on your time, but you'd have to speak to the coach, because I only signed them up to be there on MY time."

But they ARE signed up on her

But they ARE signed up on her time. They just won't be going. So that means BM is the meanie who won't take them to their sports, or she has to take them, or she has to give up time for them to go with DH, even though she had no input in it.

They are not signed up on her

They are not signed up on her time. They only go if the practice is scheduled on our day. Just like with cheerleading only one game fell on her day. all the games happen to land on our day. We have not asked or forced her to take them. Mom has signed one of the girls up for something that had to be attened to each time or the child could not participate. Mom didnt ask she just did it. So dad would have been the horrible one if he didnt take them .... because they wouldnt have been able to go all together... We made it happen even though it did interfer with some things... Why because his daughter really wanted to do it so we made it happen. We would never do that.. we sign them up as long as its not manditory for the other parent etc... That way no one is bad cop and no one is commiteed to having to attend each one. We have made sure the girls get that each parents time is special and it doesnt matter how you spend it.. it matters that you enjoy the time together.

if our league would have said they could't miss but so many practices etc we would have had to say sorry then we will have to figure something else out. I agree it not fair to expect any parent to do something so we try our best to make sure we work around that.

If a discussion had to take

If a discussion had to take place with the coach to make sure it was ok to only go 50% of the time because the parent only had them 50% of the time.... what's the problem with telling the kids that they're only going when they're with Dad...

BM is NOT responsible for what happens during Dad's time... and if BM decides not to take them, so what? Feefees get hurt? Set the expectation from the start. It's ONLY on Dad's time.

They're old enough to understand that their mom is a b!tch without being required to hear the word. It's ok for SM to call a spade a spade and speak the truth. (ETA: by this I mean that it's perfectly ok to tell the girls the expectation is only on dad's time, and dad makes decisions for his time and mom makes decisions for her time. Whatever the girls make of it, is probably accurate anyway.)

BM has to give up nothing, because none of it is on her time nor dime. If she FEELS like she's obligated, that's on her... and not SM and Dad's problem - they're as entitled to do what they like on their time as BM is on hers.

However, that's not true. The

However, that's not true. The CO says BM has final decision making. So if she exercises that, that's her right to do it.

While i agree with just going

While i agree with just going forward and signing them up explaining to all involved (coach, BM, kids) their schedule might conflict, I do NOT agree you shouldn’t tell her. Give her the option to participate always! That’s how you get the right to say you’re not alienating BM.

Thats why we give her the

Thats why we give her the schedule, coaches name and number etc.... We still make sure she is informed. We even ask if she wants a mom shirt with their numbers on it etc. She is their mom and we make sure she is included no matter the circumstances.

It's ridiculous - if Dad

I thought I had seen something about the CO saying they just couldn't sign the kids up on her time, not that they couldn't sign them up at all. If they're signed up every 2nd week (or whatever the schedule is), then they're not "signed up" on her time.

I also thought I saw something about the CO changing soon because the first lawyer fudged up,..but seems both those things are gone from this post...?

ETA: FOUND IT!

Hell, have the coach send an email with the practice dates for his time only... then he can take that to court and show the kids are NOT signed up on HER TIME.

It's ridiculous - if Dad wants to take the kids to the park where they meet up with a bunch of friends to play ball, mom doesn't have sh1t to say about it.

Really... what's the judge gonna do.... Well Mr Dad, your kids can't play ball on your time because BM says so... even if she doesn't have to sacrifice her time or money... she said no so there.

I'd do it anyway. The judge and BM can get bent together.

They WANT the CO to change,

They WANT the CO to change, but it hasn't happened yet. And the kids DO have practice on her days, they are just not expecting her to take them. It is not an activity only on his time, I agree that shouldn't bother her if it was.

The bottom line is, they are supposed to agree on activities that fall on both of their time (this one does) but DH and SM think they are the only ones who care about the kids, so they set them up anyway and just tell her she doesn't have to take them. But if she doesn't agree, then they shouldn't go around the CO.

I hear that BM is difficult, I agree. But I believe they are giving the kids the message that BM is the "bad" parent and they are the "good" ones.

We are not giving the kids

We are not giving the kids that message. Again the kids know both parents times is important and we choose how to spend it the way each parent wants to. The kids are old enough to know this. One kid will age out of cheerleading next year. We want her to enjoy her time with her friends before aging out. Again NO ONE IS FORCING MOM TO TAKE THEM!!!! We dont allow any negative talk in the house about BM so mom is not made out to be bad parent at all. If anything mom's has been covered on alot on crap because I believe kids needs to learn on their own that it is not our job to prove anything. It's sad that anytime we have a special vacation or something that comes up the kids say " I hope mom says yes" want to know why because mom has litearlly stopped family vacations just because she wants to. The girls seen that for themself. Thats why we makes things fair all the way around period. so no one is having to feel like bad cop.

Mom does have final say yes.

Mom does have final say yes. ( these are temp papers and we are in the process of court still. Our first lawyer did screw up. Our new lawyer even said yes its a violation in a way but also she doesnt see how someone can show fault in what we are doing)

However it is also listed that neither parent can sign up the children for something on the other parents days. That is why we made sure when we signed the kids up that it was not expected that they must attend each time. We explained our situation and the league was very understanding and had a few families that do the same thing we do. We have made it very clear to mom that she is not obligated to bring them and they her time is just as respected as ours is. The girls have also been told they can not expect mom to bring them on her time. We explained that time with mom and dad can be spent differently and still be special in its own way. The girls still wanted to play even if it was only on our days with the understanding they would only be playing half the time. We pay for everything. When mom mentioned about playing in her area and others she suggested we explained the difficutlies and reasons it would be hard but we were also wiling to share days as far as they play in our area on our days and in her area on her days. This way neither family is struggling to attend etc. It works for everyone.

Lawyers say lots of things.

Lawyers say lots of things. Don't assume you will walk out of there with anything different. If I had a nickel for every time a lawyer told DH that BM was wrong and he'd get what he wanted in court, I'd be rich.

As for now, if BM says no, you guys should not keep trying to set things up that fall on her time. Telling them "The girls have also been told they can not expect mom to bring them on her time" is setting Mom up to be the bad guy.

I know you will not agree with any of this, and will keep on violating the CO because you think it's "right". So I will just let it go.

It's all about the wording...

It's all about the wording... and honestly the way it's worded here, I'd be tempted to pull the comma argument...

technically, it's written as though it's the signing up of activities that can't be done on the other parent's time, rather than the activity itself... so... it's all up to the legal wording of the agreement.

Also, if I really want to be pedantic, I'd say that it's pertty redundant to have a comment about how NEITHER parent can do it to the other, while she has final say... I mean... if she has final say, wouldn't it just say that dad needs mom's permission to sign up on activities that include practice on her scheduled time?

I'd just take them and that's that. Let mom argue her points as to why they can't play ball on his time... it's not SM and dad making her look like a witch, because realistically, her reasons for wanting to dissallow them from going are shallow, selfish, petty, and those reasons are the things that make her look bad, not SM and dad.

The only one that's going to come out looking like they did anything wrong is BM for trying to stop something that doesn't affect her in any way, just because she CAN.

Then what... she can say... Ha ha DAD, I took something away from you because I am THE MOM! Our girls are destroyed over it... but HEY... I WIN!

When these BM's do this stuff

When these BM's do this stuff to the fathers, we all get up in arms. This falls on her days too, that's the bottom line.

Because the BM's in question

Because the BM's in question try to force the father to take the kids to the activities that fall on his day and call him a POS that doesn't love his kids if he doesn't................... Not the case here. Not even CLOSE.

I dont agree

It seems to me that they are encouraging the kids to tell the mom they want to go. OP seems to think this is a win win, that the mom should want them to go. Nope, does not work that way.

I didn't get that impression.

I didn't get that impression...at all. I think they just want to be able to do what they want on THEIR time without it affecting the mom's time. Seems to me mom doesn't agree with it because her not doing it too makes her look bad.

I think it's the exact same as "well dad lets me have this / do this / eat this / watch this / play this / at HIS house...."

The girls have also been told they can not expect mom to bring them on her time. We explained that time with mom and dad can be spent differently and still be special in its own way. The girls still wanted to play even if it was only on our days with the understanding they would only be playing half the time.

We do not encourage the kids

We do not encourage the kids to tell their mom they want to go. The kids came to us and asked to go. Mom is the one who suggested to go in her area and all we suggested was we play in our area on our days and they play in her area on her days. We have given mom the chance to sign them up before and was told she would then never did. The kids dont even ask her to go. They are afraid of their mom so please do not assume.

You can say the same thing

You can say the same thing without those words. "Don't expect your mom to take you," is the same thing, but more passive.

I think they did... that each

I think they did... that each parent has their own time and special things... maybe what they ACTUALLY said was:

You need to understand that this works for us when you're with us, but won't work for your mom so I need to make sure you understand that your mom is not going to be taking you to these

Or... sweetie, we know you love ball; you need to expect that your mom won't be able to take you... doesn't mean she doesn't love you... of course she does... it's just that your mom might have special things for you girls to do when you're with her, just like we have special things we do when you're with me!

we say the same thing about

we say the same thing about my husband ... it works both ways for both parents... they cant expect the same thing at both houses.

I think there's just a lot of

I think there's just a lot of jadedness about how things can turn out.

not every SM is out to piss off the BM....

not every BM is out to sabotage the SM's marriage...

even if that's the primary common link on this site... some people are reasonable, fair, try to make things work... and they can't because the "parent" is a dumbass.

I feel for you, OP.

I'd just take them, and that's that. Her problem is that it's in your AREA... well she can take them to HER AREA on her days.

If she doesn't want them to play in your area on your days because she doesn't want to go to her area on her days...

oh well.

Good luck. I'm not the type of person that would have a problem with my ex doing something on his days with the kids that affect me in no way... I'm also not the type that would accept my kids being pissy with me because I refused to do the same... not the type to wipe my kids' arse and cater to their fluffy tears by forcing my demands onto another household or caretaker... but, you know, not everyone is reasonable.

Thank you. I am the same way.

Thank you. I am the same way. If it works for my ex and it's not messing up anything with our schedule then I have no issues with it. I defiently wouldn't be throwing down if he was paying for everything and I hadn't helped or offered to pay for any of it. Heck if my ex paid for it all I would be thankful and said sure no problem have fun .. but we share the expense and are civil too. I do not try to take moms place at all.. trust me ... I just get to be that extra fun person they get to hang out with. I am just exahusted with all the battles. She is very high conflict and it can be seriously draining on a family. In reality we are just trying to make sure its fair all the way around .. We are doing our best.

We do that too.

Also, if the kids want to do something, we make it work as much as we can, because for us, it's for the kids... if he can't afford it and I can, I will pay for it and he compensates by doing all the driving or something... or he will take them off my hands for an extra week during the summer... Something.

We're both reasonable people, probably why we rarely had an argument about something like that.

I pay for my SS to take karate lessons. He can go *up to* 5 sessions each week... he only goes to 3, all 3 of which are on our time. BM is aware he's in karate... she's NOT aware of when he goes, nor that she could take him on her time if she wanted to... and it's none of her business.

I don't need her fkn permission to gift ss with some karate lessons, nor does DH need her permission to take SS to those lessons, when ss is with DH.

It's all about how the KIDS respond and react... if the children haven't been ass-kissed since birth and taught to get everything they demand, they will cope just fine with being able to only go to half the practices, since they'll have been taught that not everything always works out the way you want to and they're lucky to even get them half the time instead of taught to be entitled etc....

I don't take BM's place... but I am definitely the mom in my home, and both DH and SS are quite clear on the fact that if I tell ss to do something, I have the same expectation that he will do it as I do for my own kids - we are a family living in one household, and nobody in the family is exempt from family responsibilities during the time they're in the home.

I know some people are saying

I know some people are saying this is setting BM up to be the “bad” guy for saying no but I just want to say that if the kids are actually doing something or BM has an actual reason to not let them participate on “her” time then there won’t be resentment. They might throw a tantrum and have to get over it (BM will have to step up and parent them and tell them “Welcome to the World FULL of split households where experiences gets missed”) but kids usually only hold resentment when a parent tells them they can’t do a sport then they wind up sitting at home doing nothing while they could be playing.

You are here

Question regarding sports

Comments