Has anyone Dealt with Stepkid lying about other Bio parent?
DH has been in and out of family court for the last 8 years(no joke). All BM’s doing as she has nothing better to do. This has cost us thousands and Unbelievable stress. Both DH and BM hate each other so much they refuse to co-parent and have VERY little Communication(email only) with each other. SS who is in 6 grade knows they hate each other.
Couple of years ago SS has started telling Outlandish lies about BM and it’s getting worse. Just recently SS got into a fight at school and told us it was because some kid called BM fat and SS laughed in his face and yes I know. When we spoke to the school they said the fight was over a girl and had nothing to do with BM. SS will say BM broke his toys, refused to feed him Or other off the wall things. SS will say he hates BM but I know that’s not true as I’ve seen him with her. SS also know DH does not like his Pediatrician(long story) so SS will tell DH the pediatrician called DH a jackass. Well we know no dr would do this. It seems like the more DH dislikes someone the more SS will lie about them.
Now we know SS is NOT telling BM lies about us as we would hear about from BM or DH would be getting Court summons in the mail. BM has a history of sending our LONG nasty emails whenever something happens at our house she does not like. If SS was telling her Ridiculous lies about us she would not keep it to herself.
Has anyone had Experience with this or have any idea why he’s doing it?
I'ts pretty obvious.
SS is at the age where he is identifying/modeling his father. Your DH is consciously/unconsciously teaching him about being a "man." You've said that DH hates BM, therefore, in a subliminal way SS has to show he "hates" BM too. Thus, he lies and says bad things about her. Same thing about the doctor.
IMO your DH should be watching both his verbal and non-verbal (making faces, etc.) when talking about or to BM. He needs to be very neutral. This is important because your SS may grow up to "hate" women because of what he's learning from his father. Nip it in the bud now.
SS tried this crap just the
SS tried this crap just the other day. DH shut that down and told him he better clarify with BM what the truth was right away. I explained to DH how this could legally come back to us if it was brought up in court and they believed it to be true and I am DONE with SS making up false accusations. (he once said I physically hit him then once confronted said I pointed my finger at his face. I moved out the next day for my own legal safety).
Yes, attention seeking!
Yes, attention seeking!
We actually initiated a court hearing after believing the lies and guess what...SS recanted.
After that BM and SS became bestest buddies. And I am the horrible stepmom. Yuck!
Now when I hear SS complain about BM I laugh and walk away.
BM gives SS medication to sleep( dr ordered)
We Choose not to give it to him as he sleeps fine at our house. SS told us he’s been throwing out the sleep medicine when BM gives it to him and not taking it as he does not need it at her house either. SS says BM wants him to take it so she can drink with BF and not be bothered by him(another lie). We told SS we were going to tell the DR what SS has been doing and he does not need the medicine to sleep so we would not be paying for Medicine that SS was just throwing out. Well SS flipped out and said he did not want BM or the DR to know. The reason I’m sure is SS is lying about throwing the medicine out at BM’s house and he is still taking it and does not want BM or DH or both to know that he’s been lying about it.
Ignore it. Don't bring any
Ignore it. Don't bring any attention to it at all.
For instance, SS lies about BM. Your response is 'um hum' and walk away.
The more attention the lies get the more it will be used. Eventually it will just stop.
Yes. We have and are still
Yes. We have and are still dealing with this to some degree. He's manipulating you and your DH and most probably BM too. What probably happened was either your DH or you or both clued SS in on your anger towards BM and excused the child's behaivor by blaming BM. He picked up on it and ran with it. He knows now that if he just throws BM's name in the mix you/your DH will be so focused on her involvement that it will minimize what he did thus getting him out of any real trouble. Also a sympathetic ear for a poor woe begotten child will only increase the stories. Believe it when I tell you he is doing the same exact thing with BM about y'all because he knows his mom and dad will never communicate enough to figure out he is manipulating all the parents in this scenario.
How we're fixing this: confronting him, calling him out even if it is just a little white lie about BM. He would come home talking about how terrible it is over there and I started calling him out on it and saying "well then why did you cry when BM told you it was time to come back home?" or he would say "Fiance3 hit me in the face" and I would say "I bet y'all were playing" also we have started placing blame back on SS when tries to blame bm for something. SS had a game on Monday and did terrible. He tried to say it was BM's fault because she didn't remind him to practice last weekend...my response was "no SS it was YOUR fault. You know if you want to get better at something you need to practice. You knew your game was on Monday. BM doesn't care if you suck or not because she loves you anyway, YOU CARE so YOU need to get out there and practice to get better. When SS says he wants to live with us and doesn't want to go see BMs. on the weekends, we tell him we know that's is not the truth because BM told us he said the same things to her. Tell him to stop telling people what they want to hear because it's just like lieing.
The biggest issue I see with kids today is making excuses for their own actions and placing responsibility on someone else. We are trying to fix it in our household. Good luck and if you figure out anything that helps let me know!
Welcome to Steptalk. I saw
Welcome to Steptalk. I saw you joined us about 2 hours ago.
whats this about Sleep Medication your ss is given by his mom? Is it doctor perscribed? What other med's is he on.
Poor boy.
Ya it is surprising to hear a
Ya it is surprising to hear a CHILD on sleep meds. That is VERY RARE. Usually doctors will say they need to burn more energy, eat healthier or perhaps earlier (sometimes late dinner can keep you up), stuff like that. I am not doubting the doctor perscribed it properly it is still surprising. It does make me think BM just wants him asleep and out of her hair. There are plenty of doctors out there who just give what patients ask for to a good extent.
Thank you for the welcome!
SS is on no other meds. The Medicine he takes at night is Benadryl which is over the counter but the doctor suggested we try that for his sleep issues since BM was Complaining she could not get him up in the morning for school at his last Physical and he is tired all the time.
We were fortunate. SS did
We were fortunate. SS did not badmouth his SpermClan when he returned from SpermLand visitation. He pretty much would not talk about his visit. At least for a week or two.
By week three following a visitation it would start to come out. Not badmouthing but things that were upsetting to him. The SpermIdiot smoking pot, SpermGrandHag parking up the street sending SS and his younger sibs into the backyard of their rental house that the SpermIdiot lives in rent free to catch the SpermIdiot and his live in of the moment sneaking out the window when SpermGrandHag would ring the door bell, the two youngest SpermIdiot spawn getting arrested for gun violations in their early teens as they progressed down their idiot sperm donors gang banger wannabe path... far more successfully than the SpermIdiot ever managed......
It took time but it came out.
As he grew up he became much more inclined to engage in conversation on things in his life that were bothering him. He is a good hearted man who would much prefer for people, including his SpermClan, to be honest and good rather than manipulative and toxic.
He heard the "common denominator" speech and the "tell the truth and not what you think people want to hear" speech so frequently as he was growing up and navigating his decisioning processes that he has a highly developed ability to identify the consequences of poor decisions and home in on the specifics of the decisions that delivered the poor result and a very sensitive bullshit detector.
His Paternal clan with the exception of his sister (SpermIdiot spawn #2) has little to do with him because he makes no secret of his disdain for their continuing multigenerational history of poor decisions, lack of character and toxic manipulative bullshit. Even with his sister he is regularly heartbroken by her choices. But she owns them rather than being the eternal victim like the rest of them.
I wish he had been lying about the crap they pulled over the years. Rather than having to suffer through their bullshit.
"He heard the "common
"He heard the "common denominator" speech and the "tell the truth and not what you think people want to hear" speech so frequently as he was growing up and navigating his decisioning processes that he has a highly developed ability to identify the consequences of poor decisions and home in on the specifics of the decisions that delivered the poor result and a very sensitive bullshit detector. "
Bravo. This is what is missing in so many of these parenting scenarios. My kids were raised the same way, and are now functional adults. DH never had a conversation with Killjoy15 about her attitude and behavior and now it is too late, as it is with many of these skids. BM is only partily at fault for Killjoy's victim attitude.