Still don’t feel like part of the family
This is my first time posting. I’ve read some other posts here and I can relate to what I’ve read so far. I’m a stepfather, 50 and I’ve been married for 10 years now and I still don’t feel like I’m part of the family. More on that in a couple sentences. I’ve always wanted children of my own but my wife was 42 when we married and we tried having kids (went to a fertility clinic) but she was not able to. She had two daughters (5&13) and one son (14) when we met. We went through the honeymoon phase for a couple years and I did what I could to bond with each child (went to soccer games, music recitals, played games, tried to talk to each one). Unfortunately, it’s been 10 years and the children are still uncomfortable talking with me or being alone in the car with me while my wife runs in the store for a 10 minute errand. They are faithful to say hi to their mother when they get home but largely ignore me and on family vacations they chat amongst themselves and their mom but don’t really talk with me. I feel like I am a stranger on their vacation. Anyway, I still try to engage each child in conversation but if we are alone in the living room each child will quickly leave after my initiating conversation or if I enter the living room to watch TV. I’ve discussed this issue with with my wife multiple times over the years to ask what is wrong with me that the kids aren’t comfortable with me, especially after tens years. My wife tells me “they probably sense that you want something from them”. I tell her that I do. I want to have a relationship with them. I must admit I’ve had desires for divorce many times over the years because I’ve always wanted to feel like a father but I don’t feel included in the family. I still want my own children or to adopt. I just feel this huge hole in my life because I’ve always wanted to be called dad instead of by my first name. The closest I came is when I became a foster father and my wife and I raised an 11 month old child for two years. It was the greatest thing ever having that child be happy to see me and teaching him to walk and watch him develop but shortly after this the birth mother was given custody and moved away. I guess I don’t know why the kids aren’t comfortable around me. I’ve asked my wife to go to counseling with the kids but she is hesitant to do this because she doesn’t want the kids to feel like I am putting them on the spot to identify the problem. I’ve been unhappy for so long that now I constantly think of divorce but now I think I’m too old to start over and have kids. Anyway, I just wanted to ask if anyone has had a similar experience. I’ve asked other people about this and they tell me to hang in there and it will get better. Any advice would be great.
I did not need to
I did not need to read this post this morning. Ugh. I am in your same spot after exactly the same amount of time so I am not going to be able to give you any words of encouragement. If after 10 years people are still unable to have even a slight conversation with you and their parent is unwilling to have a direct conversation about what the problem is then nothing is going to change. Things have improved for me somewhat with my SS now that he is older but it is still very awkward and my SD remains as openly hostile toward me as the day she learned of my presence on the earth. And I am STILL given the advice to "wait for them to come around" by well-meaning idiots who have no experience with steplife and have no idea what it is like to to be the perpetual outsider.
I also am childless - not by choice but by biology - and in my early 50's. I gave up on adoption because it would have upset the skids too much and there was still hope that they would "come around." I was a fool but now it is too late. I don't know what the answer is. Find someone who has a family who would actually accept me? I really am a nice person with a lot to contribute! Or maybe find a childless man that I click with and enjoying the nice things that come with no kids and freedom? I don't know the answer. But what I do know is that last night I watched my DH melt into a puddle over his little grandchild while I was just pushed to the side and I realized that I am just never going to have a real connection with these people no matter how much I want it, how much time passes, or how hard I try. The hurt and regret is searing. Unfortunately the fault is entirely mine and I can't blame anyone but myself. I saw what was happening years ago and I made the choice to stay and keep trying so that is on me.
I wish you the best. We all have to make our decisions and live with them. And we are never going to know if they were the right ones. Not even on our death beds. All we can do is put one foot in front of the other and do what we think is best at the time. Good luck to you!!!
Thank you for your reply.
Hi Susanm,
Thank you for replying to my post. I am so sorry that you are having to go through the same horrible feelings that I have been experiencing. It’s the worst thing ever to feel like an outsider, especially when you can’t have your own children. I really appreciate you expressing your own pain in being a step parent because I used to feel that my situation was unique as far as my stepkids not being able to bond with me in addition to not having kids of my own. I wish I had some really great advice I could give you. It’s hard to hear that your stepdaughter is still openly hostile towards you after 10 years! I guess at least you are closer to your stepson. Have you tried going to family therapy? I tried this and it helped somewhat but I think therapy is something that I have to do continually with the kids to make any difference. I have tried to put myself in my stepkids shoes and I know I would have feelings if loyalty to my father and I would have feelings of discomfort if my mom would have married someone else. I was warned about being a stepfather but I was arrogant and thought I would be different, mostly because I have always had such a good experience with relating to children so I thought I would be a natural. I was wrong. Like you said, I chose to stay hoping things would get better because people fold me that as kids matured you have a better relationship with them.
I feel sympathy for your
I feel sympathy for your situation... but unfortunately, I don't think it is necessarily expected that your wife's kids are going to develop a "bond" with you. Their mother picked you as a partner.. but they already had a dad. Perhaps they sensed you trying too hard.. perhaps their father made them feel guilty or told them to not like you.. Perhaps it is just their own loyalty to their father that kept them from having a relationship with you. Two of them were pretty far along in age and I am assuming the younger child just went along with the siblings in modeling their behavior.
So, I think it's probably a good thing to accept that while these kids are your wife's children.. they don't view you as a parental figure. However, they should treat you respectfully and be on good behavior. at this point, two of them are out of the home.. and one will only be there for a few more years...
Now, on to the other part of the issue. You have a strong desire to parent/influencce kids. You can try to go the foster parent route again.. you can pursue adoption... you can volunteer in a big brother type of program... all would help kids that desperately need adult guidance and love in their lives.
I don't think you are wrong to have feelings wanting to have those connections.. I just don't see it happening with your wife's kids.
Good Advice!
Hi ESMOD,
Thank you for this reply. Youre probably right about the youngest modeling the oldest behavior. It’s difficult because I do feel a sense that the kids don’t have to love me but I do want them to at least say hello and goodbye to me out of general politeness. Their mother was slow to correct them about this because she said she didn’t want to make them feel bad. She has guilt over their father dying so young. The situation with the kids is tough because their father passed away 3 years before I met my wife. When first met my wife, the kids were so nice to me and I had so much hope but as my wife lived in another state and moved to my state to be with me things changed and her oldest son hated the move so he decided to move back home and finish high school. I can’t blame him for that. Life with the youngest stepdaughter was fun for a few years but as soon as she turned 11 things dramatically changed and I was suddenly persona non grata. I guess maybe that’s just normal teen development but the issue with basic politeness has always been a problem as the mother is one who the kids say goodbye and hello to. I am definitely going to be a foster father again as it was really rewarding. The oldest son is back living with us and at 24 he doesn’t know what he wants out of life so there is tension between my wife and I about that as I don’t want her to baby him but that has been her pattern. He is also occupying the one room that the foster child would use. I’m skidish about adoption because of my thoughts of divorce and the situation with her kids continuing to deteriorate. I hate feeling like a giant wallet with little connection to the kids but as you said maybe the connection I want with my step kids is unrealistic.
In the back of my mind I
In the back of my mind I always knew BM would come first and I would just be the "walking checkbook". It really hit home when we went to court for the first time regarding the sale of the mutually owned home belonging to DH and BM....and BM chose to pull SS (then 10 y/o) out of school for the day and BRING HIM WITH to the courthouse for sympathy. I offered to stay outside the courtroom with him (DH was a mess) and reached out a hand to him....he started to walk towards me...then BM said something to him in Spanish and he immediately turned away and took her hand as she drug him inside. I don't know why I expected a different outcome. It was a visitation day after court, when DH asked SS why he wasn't in school he told him BM told him to go with her for "support". It's hard when you know you aren't going to always mean anything to skids, but there is still that little glimmer of hope...especially if you dont' have bio kids of your own. At this point I am just lucky that SS isn't rude to me. Very hard pill to swallow.
I can relate!
Hi and thank you for writing me. Boy! Can I relate to feeling like a walking checkbook and feeling like I don’t mean much to the kids. It’s so hard hearing about your situation as well. It’s pretty messed up that BM pulled out her son from school to get sympathy from the court. It also stinks when you feel like you aren’t a priority to the skids especially after all you are doing for them. Offering to stay with the SS while they were in court was the right thing to do. I wish the BM would have taken you up on your offer because I’m imagining bringing a child into a courtroom is probably very traumatic for them because they don’t know what is going on. Do you and your wife have a good relationship? Do you plan on having kids together? I wish I could have at least had kids with my wife so I could know the feeling of your child truly loving me. (I know there are times when your kid says they hate you too, but at least you know you matter to them). I also know what you mean by that little glimmer of hope that things are going to work out with your skids and you will mean something to them. I still have that same glimmer of hope. I feel like my skids are ambivalent about me. If I was there they’d be ok with it and if I wasn’t they be ok with it. I can tell they say hi to me because their mother told them to. I admit I’ve kind of given up on having the deeper relationship that I was hoping for with them so I’m not very warm with them either when they say hello to me. They aren’t mean to me. They’re just not genuinely glad I am there. Their mother is their whole world and I wished they loved me like they love her. It is a very bitter pill to take, as you say.
You are NOT too old to start
You are NOT too old to start over. Biology is on your side.
My husband is 13 years older than I am. He can still have kids - I probably can't.
But before we get to following your dream and making your life into what you want it to be... Does your wife know divorce has entered your mind? If she knows how miserable you are, maybe she will try harder to find a solution with you. If she doesn't, you can cut the cord sooner and get on your way to making that life you want. If she is willing to try, that's a good sign, but if the kids aren't on board after 10 years, I doubt there's much hope.
That would leave adoption for you to be a father. Is she willing to consider adopting a kid? If not, again, you can cut loose sooner and get on finding a relationship that will make you a father. There are so many women out there desperate to have kids with someone like you. Why not give yourself a chance to find one?
You and your wife and her kids just all want something different than you do. There's nothing wrong with that. Go find a like-minded woman.
Thank you for some hope!
Hi Marblefawn,
Thank you for replying to my post. I’m guessing my wife knows I’ve considered divorce after all the times I’ve told her about my feelings but I haven’t used the word divorce. My wife doesn’t believe in divorce. My latest thought is to get marriage therapy with her so I can explain my feelings of divorce (and why) in a safe setting. I don’t want divorce, I just don’t want to live in a house where I am constantly ignored, especially when I at least want some general politeness. I just feel devalued and rejected and that’s not a healthy environment for me, especially as I have low self esteem already which is something I’ve tried to work on but have not been successful. My wife is very complimentary to me but sometimes I think it’s manipulation to stay with her because she knows how unhappy I am. Maybe I’m wrong. She’s always been a nice person as long as we’ve been married but my therapist says since she and I don’t fight that we really aren’t being honest with each other about our feelings. I think my therapist is definitely right. My wife avoids conflict as that’s how she said she was raised. She tries to work with me and the kids a little but only just enough for things to be good for a few days and then it’s back to normal until I express my feelings again. She said she would adopt a child with me but admits that she is not excited about raising another child. She said she would do it because I want it. Regarding divorce, i guess I figured being 50 years old no woman in her 30s is going to want to be with someone that old, ya know? I’m sure my low self esteem is affecting my thoughts (especially after seeing my hair turning grey in places and so on...) I’m just tired of feeling angry because I believe I cheated myself out of being a father by the choices I made because of my low self esteem.
Like you said. My wife and my skids just want something different than I do.
It sounds as if you have
It sounds as if you have something to work with. You're in therapy -- that's great. She sounds willing to at least superficially try to change the dynamic. And she IS willing to adopt with you. That's a lot because people expect different things from a woman with a child than a man with a child, so even if you're adopting for her, it puts a lot of pressure on her.
My husband would rather die than address even mild conflict, so I know what you're dealing with. I agree -- healthy couples fight and hash it out so there's some resolution and you can move onto the next problem. When I have an issue and begin talking about it, I can actually see my husband physically shrink and become silent. His fear of fighting drives me nuts because nothing changes if you just avoid an issue.
It sounds as if you should probably work on that with her. Definitely go to therapy WITH her. We went and while it didn't fix everything, we changed enough to make staying in the marriage bearable for me. It doesn't have to be perfect a perfect marriage all the time -- on bad days, it just has to be bearable, right? If she's avoiding conflict, you might find out in therapy that she's holding in a lot too. If you can open that vault, maybe you can get on better footing, feel closer to her and get a family environment where adopting a new child is something you all want and face as the adventure it should be.
I understand the feeling you get seeing that gray creep into your hair and those extra pounds sneaking on. But if you end up divorcing, remember there are many people who found themselves right where you are. They are looking to start over and get it right the second time around. I was 41 when I married; my husband was 54. I was a swinging single having a ball out there; my husband was devastated from his first marriage that had ended years earlier. We clicked. I think this has been the marriage he wanted the first time (for the most part!) There are plenty of women who married schmucks the first time and they are looking for a prince charming the second time. And many would still love to have children, but they need the right father for their kids.
You have plenty of time. Try to pull out of your funk, tackle this issue with your wife like your life depends on it -- make it your 2019 task to be completed. If you can't make it work, don't linger. Get out sooner than later and start over. You deserve happiness.
Thank you for this advice!
Hi Marblefawn,
Thank you for this advice, I will take it and make it my 2019 task to deal with and have therapy with my wife and skids. This makes tremendous sense. If at the end of 2019 things remain the same and then I can have peace knowing I tried and did everything I could and pursue the family life that I deeply desire. It amazing how we can communicate with people on this forum on such a meaningful level and yet have such difficulty communicating with the family we see everyday.
It is hurtful to be there
It is hurtful to be the spare tire in your own home and life, and it is uncalled for-- regardless of the number of kids involved or why it happened..... But, you are hardly alone. Many of us here have a spouse who for whatever unidentifable reason(s) cannot or will not try to make the brats act civil or even reasonable. It is ridiculous. And, in my case I do have kids and they treat him wonderfully; like family. However, his brats are a different story; they are simply jealous we are around/alive and have been consistently that way over ten years. Like you, many of us were supportive of this sick dynamic for years until we could not stomach it any longer.
Everybody's situation is different and I think you know when you are through taking what I believe to be abusive behavior-long term. You will reach a point in your life, when you will not be willing to try any longer (or take it any longer from any of them). It is a great place to arrive at, as the alternative for you/us is simply a waste of time, money and emotion and we have no back up support in our spouses--whom are scared of their children, most likely. I've never seen anything like it, that is why I am not going to ever be around this sick mess if I can help it--ever.
I know you can have an awesome spouse in every other way, but one that fails you miserably when they have selfish, jealous kids whom they are scared to correct. I accepted I would never change this dynamic and, as a poster told me years ago when I joined this site.....you will have to protect yourself--he (in your case),she is not going to do it for you.
Do what you have to do to be happy; you matter too!
I wish you th best....
not to say it can't happen, but if you & your wife have allowed the children to not even say hello and goodbye, (common courtesy) when you share a home, you have a very difficult path ahead.
I would be willing to bet your SK are nicer to their friends parents.
Why have you allowed the SK to be disrespectful to you for so long?
Your wife should be ashamed of herself allowing her children to treat you this way, I would be hurt too.
Some people have no manners and I'm sorry you have lived through such hurtful behavior. You should never feel less than in your own home.
Hopefully therapy will help your marriage, if you continue to be treated badly in your own home, I hope you find peace and do what needs to be done for your own sanity and happiness.
Just Joined, Are the People on this Thread Still Alive?
Because I'm going through a similar thing, have been for a while, and letting go of the pipedream--or even that they will be civil or do one chore--has been very liberating. Look at me go!
Welcome.
Try posting a fresh topic in a forum. This one is more than 3yrs old.