Update on SS Leaving Today
This morning my SS25 raised holy hell with his father. “You’re really doing this? You’ve known me your whole life and you’re choosing her over me? You want to be invited to the birthday party don’t you (for one of his kids)?” He was throwing everything at his dad. He was so loud I’m came out and before you know it he and I exchanged words. It got ugly until I slammed the door in his face. He’s gone but didn’t take any of his stuff at the time. He just came back and picked up his stuff. I didn’t want him in here and my DH told me to stay in the room. He got his stuff and left without incident. It’s been a really stressful day. My DH is upset saying he did this for me. He’s expressed how devastating this is for him. I feel like he’s taking out his son not being here on me. I don’t care to have any relationship with his son. He disrespected me, cursed at me and acted as though he wanted to hit me. Aside from him picking up his stuff, he’s not welcome in our home. I told DH that and he said nothing. He behaved just like a spoiled manipulative child and when he didn’t get his way verbally attacked his father and then me. I knew he never respected me and viewed our place as his dad’s. Personally I’m happy he’s not here. He showed his true colors and I refuse to put up with that blatant disrespect. I have no desire to be any part of his life and won’t.
Give it some time. The new
Give it some time. The new found peace will be odd at first but as long as the two of you can keep from fighting, it will be noticeable.
It really sucks to finally parent when the kid is an adult. SMh.....so many men do this. Glad you have your home back.
I'm sorry you had to go
I'm sorry you had to go through that. It shows that the SS never really thought he'd have to leave. Good riddance to him. I hope your DH is smart and strong enough to realize he made the right move and to not sulk or backtrack.
What a man-child your SS is.
What a man-child your SS is. I have to say if my SS had ever had the nerve to stand and verbally fight with me(let alone act like he would hit me) his father would have put him on his a*s.
I don't really view this as your DH choosing you over his son, so to say. The big baby is 25yrs old. His father did help him out for a short time. The SS didn't appreciate it, in fact acted as if it were his due right.
I'm glad the SS is out. Yes, I imagine SS will be pretty hard on his father for some time (the not including in grandchild's birthday, for example). But at 25yrs old, you do not owe this SS a roof over his head. You nor Dh owe him nothing. SS should have been working two or three jobs in his time given him in your home so he could have afforded to move into an apartment or even a boarding house and when he wasn't working he should have been knocking himself out being full of helpfulness around your home and showing his gratitude towards what you were doing for him.
I agree. Part of it was my DH
I agree. Part of it was my DH didn’t want him doing a lot. It was a massive mistake having him move in. That’s one mistake I won’t make again.
Jesus that is pathetic.
Jesus that is pathetic. And this guy actually managed to produce 2 children of his own? Has he asked for paternity tests? Because I question whether he actually has reached maturity to the point where his body actually produces sperm. LOL
Dealing with DH
Good for you! You stood your ground and made sure SS finally got out, but be prepared. When your DH said he did this for you, it should be noted that he probably did it more for himself like my DH did over 8 years ago. Comfort rules for these conflict avoidant DHs.
I told DH that SD was not allowed in the home I owned until he could tell her in front of me that she was to respect me as his wife. He is yet to tell her but it was actually a good thing he didn't. The more I'm away from SD the better. I'm sure you don't care if your DH visits his son but your home is your sanctuary, not a semi-permanent residence for SS. Your SS will punish DH like my SD did but eventually everything will settle down in time. One piece of advice: Don't have any more conversations about SS. If DH brings up the subject of his son, change the subject or walk away. This will let DH know this is a boundary which is not to be crossed and you mean it. Good luck!
I let DH know that whenever
I let DH know that whenever he’s back on good terms with SS, he needs to tell him to respect me. He doesn’t have to like me but I’m married to his father. He needed a swift kick up his ass long before I came in the picture.
They are both pathetic.
They are both pathetic.
Your husband needs to ask himself why this is so devastating for him. His son is a grown man, with kids of his own. He needs to be providing a home for his family, not mooching off of you.
He did this for you? Does he really enjoy a 25 year old man camping out in his living room, smoking weed, and laying about?
He needs to take a good look at who is son really is. Besides being a user, he's using his kids to emotionally manipulate his dad. Nice.
Your husband should be apologizing to you that his loser son didn't get out sooner, not be mad at you for finally putting your foot down. He should have been out long ago.
He should be embarrassed, they both should be. Not to mention, thanking you for putting up with the jerk for this long.
Yeah, I’m not sure my
Yeah, I’m not sure my marriage would survive this.
DH kept saying he felt sorry
DH kept saying he felt sorry for his son. Like he’s a 4 yr old child that fell and scarred his knee. His son was babied by both parents and the only way to try and unspoiled him is tough love. My DH doesn’t feel that way.
I wouldn't even let him back
I wouldn't even let him back in to pick his crap up. Tell your dh to bring it to HIM. What all was said when you guys had words? I would've told him, "poor wittul baybee, tantruming cuz him has to buy his own milk instead of sucking dada's tit."
I went out there thinking I
I went out there thinking I could defuse the situation (silly me). SS son immediately said “I’m not my father” which I took to mean he thinks his dad is a pushover. I told him he was unappreciative especially when we let him stay with us 2 months rent free. I told him I did more for him than my own daughter (in terms of paying rent for a month at our old place) and this bastard says “Well you must have been a shitty ass mother.” My DH was standing in between us and his son was moving like he was ready to hit me. I told him to get the F out and slammed the door while he was still talking. Not my best moment but it stemmed from taking care of a freeloader for 3 months. I’m still pissed off from that exchange. I don’t think my marriage will ever be the same. At the same time I’m not sure I want to stay married to DH. We were already having problems and moving his son in didn’t help a thing.
SS deserved to be thrown out
“Well you must have been a shitty ass mother.” And what did your DH do when SS said that? Probably the same as my wimp-a$$ DH. Nothing. My marriage is hanging by a thread also because my DH refuses to support me or defend me when I am getting verbally abused. It doesn't happen often but when it does it lets you know where you are as far as their priorities in their life. It makes you wonder where their heads are! I think it is a very dark and stinky place. No one should have to put up with that B.S. from anyone. If anything, when your SS insulted you your DH should have opened the door and told SS not to come back until he could be respectful - AND appreciative of what you have done.
I want to thank you for showing me that we need to resspect ourselves and if we have DHs who don't we need to possibly let the marriage go.
Hugs
I hope you find some peace! “Bless him” as we say in the south...but goodbye! I hope you and your DH can work through this.
And
I hope you have a good support network, too.
Thanks Mountain
Thankfully I have family I’m close too and a therapist I see weekly. I have to not let his loser son’s behavior get the best of me.
Good grief, whatever happened
Good grief, whatever happened to shame? We sorely need it back in our culture.
Your SO should be ashamed for having raised such a worthless piece of excrement. He should feel embarrassed and ashamed for putting you through having to live with said p.o.s.. And he should feel shame and humiliation to have a son insult both of you.
Your SO is deep in denial. It's like a sickness with these guilty parents. Give them an inch, and they'll drag you down into their toxic soup.
Stand firm in reality, OP. Don't tolerate any rugsweeping or manipulation from your SO. If you need to talk about it, do so with friends or your therapist. Tell your SO it's a closed, painful subject that you've put behind you; that will limit his options for blaming or attempting to manipulate you. Your SO will either gravitate towards calm, peace, and rational behavior (you), or choose to stay in sick, enabler mode with his adult sloth.
You held up your part
You gave him until the 23 to get out. SS and of DH did nothing about that. DH could of looked with SS for apartments, or made plans to move out. Both sat on there rears and did nothing. The 23 came and SS had to move out.
I will think SS will start being nice saying he was wrong saying anything he can so he can move back in. He will change, pay rent clean . Your are the best person in the world. And DH May buy it. Just don’t let him move back in. If DH wants to move out with SS. Then that no big deal. Because You do not matter, and why would you want to be someone you don’t matter to
That your DH feels sorry for
That your DH feels sorry for his son is a big part of the problem. By not insisting that his son grow up and take care of his own life, your DH has enabled the bad behavior. Your DH is in deep denial, he’s sure that he is being a good dad by “helping” his son, but in fact he is harming his son.
Something had to change so that the son has a chance at a successful life. Whether he takes the chance and does something with it is up to him.
You have more balls that either of those two men.