Need Advice: What's in a Name?
My fiancee and I have been together for a few years now, and when we first got together she already had a 2 year old daughter. Her daughters bio father chose drugs over them and has not been involved at all since she was a year old. My fiancee is now 38 weeks pregnant (with my first child), and her daughter is about to turn 5. We've finally narrowed the "name" list down to just a couple, with the final decision to be made once we get to meet our little girl. The issue I'm facing now is her daughter (who I've been raising as if she were my own) has a lot of questions about why her last name is different and she's having a hard time with the fact that her baby sister will have a different last name than her. She has her bio fathers last name, and I have no problem with legally adopting her once were married and giving her mine but she told us that she doesnt want my last name, and she wants her baby sister to have her last name. I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to talk with her about this without upsetting her. She knows who her bio father is, but doesnt have any contact with him. She DOES see her grandmother once a month (her bio fathers mother) so she hears about him, but even still, she sees me as her dad. Any help would be appreciated!!!! Thanks!
She's 5
I would probably approach it by telling her that there are lots of families where people have different last names. Does she have any friends who have last names than either of their parents or than their siblings?
All families are different - some children have two moms or two dads, some have a dad and mom and stepparents, some children have one parent. The same is true for siblings. Some children have siblings and others don't. Some have siblings with the same last name and others have siblings with different last names. I know several families where the children have the same parents and were given different last names (e.g. one child has the father's last name and the other child has the mother's last name).
Based on her age, I don't imagine she has any deep-seated issues. It could just be that she's nervous about having a new sibling, which is also fairly common among children her age, especially if she doesn't have any other siblings. You could ask her why it bothers her, but I think a better approach might be to have a conversation about how differences are okay. Those are conversations at a 5-year-old level.
Don't overthink it:
Don't overthink it:
"Kids usually have their Dad's name. You have your dad's name, Smith, and the new baby will have MY name, Jones, because I'm her dad."
Done. If she says, "I want her to have Smith as her last name," say, "She's going to be Jones, like me, but she'll still be your sister!!"
Don't talk. Tell. Tell her
Don't talk. Tell. Tell her once. Then repeat the answer if she brings it up again.
"When two adults are married the hildren they have together share the family name. When you are older if you want to share the last name of your sister we can do an adoption. But your sister's last name will be the same as mine and your mom's."
Lather, rinse, repeat.
My daughter had a hard time
My daughter had a hard time when I got re-married. I wasn't going to have the same last name as her anymore. She was 10 at the time. She wanted me to have a hyphenated last name so that I would still be "her mom". It took a little explaining to do and my daughter was older so it wasn't too bad, but your SD might be feeling like the baby won't be her sister if they don't have the same last name. Try and remind her that mommy has a different name, you have a different name, I am sure there are aunts or uncles with different names. You are all still a family.
Four year olds
Four year olds can be stubborn and even when they do understand something can decide that they simply don't like it and so it must change. Luckily they also have the attention span of a fly. I agree that she should have it explained to her very simply and factually and with no pretense at negotiation or that she has any control over it. But then you can move on and refuse to discuss the issue. It is not like you are going to introduce the baby with their full name on a regular basis. Maybe you can have her "help" by picking out something minor like whether her first stuffed animals should be safari animals or marine animals or the color of her coming home outfit. Much more "shiny" than a name.