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Withdrawing big time

Italstepmom's picture

Submitted by Italstepmom on Mon, 02/18/2019 - 5:38pm

This is my first blog..

So my partner and I both have 4 year old sons. His son has been nasty to my son from the beginning...enough so that we had to start almost completely separating them because I was feeling very protective of my own son. This behavior completely ruined a family trip we all took together about 4 months ago. Since then I haven't seen much improvement even though my partner swears hes "working with him ". I haven't been receptive to putting the kids together since because I dont feel it's fair to use my son as a Guinea pig to correct the discipline of his son. About a month ago we were celebrating his sons birthday just at home and his son was being completely nasty to my son the entire night. I had enough. My partner yelled at his son and put him in time out but it was just awful and I felt so bad for my son he was totally confused and thought he had done something wrong. 

Everytime my partner and I talk about this it ends up with me as the bad guy and he makes me feel like I'm heartless because I dont want to be around his son. I've told him I dont think its fair that I put any work into a relationship with his son if I'm not seeing any effort on my partners part to fix the situation for all of us. I feel like a prisoner in my own house when his son is here like I have to hide because I dont feel safe being with them, since time has told me I am the enemy. 

I'm feeling really lost. I'm not sure what to do or how to get passed this unless hes actually showing some results. Its hurting our relationship. I spent a long time displacing my anger at his son but now I'm realizing I'm really mad at my partner for not addressing this for so long that now I've gotten to the point that I dont feel comfortable in my own house when his son is here and I dont want to be around them at all. 

We have very difficult ex-spouses, but In my eyes my son has had the exact same struggle as his with this separation and I've put a ton of work and time into making him feel safe and to not act out at others or at least when he does to discuss it with him so he understands why. And noones helped me with all that I did it on my own even while we were together. So for me I see no excuses to letting this get so bad. Help...

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Mon, 02/18/2019 - 6:09pm

Both your boys are pretty young and lots of kids can have struggles getting along.  What, in particular, does his son do "to" your son?  Does your son "do" anything to HIM? before or in retaliation ... is there any reason why the boys naturally might have trouble getting along?

It seems that with kids that age, you need to manage the interractions to a certain extent.  They need to be monitore and when things happen.. redirected and if they can't get on together.. then they get separated.  Just like might happen with two unrelated playmates (which they are.. unrelated).  For this reason, rushing into living together is a big mistake.

Also, I know it's hard.. but if the boy isn't exhibiting behavior away from your son.. it's hard for dad to really "work" with him on behavior that never occurs otherwise.  Obviously if you son is endangered.. he shouldn't be a guinea pig but kids don't benefit from being totally insulated from adversity.. so if you and your BF are actively monitoring (as in don't leave them alone).. then you can both step in to help resolve issues..before they get too far.

 

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Mon, 02/18/2019 - 6:16pm

will reinforce to his ill bred spawn that YOUR son is the problem (when he is not).  Parenting is like gardening.   You don't just sow your seed and walk away.   It takes continual cultivating, care and constant training/pruning to direct the "plant" in the right direction.

I would run for the sake of your DS.

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Mon, 02/18/2019 - 7:27pm

all hubby has to do is not tolerate his kids shitty behaviour and lay down the law like anton of bricks firmly and mean it with repercussions and all. When ss knows he can’t get away from behaving like this and daddy will not tolerate or enable this behaviour anymore and is scared shitless of daddy, thats it he will change.

we had many issues with my ss20 although he never physically abused me and our 2 toddler kids, he emotionally abused us and hubby enabled and enforced it by acknowledging the emotional abuse and tolerating bullshit excuses

when i have kids screaming in distress requiring i carry both of them at the mere sight of him at home, thats it for me.

so sarcastic me when hubby said his son needed time to change and be a decent human being with manners, do chores at home and soend time with his half siblings and not lock himself in his room all day ignoring us, i sarcastically replied with right so he needs time to be decent from his imaginary stress syndrome despite having 4 years to do this.

when i put it like that, hubby knew he was being taken for a ride by his kid and disrespected because anytime a child disrespects his parents spouse and her kids, they disrespect their parent too... thats the thing you need hubby to see or there’s gonna be no change

they need to take it personally before they have no qualms laying down the law

sadly as many can attest to here, its often a very slow long hard process