on disengaging, semi engaging, responsibility and frustration
I keep deleting old blogs because I get antsy about someone else seeing them. My background is that I've been married for 2 years, Step mom for 2 years, we jumped into our relationship both feet and I ended up moving to a community that I don't love and being a full time stay at home step mother half the year, which is very different and weird. Sometimes I like it and sometimes I don't. I love my husband and we're both learning a lot together, we both completely changed our lives when we got married. He's a great guy and we're trying to co-parent, although I've been taking a step back lately which has been good for everyone.
2 SDs, SD11 is a very outgoing, loving kid who likes it here and accepts me as a step parent. SD 14 is a snarly angry spoiled brat who has recently decided she won't come here. The ONLY reason that I care about that is that it hurts DH a lot. My lfe has been way better since she's not here.
Last week BM asked if we could take the kids for 2 extra nights. Fine. I honestly don't care. It's me she's asking because DH is on night shifts. Then SD14 says no, she's not coming here. I couldn't care less. I lived on my own at her age. Whatever. DH is very hurt and it ruins our night alone together. BM is incapable of telling SD what to do, so she's figure dout she can do what she wants with no consequences. Again, whatever. Not my kid. I'm disengaging with her in as positive a way as I can. I dont want a hateful person in my life and I dont want to fight with her.
So SD14 is at her mothers, don't know what she's doing for hte next 2 days and don't care. DH texted and called BM many times and got no answer about what's happening with the kids.
So when the BM is totally disorganized and expects us to take the kids when she goes for "training", doesn't communicate with DH about what's happening with the kids, I'm the one home (I said I'd have SD11 here for a few days because she's not much trouble and I don't really care, I'd rather her be here than with her f-ing crazy grandparents) and BM JUST LEAVES AND DOESN'T TELL ME SHE EXPECTS ME TO PICK UP SD - what would you do?????
I sent a snippy text. I know a lot of you will say, where is DH? Why can't he do it? well, he's sleeping for his night shift tonight and I'm not willing to ruin his night and make him sick and exhausted and depressed. I love him a lot and I'm not working right now so I would never do something that feels ultimatly selfish like that.
You see where I get twisted with these situations, right? It's not SD's fault that her mom is a stupid space cadet. She's just minding her own business. I don't EVER want her to feel unloved or unwelcome here. She's a nice kid and I want her to grow up still liking us and wanting to be here, unlike her horrible sister. So of course I have to go get her, because why wouldn't I? I'm trying really hard to set boundaries but then I get confused about what is reasonable and what isn't
anyway, thanks for reading, I need to rant sometimes. I don't know if I should try to keep blogs up because I know people like to read a lil backstory about others situations.
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Comments
Get a job. Seriously. Get a
Get a job. Seriously. Get a job. And then this isn't your problem anymore.
I have a career which takes
I have a career which takes me away from home half the year. And I work from home when I'm here. Not really interested in getting a shitty min wage job locally, I live in a small town and there's not much here. I see what you're saying, but "getting a job" isn't my issue. I'm an equal earner in our household.
Disengage from BM and her disorganization
Tell DH you need two weeks heads up on SK schedule. No last minuted coming to stay over. You have to work and DH needs to get a babysitter, or he can watch his kids. Because you can not work and deal with SK at the same time.
I dunno- it seems more
I dunno- it seems more selfish to sleep while your wife deals with YOUR ex and YOUR kids and gets totally stressed out by it.
These are not your issues to address, and DH has to find a way to address them.
Skids don't leave at 18. And even if they do - you are going to grit your teeth for 7 more years? That doesn't seem like the right approach.
I also had a horrid OSD and a
I also had a horrid OSD and a YSD who I bonded with quickly and easily and genuinely adored.
Then, it flipped for a couple years. OSD became human toward us when she moved out (her horridness began right around 14, btw) and I began to enjoy talking to her and getting to know her...which I'd never been able to do before. But it was YSD's turn to be horrid and intolderable at this point (she was around 15).
I think that age is just tough. Don't despair. OSD was especially awful to her dad and it was hard to sit back and watch, but they have a good relationship now...and YSD is starting to come out of it and be fun again.
Good luck. Don't do anything you don't want to do!
Thank you OldredHen and
Thank you OldredHen and Twoofus - it helps so much to hear that other people have gone through this and come out ok. I know in my heart what it's like to be a teen. Heck at the beginning it was YSD that was a goddamn nightmare and then she came around when she felt more settled. I remember being a teen and hating everyone. I know she needs someone to reject right now.
On a bright and happy and note filled with relief and slightly OT I think I just sold my house! Please keep your fingers crossed for me, kind strangers! We ended up with two houses, one that's very sentimental and that I have to sell to keep my head above water. This might be the beginning of a new chapter for us. The last year and a half has been absolutely f-ed and horrible, losing parents and OSD turning into a monster!
oh and YSD is here, being nice and happy and I'm not concerned with OSD because I told her mother I was NOT trying to enforce her coming here as I don't particularly care if she does or not, in fact I'm happier without her. I didn't say that part but it's truuuuuueeeee
Does YSD have a phone? Just
Does YSD have a phone? Just communicate directly with her. If she needs something, or to be picked up she can call or text you. Make sure that she tells her BM what's going on but I'd cut BM out and work directly with YSD. She's old enough.
As for OSD, 14 is a terrible age for a young girl. Give her a few years and don't hold anything against her, she'll come around.