Are you talking about cooking a meal just for her or making enough for her when you cook for yourself and your kids?

Is it possible to not tell him and just start pushing her to do things on her own? Maybe ask what she wants from the grocery store when you go so that she has options to make her own food.

I definitely agree if she's in college you should not be responsible for her care.

I get it.  Your DH works away from home and leaves SD with you.  He expects a heck of a lot out of you.  It is a bad situation but he has to work as you do and can't take her with him.  I agree with Lndsy, if she is in college you shouldn't be responsible for her but she is immature and is having a hard time adjusting to adulthood.  It is like she is constantly in your face.  So you feel overwhelmed by it.  It's like having the inlaws over for a month - only worse.

I agree with one of the other posters who suggested letting SD babysit and having some time for yourself.  That way she would be earning the take-out food and possibly a bonus for her efforts.  Is there somewhere else in the home where she could go to when you need space?  If she has her own room make it into a min-apartment with a TV, small frig and microwave so it helps with her transition to adulthood.

If you aren't going to be cooking for yourself or your young kids, there is no need to cook just for your SD, she is old enough to get herself something to eat, whether she cooks it or buys take out. Just leave her to her own devices.

Does your husband expect you to take care of her, like a child?

Why so many posters are bashing the OP. I thought this forum was for stepparents to voice their frustration dealing with their stepchildren or am I wrong? My situation is a little different in that my 25 year old SS is sleeping on our living room floor until the 23rd. I don't know if the difference is she's 18 and in college? The bottom line is OP has someone else in her home and she didn't agree to it. As someone who wants peace in their own home, I get how she feels. The SD is taking up extra space and it's an irritation. Hopefully she can find a way to deal with it even though I know it's a tough situation.

Honestly, I understand you are uncomfortable with another person living in your home.  I get that you don't feel the sense of privacy that you would prefer.  Believe me, my exhusband moved in his EX-Con fresh from prison brother into our home and THAT was magnitudes 100x worse.. unemployed, opposite sex, violent felony past, drug addiction past..and he WAS completely helpless having been incarcerated most of his adult life to date. 

  However, I don't understand what the issue is with you being "responsible" for her though.

  I mean, I am assuming that she is self sufficiently going to her job and school commitments without your assistance.  I am assuming she is keeping her own room clean and doing her own laundry.  (if she isn't, you need to show her how to run the washer/dryer).  I know you don't like her, but there are things you can do to improve your situation if you will deal with her directly.... like if you are having to do her laundry.. SHOW her how.

And meals.. yes, you contribute to joint accounts.. but so does your husband.  If he thinks that some of the joint household finances should cover feeding his daughter while she is there.. it shouldn't be THAT much of a problem.  You aren't really cooking for "anyone" though.. save some simple stuff you feed your kids.  So, you are ordering togo food for yourself I assume?  What skin is it off your nose to order two meals vs one.  I mean.. it's not coming out of your pocket is it?  I get the feeling is that you don't want to do "anything" to benefit her.. no matter how little effort on your part it takes.

So, if you can't bring yourself to order her something when you place the order for your own food... simply tell her a few times a week that "she is on her own for dinner tonight".  Again... a little effort to avoid a large annoyance may be in order.  You must be doing some amount of grocery shopping.  Ask her what she might like to fix herself for dinners... since you don't really cook.. she should be able to fix some stuff for herself.   But, again, then she may be in your way in the kitchen when you are trying to feed your kids.  Perhaps ordering that second takeout meal is the lesser of evils?

And.. your therapist was right.  this is an ADJUSTMENT.  It is also, most likely, temporary.  In a few years, this problem will be gone and the way you carried yourself during this time may determine whether you have a relationship at the end of it with your husband or not.  So, sometimes we have to accept our current situation and figure out how to live with it.. or make adjustments that are within your control.  If you do go back to therapy.. one thing you should be focusing on is how to deal with the adjustment.. not just vent sessions about how much you "hate" that she exists in your home.  The latter is just not productive and in fact is causing you to focus all your energy on being unhappy.

So, you can do a few things.  You want alone time?  Well, ask her to go watch TV in her room.  Set up a haven area in YOUR room where you can retreat for some self soothing quiet time.  You don't want to eat your meal with her?  Eat out yourself.. or again.. set up that private space so that you can dine alone.  Maybe buy her a set of cooking classes that meats once a week.. get her out of the house that way?  And..learn how to zen out.. meditate.. whatever tools you need to do to get your own peace.  She is not responsible for your happiness...and neither is she responsible for your misery.

Again, I understand this isn't your preferred situation.  I know it isn't always easy and you feel cramped.. but for your own sake and the sake of your relationship with your husband.. you need to figure out how to deal with this in an adult manner.. because.. like several others have pointed out.. you are coming off as fairly petulant and immature.  This may not be really how you ARE.. but you are getting similar feedback from a lot of people.. including your therapist apparently.  So, self reflection is never a bad thing.  And again.. this is TEMPORARY... get through it.  Buy a calendar.. x off each month.. plan date nites with your DH out.  use your SD to your advantage to take load off of you so you can get out of the house.

18YOs can not get fiancial aid for college without parent signing off on.

Cannot drink

Very difficult to rent a car

I think that most parents expect to help kids at 18, especially if, as this one, they are in college and working.  I think most kids who live in dorms at 18, parents are paying.  If dad can afford that, that may be a good answer.  If not, most 18YOs going to community college live at home.  I get it, that OP does not think that should be the OPs home.  If my DH told me that my kid could not live at my home at 18 while attending college (assuming no issues not discussed here), I would tell him he is wrong.

When I had a small child, I would be grateful for someone who could watch the kid, so I could run out. 

Can you just ask her to step up and help out? It might bother you less if you say once in a while "SD, I've had a really long day, would you mind cooking XYZ for yourself and the kids while I take a shower?" or something like that. She doesn't sound so awful, from what I've read, so maybe treat it as having someone around to HELP you instead of annoy you. I get it. I really do. Living with unrelated people is a hinderance. You're an adult in a roommate situation, but instead of letting it drive you nuts, take advantage of it. 

Your husband isn't around to help, but his daughter is. She sounds like an okay person so maybe make the best of it until you can get her out of the house... 

OP, can you please clarify if you've been able to discuss these issues with your DH or not?

Have you talked to him about not wanting to be responsible for getting dinner for SD? Have you talked about when she will move out? Have you discussed him "going out" 2-3 times a week?

And can you help me understand how she was moved in without your consent?

I'm not being snarky, honestly - I'm just trying to ascertain if you have been very passive with all of this, or if your DH just steamrolls everything you want in favor of what he wants. 

Our model with SS-26 when he turned 18 3mos after HS graduation was that he could live at home rent free fully on our dime ..... if..... he’s was either a full time student in good standing or worked full time.  Part time student with a part time job would have worked as well.

Since he was not interested either in work or school his presence in our family home was a day by day proposition.

Work time was work time and his chore list was ever expanding as time progressed.  Eventually he got to the limits of his tolerance for being our house boy, chef, laundry boy, house maintenance worker, lawn and landscaping service and he launched.

Part of stoking the flames of the burning platform to get him to launch was disabling the internet and cable when we left for work each AM.

Find the sweet spot of abject misery and they will launch.  It will even be their idea.

this commenting thing again.

cook for his DD or she will eat PB&J.  Why isn’t he home to take care of her.  He needs to find someplace for to go, if he is not home playing around 

OP, I totally get that it's hard living with another kidult woman in your home. I have a grown basement dwelling DS22 with mild learning disabilities and he drives me nuts sometimes. Luckily he works but he'll never go to college and likely alway need some kind of assistance or guidance from me. I do put him to work. He babysits, cleans, cooks, housesits and contributes financially so it's not all bad having him here but there's still issue of trying to balance the two dynamics of "I'm an adult you can't tell me what to do" and "You're under my roof and you will do what I say!"  

I'm with the posters who say put her to work! Make her earn her keep through babysitting, cleaning, cooking, etc.  Let her be the nanny to your kiddos and bond with them since she's hanging around anyway.  If she hates being the upaid help it may just spur her on to finding other accomodations.  Don't let her get too comfortable or take over any part of the house but her room.  

This is temporary and you'll get through it.  

OP, do you see the hypocrisy (maybe irony) of what you're saying?

You expect an 18 year old full-time student with a job who moved across state lines to a new place to magically make friends and never be home with zero assistance from your DH...

...yet you cannot manage to have a simple conversations with your DH along the lines of "hey hon, wouldn't it be great if SD watched the girls twice a week so we could go out?" in spite of you being told, sometimes verbatim, by others what to say and exactly how to say it?

Also, what are you doing home every night of the week? I get that you have two kids, but your DH manages to go out. You all have income, so you could hire a babysitter (or ask the rent-free teenager to do it). You're home an awful lot, too, for her to be bothering you *this* badly.

I'll say it again: you have a DH problem, but I also think you have a self-esteem problem. There is not a snowballs chance in hell that my DH would get to go out multiple nights a week and leave me at home with ALL his kids without also letting ME go out. There is not a snowballs chance that I wouldn't reem my DH a new one if he moved one of his kids into my house without consulting me first. There is not a snowballs chance that I would sit quietly for weeks and months about something bothering me.

What is it that you are SO afraid of? That your DH will get mad? That he'll kick you out? That he'll move out? That the status quo will change? The one constant in life is change, and it is on us to figure out how to manage that change. Stewing in it and brooding in it won't make it go away, and it will only make it harder once you do address it. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be for your husband to listen to you because "you didn't speak up before so you must just hate my kid".

Sorry if that seems harsh, but silence will kill a relationship just as easily as infidelity.

All that negative energy and hate..... bad for the body, mind, soul. Rechannel it.

From the age of about 12 I gave my children a list of jobs around the house they could choose to do. Cooking dinner was one of the first jobs chosen off the list. 18 seems an age where this adult should be quite capable of sharing the work load and cooking some family meals.