Today I totally resent my SS
For the past three weeks or so my DH and I have been fighting with SS over his math homework. My SS11 is High-function Autistic, and I understand that anything involving changing can be challenging to him. BUT, GOD, a wrong answer in math is a wrong answer, no arguing is going to make it right. My DH and I have both exhausted ourselves so much to a point my DH even said that he was seriously considering sending the son to his mom forever. (SS lives wtih us 100% of the time, last year he only spent time with his mom less than a month in total)
It pains me so much to see my DH can't even be allowed his time to socialize wtih his peers. I guess I'm at least partially guilty in that situation. The arguments are always so bad and most of the time only the dad can deal with.
To be honest I have tried so many times to bond with this kid, but I found it so hard to even like him. I mean, how do you like a person when you try to help him to do his homework and all you get from him is "BUT MY ANSWERS WERE RIGHT AND YOUR CORRECTIONS ARE WRONG" or "WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT IS WRONG" (my ss often yells. perhaps he just doesn't know how loud he is, but i dont' know why I should like that behavior just "Because he doesn't know") . Although I do sometimes feel like the complains I wrote here sound petty (I have written and just disgarded so many times because I feel so petty of myself..), I don't know who can endure this type of attitude and behavior 24/7/365.
Just this morning I told my SS that his dad and I really don't know how he (SS) wants us to help him anymore. We tried to work with him and he refused, on top of that it's the constant yelling bits that I hate. Obviously we are NOT going to do his homework, nor are we writing his essays for him, so either he learned to do them, or he accept the failure and just don't regret if the future is not too bright. (I myself don't believe that not going to college is the end of world, even though I have abundant education myself. If he can't do it, then he can't.) He stared at me and said nothing. When I pointed this out he told me I was insulting him (By stating that he just stares and says nothing. I don't know how this is insulting).
So this is the kid that can never do wrong, is never wrong, and has super touchy feelings, won't put in effort in anything he does, but thinks he's the brightest in the room whenever he goes. This is the kid that when he needs help he won't come to you, but instead, will call you to go to him (We've told him a trillion times that's not how this world work). This is also the kid that will try to take advantage of people when he can. He tried to get me to cook breakfast for him every morning by lying to me saying that's what grandma does (no, shs didn't).On top of that, his mom is a stupid b--tch that likes to mess our schedule all the time. I don't know how to "love him as who he is." I just don't know.
Even if some said many of these are due to his condition (autism), I don't know, are they really not supposed to take responsibility of their own actions? Are we just supposed to suck this all up because "oh well, he's autistic" ? Does being autistic mean that their impact on others are not real?
I am at the point to feel to send him to his b--tch mom for good, and don't even want to see his face again. I'm not even angry anymore, I just wish this whole thing can end soon.
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Comments
Just let him take his wrong
Just let him take his wrong homework in and fail. At 11 he’s old enough to do it independently, even with autism. Pick your battles wisely.
Agreed
One thing for an adult to see that kid gets his homework done, but let him do it himself. Teachers cannot help him if they dont know what he can do. One of my friends was told by her kid's teacher, Mrs. Smith, I am pretty certain you passed 9th grade algebra, we need to know what your kid can do.
ETA, I think fine to say, no electronics till you finish your homework, but let him hand in his own work
Tried, and possibly had no
Tried, and possibly had no effect XD
Last time he argued with me over his stupid math hw again (algebra) I sent him straight to bed. Because if you don't want to learn it at least you get some sleep. He turned the math hw in with 3 blank pages (total 8, I know that's quite a lot. He did 3 pages at school with a teammate, and 2 himself at afterschool. The over correct rate is at around 50%) and was just happy that he didn't need to see it again.
DH is the one that worries his future. I had been saying not able to go to college is not the end of the world. I am just so super sick of his attitude.
Also funny thing is, BM isn't big in academic so if SS ever goes back to live with her he will most likely not being challenged about homework at all. But with all that, he hates living with his mom. I sometimes think he only likes to live with us because we are doing better financially -_-.
So, keep letting him hand it
So, keep letting him hand it in blank. Let the teacher know he is refusing to complete it. No electronics unless homework is done.
Honestly, some kids just will.not do homework. My SS was one of them. Every excuse in the book and once he went to live with BM he just didn't do it. Barely graduated from high school but is now in Community College.
Your SS's homework is HIS responsibility, not yours. Spending your evenings fighting about it is not the right way to do it.
Hmm.. so I was not born in
Hmm.. so I was not born in the US and am not quite sure how the community college system work.
Now though, it seems talking about college at all is not quite realistic, since he couldn't even finish six grade math work. XD
Neither could SS, at the time
Neither could SS, at the time.
Schools will push him through. At least here they will.
been there done this
Take a deep breath. I have been here, I also have a high function autistic SS.
First, find a group on line with parents of autistic kids. This will help trust me.
Second try and understand that high functioning or low function their brains translate differently. You will need to find a way to explain the answer in a way he can relate. What is his favorite thing to do? Try and use that to explain the answer.
Connecting to and autistic kid is challenging because it is not the same. With my SS I had to again do something that he liked. When he was little is was dinosaurs and I would sit with him while he explained all the dinosaurs. Now at 17 he is writing a novel and he likes video games. So I will ask him about that.
He is never going to sit down and tell me about his day or be a big hugger or really very social. I have accepted that.
Hope that helps.
I am hoping once the ABA
I am hoping once the ABA starts things will probably be better.
I don't konw.
I have read so many books and I have become very good at coming up with alternative explanations of his behavior (not the same as finding excuses). It is me that calms his dad down when they both are too upset to talk to each other. I just had to be honest that i didn't sign up for that... XD
There have been countless times that I said this to him: "[SS's name], you are yelling at me now. Let's calm down, change the tone and try again." I am extremely upset because now it's like three weeks in a row with almost no good days in between. I am so worn down.
My OSS is 14 and has asperger
My OSS is 14 and has asperger's as well. He raises his voice and has no regard for people's feelings. He is also a manipulator. I find the only solution if I want to keep my sanity and stay married to my DH is just to disengage and let the parents worry about their snowflake. I used to care what OSS did and how he was going to turn out. I cannot stand to even be in the same room with this kid for 5 minutes because of the crap he says and does. I do not really have anything to do with the skids anymore and it has been a lot easier for me. Your DH should not makes excuses for his kid just because he has asperger's. I don't know your DH's parenting style but maybe a little bit of tough love might help. I hope this helps you.
One thing to consider
Why boys are LOUD!
As they grow into teens their heads are getting bigger but their eustachian tubes remain smaller for longer. So they seem to YELL A LOT but in fact they are sort of deaf. If your SS is growing then this may be the problem. Also you can just dictate that no yelling inside. Inside voice ALWAYS. This goes for you and DH as well.
I would let him hand in his homework as it is. It is not you and DHs job to correct his homework if he does not want your hellp. Let him slip and slide. Let him find out how his peers and teachers will not bow to his expectations that he is right and the rest of the world is wrong.
My SS18 is autistic and will
My SS18 is autistic and will never take personal responsibility. I don't think he can handle it. Being wrong is very upsetting to him. He is moderately functioning - will never live on his own. He also lies all the time. It is about the stupidest crap, things that we know but he will deny up a storm.
I think it is the confrontation aspect of autism. They just don't handle it well.
I don't know how you can
I don't know how you can handle this so calmly.
To think that my SS might live with us forever, just the thought of it makes me sick.
DH has been saying that if SS can't get to college we will not be supporting him to just sit home and rot. I know my DH means it but I doubt that will truly be the case had that day ever come.
Helping a child I can do; serveing a grown ass man (whom I did not choose) I can't.
My DH and I refuse to allow
My DH and I refuse to allow the sit home and rot. The 1st step was him graduating. Take advantage of as many resources as the school offers, talk to a therapist about other programs, same with the social security office- even if he doesn't qualify financially for them, the agencies can help.
Now that we passed that part we are working with a state department with employment assistance. They help with vocational training, transportation, jobs and work coaches. It is great for him. He works 2 days a week right now and we are looking a welding programs for him. DH and I know he won't cut it, but he is going to try because he wants to. After that we will find something else that is a better fit. The point is, take advantage of everything you can.
I will say I came in when SS was 15. He was pretty stable on meds at that point so I got lucky there!
DH has tried really hard
My DH is not a Disney dad (since SS lives wtih us all the time) and he has been very involved in disciplining SS. This is also why he rarely stay out late to hangs out with his friends/coworkers. I feel bad to ever have to call him back early for his son's misbehaviour on the rare occasions he hangs out with his friends.
Last night my DH was so frustrated with SS over his math homework (That was, six times or more interrupting my DH with an no-effort-just-guess-work answers to 3 math questions. THREE. I agree if ASD kids can show their understanding in 3 then they shouldn't need to do 20. But what do you say when all 3 he had done were wrong and he refused to work with anyone to correct it?). My husband told SS about how we got through our childhood--stuff like we get spanked when we did sh*t wrong. SS then threatened that if he gets spanked he will call child protective services (he later said it was a joke, Ha Ha. -_-). To this incident, I told him I welcome him to call, because if it is deemed that our household too dangerous for him to stay, they will remove him from the house. So this is the boy who doesn't like to live with his mother, but has no respect to his father, let alone anyone else. I don't understand why he just thinks/feels he deserves everyone to work around and for him.
I have actually tried letting him deal with his wrong answer hw to be turned in. Well but this kid has no shame of anything done wrong, at least not to his homework. It's often when we try to correct him he would tell us "but my teacher said _____" and when the teachers try to correct him he would just said "My dad told me _____". We are all just tools for him. This of course does is not limited to math related issues, it's almost everything.
And at our home, kids don't just get electronics/screen time because they want to. They have to earn it. My SS had not earned that for three weeks in a row now but I don't think he cares much.
Perhpas most absurd of all to me, is how hypocritical he can be. In at least one occasion when I asked him a simple yes/no question he just stared at me and said nothing. I told him I don't understand what he means by staring at me. He then yelled that "SILENCE MEANS NO!" Minutes later when I answered him with the exact same treatment he was fumed and upset about it. So obviously he can do this as he wants, but not the other way around.
I don't know what is the point to bond with this person if you ask me. You treat him nice and he will try to take advantage of you or sees you as an ATM. You treat him coldly and he freaking screams murders. (everything he does is just so overly exaggerated)
I'm sorry I don't have much nice thing to say about this boy now. I have tried to find the little things or nice memories to hold on to but I truly can't, at least not yet. He only asks if help is needed when everything is done (because he never wanted to help. I am not guessing, that's what he admitted), and just takes and takes and takes. I used to consider I am a big giver, now I barely have energy to give my own daughter. I don't see why his life worth more than any others that we must tolerate all because of his condition. Have we not tried enough?
Freaking hate this little turd now.
No way on Earth would I put
No way on Earth would I put this much energy into a child I didn't bring into the world.
He is your DH's responsibility, not yours. Let DH handle homework and all other parenting. My SS rarely did his homework and there was a lot of stress around it in my house- DH's stress. Not my kid, not my problem.
Of course you resent him, how could you not? You didn't create him or even sign up for this. Let DH handle him.
Why is the math homework such
Why is the math homework such a battle? I assume that this kid is getting special services at his school. Is it really necessary to destroy your life at home over MATH? Let the teachers handle checking his math homework. If the problems are wrong, the teacher needs to know that there's a deficit. Fighting with him to correct it doesn't really help much. Perhaps make yourself available for questions (so long as he is respectful in asking) but otherwise let him do the work and turn it in as-is. If he doesn't do it, I would hope there would be consequences at school as well as at home.
I'm sure math homework is far from the only problem you're dealing with, but it seems to be the immediate issue and really, it doesn't need to be.
If he's being an ass with stuff like the silent treatment, maybe it's time to disengage and let your husband bear the brunt of the child he created. You mentioned that you'd like to send him to his mom. Is that a real option?
Whether to send the kid to
Whether to send the kid to the BM usually is not up to me. BM never really bother to see her son, buys nothing and pays nothing (oh well, probably food when he is there, if that counts) for her own son either. She doesn't even have a room for him so there had been times he had to sleep on the couch when visiting her.
DH had been saying to send him to his mom indefinitely quite often this week. I can't tell whether he is being serious. He is the one that put in most effort into his now-often-an-ahole son. So deep down we both know that the boy's future will be doomed if he goes to his mother. It doesn't matter how much child support we might be paying if that ever happens, he will not be the one to receive it if he is with his mom. I guess as a stepparent I can easily walk away and don't care about SS's future (as long as I don't have to serve him). I am not sure that is true to a bio parent though.
I have no idea if that will even be an option if my DH seriously decided to send SS there forever. He is so much work that even his own mom doesn't like to deal with him. (she had called to say that she's sending SS back early because she couldn't cope at least once.)
In no way should you feel
In no way should you feel guilty your husband can't hang out with his friends! IT'S HIS KID! Does he feel guilty that he has you watching HIS son so HE can go out?!
Seriously, if he wasn't all in on parenting HIS KID, why did he accept custody?
You need to step waaaaay back. You resent the hell out of the kid now, buy very soon it will be your husband that you resent. Major relationship killer.
Me? I couldn't live with someone like that acted like an ass all the time - ESPECIALLY if I had to assume responsibility of them. I left my formerSO, largely due to his horrific 13 yr old kid.
So..I only feel guilty
So..I only feel guilty because I love my DH and I want him to be happy.
He has never complained about not being able to hang out after work. Never tried to guilt me either. He is the one that usaully check his hw, but his job now sort of require him to travel, each time close to a week. I can't completely avoid not dealing with SS. :/
Dup
Dup
Ugh. Seriously, I feel for
Ugh. Seriously, I feel for you. Completely unfair to you AND your daughter. I know how much it takes out of you.
Sometimes, especially with
Sometimes, especially with concrete thinkers you need to fight fire with fire... Yell back, give him the silent treatment, etc.
As for the homework, give him another tutoring oppurtunity - get a high schooler to help hm or have the teacher recommend someone. Often this will work better, if not let him deal with natural consequences.
We Used To Call This
"back talk" and was generally shut down in toddler hood shortly after a child started using the word "NO" back at his parents. We didn't call it autism, we called it insolence. Then along came Dr. Spock that wrote a book saying not to discipline your child in an authoritarian manner.
Now we have several generations of parents who are afraid to show their children who's the boss and who treat their children as peers as well as pets.
I'm not sure why we're surprised when the kid becomes a mini dictator in their own home. Never argue with children. You say "zip it!" and if they don't, punishment swiftly ensues every.single.time.