This just gets even more ridiculous with sd22
so sd22 who bombed her 1st interview at government managed pension fund who hubby recommended as he has a senior friend working there and got the job purely because of hubbys connection despite sd22 sitting in pure silence when asked anything
well yesterday she messaged hubby, months ago had claimed that they’re not in contact with bio mums family anymore because they aren’t happy that after divorce with hubby nearly 10 yrs ago and her mum passing away, she got a shitload of money and didn’t split the inheritance money of bio mum, greedy pig kept it all to herself
well a cousin of sd22 has now asked sd22 to get hubby to pull strings for her to become a bank teller. This girl looks so immature like she is 10 yrs old. She had her interview 3 weeks ago. Hubby said sorry i can’t do anything of she hasn’t bern offered a job within 3 weeks then she sucked at the interview. All he can do is what score she got which he believes was insufficient and low.
hubby said next time she needs to ask in advance and hubby can just mention its his family member but he can’t do much if she sucked at the interview
explain to me why hubby should be helping exwifes niece when the whole family of herd went into major attack mode against hubby during the divorce, none of these niece or nephews stood up for hubby one bit and now when it suits them they want friggin favours
this just gets even more friggin ridiculous. I feel over time i hate these skids even bloody more and hell no are my kids even being brought to them for so called quality family time to sit there is awkward silence wasting 8-9 hours of a weekend day.
hubby just needs to get things bluntly from me sometimes
It doesn't sound like this
young woman was very old when your husband and his ex divorced so what did you expect someone who was at most a teenager to do?
And who kept what inheritance money?
To be honest with you you really don't have a reason to dislike your stepdaughters. They were away for 6 or 7 years because of their mom and are trying to develop a relationship with their dad. You regularly criticize even the young teenager for not falling all over your kids or you. Your SS I can somewhat understand as he has lived with you but the girls? You are looking for reasons to hate them.
Sd22 would have been 14 when hubby divorced ex
But they were on a joint custody order hubby getting weekends and holidays etc
the exwife kept inheritance money from her mum that was meant to be split amongst the other siblings. She simply took everything as she had her name put on everything before her mum died, thats why her family aren’t on good terms because they said she was a greedy pig. Then some of these siblings knew hubby wasn’t on good terms with her and decided to take things further breaking into a home hubby bought for exwife and then sd to live in comfortably and in privacy and perform voodoo crap to give impression hubby was trying to harm exwife and sd by laying knives, candles and dead cats, these are what sd told hubby
yes sd were away for 5-6 years because their mum lied and spun some rubbish about their dad and when they found out they justified it to their dad that he destroyed her in the divorce and told him to get over it and move on.
i am not criticising the sd for not falling head over heels with our 2 toddlers, what i do notice is they claim to their dad we miss them, we want to spend time but nada contacting or calling to ask about them or visit them.
Many times sd have gone behind my back and do things with my kids they had no right to and when i said no because this is basic common sense (that they lack), they think they can question my authority regarding my kids and do it.
The kids have been free to visit their dad and arrange meets themselves, they just ignore him till they need major favours done or money... so their actions over the past 8 months show they aren’t yet interested in building up a relationship
my own husband has even said he felt they were trying to exclude us intentionally at meet ups and it upset him alot and he totally understood me not wanting to be present with my kids
i have also stated that youngest sd i felt has always followed what her mum and elder sister say or do because thats all she knows but i have also seen her behave differently like she wants to be around us more and the way she talks to and behaves around us when her sister wasn’t around but was too afraid to say it
also none of exwifes family has maintained any contact with hubby so it seems hypocritical that they expect favours and hubby to pull strings now when they have had nothing to do in over 10 yrs. thats just as bad as a rude disrespectful skid who expects stepparents contacts or hierarchy in company to pull favours for them to get a job when you have wanted nothing to do with them and this whole family of exwife has threatened harm to hubby during divorce, has claimed hubby went to their relatives weddings after divorce just to pit hubby further against exwife and cause more fighting.
So yeah why should hubby be suddenly helping an ex-niece he has had no contact for in over a decade. Hubby is family when it suits the exwife, family and co and kids but he’s not a majority of the time so my feelings on the matter are very valid.
the sd say things to hubby but their actions don’t match it, they contradict the hell out of it. Its like bio mum has spun so much crap and told them to tell this and that many lies that they have forgotten what they’ve said
if you say you haven’t had contact with mums whole family since 5-6 yrs ago (apart from bio mums dad) because of this mess and nothings changed, why are you in regular contact with cousins?? Alot of inconsistencies
These are your husband's
These are your husband's decisions and his battles to fight. Let him help who he wants to help and do what he wants to do for his kids and their family.
The parent-child bond is strong. If your kids were alienated at some point, you too might chase after them a bit and try to fix the relationship, there is a primal pull to have your kids in your life.
Even my DH, who is a strong parent and never took crap from BM or SS, struggles with this - he knows his son is not healthy, but it's his SON. He can't give up on him.
Whereas, I could give up on SS and have. I see him as an exact replica of his mother, and a lost cause.
Just set your boundaries and let him handle this stuff as he sees fit.
Yes i totally get that
and my husband has said previously recently he does feel guilty for the way his kids turned out because he allowed the marriage with exwife to continue despite knowing from day 1 she wasn’t capable of being a wife and mum.
he knows he had his head in the sand and partly switched off and no matter all the crap the exwife spun and the physical threats from her family etc and her having them do that, hubby could have put a stop to this ages ago but didn’t so he’s definitely conflicted
i get to a point where i just don’t see there being a relationship between my 2 toddlers and their half siblings ever as they’ve not really shown any effort to maintain a relationship despite the empty promises but thats on them. Actions speak louder than words.
when i tell hubby i don’t feel comfortable around them because of the invasion of privacy, their lack of respect for our boundaries and my authority regarding my kids, them reporting everything to crazy exwife, it frustrates me when hubby goes behind my back scheming with his daughters for meet ups like he’s intentionally trying to cause a scene with me but claims he just forgot to tell me...?there are alot of issues to deal with but there comes a point where you just want to disconnect but there always seems to come a time when hubby complains the kids failed again and i feel like saying i don’t care
then hubby says he doesn’t want anything to do with exwifes family, that relationship is beyond repair for the rest of his life but then he goes out of his way for stepkids to the point he admits he’s doing more than he should and thats causing issues but with the issues during divorce and their mum, he’s guilted into it.
He doesn't need to feel any
He doesn't need to feel any guilt, he didn't cause this- BM did. He could NOT have stopped her, no matter how much he thinks he could have. If he had left her when the kids were younger, she would have alienated them then.
His mistake was ever marrying and impregnating BM, but he can't change that and probably didn't do it while realizing she was going to be such a toxic mother.
So the guilt is misplaced, but you can't change that for him.
As for your kids, you can't control whether their half-sibs want a relationship with them, so let that go. At this point, they are toxic anyway, so why encourage it? When I see my future, my SS is nowhere in it. I figure he will always be someone we don't want in our lives and I don't picture either of us having any kind of positive relationship with him. If DH were to die, I would want nothing to do with him. If SS changes as he matures, great! But I'm not planning on it.
As for the meet-ups your H plans, if they don't involve you, then let him at it. If they do involve you, then make very clear that you will not be participating in them, PERIOD.
He is going to wrestle with this stuff. When my DH brings up stuff about SS, I just listen and make brief responses. If he asks for advice, I give it, but I don't care if he follows it or not, it's his problem to solve.
I’m much the same
Any plans for my future involve hubby, our 2 kids but no stepkids. They are my responsibility.
like you said that guilt is misplaced, hubby thought exwife would change after kids, then came kid 2 & 3 and hubby realised he was in a bigger mess.
that misplaced guilt is what makes him go out of his way with his kids but then he complains later he knows they’re abusing that power and guilt and he shouldn’t do it. Its a long process...
these meet ups hubby wants me coming but i’m never part of the discussion so i said since i have no say, not consulted on anything, you go enjoy those 8-9 miserable hours sitting in awkward silence, buying your kids attention while we stay home... 2 visits in like this and he cut that off saying to his kids clearly they had no care or concern about us and were playing happy family and it wasn’t fair to hubby that he wants to spend weekends with his family together (meaning everyone) and they were perfectly capable of coming to our home but just too lazy and refused to.
Next thing no contact for 2.5 months, so hubby is in between contact and no contact but he tries to live his life. The girls expected he’d be in limbo for their return but thats not a healthy life to live
Yes, my SS cuts off contact
Yes, my SS cuts off contact with DH periodically for no discernible reason and then starts responding again. It's part of alienation. It could be a power play, or it could just be alienated kids wrestling with that loyalty bind again. My DH is learning to just roll with it.
I don't know if I could ever get over the disappointment of losing a child to alienation, so I don't expect my DH to, he will struggle with it for the rest of his life, most likely. I just try to stay off the roller coaster of emotion.
Good for you on the meet-ups - he can go on his own if he can't consult you.
Yup that alienation is really upsetting and with ss20
who lives with us when not at uni, its a sulking manipulative thing he does to control and guilt hubby
i had to say you realise this is total disrespect to a parent who worked their arse off to provide a stable income so you wouldn’t have to struggle like others working casual jobs in high school to help pay for things and make ends meet but there is no appreciation
rags always says on these forums your spouse is an equity life partner so anything that affects family life or your family time together, you must be consulted the moment those plans come up. Not surprise guilt them a day or 2 before because you have no respect
the most recent family wedding of hubbies, i refused to go because his daughters would be there, hubby palms our daughter off to them to babysit and they do all kinds of inappropriate things and our plans always change for them and i am never consulted and have to deal with 2 sick kids
i resent hubby alot for this and his 2 daughters because they are perfectly capable of getting to the location, have their own car, would drive bio mum and stepdad 2-3 hours away no problems but to meet up 1 hour away or the same distance, hubby is expected and guilted into picking them up and they change plans last minute and i lost it with hubby that i plan our trips specifically around what i’m told but behind my back he’s changing plans with the 3 skids and we’re demanded by hubby to make ourselves (me and 2 toddlers available), so i put my foot down no more because he is not treating me with any respect and lying to my face and thats never ok with your spouse but hubby justifies it as not lying to me but just planning things without telling me.
I told him when i’ve told you i won’t come if its a certain situation and certain people are coming along, then things change within hours, you not telling me is lying to my face and putting me intentionally in a situation i have openly wanted to avoid
he drives me mad sometimes
Yeah, that's the part to set
Yeah, that's the part to set limits on. Just don't agree to do anything more with his kids, period, no matter how it seems to be set up at first, because he can't be trusted not to change plans on you.
Its not only he can’t be trusted
But skids too.
everytime we are overseas visiting my dad with our 2 toddlers, the sd22 messages hubby with an apparent emergency except its not, its something he can’t do anything about till he’s in their country but its like she’s not at all happy hubby going overseas with us and she needs to deflect attention back to her. She’s perfectly capable of waiting till hubbys back but that never happens.
but hubby is always mentioning to them when he’ll be overseas visiting my dad so they are aware and they always use that to deflect attention back to them yet when we are back in their country, complete silence for 2-2.5 months is so normal unless they need something.
i don’t like her mini wife attitude because she thinks she takes precedence over what is allowed with my toddlers and can override my decisions and that upset me heeps and i had to lay it down clearly for hubby what i say goes when its regarding our 2 toddlers because i was the one who birthed them, so you better put your daughters in their rightful place.