In love with her, NOT him
I'm 39 years old and very much in love. My girlfriend is three years younger than me, the coolest woman on the planet, and I adore her in a way I haven't adored a woman since I was in high school and not so cynical. She brings out the best in me, encourages me to try new things, gets me out of my shell. I love, love, love this woman.
But (because of course there is a but) she has an 8 year old son. He has autistm, which isn't the problem. My 17 year old daughter has autism and I raised her without her mothers help. My daughter, however, has a personality. She can carry a conversation. This kid does not see people as people. He's academically bright but has no social skills. His whole world is video games, and if he's not playing them he's whining because he's not playing them.
However, the autism I could deal with just fine, but the boy also has oppositional defiance disorder. Basically he is programmed to disobey, to cause trouble, to hurt people. He is abusive toward his mother, physically and emotionally. He tells her he doesn't love her, that he's only using her for food. He steals her medication and destroys it. Anything he's not supposed to get into he gets into, just to annoy her. I've spent enough time with the two of them to see that this kid enjoys hurting his mother. For the record, she is not a push over. I know a lot of people here have stories about how their partner won't put a stop to their out of control kids behavior. This is not the case. She has tried everything. Nothing works.
It gets worse. About a month ago my girlfriend walked into her sons bedroom. He was supposed to be asleep but she heard him in there awake. Before I tell you what she found, let me first say that the boy thinks he's a cat, and that he can communicate with other cats. He has often meowed at me and it, frankly, freaks me out. So she walks into his room that night and finds that he is sitting in a cat bed, naked, holding a knife he swiped from the kitchen. He's just staring at it intently. If that doesn't spook you out maybe this will: She found the cats tail badly burned one day. He denies he did it (he lies constantly about things), but there is no other explanation as to how the cats tail was burned. I've looked into his disorder, there is every possibility that this kid become a full blown sociopath by the time puberty hits.
My girlfriend leads a miserable, unhappy life because of her son. When she is around him she is tense, her thoughts jumbled, she seems ready to snap. The more she is away the more she unwinds and you get to see this wonderful, bright, giving, big hearted woman. I want to marry this woman. I know that this is a package deal, but if she can't find him therapy or meds or something I don't know what I'm going to do.
Lest you think I am a mean man who doesn't like a special needs child, let me clarify my fear: I have a 17 year old daughter who lives with me. I also have a 21 year old daughter who has a 1 year old daughter of her own that I frequently watch. What happens if one day this boy decides to get up in the middle of the night, grab a knife from the kitchen, and stab my daughter in the chest? What happens if this boy, who has a condition that could lead (according to the DSM) to him forcing someone into sex acts, gets his hands on my little granddaughter?
I love my girlfriend so much, more than I ever thought I could love a woman again. I knew it the second I met her. Breaking up with her would break me, but staying with her and moving forward with her feels like it could put myself and my kids in danger. Even in the best case scenerio this kid is mean and disobident. I've worked for years to fill my home with nice things (I used to be very poor). Seeing him wreck my home would be more than I can handle.
My girlfriend has already said that the day he turns 18 she's putting this boy in a home or institution. She is done, done, done. But she feels too guilty to do that yet, even though she literally (her words) can't stand him. What do I do? What do WE do? How do I love this woman when her kid is so awful?
- Reluctant1980's blog
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Where is his dad?
How does he deal with him? Just curious. ODD is a nightmare. I’m sorry you’re dealing with a kid that isn’t yours, that has it. You have legitimate fears, kids with ODD can be extremely dangerous. I wouldn’t want a young defenseless grandchild around someone with ODD. Never leave them alone together. Seriously.
Is your girlfriend willing to send him to a military camp or somewhere he can learn rules/boundaries? Even a mental institution? I mean, that IS where he belongs if he’s hanging out with knives & burning cats. I’m assuming the boys seeing a therapist. What does the therapist think of the knife & cat burning incident? If he isn’t in therapy, that’s where I’d start!
If she’s not willing to get him serious help, which I think will require a stay somewhere based on the stories you told, at the very least make sure your children are aware of the boys issues. I wouldn’t bring my babies around a kid behaving like that. Give them the option to avoid it too. Without help, the kids only going to get worse & worse until he winds up in prison. You could wait it out until he’s in juvey or prison too!
Can he not go into a home or institution now?
Is that possible?
"Not Until He's 18"
Leads me to believe that she is cashing in on CS. . . But I digress.
Hate To Say It
I hate to say it again but she is a package deal and he is one BIG package. The child has some serious issues and poses a real risk to others. If he is a problem now early in the relationship, I can almost guarantee that he will be an even bigger problem in the future. He will become more full of rage and bigger in physical size. How can you be sure she will send him away at age 18? Even if she does, that's another TEN MORE YEARS! His behaviour will challenge even your deep love for her and make you wish you never met her.
Consider your own family first. If you think they are potentially in danger, you should leave this family. I don't believe in having one true love or soul mate. There are others whom you will love just as much. Have confidence and do the right thing for yourself and your dear family. Leave now while you can.
Get the cat out of the house
Get the cat out of the house before this kid does anything else to the poor thing. He should be in a home where he has 24/7 care, never mind guilt, the safety of everyone else in your home should be the top priority.
Does your granddaughter live with you, or is she from an older child who lives elsewhere? If she lives with you, this kid needs to go, or you need to get your own place.
ODD and Autism is an unusual
ODD and Autism is an unusual combination. He should have a whole treatment team - psychiatrist, therapist, services in school and other services available in the community.
Your GF needs to be a strong, structured and firm parent with a child like this. She needs to enlist any and all service providers available to her. And the time to get him out of home placement is NOW - the only institution available to him when he turns 18 is jail, at the rate he's going. Though as a child, he won't just be "sent away", he will get residential treatment for a period of time and return home.
Depending on where you live, he may be eligible for a ton of services. And yes, get the damn cat out of that house before he kills it.
Residential treatment facility rebound ...
My limited experience with seriously disordered children has taught me that relying upon state funded programs and treatments is a marathon event that requires massive advocacy & frequently a ton of out-of-pocket, independent expenses to supplement what is available. Minimal mandated care frequently is insufficient in my experience. Technically services may be offered, but with severe cases a once/twice a week event for a few hours is rarely sufficient.
Your stepson may get a residential placement, but once the child is stable and making progress toward goals, then the child is returned to the family. Each state is different with varying budgets. My GSD-15 has been in state psychiatric hospitals and residential treatment facilities. The longest time was for 6 months before she was returned to her biodad/SM since SO & myself refused to foster her. My oldest GSS - 12 is currently in our state hospital anticipating discharge shortly back into "juvie jail." He has been in residential placement at 3 different facilities and been kicked out of all. He was convicted of multiple sexual assaults at 11 years old with a history of animal abuse, attempts to kill his siblings, etc.
So, your GF needs to have the parenting skills of a SuperNanny, the research skills of a scientist, the advocacy skills of a brilliant attorney and the financial accumen of Dave Ramsey --- and she may still struggle with this child.
Keep your family safe. Keep seperate homes, seperate finances, date, love & enjoy your GF, if you choose.
My SO & myself maintain seperate households because I choose not to expose my BS to this magnitude of mental health/substance & criminal issues. I never leave my BS alone with SD or the 3 GSteps. It's been 6 years and much quieter now, but I don't trust the lull, TBH.
ODD is what they label kids
ODD is what they label kids who will later have Bi-polar diaorder. My SS18 is Bi-polar, Autisitc, Major Anxiety disorder and ADHD. He will never live on his own.
He had a rough time of it for several years. Medication IS A MUST. Once you get his levels of meds worked out it will be ok. Putting kids on the meds he needs will be hit and miss. There was one that my SS was on that caused major hallucinations. There were others that made him act out in totally irrational ways, others that made him a total zombie. It took a while, but when they found the right cocktail for him, everything was fine. He was even able to gradute school on schedule and now he is working part time and really is a part of our family.
My SS is very similar to the personality type you describe. He can't really see what is fantasy and what is reality. He believes that there are all these different "universes" for things and that just because it isn't here that we can't see doesn't mean that it isn't just in another "universe". He also had a hard time communicating. Things can go from 0-100 in seconds. You have to change how you communicate for him.
I am not saying that this will be easy. If your GF isn't willing to get him on meds- RUN NOW. But if she is and if you can handle it, the kid will be ok. Have faith. I love my SS very much and couldn't imagine him not being part of our family.
Huh? ODD is not similar to
Huh? ODD is not similar to bipolar disorder at all. I've known a few kids rx with ODD and none if their therapists said anything about bipolar. It's nothing like anything I've ever encountered before or since. ODD can develop because of inconsistent patenting (a parent who is super strict one moment but super permissive the next). It can develop because of trauma or neglect. Bipolar disorder is genetic and can develop regardless how the kid was raised.
ODD is real. It's not just a label they give naughty kids.
I have been told a number of
I have been told a number of times by a variety of theripist for SS that they couldn't lable him Bi-polar until 18 so ODD is what the give him until then.
My kids SM also has a child who was recently diagnosed with ODD and was told the same thing.
I agree that ODD isn't a label for naughty kids- it is real and it is very hard!
That's a strange explanation.
That's a strange explanation. Are they saying once he's an adult, they will drop the ODD diagnoses? The mania in an ODD child is chronic. Bipolar mania comes in episodes. Like many mental health diagnosis, some symptoms overlap. Many kids with ODD have an alphabet soup of other conditions. It can be very confusing for the uninitiated. Sometimes ODD may be accompanied by bipolar symptoms, but certainly not always.
Most of the time, a mood
Most of the time, a mood disorder that will likely become bipolar in kids is labeled as Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder rather than ODD. Or the kid has a mood disorder AND ODD.
At least where I work, we don't use it as shorthand for future bipolar.
AND, ODD cannot be diagnosed past 18.
This has always been my
This has always been my understanding. The ODD diagnoses is often replaced with a conduct disorder diagnoses once the child becomes an adult. But I'd never heard of it being swapped out for bipolar.
That was my experience and
That was my experience and also what my kids SM was told she is likely dealing with.
Oh I don't doubt that's what
Oh I don't doubt that's what you were told! My only experience with ODD is in foster kids who went through all kinds of trauma and had boatloads of issues. And once they aged out, I have no idea what became of them or their diagnosis.
Conduct Disorder is also only
Conduct Disorder is also only diagnosed until 18, and most ODD kids do NOT grow up to be antisocial.
Diagnosing kids is more of an art than a science - the goal is to address behaviors and symptoms and the diagnoses don't alway fit well.
Bottom line, this kid isn't
Bottom line, this kid isn't getting enough help. You said your GF has guilt so she won't put him into a home until he's 18. What kind of guilt will she have if he kills the cat? Physically hurts your granddaughter? She's not doing him any favors by just letting this happen. She's not doing anyone any favors. This kid sounds really unstable and needs more help than she's giving him. Just "hoping" he won't do anything extreme is a dangerous game to play. Some people just need to be in a home or facility, that's all there is to it. Not everyone is mentally capable of functioning in the world on their own. I would talk to her about this and express all of your concerns. Don't get any deeper into a relationship with her unless something is done. And for God's sake, don't let your granddaughter be alone with him and get the damn cat out of there!
Sometimes love is not enough.
Sometimes love is not enough. Period. It sounds like this is one of those times. You must protect yourself and your family.
I took a series of parenting
I took a series of parenting classes meant for parents of kids with ADD and ODD. My DS only has ADD so I don't know a ton about ODD but the parents of kids with it there were giving positive feedback. Maybe there is something in your area like that that your wife can do? I totally believe shes tries everything that she can think of, that was something addressed in the class is that it's not usually a lack of trying on the parents part and the disorder isn't necessarily caused by poor parenting, but they can provide techniques that have been shown to be effective for kids with those specific issues. Some of it was pretty different than conventional parenting ideas.
It's really up to you though if you think it's too big of a risk. I dont see what other choice you have but to move on if you think it is.