New Here and Need Advice
Good morning!
I'm so glad I found you all! I have been a stepmom for a few years now. I have two children and two SDs. The relationship with my SDs started off great (and stayed great for several years) but has drastically deteriorated over the last year. My DHs ex has been telling alot of stories about him as well as about me that are not true. We have been fortunate enough that we have been able to prove (with documentation) that her stories are not true. We have had to defend ourselves numerous times with my SDs against the stories their mother tells them.
Well, I just found out that my 15yo SD is going around town spreading the stories that her mother is telling (the ones that we proved were not true). And she is calling me a whore and saying that we had an affair and that's why her parents divorced. She's also saying that I'm with her dad because of the money. Which is ridiculous. I did not have an affair with their dad. I didn't even meet him until his divorce was already in process and we didn't start dating until after it was final. In addition, I owned my home before I met my DH (which he moved into once we got together) and I made more than my DH up until last year so this is something new that's being thrown in for whatever reason. We heard all of this from a very trusted family friend and the entire conversation happened in front of another family friend. When the family friend defended us my SD stormed off. My SD knows that this friend is very close to our family.
I'm not sure how to handle this. My husband is extremely hurt and angry about the things his daughter is saying. He is most angry about her literally calling me a whore than any of the other stories she's telling. I'm at a point where I don't think that addressing it will help BUT considering that she knows how close this friend is to our family and at the beginning of the conversation my SD asked our friend "do you still go over to my dad and stepmoms house alot?" and our friend said yes. My SD has to know that this is going to be shared with us. So, if we don't address it I feel like it's allowing her to walk all over us.
Please share your thoughts/advice!
Thank you!
Call her out on it. She is 15
Call her out on it. She is 15 and knows what she is doing is hurting people.
I would also have punnishments for her lying and being a "mean girl" because, let's be real, your SD is mean girling you. You will only be able to enforce it at your house, but do something about it.
Does your DH pay for her cell phone? Cut that off for a month. Suspend service. Hit her where it hurts.
She's definitely mean girling
She's definitely mean girling me! DH indirectly pays for her cell phone through support so we can't make a change there. The last time she came to our house was in April so we don't have anything enforcable that we can do. My DH doesn't push her to come because her behavior got to be so toxic when she was here and he punished her for it so she chose not to come back.
well then, not much he can do
He can stick up for you with others. And CS pays for a lot of things, including share of housing and rent.
Support payments are
Support payments are court ordered so there is nothing you can do there but any extras can be cut off. That includes gifts as well. People who deliberately harm you do not get gifts. It doesn't matter if they are 15 or 50 and the fact that they are blood related is irrelevant. If she is spreading this hatred and then rewarded with gifts just because she is breathing, what does that teach her? That she can do anything and that is OK? Great lesson! Her father can send a card or letter or call and tell her that he loves her and is thinking of her. If she asks where her gifts or extras are, she is old enough to be told that gifts are not automatic except for very small children and that until she stops actively trying to harm him and the other people he loves that she does not get the benfets from him.
This kid is a victim of
This kid is a victim of parental alienation, and I actually would suggest DH sit down with her and talk with her about what she's doing and why..
She's clearly caught up in her mother's anger at DH remarrying, and while it's not OK for her to do, punishing her will likely just make the alienation worse, and make it seem as if DH is choosing you over her (which is probably what's she's hearing).
Not to say that she should just get away with it, but it should be addressed by DH, with some understanding that the kid is being manipulated.
He also does need to protect you from the campaign the ex is waging against you through SD.
You hit the nail on the head!
She is definitely a victim of parent alienation. My DHs dad has been saying that from the beginning when we started dating. He has wanted to sit my skids down and talk to them for several years but my mil keeps telling him it's not the right time.
My DHs ex didn't want him but she's angry that he found happiness with someone else. She recently screamed at him and told him he should kill himself for being with someone else. And this was done in front of his kids. I'm thankful he remains calm!
You make a great point... he needs to address it with the understanding she's being manipulated without saying anything about her mom. I think I'll recommend to him to reach out to his therapist and see if he can provide any advice on the wording that should be used. His therapist used to counsel my DH and his ex and then continued with my DH after their separation.
Thank you!
Scissors
Triagulation is a tool of the desperately motivated. Sadly, SD is just that - a tool to satisfy BM's warped sense of revenge for daring to be happy and live a fulfilled life. The people that matter will see the truth. They will also see BM's hand in it.
You and DH stand together, but it is up to him to relay the ground rules of behavior to SD. We went through a similar situation with SD (PAS'd by BM) and DH first tried to speak to her. Unfortunately, her coached responses were manipulative and she continued to spin the lies and denial. Talking was a tail-chase because she's been trained by BM to cry victimization and create avoidance of responsibility for her behavior.
DH then wrote SD a letter..."she can read the letter over and over and maybe it will sink in." He asked her to be accountable for her behavior. He also reiterated that he loves her unconditionally, but she will not be able to manipulate him, control him and create lies.
We're pretty sure SD read the letter to BM and we haven't heard from SD since. There have been more instances of SD triangulating, but it is all backfiring. Sadly, BM has been effective at completely alienating SD from DH. Bitter BM's never consider the long-term damage they are doing to their own children. They're blinded by their own bitterness and PAS is like a contagion without much hope for cure. I hope your therapist has blended family experience.
"Never feel guilty for cutting someone off when they handed you the scissors."
My DH also nipped the
My DH also nipped the triangulation in the bud and SS was alienated for over 3 years. He now speaks to DH, though barely.
The key is that DH refused to allow SS to abuse him on BM's behalf, and OP, your DH has to refuse to allow SD to abuse you, too.
He can be loving, but firm.
Don't do anything.
Don't do anything.
If you address it with her, what do you imagine will improve? She will deny it, there will be a blowup and you'll all still be at odds, but she will now know she's getting to you. If you prove to her the rumors are getting back to you, she will just start more rumors. If you give her no reaction and act as if you never heard any of it, why would she keep trying to besmirch you?
And anyway, the people who know and care about you know the truth. The best way to stop this in its tracks is to do nothing. People do bad things because they a reaction they want. Don't give her that. Just be above it. The more you deny or fuss, the more reason she has to keep it up.
And finally, the worst thing you can do to someone is ignore them. You want to get to her? Ignore her. That will drive BM and SD crazy. Maintain your dignity and be above their petty meddling. I know this might be hard to do, but I guarantee it works.
That's how we have approached it...
For the last year we have been igoring the stories, etc. that have been told by my SDs to my DHs family. But now the stories have intensified and have been going on for about a year that we know of. Their BM plays the victim and fabricates stories and she as been doing that since she and my DH divorced, first just about DH and then about DH and me. We never acknowledge any of that. However, I do think there is a limit to the things my SD says before something is said to her. The stories are not stopping, they are spreading to outside of the family, and there's name-calling. I have been on the fence as to whether or not it's time yet.
What I believe it will accomplish is that she will know that her dad and I are a united front. She is sharing these stories with people that she knows will tell us what has been said. If she chooses to continue to tell the stories that's up to her. They may intensify, an again that's up to her.
I think your DH (without you)
I think your DH (without you) should have a conversation with his daughter to correct some misconceptions she has.
And that's the way he needs to describe what she is spreading around
SD, I have heard from several people that you have been discussing me, my wife and our relationship. Unfortunately, the information you have been discussing is not correct. You are 15 now and old enough to hear at least some of the truth about things. I'm not sure how or where you got the false information, but I am going to set it straight for you right now. Your mother and I were separated at her request and we had filed for divorce before I met SM. I did not date anyone, including SM until my divorce to your mother was finalized. SM in no way shape or form was the cause of my split from your mother because that happened before I even met SM. I'm sorry that you have so much resentment against me and my wife, but nothing that happened was anything to do with you or my relationship with you as my daughter. I hope that you will realize one day that I have never tried to hurt you and that SM has not either. I hope we can have a better relationship in the future. But, I want to be clear that my relationship and life is not a topic that I want to hear you discussing with others. You clearly don't know the reality of the situation and what you are saying is hurtful and without merit.
Agreed!
That's what I'm thinking too. Our family friend asked my SD if she asked her dad for his side of the story. She said only her BM had talked to her. I think he needs to do just what you said, alone.
Need more information
YOu say you used to earn more than him, but you do not now. Did something happen?
Yes...
I have a violent ex that was threatening my children. I changed jobs so that I would have the flexibility to be home when they got off the bus. We've had orders of protections in place for 4 of the last 5 years but that didn't stop the threats. I make less money than I previously have but now I make about the same amount as my DH.