Family wedding, lazy sk aged 22 & 13 still expect we play taxi for them
so one of my hubbys nephew is getting married in a few weeks, we will be driving interstate on Thursday afternoon as the wedding is friday morning and saturday there is a reception.
Hubby messaged his eldest daughter if they wanna come and she said the younger sister has tuition on thursday and friday so they will get the interstate bus on saturday
heres the kicker is hubby offered to pick them up at the bus station( its a friggin detour) as it always is and our 2 toddlers get extremely car sick and vomit and expecting they be on an empty stomach to minimise any food or liquids being vomited out and pick up these sk.
so i feel i’m within my right to say he can drop me and kids at wedding and he can go after to pick girls up, our kids need to be in car for the least time possible as his family home isn’t that far from the wedding place.
2nd issue, there is a chance they will last minute decide they are free thursday and want hubby picking them up. Boy do i have hell planned, their home is an even bigger detour and everytime our toddlers have both vomited on me so if hubby (which he will, tells me he is picking the girls on the way) i will not get ready Thursday, i will simply stay home and tell him to go alone.
because he never discussed as a family his plans when it affects us as usual. He expects we make ourselves available and come for the ride smiley faces and all.
hubby never wants to go to a family gathering without me and kids. He knows they will ask questions as know something is wrong.
Other issue, i had asked hubby we go back home right after weddig on saturday, his 2 daughters if getting the bus will likely go back home that afternoon and i know hubby will suggest offering driving them back home without telling me knowing full well our 2 toddlers get real sick (20min detour off the highway at least plus another 20mins to get back on plus few more mins for them to say bye etc and grab their things so another hour almost in the car with 2 sick toddlers and me).
wedding is several days before we fly overseas to my home country and i have always tried to avoid these arguments and standing up for ourselves to avoid us being angry and upset when it should be an enjoyable holiday to destress.
why does it have to be this hard?? I seriously had hoped my husband had learned after the last 2 big fights we had that as a family anything that involves us, our schedule and activities and any changes or plans, he needs to tell me in advance when he knows these things are happening.
so here i am patiently waiting to see if hubby will mention in advance what the plans are and if not the day before i will specifically ask what the schedule is and hubby will be expected to stick to it and he can separately pick up the daughters after we have gone to his family home because he never advised me of any changes and since now he has offered to do all these extras and affect our travel plans or he can prioritise driving interstate to pick up his girls and me and kids will stay home
believe me hubby knows how much deep shit he’ll be in with that last option because no doubt he will go pick the girls ask how i am and give a sob story about how sorry he is but i am not buying it. Something like this which he has done all the time before had already made me threaten him with since i am resuming my uni studies this year and out daughter will start kindergarten next year, that i wouldn’t fly back home with him after our trip back to my country because i needed to focus on us and hubby knew that would meant our marriage would be on the rocks... benefit though is our kids have my citizenship so if we are residing in my country for at least a year, any divorce will be heard in my home country.
I just wanted things to not get stressful just before our trip back to my country but something always comes up.
eldest sd asked hubby if her brother is coming along. No mention of me and kids because of fake game they played previously how they care about our kids (their half siblings buying over the top presents and then never making any contact or effort to see us)
i have mentioned to hubby no more presents, what our kids need are involved siblings and if they will not make an effort for this, all the presents in the world from their half sister mean nothing but to avoid drama and upsetting the 2 daughters i know hubby never said anything so if these girls rock up again with pressies, yeay i will be seen as the baddy saying to hubby i thought i made it clear numerous times no more presents, our kids are not gonna be spoilt brats and if your kids can’t make an effort to have a relationship with our kids, why slap them in the face with these pressies??
Ss20 is due to be back home in next few days
he will be coming for wedding and as usual his presence ruins everyones vibe. When the 3 kids of ex are together they play fake happy family excluding us (me and our 2 kids), i just don’t want to be present at all.
Ss never is on time, i have told hubby in future ss is expected to be on time or we leave promptly and leave his arse home or whereever. He is one person who can easily be on time but chooses not to and make everyone wait. With 2 toddlers hating car rides and getting carsick, we do not need some adult who just delays things on purpose
now i just don’t want to be around at this wedding faking smiles with 3 sk intentionally alienating us and faking happy family with hubby. Vibe is always negative and like so many stepparents here say feeling like a 3rd wheel.
i don’t go, in laws ask questions as this isn’t normal and they will suspect marriage issues and sk issues are the problem and our kids deserve to be able to attend a cousins wedding but sd 22, ss20 sd13 just kill any mood vibe or happiness.
I have bit my tongue and kept my peace just for hubbys sake only to feel like he never does stand up for me and our kids fully but tries to indirectly insinuate things instead of just saying the truth.
these kids have major PAS against hubby from the lies she brainwashed about hubby. You can see and feel the tenseness around always, its just torture to witness
I am confused
So DH has a nephew getting married, and how would you expect the 13YO to get there? Maybe I misunderstand. You want him to miss the wedding?
13yr old sd lives with sd22
sd22 has her own car just chooses to have hubby (her dad) play taxi and pick her up. I’ve made it clear before they can come to train station closest to our home as no train station is on the way or hubby can pick them up separately because there is no compromise from them with our sick toddlers.
since having my son, my car sickness has never left too so its even worser when 2 toddlers vomit on me on the way to picking them up
13YO
Still Dad's responsiblity to get her there. Does not sound like either you or DH wants to compromise.
I have always been expected to compromise for the
3 sk but there is never an ounce of understanding or compromise from them with our 2 toddlers conditions.
I don’t want hubby to miss he wedding
i’m just frustrated nothing is discussed or planned in advance the moment hubby knows it and i’m told the day before or given excuse “its on the way” and i’m expected to make myself and 2 toddlers available
it feels like hubby plans it always this way for the last minute shock factor so i can’t hesitate or say no!!
the 3 sk always alienate us and just ignore us and pretend we aren’t there and its even more insulting i just be expected or demanded by hubby to be there and act like everything is ok.
Its always Sd13 can’t go with us or meet on so and so day because of this and that activity but its never “well that won’t work because our 2 toddlers get real sick and its not fair on them” but its always “ok yes thats fine we’ll do it on the day sd13 is free or pick you up from so and so place. Its actually hubby that agreed to this with no discussion from me but expects and demand i make myself available, no compromise whatsoever for our toddlers.
after having that argument time and time again it still happens again
You know his pattern
the old tell at the last minute and you go along with it. Next time say no, tell him this wont work for our toddlers, or whatever. He obviously favours the needs of the first family kids, but you dont have to. So what he gets mad if you say no. Someone has to put your kids best interest first, and that someone is you.
The first time saying no is the hardest, but after that the "NO" becomes easy. Let DH argue with himself, you walk away and stand your ground. These DH's who place their "first family" on a pedastol makes me sick! Good luck.
I would certainly tell him
I would certainly tell him that YOU will be the one driving.. he can look after the puking toddlers in the back seat..
Other than that.. I don't know.. it sucks that plans can't be set in advance.
Unfortunately i do not have my drivers licence yet
thats a work in progress to be done by end of this year. So i’m always stuck with 2 toddlers and at times both vomiting at same time on me or around me. Hubbys idea of telling me in advance is on the way or the day before, after i’ve struggled to prep things for our outing
Have you tried Dramamine for
Have you tried Dramamine for the toddlers? That doesn't solve your DH issues, but might help make car trips more pleasant. We've found it effective for SO's 3 year old who gets motion sickness. We even used the stuff for kids before she turned 2 (with her doctor's OK)
We have been given motilium
By the dr and they gave the most highest dosage they could to help but still we have vomiting
something in hubbys family as a few kids had this and no anti nausea meds or anti stomach spasm meds helped. Some of my inlaws said the kids eventually outgrow it around 6 years old but thats another 3-4 years at least
we never have this vomiting issue in my country as the roads are much better surfaced
So much
theres a whole lot of issues in this one post. The toddlers being sick isn't your DH's fault. How will they handle the plane ride?
Plane flights never have been an issue
Its the car ride where we live roads are super bumpy and windy to drive anywhere and pick up his kids
our toddlers being sick should be of hubbys concern as they are his bio kids too and its selfish of him to expect we make every and all compromises just to pick up his kids to go to events and that hubby put us through that knowing full well he can suggest other things.
eldest sd said she was happy to get the bus interstate and bus isn’t that far from the wedding place but nope its hubby will pick them up... forget your 2 toddlers vomit in car rides?
Are you crazy?
LEAVE YOUR POOR KIDS AT HOME!!!!!!
I am baffled why you would drag two little carsick kids to a wedding they are too young to even enjoy. It's downright cruel. What kind of parent would do that???
Why not just get a babysitter or skip the wedding? You could avoid all this skid drama, your poor kids won't suffer hours of nausea, and you have a perfectly good excuse for not going. I honestly don't know how you can put your kids through that...and trust me, I don't even like kids and I am appalled you'd even think of taking them.
But if you insist on dragging your kids there, at the very least put down your foot with your husband -- the drive must be directly to and directly from -- no detours, no stops, no extras with two puking kids in the backseat. The skids already have an alternate plan to get there and back, so tell him the plan is set and there will be no last minute accommodations for anyone other than you, him and your two toddlers. PERIOD.
You have to open your mouth and demand what is right for your kids. At least if you insist on torturing your kids with a long drive, don't make it worse by letting your husband or skids make it longer.
Geez, good judgment is a commodity these days.
Nope not crazy
everyone guilts me that poor fil who is in his 90s and can’t travel far misses me and our toddlers so everyone always wants us to come for him as he’s always at these gatherings and they’re afraid he could die any moment based on age alone.
hubbys family childhood home is about 20min drive to the wedding so its always been we go straight there then following day to wedding for these sorts of events to try minimise the toddlers getting sick. We make similar accomodations to minimise them getting sick
everytime we pick up skids and expected to compromise solely for them its oh we need to refuel car, they need to stop for a pee because never went before despite car ride being a 1-1.5 hour from their home and now my 2 sick toddlers have to wait at a petrol station with strong petrol fumes then its skids need to take their time buying snacks and drinks at petrol station and try feed my kids despite knowing we have a rule no eating or drinking inside for the short trip to where we need to go.
sk ignore this car rule of ours and eat and drink which makes both my starving kids angry and crying and me dealing with it.
now i am literally on standby in carwith 2 plastic bowls to catch their vomit and i’ve started to just say to hubby this is bloody ridiculous it has to be this way for holidays with the family here and these family events. Where we can we go by plane as its doable but anytime its with skids hubby expects compromises are always made by me and kids and never says to skids “well actually our 2 toddlers get real sick so if you want to come along you need to meet half way or respect our car rules as we plan everything to the dot.
i have to resort to strict cut off times for formula/solids and giving meds based on time we depart and should arrive at said location and when these skids make no compromise or understandings whatsoever, our time os thrown out by often 2 hours so there are our toddlers for a4-5 hours no solids or liquids
Skip the wedding. Best thing
Skip the wedding. Best thing for step-mom to do at weddings--either go looking like Sofía Vergara in a red dress and play the flaming 2nd wife to the max., or avoid the whole thing and plan a spa day with friends, people who actually care about you.
The life of a SM can be “death by a thousand paper cuts.” And the examples you just gave in your post speaks to this.
I saw go
Pick up the skids and let the toddlers throw up all over the siblings. Don’t warn them.
Just let the skids sit near the kids and let the bard fest begin. They won’t ask for a ride again.
I can just visualise it now
both toddlers vomiting on sd22 & sd13 and hubby asking i get them because his poor kids with ex got vomited on and oh where are the baby wipes and me going
“nahhh this is what happens when you demand we make ourselves available for these family events, detour to pick up kids from exwife (further lengthening an already uncomfortable trip) then your kids feeding our toddlers or eating and drinking in front of them knowing full well hey will cry wanting those things and when there is food or liquid in their stomach that they will vomit it out” then me putting my earphones on to silence the eeews and gagging faces of skids.
but i’m not cruel to the point i would actually just close my eyes with my toddlers being sick and upset at what just happened.
Its just frustrating trying to get this through hubbys head
i’m just feeling like the suggestion i tell hubby this just isn’t fair on our kids they be expected to put up with this for others selfish demands/expectations and since i know hubby wants to get skids along the way which from prior history we know how things will be that staying home is the best option.
After going back and reading
After going back and reading all of this.. I actually think you might want to reconsider attending. YOu have toddlers.. 2 and 3 years old. They are very unlikely to have any memories about this specific day. Them going isn't going to really benefit THEM.. ESPECIALLY since riding in the car makes them ill. I mean, they are going to be uncomfortable.. unhappy and won't enjoy the day anyway.. or make any meaningful connections with relatives.
So, it seems very simple to say.. "The kids have not been feeling well and get so carsick in the car that DW had to stay home with them. She is so sorry she couldn't make it."
I mean, this isn't an event for your side of the family.. so you missing it is not as big of a deal. The kids DO get sick... the trip will make them miserable. They are too young to appreciate the significance or really remember it. Then tack on the whole issue with the skids.. ughh... I would just pass.
And.. people who will gossip mean spiritedly will do it whether you are there or not. They will look for signs of strain on your face and say the same dang things.. so why bother?
I think i’ve just
felt at times my toddlers can meet their cousins same age as them and play together at these events as everyone is too busy the rest of the year working for our kids to catch up but then when you have all the above, your mood just isn't there to attend these events for that 1 minor event
then i feel guilted that this is my kids 1st cousins wedding and they want to have our kids present and i don’t want my kids robbed off not being there at these kinds of important family events but then everytime i try to find a solution to managing our kids car sickness and vomiting but its still 90% of the time they vomit i do get to that point like this shouldn’t be happening in the first place when there are others who can compromise and not guilt us but just don’t
Repeat after me ...
There will always be a next time.
Other weddings, other christenings, other family get togethers.
Now take a few steps back from the situation and take a long look. Now take your toddlers out of the equation. See how much better it suddenly got? No puking, no negativity, no STRESS. Sit this one out. Stay home and have a fun day with your toddlers and tell your DH that they'll be a bit older next time and might be less car sick. Also remind everyone that they're welcome in your home too
Don't go. Relax and enjoy a nice day with your littles.
Your kids will likely outgrow
Your kids will likely outgrow the carsickness. There will be plenty of weddings when they are old enough to enjoy them and not have to be sick for hours getting there. This is your very justifiable out for not dealing with your husband and skids.