Happy stepfamilies in the media
So posting pics of mom/stepmom dad/stepdad with skids altogether with some mushy quote about all loving each other seems to be a trend right now. Thoughts on this?
Edit to clarify: the pics have both bio mom and stepmom and/or stepdad with bio dad, not just husband wife and kids
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I don't ever know whether to
I don't ever know whether to believe it or not.
DH and I have fmaily pictures with the Skids. I do view them and care about them as my own. So we're a fmaily unit....
BUT, a lot of the time when I see those pictures, I'm still skeptical. IDK if Stepmom/stepdad is too afraid to voice thier real opinions, if this is being forced on them, or if it's genuinely a good situation. I think these situations are rocky and it's stupid to sit there pretending everything is hunky dory when in reality it mgiht not be.
I also had a friend on Fakebook post a picture of her three year old holding a sign saying "Mommy and Daddy are getting married." I didn't know what to think... The three year old has a dad... The mom (not even sure why we're friends on facebook... The now ex is friends with DH and they used to have a combined FB) literally took the kid and ran like 6 or 7 months ago. Moved her accross the country and then painted her ex a criminal for "walking out on them"... And now it seems she's forcing a "new dad" on the kid... So while tons others will be all "awwwww!!! What a good blended family situation!" That just goes to show, a lot of the time there's a LOT more going on behind the scenese than people ever realize.
That's kind of my gut
That's kind of my gut reaction is that most of the time there is something going on behind the scenes too
SM
has probably purchased dye packs.
PAI nailed it.
PAI nailed it.
I take the photos with a whole bag of salt. Unless I know both sides of the story, I'm not going to have much of an opinion because there just isn't enough information.
I wish other people would do the same with their comments. "Now THAT is how you co-parent!" Really, do you know those people? Because if you don't, you have NO IDEA whether they are good co-parents. Or just good parents.
Yeah that's exactly how I
Yeah that's exactly how I feel. I also feel like it puts a ton of pressure on us as stepparents when in reality having that much contact is not always healthy, especially dealing with narc BMs. I feel like in our situation less contact means less tension and fighting in front of the kids which is the best option with HCBM.
Honestly, I have yet to meet
Honestly, I have yet to meet ANY blended family that has lived like those pictures long-term. Sure, I know some families where they can take joint pictures, or they can sit together at concerts, or say something nice about the other parent.
But have everyone be on the same page and everyone live in harmony? Nope.
The picture/story that creeps me out most is the one about the XH coming and making breakfast with his toddlers for their mother on her birthday or whatever, and he makes the boldly stupid statement that THIS IS HOW YOU RAISE YOUNG MEN, GUDDOMMIT!
Dude, that's creepy as f**k. Want to teach your sons to respect their mother? Help them make her a card. Give them a budget and let them pick her out some flowers. Help them make her cupcakes. But don't go in HER house and use HER kitchen to take her breakfast in bed. The last person I want in my bedroom is my ex.
All this sh*t teaches people is that 1) kids are the most important things ever above all else forever and always, and 2) second relationships need to be fit into the new poly-style first relationship. Mom and Dad don't sleep together anymore, but they are still married in other ways. Just, no.
Yeah I feel like its sending
Yeah I feel like its sending a really confusing message to kids actually about how relationships work....come to think of it BMs parents acted like that and she has always needed to have more than one man at a time. And now thinks that despite everything she did to DH she should be part of our family. Also, I was a teen when my parents split and it made me very uncomfortable when they crossed lines when they were both dating other people and had wayyyy too much contact "because they had kids." I knew that wasnt really what it was and that they weren't over the relationship 100 percent. I would imagine for a younger kid it would be really confusing to have that lack of boundaries.
That story made my hair raise
That story made my hair raise, and the comments were even worse! Seriously dude, that’s the only way you know how to raise good men? By showing them a relationship with zero boundaries or consideration for anyone else asides from the kids?
And the people commenting, cheering for how amazing & wonderful he is, meanwhile all I could think was ‘dude HAS to be single, cause no way is a new gf gonna tolerate THAT’. Gross.
Also...if were putting the
Also...if were putting the kids first all the time when is that supposed to stop? When they turn 18? When they have kids? Never? How does that translate when they are adults?
I in general dislike them.
I in general dislike them. They are so generic and plastered around with ignorance to reality. There’s pressure that if you can’t do the same clearly you don’t love the kids.
The ONLY time I feel “accepted” by BM is when she wants to parade us around for stunts like these.
“Look what a wonderful mother I am, see how amazing I am because I co-parent.”
It’s all about HER image. Then behind closed doors it’s her kids, her way, and how dare you make her follow the order.
It’s no different than the prefect family pictures you see on the walls of homes where kids are being badly abused.
It’s a single image that someone proudly post and the world forces people to live up to or else you’re failures. Yes SOME people can get to that point and it’s great but that’s not everyone and more important if it’s not you it doesn’t mean you don’t “love the kids”, aren’t “putting them first”, or any other crappy subtitle that gets put on it. Children can do just fine with two loving but completely separate households.
I also worry about what all this does to kids who see it and read “if you love your kids”. What if their parents can’t do that…. Clearly according to this mommy and daddy don’t love them.
I really think that a blended
I really think that a blended family is not one family. Separate units and it’s easier to function in it while you understand that. Not trying to be something we are not.
And those pictures of blended families on Facebook and etc make me roll my eyes each time lol
And I do feel pressure because I can see how other people expect me to feel about the skids. Dh included. I get it he loves them and automatically thinks I would too but I don’t. The same way I automaticly think he loves our little boy more...but he loves them equally.
BM and all the other family automatically think I have to love them as my own since I’m married to dh. Makes me feel guilty sometimes but I don’t care most of the time.
BM is nice but I can see what behind the “niceness”. And we are separate families. Dh wasn’t invited to his kid bday because she said “it’s gonna be weird” and he didn’t see them on Father’s Day last year because “me and their stepdad taking them to a baseball game and you have no court order yet” but she will act and tell everyone how great they co parent and no one is hurt. Sure.
I have an old boyfriend who
I have an old boyfriend who has an adult daughter. He recently married. He posts so many pictures of the three of them sooooo happy. I finally just asked him, HOW DO YOU DO IT????
As it turns out, he said integrating his daughter with his wife was not easy, but he checked his daughter early on when she acted out letting her know attacking SM wasn't OK. Since then, he said it has been pretty great among the three of them.
So again, it appears it's possible, but not when dad is crippled by guilt and too scared to tell his kid "no."
Perhaps I married the wrong man.
I think at times stepparents
I think at times stepparents can get along with the skids just fine, especially if they are adults and never lived with them. But stepparents skids and bio parents all playing happy family together? Noooo.
And yeah if the kid isn't open to the idea you're really screwed. My DH actually has told SD she needs to respectful but she still does not want any other arrangement then her being the only person in daddy's life and being the absolute center of attention. Cant force a relationship she doesnt want.
I am convinced the key to it
I am convinced the key to it working, even if only on a surface level, is the bioparent BEING A PARENT and giving that "be respectful" speech to their kids.
My sister-in-law's parents divorced because of an affair. Her dad was very strict. Her dad married his mistress and my sister-in-law didn't love her, but not one of the kids in that family ever uttered a single word against their stepmother. BM, dad and new wife all came to family weddings, christenings, etc., for many years and there was never a scene, just stiff politeness -- which I'd say is a successful step relationship after seeing my own marriage nearly sunk by a hateful SD.
And I'll add this...when the dad was on his deathbed, both his wife and ex-wife were by his side. Some years after he died, the stepmother became very ill and who was by her bedside? Yea...the woman whose husband she stole.
So it's possible to get past this stuff. But as I said, the dad in that family made it very clear he wouldn't tolerate ANY bad behavior from his kids toward his new wife. Because of that, they could all be together at family events, and in time, they all found a way to see some value in each other. By the time they were dying off, they could be together and the ugly stuff was long over.
This is what happens when a firm parent demands and expects civility. They get it.
Oh man theres no way I would
Oh man theres no way I would ever be that close to BM lol. Im polite but it's with firm boundaries. Businesslike I'd say. Not just because shes the ex either - she just has a narc personality type I want nothing to do with in general but its necessary on occasion. I cant imagine her ever being by DHs bedside either but then they were never married and really only attempted to be together because she got pregnant and the DNA test came back as it being his. Its probably different if there was true love and caring at some point and it just didnt work out.
If you look on SO's or my FB,
If you look on SO's or my FB, you'll see adorable pics of him, me and his cute little daughters. If you look on BM's or her BF's FB, you'll see adorable pics of BM, her BF, his son and SO's daughters. Two happy families with two kids in common. Totally real. SO and BM have many common FB friends who see his girls as part of two separate families. But NEVER will those friends see SO, me, BM, her BF and the kids in a picture together. We're not one family and don't want to be.
I take any happy couple
I take any happy couple/family pics I see on social media with a grain of salt. If you're so happy and in love then why do you have to post it and tag each other trying to prove to everyone how happy you are? Both of the women who were recently murdered by the loves of their life in Colorado had seemingly perfect lives online. Stepfamilies who are posting about how happy their families are because of their maturity in coparenting make me gag just a little. I'm silently judging them because they sure as h#ll weren't mature enough to stay married but now everyone is best friends...yeah right.
Happy little liars is what
Happy little liars is what that is! I'm with the others on here. I don't believe that any of them are as happy as they image they are trying to portray. It honestly sounds like something BM would do to post on her fb to show/brag about how great she is while we all know that she doesn't truly "coparent" like she pretends to. Just like when she had me walk out on family night with SD this year. That wasn't for me (trust me I didn't want to, only went to support DH) but I'm sure she wanted to look like a saint. Look how nice I am to SD's SM. *bad*
Yeah the thing I really dont
Yeah the thing I really dont get about those posts is the sole purpose of them seems to be to brag about how great they coparent...its not even just a family event they were all at or anything and the picture happened to be posted. Its screaming in everyone's face look how wonderful we are. Obnoxious.
Fully depends on the
Fully depends on the situation. Me and DH are close with my ex and his wife, I don’t think we would do family photos together (because that is just a bit weird) but we are all friends. I talk to my DD’s SM all the time, and we hang out, do combined Halloween’s and bday parties. My DH and ex are friends too and will go play hockey together and have even taken my DD and groups of her friends out together. We have been broken up for ages and no hostility- it is just how we have all always been.... it really is just one big family. I like SM she’s awesome.
My DH’s ex on the other hand is a freakin nightmare of epic proportions... GUBM, alienation. BPD...the whole 9 yards.