Am I wrong to want some boundaries ??
So, I am just wondering if i am being unreasonable, in wanting some clear boundaries with my in-laws and my husbands ex ( girlfriend not wife baby momma)?? Not only does my mother in law work with her and best friends with my husbands ex but now the ex is looking to move back to their home town and wants to buy a home right by them?? My ss is 16 almost 17 so its not like she needs help with watching ss.. i feel that this wouldn't be an issue if my mother in law had some boundaries with the ex. My husband and i have been married for 10 years almost eleven and together 5 years before that.
Maybe, I am being selfish in thinking my mother in law would want a better relationship with me than her sons ex?? After all my husband and i have a child together who is 7. How she feels she can have a close relationship with her when i don't trust her?? I do not keep my child from her but I also do not go out of my way to help them be close. I realize my MIL is an adult and can be friends with whomever she wants but i also feel if she loves her son she wouldn't do anything to cause issues in his marriage. It feels as if we go through this never ending circle of things are calm and fine as long as my ss and i don't have a close relationship, but the minute we are close my MIL and the Ex cant handle that.
You can set boundaries within
You can set boundaries within your own home and relationship. You cannot set boundaries for your Inlaws.. or anyone else outside your home.
You can set limits as to what YOU will do. As in, if MIL is inviting the EX to Thanksgiving... you don't have to go. Your SO can also set consequences for his mom if he feels she is having an innapropriate relationship or overstepping. BUT.. unfortunately, in your situation there is a lot going on that really has not much to do with you.
They work together. They have had a long term relationship and your MIL likely wants to be in good graces with the EX in part for access to grandkids.. oh.. yeah..and they WORK together.
I know my MIL maintains a decent relationship with my BIL''s EX.. and will be nice to my DH's EX as well.. they are the "mothers of her grandchildren and she will always be thankful they gave her these blessings.." barf. But.. she knows better than to even think these women should be part of our family celebrations.lol.
Unfortunately, you will just have to figure out how to navigate this. I know it's awkward.. but unfortunately, this isn't something you can control.
No you are right
I haev the same problem- only we are not married- just living together- and we don;t have any children together- so put that up against a 25 year-old marriage with 3 grown sons...and a MIL with a huge heart- Take control of what you can. Host celebrations and control the guest list. And be confident in yourseslf. You are the future and the present. She can't let go of her past.
Good luck!
Unfortunately
my inlaws are guilty of the same thing. BM speaks to my inlaws often and is all over their social media. Over the years it has not only made me uncomfortable but also H has not liked it either. He does nothing about it and he never will. She is closer to my inlaws then I am. I stopped caring about it because there are bigger issues than that. Unfortunately the only thing you can do is just deal with it. If your mother in law wants to be buddy buddy with your husbands ex then keep contact with her to a minimum. I barely have a relationship with my husbands family because they have always catered to BM and they have always favored my SD. BM snaps her fingers they go running. You’re not alone but I don’t say anything about it anymore because I’m just tired of fighting about something that will never change. Do you have family? Does your child have living grandparents on your side? Meaning your parents? I get the boundaries thing and that you should be respected as his wife but you can’t control what people do. It’s like banging your head against a wall.
Exactly what do you expect
Exactly what do you expect your DH to do about this? He can't make BM nor his mother quit their job. He can't tell BM where to purchase a house nor tell his mother that Mom now move out of her home.
With the exception of MIL was talking to BM at a sports game last fall, you've not really said what it is that BM and your MIL do that may affect your home. Perhaps if you gave some examples. Is BM being invited to join MIL, Dh and you along with SS to Thanksgiving? Christmas dinner? Is BM coming over to MIL's while you are sitting in MIL's home trying to visit? Is BM going out to lunch with MIL while MIL has your bio child over for the day.
Is MIL telling your SS to ignore you and that SS doesn't have to listen to you?
Yes, I'm sure the idea that your MIL's BBF is also the mother of your SS... but if this is the way it has been for almost 15 years, why is it suddenly bursting now. Is it really going to matter if BM lives 20 miles from MIL or a mere three blocks?
Is your DH sharing information with his mother who is then repeating it all to BM? That one is definitely something you can tell DH to knock off.
If SS is being hold responsible in your home for some poor behavior is MIL ratting Dad/you out to BM?
I think you are going to have to be a bit more specific to what the broken boundaries exactly are besides BM and MIL are buddies.
My Point is my husbands ex
My Point is my husbands ex wouldn’t want to live next door to them if my mother in law didn’t treat her like the daughter in law!! As I said my MIL can be friends with whom ever she wants but except that there will be consequences to that good or bad I don’t trust her they sit and talk about me and my family at work and I know this for a fact because things she has said have gotten us a call from BM !! BM tells my SS I am not his family my daughter who my husband adopted isn’t her family . Yet BMs exhubands family who isn’t related to my SS is his family???? Because they are his other two Siblings family!!! She says that he doesn’t have to listen to me and nothing concerning him is my business!! Well sorry but if the decisions she and my husband make affect my home children or finances it’s my business!!! my MIL supports that when she makes comments that it’s not important for as to be at my family events because he isn’t really related!! Sorry I was a step child and there is no step half in my home we are a family!! I have informed my husband that if BM starts showing up at family events we will stop going
But as long as your family
But as long as your family events are planned on Dad's parenting time, BM can't stop SS from attending.
And as to listening to you and/or doing what you ask of SS in your home, that's on your DH. It's his place to assure his son minds the adults in the home, follows the house rules and shows respect. Regardless of what BM tells SS. BM doesn't get to parent in your home. Only in hers.
Whether BM likes the fact your Dh adopted your self bio or not , it doesn't change the fact that the adopted girl is now considered legally the sister of his son. I am going to assume you have a CO giving time to your DH to have his son. So if you want to take SS to your extended family's on that time, you and DH can do so. You don't need BM's permission nor approval (unless perhaps out of state, for example).
Why not try ignoring what ever BM calls to b*tch about? Your Dh doesn't have to listen to her whine and b*tch. This kid is sixteen years old. It's a mere two more years and the young man will be deciding for himself who he visits, doesn't visit, spends holidays and events with et.
And stop telling MIL anything. And if MIL calls to give her 2 cents, pfft.... hang-up on her. She's being a busybody.
All they (BM and MIL) are doing is wagging their tongues and keeping you stirred up. At sixteen years old this young man knows who his family is. He knows where he is loved and welcomed at and where he might not be. Give the kid a bit of credit. BM can shout from the rooftops they you and your family are nobodies... that doesn't make it so.
EXACTLY!!! I get you!!!
I understand exactly what you are saying and how you feel about it!!
First I want to say I have seen many posts about the ex's hanging around and trying to still be a very large part of their ex-husbands lives. My question is WHY would you want to hang around with your ex's family all the time?? Answer: Because they don't want to move on and move forward. I believe that 99% of the time it is because they still want to be part of or in control of their ex-husbands life too. It's not just about the MIL and extended family....
Your mother in law should be trying to move forward and have a relationship with you. While I get this situation is a little different than most because of them working together, their relationship should really end there. Her son and his life should be a lot more important to her than nurturing her relationship with her former daughter in law.
I don't know your circumstances but especially if the ex causes issues for her son (your husband) . I never understand this. My MIL is the same way. My husbands ex cheated on him and caused a lot of trouble for my husband and still does to this day. His mother should not be close with her. The kids are adults she doesn't need the ex to see them. It is also the reason I can not be close to my MIL. You can't be friends with the ex and me it just doesn't work.
Sure many can say that you can't tell someone who they can be friends with that is absolutely true however I think we expect more from our mothers (your husbands in this case) and you don't expect them to be friends with our enemies.
I am sorry you are going through this, it is very hard to feel alienated. I have felt that way many times in the past. My step sons wedding was a nightmare!!!
Thank you!! You worded my
Thank you!! You worded my feeling dead on!!! Your right I do expect more from my family!!!
My MIL & BM situation is exactly the same.
This past summer, MIL & SIL invited BM (along with another xgf the SIL is friends with…that my DH cheated on BM with) to a family reunion. I was pregnant, had suffered many losses & am always trying to stay calm & cool during a pregnancy just because I’m terrified of anything happening. DH & I asked if BM would be there. We were told no. So I show up on a hot as heck day, with my own parents (also invited) so they could meet all my DHs family,& who shows up but the sleazy ex & BM. They said they knew we wouldn’t come if they told us. Um yeah no kidding. It’s a bloody jerry springer episode, which I’d like to avoid being involved in while preggers. Thanks for lying to me, during one of my most emotionally & physically vulnerable times in my life. I will never forgive them for it. I try to move past it, but it was my last straw.
So anyway, I get it. It sucks to feel second to an ex. It’s like, wait I am married to your son. You are my MOTHER in law. You’re meant to have my back & be a second mom to me. Where’s the loyalty to family? To your son? It’s just disappointing, for me at least. I wish I felt comfortable around my MIL, but I don’t. I hate going to any of their events now, I’m forever wondering if it’s going to be family or an xgf get together. You never know with them!
WOW
Just wow. That really and truly sux. Im sorry they did this too you and continue doing this kind of thing. It doesnt seem to get better ver time - people just think "shell get over it!" etc. "Thats the mother of my grandchild blah blah blah".
WEll so what. Do it on your own time.
It baffles me…
I cannot believe how many people have issues like this. It shocks me that there’s an entire portion of the population that defends it, saying MIL is doing it for grandchild. Well yes ‘grand’child, not actual child.
PS: I love the point in your own post about respectful people not needing boundaries. It’s so true.
learned that lesson the hard way
I love cheese too btw
Yup. Neither Toxic Troll nor her eldest Toxic Feral respect boundaries that others have had to put in place. For example, one morning Toxic Troll stormed into our home early in the morning yelling at us calling us A$$holes. Todic Feral used to just show up at 3 in the morning, withut a call prior to alert us, nor a text. She was no longer living with us at the time. Toxic Troll got mad at me for something she found out and texted me things like "I know I am better at blow jobs than you." priceless. And much worse. So, boundaries.
Mother-in-law woes
My particular situation is unique in that my MIL is 97, and is somewhat with it but moves quickly "out of it". She lives in her own home and is cared for by her children, who take turns, and often by her grandchildren. My then SO had his eldest caring for her, and around the time of MIL's birthday, started asking about Toxic Troll. She got on Ferals phone and invited her to the big birthday bash. I freaked, but what can I do? Then munchkin sd12 got excited abut her mom coming to the big bash, and I the evil stepmother squashed her enthusiasm by saying, no your mother is not invited - no one wants her there due to how she has treated your father". I know that was bad, in hindsight, it was a visceral reaction, and just jumped from my brain and out my mouth. She cried. I relented.
MIL has no knowledge of the abuse, cheating and divorce - plus shes the sweetest thing ever. She calls me by a different name than my own, but will kiss me on the cheek goodbye and tell me she loves me. Toxic Troll threatened DH with "I think Ill show up", which she knows upsets him. She never showed, but boy howdy did she get some excitement kibbles from that scene.
Toxic Troll is hated by the rest of the family. They only speak to her when she is in front of them, and out of respect for their nieces/cousins. Other than that, Toxic Troll is NEVER invited to family gatherings. Just the way I like it. I dont even want her to KNOW about family info such as who is having a baby, who is getting married. She had married into a really great family, and they are always having parties. After the separation, she was still brought to things like Thanksgiving (once), but she decided to eff it up by bashing DH and doing her normal "character assasinations" on him. Im like "seriously - you brought your supposedly ex to a family gathering after letting them know what happened to cause your separation? She threw them away in the trash when she threw her marriage to you away in the trash. Thats what THEY know, and you need to understand."
Boggles my mind.
I read some other posts you made. You need to create more distance from MIL. She is viewing the SS as her "blood relative", and even if your DH adopted your child, she is still not "blood", and to some that is a REALLY big deal. That is why MIL is cozy with BM. Toxic Troll, and Toxic Feral Eldest LOOOOOVE to trot that one out, when its convenient ie when it is being used to control, or bash.
Anyway, discussing you and your family with her "bestie" at work is way out of line, and your DH should have a sit down with her, pronto. Boundaries. Its all about creating and enforcing boundaires. Respectful people dont need boundaries. Good luck. I hope your MIL wakes up and chooses her son.
Again, my MIL can be friends
Again, my MIL can be friends with whom ever she wants!! She can invite her to whatever she wants however if she wishes to invite BM to family events my family will not be going or will leave and i will not let passive commitment slide on how our daughter isn’t very close to her!! That her choice!! It’s simple it’s not just me who isn’t comfortable with this my husband as well doesn’t like it!! I know that my MIL and I will never have a close relationship I don’t trust her!!
Your MIL of course can pick
Your MIL of course can pick her friends. BUT you are under no obligation to have a relationship with her. She can make her choices and so can YOU.
If your MIL is just going to be a pain in the a$$ you are free to just write her off. Block her and ignore her if that suits you. Of course be civil if your paths cross, but you can try hard to keep that from happening.
I adore my DH’s sister and her DH who live near us. But I rarely see them more than a couple of times a year. We all have active full lives. And that’s for people that I like and enjoy. If your MIL is a negative then put her at the very bottom of any list of priorities. She’s not your mother.
It is your DH that needs to
It is your DH that needs to put his foot down with his mother regarding boundaries with his XW. Why hasn't he done that?
Out line your expectations of him and push him to act.