Anxiety when SS8 Visits
Hi All, I have been having minor issues with my husbands 8yo son for a few yrs now and it’s turning into feeling very anxious and overwhelmed lately. I now have a 5yo and 18mth old with my husband, plus work full time so we are very busy. SS8 used to sleep over once a week on weekends but that’s now changed to fort nightly as it got too much. He is raised differently, and has a very entitled attitude for his age and my husband sees none of it as he feels very guilty about his previous broken marriage and the son not seeing him a lot - even though fortnightly is a very normal scenario.
Over time the visits have gotten on my nerves a lot, SS8 does not clean up after himself, grubby, terrible memory for flushing the toilet!! and uses very grown up language and words for his age - more like a teen. I get high anxiety about all his little quirks rubbing off on my kids as I have high standards for kids, I’m very attentive and caring yet firm with rules. The son responds to none of this as his mother is much more liberal. My husband resents me because I dislike him and make it obvious (i do the bare minimum of feeding and that’s it with his son) and have made very clear I do not want him ever to live with us (tricky as we have a large home and son has his own room). The BM hates us both and after 7 yrs of being with my husband she’s never done a thing to be amicable or civil and speaks a lot of negative things to the child about me and my husband. Problem is my husband does not shut her up and he lets it roll off his back every time she is rude or ignores my husband days on end for the fun of it. I’m very different I hate living in conflict and would have put an end to her behaviour a long time ago - but he won’t as he feels she’ll take the son away. I’m very over this and if I had known what I was going to live through when I met my husband I would have run a MILE. I hate having to be stuck in a situation of putting up with other people’s shit kids. I’m not the type to just divorce and move on as I don’t want to separate my own family but I’m at my wits end. Only light at the end of the tunnel is that BM and SS8 are moving overseas for minimum 12mths so it will be the huge break I need.
I feel horrible speaking like this but am sick to death of hearing stories about poor partners putting up with shit and step kids because “they should be put first as children” what about us??? Nobody asks for these situations and step parents get the shit end of the stick and NOTHING to show for it. We are expected to give and give and give. Any advice would be helpful - ignoring it so far has not been enough for me or my marriage.
I see this more as a DH
I see this more as a DH problem than a skid problem. The behaviors you are describing seem normal for an 8 year old, especially if both parents are unwilling to address them. Your DH allows his son to act this way. He allows BM to walk all over him. And, he doesn't see son as often as he should. These are all problems caused by your DH. And to make matters worse, he is putting some of the blame on you because you are unhappy with his son.
You say that BM and SS8 are moving overseas for 12 months. What is your DH's plan to see him while he is gone? Surely, he isnt going to not see his son for a whole year. Imagine how much crap BM will be able to fill the kid's head with during that time. You and your DH need to take this time to figure ouy how/when he will be visiting his son. It would also be a good time to work out some rules and boundaries for when SS8 returns. If you can't get your DH on board now, you are going to have even more problems as this child gets older.
Thanks completelypuzzled
Thanks completelypuzzled appreciate you responding. I do agree with you, my husband has a lot of growing up to do himself, parents out of guilt. He's the same with our two, loving yet very irresponsible and accomodating as a father, we have a typical good cop bad cop situation in our family, luckily my 5yo is sweet and inclined to cooperate and listen to me (for now).
When SS8 came weekly, my husband would leave him with me at home to take up unnecessary overtime at work (we could have done without extra money when his son visits) and play his weekly soccer game - no sacrifice of his own time for his son. He was raised very traditionally, if he has a wife, why do it yourself? Not an excuse, terrible attitude, but its true. So this abandonment of paternal responsiblity has been going on for years. And you can say I'v enabled it, but I did it from a good place, to help and cooperate as a partner - the whole time trying to explain the right away of doing things to him.
Along with this, BM hates my husband and I, and even though I have tried to reach out to her and ensure I was a good person and wanted the best for SS8 she never let up. She has family overseas and her extended trips with SS8 have always lasted months, my husband allowed it and never truly had an issue - if he didnt like it, he would have taken my advice and get a court order to stop her travelling for long periods. So this upcoming trip is history repeating itself. I am over the moon as I cannot stand the child, my home dynamic changes completely when he is over.
BM has been feeding the child crap about us for years, and he repeats things hence my anxiety over all this rubbing off on my daughter. My husband does nothing but feel bad for SS8 and doesnt say anything or even look up from his damn phone because he's "just a child". Thing is, I KNOW we will be facing a shit storm as this kid grows - thats my point I want it well away from me and my kids. I dont want this negativity infecting my family.
My husband has the emotional maturity of an ant and has no notion of whats to come. I am stuck and I have no leg to stand on. Can you believe we have had our home for 5 yrs, married for 4, and still have no will written up? Because my husband bought the home with the intention of dividing it by THREE not two, to include his son. It makes me want to gag just thinking of breaking my back for years to pay off a home that will go to SS8 when his mother is more well off than us. The whole thing is a mess and if it wernt for my children I would have left years ago. Apologies for the essay, it means a lot to find a forum to vent with people growing through similar things.
You are blaming the child
You are blaming the child when your husband is at fault. Shit kid? No, shit husband! You say your husband abandoned "his parental responsibilities', leaves you to take care of his child, doesn't parent, etc., etc. He isn't parenting his own kid when the kid is with you. There is no way you are going to influence the child's behaviour when he is only spending every second weekend with you. Fortnightly is not normal to me, 50/50 is more equitable and fair, but with your clear resentment and hostility towards this child, it is for the best if the skid sees so little of you and his father.
I understand that you are struggling but it is your husband who is not helping. Your stepson is the wrong target of your negative feelings which are actually justified. If you don't want to be "stuck in a situation with other people's shit kids", get divorced because you are married to a shit husband. You have made it clear you dislike your SS and your kids are better. Hopefully your husband will see you for what you are - especially towards his first child - and divorce you. Crap adults and parents don't get to blame shit kids for their shitty situation.
Your attitude is of the type of stepmom BM's have reason to hate, and use to paint us all as bad. Unfortunately your own husband is helping with the brush strokes.
JenJen
Thanks for taking the time to reply, you're right about DH palming off responsibilities. To explain the custody, reason there is no 50/50 is that DH and BM's agreement is only verbal, and since there is no civility between them BM has run the show most of the time.
I have to say, I feel disappointed with your response, it comes off as very harsh on a forum designed for step parents to vent. Still, everyone is entitled to their opinions and you've shared yours. I'm not a horrible person, I didn't start off like this, all my efforts went out the window as the two other adults in the situation wanted no part in it, so at this stage I'm running on empty. And I don't mean that I expected applause or a "you're right", but your last paragraph was quite a blow.
I dislike my SS, which I'm free to do, and never specified my children are better. What will my husband be seeing exactly? That I tried for years and have now backed off because my help obviously isnt needed? People back off from negativity every day - friends, partners, colleagues, how is this different?
And believe you me, BM has nothing to say becuase all I have done is try to be the glue that holds everything together, more like she is fortunate that DH has someone that made so much effort and put themselves out there for their child - something not everyone does.
The trouble is, you agreed to
The trouble is, you agreed to an arrangement that no longer works for you. You took on the child care in this "traditional" family, because perhaps you, too thought that was how it should go - then you found out that parenting a stepkid is a different beast.
You have the right to be fed up with the arrangement, but your DH is not going to like it.
I say, who cares if BM talks crap about you and DH and alienates the kid, you don't want him around anyway - that's DH's battle to fight. And I say that as someone whose stepson was lost to alienation - it sucks, but in your case, if DH isn't going to do anything about it, then you sure can't.
Focus on what you need to happen in your home - namely that you will not have SS at your home, even biweekly, if DH is not there. Period. He is the parent of the kid, not you, and if he has to work or play soccer, SS stays at BM's. DH will do all parenting and child care outside of what you might do for the whole family, ie, cook meals. You will not do any of that for SS, and again, if DH is gone, then SS goes back to BM's.
The truth is, your DH doesn't even have a relationship with his son, he just has him there because he's a piece of property that he thinks belongs to him. If he cared, he'd at least be there when the kid visited, instead, he dumps him on you.
You will need to take a stand here, regardless of whether DH likes it.
At the risk of sounding worse
At the risk of sounding worse than what I seemingly already do, I guess you're right, it doesn't work for me and never has. Just like the co parenting doesn't work for DH and BM, and being civil doesn't work for BM. I appreciate you validating my right to be fed up - I am.
I ignored BM for years, but when it affects how SS interacts with my kids and myself , where too from there?
Thing is, to 'be there' as he should is not just physically but also to be present, which DH is not. Its crap and I now ignore it, I used to be on DH's case all the time about being more present for SS. As daughter is now 5yo and can interact and play more, SS is brought over purely to play with his half sister, there is no one-on-one dad time, something I also advocated for. Spending time with siblings is fine, but I can see SS craves his dad's attention, like any child, so its a shame.
Tough thing in these
Tough thing in these situations is figuring out what you have control over and what you don't - and you can't control BM or DH. You can only control you and what you choose to do. That's hard to figure out out sometimes - what you can change.
You have received the good,
You have received the good, the bad and the ugly.
In your OP and your responses, do you see that your "D" H is the problem?
He is shirking his parenting time, he has no formal custody agreement...
He is person making stepparenting a nightmare and you are allowing it.
Empower yourself - hold your spouse to account for his actions, mostly lack of actions...
Read the blogs here.
Keep posting.
Ask questions.
Take the good and bad which you may need to see/hear, even if you don't like it.
This is not a BM problem or a SS problem.
This is an H problem.
He gets no D from me.
Letti R
You are totally right, I did know this but the way you have put it makes it so much clearer to me. I guess its part of the reason I am rejecting SS8 so much, because my H (yes lets drop the D!) is not in a partnership with me at all.
I thought I was empowering myself when I requested weekly visits to change to fortnightly once I went back to work full time, putting more of a physical distance between SS and my 'nuclear' family to avoid confrontations. Mind you, during this I made it very clear to my H that it if he wanted to see SS8 so badly, he was free to visit him/pick him up and go out together on the 'off' weekend. H has not done that in any off week.. that's why I dont feel bad for H at all, I give him advice and every opportunity to see his son even if its not all together but he doesnt want to.
I dont know what action to take from here.. but you have given me plenty to reflect on, thank you so much.
IMHO far too many people
IMHO far too many people mistake priority with responsibility when it comes to kids/Skids Vs the marriage/equity life partner..
The model I was raised with and that my bride and I emulate is that the marriage/equity life partner comes first and is the only and unequivocal top priority.
Kids are the top marital responsibility but never take precedence over the marriage/spouse.
This has worked well for us.
I too cringe when the “they should be put first as children” crap starts. Nope, they don't come first. Ever. Their care, feeding, wellbeing, etc... is the top responsibility but... spawn never come before the partners to each other.
IMHO of course.
Rags
IMHO?
I completely agree with you, though that model can only be implemented when both partners agree to it and believe in the benefits. Unfortunately Im alone in this thinking, and as per my OP we get caught in a good/bad cop scenario all the time. This is over trivial and significant things.. screen time and lack of boundaries, diet, basic manners, maintaining routine and encouraging chores on the children.
Its becoming clearer as I type that the problem is the foundation of my marriage and our many disagreements on child rearing.
Find Support and dont sacrafice yourself
Its always easier said than done, but I'd like you to know that you are in NO WAY obligated to be second or put skids before yourself. Being a step parent should not be about that. Make sure you have a support system and dont be afriad to distance yourself from the skid when you feel anxious. Find what makes you happy and comfortable. Your partner should respect your needs because frankly you do come first. anyone who says "children come first" are part of the problem with todays youth. There are great articles out there supporting this, I included one below. Anyone who tells you not to care about yourself or put yourself first should be ashamed of themselves. As humans, we cannot take care of others to the best of our ability without first making sure we are taken care of and in the best of places. They tell you on an airplane to put the oxygen mask on yourself first for a reason. There is no shame in it.
https://www.highlysensitiveparents.com/blog/why-your-children-don-t-come...
Panda88
Thanks a million, this was very consoling to read. Under the circumstances, what makes me comfortable is not having SS8 over, but this is also selfish. I dont mean this in a horrible way but I guess I assumed that SS8 would always be with BM, and not as involved in our lives (however silly this sounds, I am inexperienced and was very young when I met my H).
I also need to address my fears. They are that my children will not turn out the way I imagined (healthy, kind, well mannered and behaved, balanced grown ups), Also, I fear not coping with undesirable outcomes, such as having SS8 over more often, which is inevitable as he gets older. And, not having control over when H is looking after the children while Im at work/out of the house.
I will defintely look into the blog you shared.