Am I being unreasonable?
Hello.
My BF and I have been together 6 years. With live with my children and his D. His ex wife is emotionally volatile and undermines me to SD and my BF on a regular basis. She is only nice when it suits her.....for example when SDs behaviour was so bad here that there was the risk if her (SD) asking to live with her mother....this is not on her mother's remit. my BFsB ex wife sponges off my BF who has given her in total nearly half a million, continues to pay private school fees, pays mortgage and she gets all the rent (for which she doesn't declare tax). HeHhas refused totsell their marital home untiluDS finishesfher education asahe oromisedphis ex wife to keep her hapoy. His ex gets all the money, doesn't work and has no responsibility and the D lives with us.
My question is:
My SD wants him to go skiing with her father during the holidays and they would be staying with his ex wife and her BF as her BF has a ski challet they stay in during ski season. I'm not comfortable with this. I can't stress enough how one sided their relationship is. She says jump and he will jump to keep the peace as herhmelt downs effect everyone. My thoughts are that this will just feed what I personally think is an unhealthy and toxic relationship. It also reinforces to my SD that her father thinks her mother is more important than my feelings. His ex will know that I won't be happy about this which will feed her egoam I being unreasonable to say I'm not happy. Happy to hear any opinions on the matter.
Thank you all for at least reading my post
Whoops
Excuse all the typing errors. Curse of sausage fingers on a phone keyboard.
Why on Earth would your BF
Why on Earth would your BF even entertain this idea?
Personally, I am against any form of double dating with the ex. It's just one of those wacky rules that I have.
Ok, wow, that was a bit
Ok, wow, that was a bit confusing! But I gather that SD wants your BF to go stay in a ski chalet with BM and her BF, without you.
Hell no.
You are not being unreasonable, and if your BF goes, it's time to make him your ex-boyfriend.
Yes you go it
Sorry for the confusion. But yes, you got the gist. The rest is just background information on what a wholly in pleasant, money grabbing and manipulating charater BM is.
It's a no from me
I would tell my SO this is not ok, if I were in your situation. Your concerns are exactly what would worry me as well. This is above and beyond normal coparenting, and he needs to consider your feelings as well. I would have a hard time respecting your SO because of him being BM's whipping boy, if I were you....BM tells him to jump and he asks, how high? Very unattractive.
In a way I respect that he's
In a way I respect that he's trying to maintain a relationship.....very different to my ex who has tried to bankrupt me when we split, had family arrested and emotionally and verablly abuses me at every opportunity ....even after so long split.
My SO doesn't want SD to experience that sort of negative atmosphere; however what they have is more confusing and SD exploits it to get what she wants...like mother like daughter. I don't want to make life difficult, but I have a real issue with this
I wish DH and his ex could
I wish DH and his ex could get along, too. But not to the point where they go skiing together. Your SO needs to understand boundaries after divorce. He can say to SD, "Mom and I aren't married anymore, and so it wouldn't be appropriate for us to do a trip like that".
There is something in between verbal abuse and being besties.
Exactly. They can still get
Exactly. They can still get along. There's a happy medium in there somewhere.
Exactly. They can still get
Exactly. They can still get along. There's a happy medium in there somewhere.
Wow... sounds like he is
Wow... sounds like he is still in a relationship with her
Clarification
He would be staying BM and her bF in his chalet, but spending the days skiing with SD alone I think. It would be evenings they'd be playing happy families.
Still no.
Still no.
Is he saying you are being
Is he saying you are being unreasonable? We are all telling you that you are NOT being unreasonable (if Curious Georgetta comes along, just ignore her).
I'm not a jealous person at all, but NO. Just NO. You, BF and SD can go skiing together, or BF and SD can go alone if you don't want to go.
Tog is right, this is not
Tog is right, this is not about jealousy, it is just flat out inappropriate, and disrespectful to you. You are NOT being unreasonable.
You stated, "It also
You stated, "It also reinforces to my SD that her father thinks her mother is more important than my feelings."
From all appearances, that is absolutely correct, he does indeed think her mother is more important. I would not be OK with this. Is this really the relationship you want?
I would tell him
If you have even considered this way inappropriate ski trip then you are not able or ready to have a relationship with me or anyone else.
This is "hill to die on"
This is "hill to die on" territory. If your BF can't see how disrespectful to you and your relationship this is, then he's an idiot.
You are not being unreasonable at all.
No way.
No way.
And all of the sudden
EX,s BF can’t make it !! Only your SO, his EX and DD. Happy Family. How may ways of saying NO. If he goes he can stay with her
The BMs BF would be there. I
The BMs BF would be there. I'm surprised he's okay with it, but that's not for me to speculate. I'd feel wierd having my SOs ex staying with me!! The more I read everyone's comments the more I realise I have justification for saying I'm not okay with this.
SO is listening...he's just stuck between a rock and a hard place. I guess he needs to weigh up what would be more hassle....his ex and SD kicking off or me kicking off!!
He's not stuck between a rock
He's not stuck between a rock and a hard place. No one in their right mind goes on vacations with their ex-wife, so he has every right to refuse to do this. He just needs to grow a set and set boundaries on his daughter, that's the REAL problem. He's afraid of upsetting her. He'd rather upset you, than upset SD. And if you don't set limits on that now, it will go on endlessly, as many on this board can attest.
I think there is definitely
I think there is definitely an appropriate middle ground for co-parenting, and this goes way above and beyond what that appropriate middle ground is. There should be no sleep-overs or holidays together - ever. That's just way too much and, in my opinion, creates a false sense of hope for the kids.
In my situation, we are friendly with BM. She comes into our house for coffee when she picks my stepdaughter up, we chat about common interests, I've even lent her some books. We will attend SD events together, if possible (she lives 5 hours away). The three of us (DH, BM and I) attended SD's kindergarten graduation together.
But that's about the extent of our relationship. Friendly, cordial, and the only time we do things together is when it's directly related to SD. It's beneficial for kids to see their parents/stepparents getting along. It's not beneficial for them to have a false sense of hope that mom and dad will get back together because they're doing things alone together/doing things moms and dads in intact families do.
Sidenote...
Sidenote...
For SD's kindergarten grad, because they live 5 hours away, when they initially brought up coming to visit and attend, we were thrilled and said that's a great idea. Then they (BM and her mother) started mentioning things about staying the weekend with us, and we drew the line FAST. We said we're happy they're interested in coming but they'll have to get a hotel as we don't have extra space. That would be WAY too weird.
I don't think that it's
I don't think that it's normal (hollywood dysfunctionality aside) for EXes to continue to go on vacation together. CERTAINLY they don't share the same Chalet.
Your BF should be saying. "Honey.. this is your ski trip with Mom... we will go skiing together another time."
Even in the crazy hollywood blended family vacations, I'm certain that the parties have their own suites that are separate.. so there may be few photo Op's.. but they aren't "living together".
I suppose you could undercut this by saying you would go on the trip and you and he can rent your own separate place.. and see SD during the day for skiing some of the time?
Compromise
He's agreed to go skiing but stay in a hotel. He will have days with his daughter and evenings to himself to work.
That's good to hear. I'm glad
That's good to hear. I'm glad he listened to you and is taking your feelings into consideration.
In the future, I hope he can come up with these alternative solutions all by his big boy self.
I don’t like his solution.
This is BM & her BFs vacation. Let them take it & take SD along. Your guy has no place there, even if it’s just during the day for skiing. It’s still him on vacation with them, he’s just supposedly going to stay in a different place. For me it isn’t all about where he sleeps. For me it’s about giving skids false hope. It’s also about SD seeing her BM disrespect you & her father keeps taking BMs side. I can tell you from experience, your SD will start to treat you like the 2 of them. Do not allow people to treat you, like you don’t matter…because you do matter.
A situation this involved & inappropriate, isn’t going to change overnight. It doesn’t seem to me, that your man thinks it needs to change. I guess my question is, why did they break up? If everyone wants to hang out often & vacay together, why breakup? I feel these two should’ve stayed together & saved innocent bystandards from the pain of loving someone that doesn’t prioritize them.
my short answer is no you are not being unreasonable, they are.
No, you are not being
No, you are not being unreasonable. What is unreasonable is your SOP catering to his X to the tune of half-a-mil.