New and wondering
My DH and I have been married less than 3 years. My DH was widowed after more than 30 years of marriage. He has one grown and married daughter in her early 30s who lives in another state. I haven't had much contact with SD or her husband due to distance. What seemed like one small incident of hurt feelings blew up to the point that SD and SSIL seem not to be speaking to my DH or to me. Problem solved, right? Maybe, for some, except for the fact that it would be far nicer if we could all get along. In the process of all this, I have learned, in the words of my SSIL, that I have written "outbursts" (previewed and approved by my DH, btw) in which I have verbally "assaulted" my SD, and made "demands" (asking that our feelings be considered) which they aren't the least bit interested in (not expressed in such kind terms but anyway...). I therefore must learn to "control my *s* "(Are Depends Undergarments in order for me already?) because I am a "grown ass woman." (That ain't all that's grown.)
My sense of humor is starting to raise its head because it sometimes helps me to cope with difficult situations. From what I have been reading since this took place, no matter what I do as a stepmother, I will be wrong. I can be friendly and it can be seen as too friendly and/or intrusive. I can be distant and it can be seen as cold. I can be generous and it can be seen as trying to buy affection. I can be stingy and it will be seen as money hungry. I can deny that I am an evil person and it will be solely because I am a manipulative, evil person. And so on and so on....
I have read already that a lot of you are practicing disengagement. I'd like to know if anyone has tried humor and what the results have been. In other words, if you can't win at being good, has anyone tried being good at playing up bad? Bette Davis had a brief role in the 1989 film, Wicked Stepmother, as the wicked stepmother. If anyone could play a disturbing character, it was Bette Davis. Unfortunately, I think age interfered with her delivery by the time she took that role. However, I have assumed her image playing the wicked stepmother, "Miranda" as my own for this site. Bette Davis's character, Miranda, acted in ways that were deeply disturbing to her SD but she kept her DH blissfully happy. I have toyed with the idea of trying to fill the reputation that has been so generously given to me. I could start by making more sophisticated "demands" of my SD and her husband, like for a million dollars and a luxury condo in Hawaii, just to test out my new wicked stepmother powers. I could embarrass them with gleeful posts to social media on how a random test selected my sexual nickname to be "naughty kitty." I have been accused of trying to blame my poor DH for my ill ways. Perhaps I should lay claim to chasing him around the room whipping him mercilessly with a wet noodle and then brag about how much he likes it. Perhaps all this is just too much fun to think about. It gives me a smile in a dark time. But part of me wonders, would it work? Would humor help diffuse ugliness or only make it worse? Anybody have any experience in this area?
Welcome to the site!
With regard to your suggestions, honestly, I wouldn't bother, if I were you. We stepmothers are in the unenviable position that whatever we do or say, it is going to be seen in the very worst light, as you yourself acknowledge.
Just a small example from my own life. When one of my SDs was younger, and they were still coming around EOW (every other weekend), she left some stuff behind, then requested to stop by and pick it up. I was home on my own, and thinking to be helpful, I got the bits and pieces and when I saw NPD BM's car pull up outside, answered the door and handed them to SD. These actions were then reinterpreted by SD as "she threw the stuff at me and didn't invite me in", which is what she reported to DH.
I think any attempts at black humour by you, will be seen as further attacks on them by SD and her husband. If I were you I would disengage and stay disengaged.
Thank you for sharing your
Thank you for sharing your story about how you gathered your SD's items, handed them to her, and was accused of throwing them at her. It really does help illustrate how if someone is looking to take offense, they can find offense in just about anything.
I suppose I am still trying to understand the motivation for this. I have read that seeing her father move on in life may be hard for her, like seeing a final nail put her in mother's coffin. I don't suppose I need to understand it in order to understand something I was supposed to learn in al-anon years ago - "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it."
What were these outbursts and
What were these outbursts and what prompted you to write her? It's not unusual to be considered dads wife vs stepmom with older adult skis. It also could be extra tough considering her mom is gone. But if she was acting out why didnt your husband deal directly with her?
My DH has been feeling
My DH has been feeling neglected and ignored by his adult daughter and her husband in an assortment of ways lately. I am witness to his disappointment and it saddens me. Recently, I thought she had ignored a request he had made of her. My supposed "outburst" was a note to let her know that we were both disappointed about this. In retrospect, my DH should have authored that note. Because my name was on the source, the feelings were attributed entirely to me. As it turns out, she never recieved his earlier request so I likely phrased my note to her too harshly under those circumstances. However, the reaction to that note, we both feel, was extreme
We also live far away from my
We also live far away from my DH's family. Consider it a blessing. Now focus on removing your SD and SSIL from your mind as much as possible. The reality is in your role, they will never accept you. I have been everything in the book, but the bottom line is I am taking time away from DH worshipping OSD and her spawn, and I stand in the way of the inheritance they think they deserve when DH passes.
Use humor to keep yourself sane. That's it. My SD's told DH they thought I was hysterical. Did it make them like me? Nope. Disengage for yourself. SD is an adult with her own DH. Focus on your DH only and your marriage and let her fade into oblivion.
I haven't been called
I haven't been called "hysterical" yet. A-ha! New goals! (Just kidding.)
I would not putting anything
I would not put anything in writing to her at this point.However, if she is to write about you in anyway you see, text, etc., keep copies. Like you stated, you cannot make it right, regardless of the approach you take. You will always be the problem in her life, but that is on her, not you. There is no approach that works for SD or DH, if you live in this sick dynamic, like most of us here. Realizing that--is the first step to self healing.
Move forward by erasing them out of your marriage-- as far as you are concerned. You will find it much more peaceful to be around people who want you around them. You will not stress encounters, because there are none for you. You live your life as if they do not exist, just as they do with you.
I really liked what you had
I really liked what you had to say about being around people who want you around them. Life is better that way, it is true.
Happy Slinging
Anyone who can diffuse life's drama with humor has a gift worth sharing. I have always used humor, in business and in my personal life, to buffer situations that felt tense. My intention is never to attack with humor, but heaven help the over-achieving arseholes who are intent on harm.
During the acquaintance process and over the years, humor eased the superficiality and tension surrounding occassions with SS and SD (although, I was rarely allowed to be in the princess' presence when she was with daddy). SS gets my wit and twistedness. On the other hand, SD is like a can of pop-and-fresh dough - cold and packaged under pressure (her courtesy laughs were seeping attempts at joy). When SD would attempt passive-aggressive behavior, it was waaaay too easy to pull the rug out from under her with humor. She liked stirring the soup of discontent under the guise of attempted humor so she could excuse it with "but I was just kidding." Unfortunately, she's not comic but transparent and catty. It's a lot of fun to sling humor, smile like the Cheshire cat and retort..."I was kidding." Back atcha bahahahaha.
Have fun! Sling away!
Hurray that you have been
Hurray that you have been able to use humor effectively! Bravo! Yes, it is truly a gift and one that has eased my own load a few times.
Your post reminded me, however, that some people do use humor as a disguise for downright abuse and ugliness. For instance, calling somebody a witch and then saying, "just kidding." No, sometimes they aren't "just kidding."
Aside from the outright misuse of humor, your post actually made me think how far down the wrong path it could go with someone who is intent on seeing negativity in everything. I thought I was being pleasant and personable in one note but all manner of bad things were seen there. They went looking for harm and managed to locate all my hidden evil demons, whether I knew I had them or not. Such helpful relatives, eh?
So you wrote and ripped on
So you wrote and ripped on the SD and her DH (the SSIL) responded? Why are either one of you sticking your two cents in what is the father/daughter relationship to make or break?
No, humor will not be anymore successful (expect to entertain yourself) than your failed earlier attempts of sharing your view of the situation was with the SD.
You're Dad's wife. He's happily remarried on the second chapter of his life and you have to deal with SD rarely due to distance. So why stir up troubles and/or provoke new ones?
The young lady is in her 30's. She got there without any help and/or advice from you.She recently , unfortunately, lost her mother... but she doesn't need a new one. Your profile stated you have no children and had hoes you could at least be a 'sympathic ear' for your new Dh's adult daughter. Whipping her off letter (regardless of if your DH read and approved or not) wasn't a brilliant idea nor was it your place to have done so .If father believed there was something of importance needing said to his daughter, it was his place to have either called her and discussed it and/or written her.
Never a good idea to play 'spokesman' to your husband's adult child/children. Even if done with good intentions. Especially if it's directly addressing slights/faults/disagreements between the two households.
Stay away from SD's social media. Block her if you and she are friends.Do not write her any more letters and be glad she isn't bothering you. Your Dh and your marriage need to be your focus. Your home life and life as a newly married couple is where your focus belongs. Whatever is wrong with SD (in your opinion) or whatever is wrong with father/daughter relationship is 100% on father and daughter to fix , or not fix. They have a long established relationship that has went through changes and upsets... this too, they will either come through or won't.
It's a hard pill to swallow,
It's a hard pill to swallow, sometimes, to be told you were wrong but in this case, I think you are right. I should not have interfered. I got tired of seeing my DH disappointed and saddened by his daughter's thoughtlessness. I am witness to it but she does not see it because she is not in the same household or the same state. You are correct that DH needed to address the issue with SD, or not. DH has since addressed a few of the other things that have been hurting him with SD himself and is presently being ignored. I personally don't think that ignoring your father when he tells you that he is feeling ignored is the right approach but I'm staying out of it. Live and learn.
Live and Learn
is spot on!. These dynamics are tricky, and in any other world standing up for your DH is the right thing to do, but not in a step situation. The unwritten rules are learned through your good intentions unfortunately.
Block them every way possible
Block them every way possible. Don’t even utter their names. Just erase them from your life. Your ideal experience would be to assume that they do not exist in your world. Let your DH see them as he chooses, but never on your turf.
I speak from experience. I’ve been doing this for two years even though skid, his gf and their child just live a few miles away. It works beautifully for me.
Wow. Seems harsh at this
Wow. Seems harsh at this point to block them every way possible. I'm going to keep my glimmer of hope for this for now. I may need to let go of hope in increments. We shall see. I am glad you have found a solution that works for you.
Not going to help
From experience, I can tell you no matter what you do, it will be misunderstood and used to generate continued negativity. Disengage and let your DH figure out the relationship with the SD. Set reasonable boundaries and move on. For what it’s worth, after 12 years of marriage to a widower with a grown daughter, it won’t change.
Mountains, I am sad to read
Mountains, I am sad to read that 12 years of marriage has not produced a SD who is more willing to see good in you. My own mother treated her stepmother in a hostile way for 44 years, until her father died. I was not supposed to like my step-grandmother. My mother wanted me to think of her as wicked. She was nice to me so that was hard. I just knew that liking her made my mother angry with me. After my mother's father died, I came into my mother's room one day to find her crying. She said, "I should have been nicer to (stepmother) for papa's sake, He was much happier with (stepmother) than with my own mother." FORTY FOUR years of ugliness on her part and she wished AFTER HER FATHER DIED that she had been nicer, not for her stepmother's sake, not for her own sake, not for the sake of anyone else who had to listen to her bitterness all those years but for someone who was now dead. It is utter stupidity in my eyes but apparently more common than I realize. Yuck.
Some folks just never evolve past a certain point
What your mother experienced was called Parental Alienation Syndrom. The eldest SD, Toxic Feral, she copied her mother and saw all my negatives, was happiest causing problems and was a real jerk. The youngest, Munchkin SD12 used to tell me that it made her mother sad when she talked about me taking her places and doiing fun things with her (like taking her to the park or the beach) . Her mother could have easily done these things as well, but was too caught up in her own selfishness.
So - yes, the children are often victims of this and the poor stepparents are too!
In your case, SD is playing victim, re-writing history, and involving her husband in this atrociously selfish narcissisitc behavior.
Oftentimes this is a result of bad parenting, and you came into the picture long after the parenting was complete. Stay far away from them and their mud-slinging, so that their toxic behavior doesnt affect your marriage.
Continue with the humor but---
--- but write it for yourself. The best thing I did to resolve 'misunderstandings' my relationship with SD was to disengage and cut her out of my life entirely. Other posters have suggested this also and I'll tell you why. Humor may work for you once or twice, but in this case eventually your humor can be used to bite you in the butt. BUT (and there are a lot of butts involved), you can have an absolute ball writing about it and possibly keeping entries in an album for future reference. If you still allow SD and SSIL to visit your home, whip out the album before they arrive, read just how absurd they are, and put yourself in a mood to see the humor in their words and actions, and save it for a future episode for the album.
I think you have talent really. You might as well have fun with it. For all you know, you could eventually (anonymously) publish a book which we would all get a kick out of. Or give possibly provide some humor for us from time to time.
Thank you, Sandye21, for the
Thank you, Sandye21, for the sweet compliment on my humor. I shall try to let it come forth more here, when I can. I like your idea of keeping a journal. I often have kept a journal anyway. Usually it is filled with depressing stuff and is later burned but this sounds like a much more fun idea, to fill it with humor.
Yea, no, humor doesn't work
Yea, no, humor doesn't work on SDs. If they want to hate you, they'll hate you no matter how charming, funny, useful, kind or empathetic you are. Their hate is downright inspired.
Honestly, when it got to the point where I couldn't even make a joke without her making it into drama, I was done.
Marblefawn, it is a dim world
Marblefawn, it is a dim world indeed when we can't have a bit of levity, love, kindness, empathy, charm without it being turned into something dark. But it does seem like some people find pleasure from ferreting demons out, even in places where only mere mortals reside.
My 2 sd aged 22 & 13 live about a 2 hour drive in another state
they do not contact hubby whatsoever unless they need money or pampering including ss20 who lives at university about 30mins drive away. There’s no “happy birthday dad”, “happy new years” or even “happy birthday to our kids”, they do not contact to ask how things are but hubby feels compelled to message non stop to kids with ex how are they, have they had dinner, he send pics what we had for dinner or tells them we been sick and quiet for a bit or when we are going on holiday overseas to my country and their only response is “we understand”
i got to a point with all the issues going on with skids and how they treat us why should hubby be doing all this contact when they don’t care or make the effort. I actually asked hubby to ask himself if i didn’t bother messaging them for a week or 2, would they even message to ask how are things? Answer is NO!! Imm actually sarcastic when addressing skids issues with hubby because its a total joke and ridiculous the excuses they come up with to justify their unacceptable behaviour
guess what hubby disengaged for 2.5 months and not one kid messaged to say happy birthday to hubby, me or my daughter, hubby just was so disappointed because for so long he had his head in the sand and it was reality these are the kids he raised and helped bring into the world. Hubby never even said happy birthday to his 2 daughters because of this too.
he only contacted them if it was important family stuff or necessary otherwise he went about his life. That woke up ss as he was so used to manipulating hubby and guilting him having hubby do everything for him and suddenly that stopped and reality hit ss that hubby wasn’t taking his nonsense anymore
the sk only cause stress and hubby got to a point living life as normal and its upto skids whether they want contact or not but hubby isn’t putting life on hold to wait and see
with the way they’ve behaved and treated us all, i just want to avoid them like the plague because tjey dampen the mood and walk over me questioning my authority when it comes to my toddlers thinking they can do whatever they want
we have a nephews wedding next week of hubbys, the daughters are coming and this alone i just don’t want to go. I’d much rather stay home but i know that will upset hubby but he knows how much i despise the behaviour of skids.
last visit we played taxi for them driving 2 hours plus to get them, then wait for them to get ready despite being told in advance we were on the way and when we’d arrive (by this point 2 extremely carsick toddlers who’d vomited on me), then going to hubbys family home and they’d bought presents (actual choking hazards) they’d opened up which my kids were putting in their mouth to chew on, then giving melted chocolate to a 2 yr old in a dress at a wedding without my knowledge and i was baby wiping my daughter so angrily and them undoing her hair nicely done up so they could make it messy for no reason other than because. Then kids were finally sleeping in our room and sd22 bangs and shouts at our door asking dad for car keys to get some unimportant non urgent stuff she bought for her aunt that she could have waited for hubby to leave our room. I was so close to shouting at hubby that he sort this shit out now because i was so close to screaming at sd22 that she never rudely shouts and bangs at our door when our kids are sleeping unless its an emergency
get comfortable in the fact you live your life, they treat hubby like shit thats on them. Don’t step in to let them know they really upset their dad, if they even remotely cared about their dad, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place
so family wedding next week if I even want to remotely consider it is hubby has a talk and specifically tells his kids what will not happen again, i want to know soecific plans and if they will be staying at hubbys family home , unless hubby shows me actual messages to sd what will not be tolerated again, i won’t consider it. I know hubby just dreads addressing it because of the drama them telling their mum who will think she has authority to tell hubby and family off because shes a crazy biatch..
I live in a community of
I live in a community of manufactured homes that has a lot of older people in it. When one of the members of the community gets to the point where they are depending heavily, too heavily, on the kindness of the neighbors because of mobility issues and failing health, there is talk of them moving to where their kids are. Most are advised not to do that until it becomes absolutely necessary and then to consider assisted living places instead. That is because they know that no matter how loving their children and grandchildren behave in the short term, how anxious the kids seem to have them move closer, they will be forgotten the moment they move into that spare bedroom, or spare cottage, or whatever near or with their kids. The kids will be too busy with their own lives. They will get left behind, left alone, looked at as more of a nuisance than an asset.
I also read on another thread on this board that kids want you to parent them but they aren't interested in having you be a friend to them when they are done needing you as a parent. I never had kids so I am learning about all of this second hand. Maybe my DH is experiencing what is normal from his grown daughter. The pattern seems quite common. That is why my DH moved to the manufactured home community in a warmer state. He didn't feel his daughter would miss him. He just didn't expect she would stop liking his stuff on social media, stop writing as much, not inform him about important family functions in time and so on. So far, the SD and SSIL have remembered his birthday. I am glad for that. I am sorry your DH's kids forgot his, yours, and your kid's. That sucks.
It doesn't seem like too much to want to be remembered by kids you raised but maybe being forgotten, or just expected to go live your own life without them, is just part of what it means to grow old?
Interestingly at some point
Interestingly at some point in our culture a shift started. For much of our history parents focused on providing for themselves, preparing their children for adulthood, and not being a burden on their children. As the economic pendulem swings and increasing numbers of retirement aged people do not have the resources to care for themselves for the remainder of their lives we are seeing more of this.
In our case, our parents are comfortable and healthy. We interface with them very frequently and when it is time for them to transition to being cared for at some level, there is not a snowball's chance in hell that they would allow themselves to be taken in. It will be a battle. My wife and I will not win but it will be clear that my parents have a home .... period. They won't need it, they won't accept an offer to move in with us. Their plan is to fly a plane into the side of a mountain when they are in their late 80's. On some level I don't think that they are kidding.
We of course also have my ILs to consider. My FIL passed mid year 18 and left my MIL with very little. Fortunately she listened to her CPA eldest child and we got her in with an investment advisor, got her to put what little insurance there was on my FIL into investments, rolled her very small 401K into an IRA, she was offered a buy out retirement package just before Christmas which she took and that was also rolled into investments. Though she will never be able to retire she will be able to keep her home and have a decent standard of living. At least that is what it looks like.
Of her 4 progeny it is my bride and I that have the capacity to help. The problem is she is not interested in that help because she does not like the terms of our help. I get it. No adult wants to forfeit their ability to do what they want when they want. Even people with zero resources to do anything.
It is a sad situation.
I just refuse to be one of those kids who writes off their parents in lieu of focusing on their own life. So, my parents are stuck with my regular calls. My bride is stuck with me asking if she has called her mom lately.
Rags, I'm going to guess that
Rags, I'm going to guess that your parents feel lucky being "stuck" with your regular calls, especially since they likely know parents who would love to hear from their kids but rarely do, unless they need something. I'm glad you remember them at other times and show them love on more than holidays.
It is wonderful that you MIL had a CPA child to provide her with sound financial advice.
It is a sad situation when the body fails you and you have to depend on somebody else to pick you up when you fall, to drive you to the store, to pick up your medicine for you, to clean your home because you can barely walk. Nobody likes it but it happens. I hope your parents don't fly into a mountain but I understand not liking feeling like a burden to others.
This makes me sad to hear.
This makes me sad to hear. Maybe losing a parent young changes your perspective. We lost my dad when he was 49.
Now, my mom is 60 and she complains that her kids are “too protective” of her. I see her about once a week when I go grocery shopping and stop by with her favorite coffee. I’m beyond grateful to have her in my life and, when the time comes, I have no doubt there will be a fight among her 6 kids about who gets to take her.
Of course, her mom passed away two years ago and it was a similar situation for her. My mom lives 6-7 hours away from her childhood home (while some of her siblings are still in town) but she teaches...so pretty much fall break, a week over Christmas break, spring break, and at least 2 weeks in the summer she was at her mom’s doing stuff for her...so maybe this is just how I was raised/how my family is.
You could have handed her a
You could have handed her a million dollar bill with her clothes and she would have still trashed you any feasible way possible. When you are dealing with a bunch of jealous women with no boundaries, the sky is the limit for the unassuming SD, until she becomes assuming, that is.... Any innocent discussion or action with her, will result in some complaint about you.
Just be the one to stop the insanity, you deserve a more peaceful life away from toxic fools.
You are right that a million
You are right that a million dollars would backfire! I'd be manipulatively trying to buy her good graces, of course! And I would have had to beg, borrow, or steal that kind of money so I'd likely be in something criminal too! LOL! I am blessed to have a smart DH who pointed out that if I offered to bring SD to our state to enjoy a fun festival with her dad, she'd likely see that as manipulative. It seems DH caught on to this faster than I have. I'm still sitting here asking the universe, "why" when "why" probably isn't going to serve me much. I don't need to know why tornados form to stay out of their way.
Love this!
"I dont need to know why tornados form to stay out of their way" thats the situation in a nutshell. You are one sharp lady!
That is an interesting take
That is an interesting take and if it works for you, hey, what do you have to lose at this point?
Best advice I can give is simply to stay out of as many siuations involving your SD and your DH as you can
No matter what you say or do, even in the best interests of your DH, will be met with a grossly extreme reaction as it sounds like your SD and SSIL feel you have no place to say anything about anything in their world...as is often the case in step/in law situations
But the humour take may well give YOU a laugh, and that can't hurt either haha
Doncha love how you're
Doncha love how you're supposed to act like a "grown @ss woman" but SD doesn't have to?! Skids no matter how old often get the protected status of wounded children. Don't bother wasting your energy on her. Channel all that love and fun into your marriage and leave DH to worry about his daughter.
Maybe your adult SD did
Maybe your adult SD did actually receive your DH's original request? My DH adult spawn, have in many instances, resorted to lying about various things to accuse me of whatever they can come up with. Just saying.
last time I checked, it is a free country, and there is freedom of speech. So, if you wanted to send an email on behalf of you and your DH, you have a right to do so. it is not illegal to send skids messages, is it? They can send us hateful messages, and that is okay. Their spouses can say whatever they want to us and our DH's. The so called "wicked" stepmother should be allowed to send messages to whoever she wants, right?
This business of adult skids Prince and Princess should not be contacted by their stepmother via email, text, whatever, is silly. Oh, boo, we don't want to aggravate their fragile state of mind, do we? Yet it is okay for those same adult skids to contact the Stepparent and ream them out, swear or accuse them of whatever they can come up with. Well, it works both ways adult skids. If I want to stick up for DH or I need to tell you something, you are going to hear it from me, like it or not.
Humor, yes, it is a great coping mechanism. After years of trying to find out why do these people hate me so much and figure out what did I do for this hateful treatment by the skids, I now use humor to laugh about it and it helps DH.
When OSD told DH they (all adult skids), wished me out of their lives, I laughed, because I figured this out already, and don't want to be around such hateful people anyway. Now when they pull the, "it's all her fault our dad won't do blah, blah, blah...." card, my response is "you wished me out of your lives, so no, I don't wish to spend any time near anyone who feels this way about me." Also, my DH isn't the type of guy who will leave his wife behind to attend a Skid event his wife is purposely excluded from. Well, jokes on them. Guess they should respect their parent and his marriage.
DH and I joke about their adult skid games now, for the most part. We laugh about what will they come up with next. No matter what we do, they will find fault with. It isn't your fault, for whatever sick reason, they just cannot stand the fact their parent has moved on. My DH lost his late wife also. Each adult skid never got past DH deserves to be happy. They each have shrines to their late mother and the first family. At almost function, there is a tribute to their late mother. If there was no tribute, conversation was always about their mother and how the first family use to do things. SS's have told DH that he just forgot about his late wife by being with me. Every gskid has some combination or late mother's name, even some of their material possessions and businesses are named after her. When DH told them he would not be buried with her, they didn't talk to DH for months and blamed me for that, yet it was DH's decision, not mine. Nothing wrong to pay tribute and remember someone, but they take it to the extreme.
So, heck ya, use humor if that works for you. Why not? It's better than being unhappy.
I am glad that you saw my
I am glad that you saw my post and responded, disrestep, because our situations sound somewhat similar. I very much enjoyed reading validation for my feeling that it SHOULD be okay for me to write my SD concerning matters of our feelings, even if apparently, it is not. I enjoyed reading that it especially should be okay in light of the fact that it seems to be perfectly acceptable for them to write me with whatever unkind accusations they like, stated in whatever "colorful" language they deem fit for a wicked stepmother. Even if this situation will never be fair, it was so nice to read your commentary of how different it would be if it were entirely fair. I see why it is nice for step-parents to come to this board.
To be fair, I do not think my SD got my DH's original request. He checked his computer for a record of it and could find none. It is entirely possible that he got too busy with other planned events and forgot. In which case, I very likely bumped a little too hard against my SD's feelings. What happened after that made matters more difficult. The reaction was similar to if I had accidently bumped the rear end of another person's car. I thought the bump was minor. However, the wife immediately claimed whiplash (in my SD's case, she claimed she had a panic attack) and the husband, who witnessed the event from the curb (sidelines), comes up to my car (writes us) cursing and telling me that he is flabbergasted at the horrors he has seen from me and, to DH, that he should have intervened and kept me off the road. My DH told SD and SSIL that the note was from both of us. I might have apologized to my SD initially, for not knowing that she didn't get his request and writing as if she had. However, since this extreme reaction has taken place, my DH has asked me not to apologize, not for anything. He feels that, like with the accident analogy, any admission of guilt at this point gives credibility to the outlandish claims that came about after. So, there it stands.
The other similarity you have with our situation may be the opinion of the deceased BM, although our case may not be as extreme. According to my DH, everyone liked BM, thought she was humorous and thought their marriage was good. My DH claims all was not happy for him behind closed doors. When talking about SD's silent treatment and whether that resembled how BM used to handle issues with DH, my DH said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I used to be married to the Wicked Witch of the West and now I am married to Glenda, the Good Witch of the North." I was moved to happy tears by this statement. I hope he never sees me any differently. My DH feels that SD was not witness to too many of their troubles. My feeling is that SD may have been aware of more than DH gives her credit for. Either way, my DH may be happier now than he has been in the past. I hope that he is!! However, that may be difficult for SD and SSIL to see. BM apparently was very fond of SD's husband and I am told he was particularly fond of her as well. So far, no tributes have been held but we may not need them for the same feelings to be there. They may feel that DH has forgotten BM and (gasp) is having too much fun with me. I don't know. What I do know is that something seems afoot, amiss, between what happened and the reaction.
Thank you, Evil 3, for your
Thank you, Evil 3, for your thoughtful reply. I can very easily imagine that humor on my part could be seen as mockery or making light of their feelings by my SD and SSIL. Words that I thought were kind and personable have already been interpretted as "outbursts." I never saw that coming because I didn't feel as if I was having an "outburst" at all. However, if I can easily imagine humor being seen exactly as you described it, it is most likely an extremely bad idea.
I see that I am emotionally draining myself a bit with my own "theory of the week" mental gymnastics trying to figure out why SD and SSIL seem to view me in such a dim light. Your therapist is right that we may never know the reasons our SD's behave as they do. We could find out in 5 or 10 years some shred of information that we couldn't even begin to imagine now, or we may never know any more than we do now. I guess there is a part of me that longs to make the relationship I have with SD and SSIL friendier, better. However, if my SD and SSIL aren't equally motivated to make things friendlier between us, my attempts to make things better aren't going to go well at all. I am old enough to know how poorly that sort of scenario works.
If I gained anything from having had two failed marriages and having dated others that left much to be desired, it is this: I recognize that my DH is indeed a keeper and that I am lucky indeed to have found him. I feel like I waited my whole life to meet my DH. I just didn't know his name or where to look for him until his path crossed mine. I am very grateful that he has stood by my side in this. It would be so easy, and perhaps even understandable, for DH to ask me to apologize to SD for my interference or for writing while believing SD had ignored his request. It would be easy, and understandable, if he asked me to take responsibility for that, the role I played, while ignoring their reaction, extreme as it was. It surprised me a bit when he asked me NOT to apologize. Once he explained his reasoning, I understood. And I love him all the more for not wanting SD and SSIL to learn that acting this way works and is therefore OK. DH is thinking ahead to how they will treat us both in the future. I sure love my DH. He is smart and thoughtful. I am so happy to have a DH who isn't going to let SD or SSIL come between us or damage our relationship.
Your story is very similar to
Your story is very similar to my situation with my father and SM. My father recently remarried after my mother passed away as well. They were together for over 30 years. I also live in another state and am in my 30s.
What you did is very similar to what my SM did when I first met her a few years back. They came to visit my sister and I. During the visit she asked to talk to my sister and I and tried to find out if my dad owed us any money and that she would pay it on his behalf. We were taken aback and politely said his financial situation was a private matter between us. At this time they were not even dating a year and I found it insulting that she would ask about my financial status.
Within the next few months things only got worse. An episode arose between my father, sister and I. After some arguments with our father my SM emailed everyone on behalf of him to try and resolve the issue. The problem was she only had the facts from my father and did not know the history between us. I will be honest the email did not go over well with my sister or myself. We felt she overstepped as a SO to my father. The issue was something regarding multiple years prior to her being involved. As a result we did not speak to my father for approximately 6 months.
Your SD may have already had an issue with her father prior to you marrying. Only they can resolve their problems. As long as she does not ask you for money or help it is up to them to resolve the problem and you should not interfere.
In my situation we moved on from the event. My SM apologized for sending the email and she has never again overstepped.
I know it must be hard to see your husband disappointed in his daughter but he needs to take the lead on it. Hopefully they can figure out a way to have a relationship.
I remember when you first
I remember when you first posted and told the story of your SM. I agree with you that she overstepped yet I must say it appeared that she had only good intentions. She was trying to help your father clear his debts and give you any money you were owed. I'm a bit surprised that you're still harboring a grudge against SM for this.
Most of us SM's learn the hard way to stay out of DH's and their kids dramas. What happens is that they complain and cry to us about how their children are mistreating them so we jump in (often at their request) and try to help. We try to play peacemaker but end up making everyone, even our DH's mad at us.
You didn't speak to your father for 6 months over an email sent by SM which was trying to be helpful in and has since apologized for?! Trying to punish them both much? Life is short and you're taking for granted that your father is going to be around forever. Your father is a flawed human, SM is too. No one is perfect and punishing them over perceived slights won't bring your mother back. I'm hoping she taught you to be better than this.
I agree
Ya, not speaking to her Father and SM sounds like a bit of an over-reaction to the 'dastardly deed' that SM did. I mean, how DARE SM try to pay them money! LOL I'll bet as SM 'apologized' for 'overstepping', she also thought, "It's your loss in more ways than one."
In my opinion the SM is a genius. Gee!! I wish I had thought of that approach - to 'overstep' right away in the marriage and 'apologize' with the result being that SD believes I've learned my lesson, she single -handedly put me in my place, and has the impression she is SO smart! And SD is SO smart she's going to share her 'succcess story' with all of us 'uninformed' SMs. Think of what her SM did! If I could have only thought of this idea disengagement would have been SO much easier for me! I could have sat back and every time SD wanted something done or money or extra 'Daddy time', I could have said to DH, "We don't want to 'overstep'." And DH would have looked back at me with love, love, love in his eyes, thinking I was going out of my way to do what was best. Ya, Lesson learned!!! LOL LOL