I called SS14 a little Sh!+ to DH and other musings from the weekend
Let me start by stating that DH and I enjoy breweries. That is one of the things that we will do as date nights- go check out a local mircrobrewery or festival. We aren't alcoholics and we don't NEED to drink. However, we both enjoy beer. We never drink more than 1-2 with children at home and we don't take the kids to breweries or festivals. This is something we do as a couple.
We had a kid free weekend and we were both off work by mid afternoon on Friday. We decided to go check out a brewery on the oceanfront that we haven't been to in a few months since they have an awesome rotating tap and usually really good beers. While we were there I got an email from out lawyer. It stated that SS14 finally talked to the GAL. The GAL sees no reason why SS can't go on the cruise with us under 2 conditions. Both of which are bullshit.
1) SS showed the GAL social media posts and said that our drinking bothers him and that we drink too much.( UMMMMM... no. We don't. We never drink and drive, we don't get "drunk" and we never drink to any excess around our children. ) The GAL stated “cutting it out of all posts and eliminating drinking from his life right now would be a prudent move.” -- Ok, so we aren't allowed to drink on a f***ing cruise that we paid for? Seriously?? Poolside drinks are part of the fun of a cruise -- along with wine that I would never pay $50 a glass for but is included in my package.
2) That SS14 said we left him alone in the cabin to babysit my bios. -- That never ever happened. Infact my bios are the experienced travelers. We do have a "go with a buddy" rule though. I am just not into kids being snagged and a$$ raped becasue they were walking around alone and got snagged. Safety in numbers! So, that is out for SS14 this year- he can get a$$ raped for all I care. My kids won't be left alone with him at all- ever. If he wants a buddy to go down a waterslide or do a skycourse or go sufing or whatever else- too bad, you have to sign something stating that this is not to be construde as "babysitting" my 12 and 13yr old.
So ok, GAL we will play you game. There is an adult only bar where I will get my and DH's drinks and move them into our own cups so that you can't tell what we are drinking. If SS asks- Soda. Get your own.
I also asked our lawyer about SS's cell phone. I want to lock it in the safe (along with all of ours) for the durration of the trip. I don't want a little spy running around. We will be in international waters and no wifi package- we cruise to disconnect. There is no need to have his phone. I have my Rebel for pictures and we have a gopro for excursions and whatever else the kids want to do all crazy with pictures. We will share them all with everyone when we get back.
I told Dh that I wasn't going to be held hostage by his little Sh!+ son- he agreed.
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UGH
SS14 is quite full of himself! He has been given Adult Spousal Status (A.S.S.) by the BM. In my world and the hundreds of thousands of years before now kids did not call the shots nor should they.
Witness Lord of the Flies.
I'm sure if you comply with all of his demands he'll find something else to move the goal posts with!
Exactly! It will be fun to
Exactly! It will be fun to remind him that he is not an adult when he gets off that plane now that the GAL recommended he come with us.
Why take him? If it were me
Why take him? If it were me he, and his must haves, would stay home!
Due to the nature of PAS and
Due to the nature of PAS and the court case that has been postponed, if we don't take him we know that he is gone forever. DH and I aren't ready for that to happen. Maybe at the end of this trip but we were cut from his life in a blink of an eye with no explaination. Apparently he isn't a good enough liar for the GAL to cut us off yet either. So, I feel like there is hope but he needs to be put in his place first. This trip, and showing him that he can demand all he wants but is still going is actually a good step in reminding him that he isn't an adult yet.
This is all coming from BM,
This is all coming from BM, you know that, right? While it's hard not to blame him, it probably all came out of one comment he made one time about having to watch one of your bios for ten minutes. BM made it into a giant deal.
The drinking on social media? BM is stalking it and found that herself, I assume, unless you have it locked down tight. If you don't, then lock it down now, and SS is no longer your friend on there (or he can't view anything).
If he goes on the cruise, he will be his normal self, then he will return to the cult and start speaking in tongues again. At least that's what happened with my SS.
I am sure he will be all
I am sure he will be all tears and hugs within minutes of seeing us. He loves us, but it is a cult.
I know damn well that all came from BM-- She is such a C**t. I don't have a million pictures- infact DH and I both went through or social media accounts and I found 12 pictures in the past 3 years that had a beer, or wine or something in the background. 12 out of hundreds!
The thing is - the GAL will
The thing is - the GAL will never recommend no visitation, courts just don't do that. But BM is setting the stage for SS to refuse visitation and have a "good reason".
BM used to coach SS to lie to therapists, attorneys, judges, and then reward him with new video games, etc. He basically told us that. And he just never could resist that, but more importantly, he couldn't resist the guilt trips and BM telling him he was "betraying her" if he didn't do as she asked.
He's still trapped in it now, though he at least speaks to DH.
Again, I'm sorry - I do know how painful and frustrating all of this is.
I wouldn't block him on
I wouldn't block him on social media, but I would lock it down where he never sees anything new (and make everything as private as possible for non-friends). That way the court sees you are taking "his wants" seriously whereas blocking him makes it seem like you have something to hide.
OP, with the babysitting thing, I'd make him keep the buddy system but tell your bio, in front of SS, that THEY are responsible for watching HIM since they are the more experienced traveler. Or, if you don't like that, make DH pull him along everywhere. He'll have LOADS of fun trying to sweet talk girls on the boat with Daddy Dearest less than 5 feet away from him at all times.
No good thing will come by taking SS
On this cruise. Why spend all this money and time, then having he tell what you can and can not do. Let him sit home with BM . Having a few drinks, little gambling and drinking are part of the cruise.
I figured out older SD was
I figured out older SD was watching my FB posts and using it against us after a few comments she made during her ''separation arguments" with DH. I removed her as a contact. I didn't block her but she doesn't have direct access any longer. DH never posts anything. So I get it.
She also gave BM stories about situations from a 14yo point of view. Yeah, because that's reality. BM took her version as the Truth. Who does that...?! Apparently a lot of people....
That's the thing... We know
That's the thing... We know BM spys using SS's facebook. She posts as him often and it is very obvious. Mostly thanks to spelling. SS14 looks like a kindergardener just learing to spell things out- no punctuation. When BM posts it looks like someone who has actually read a book.
We don't know what BM has over SS for this behavior to happen. We don't know what was said. A lot of it, we feel goes back to Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy that we feel is taking place. We feel the end game for BM is getting disability for a perfectly healthy kid so she can keep the $$ rolling in since alimony stopped.
However, if we don't push this, we may never see SS again. So yes, there is a risk that he is going to be an A$$ this trip, but there is also a change that he is going to snap back to himself and maybe, just maybe question his own behavior over the last few months.
Listen - your DH has to keep
Listen - your DH has to keep trying to see SS. He has to keep letting SS know that he's there and that he cares about him. It might not be a PAS antidote, but from everything I read, it's his best chance to have a relationship with SS in the future, and it's something that adults who were alienated as kids wish their alienated parent had done.
Many people on this board seem to hope their skid will be alienated because they hate them, but I didn't feel that way and don't still. Watching my SS get alienated was the most traumatic thing that's happened to me in my life (I've been lucky). I think you guys are doing the right thing.
BUT, it's probably won't have any effect on the alienation. I came to see it as my SS being afraid he'd lose BM if he stands up to her and he still can't, at 19.
That's Just It
the inability to stand up to the alienator at 19 doesn't bode well. PAS needs to be prosecuted as the crime it is; namely the alienator needs to lose ALL contact with the child. Then the child needs to be sent to intensive deprogramming.
Thanks Tog, we don't have
Thanks Tog, we don't have intentions of stopping our efforts. Things are complicated right now, but I am not giving up hope.
I feel like time together is the key. Without having time with him, we will lose him forever. So I am hoping that this trip will click "reset" in his mind about us.
However, I am proceeding with caution. Like I said above, cover all my bases and make sure that we are not held hostage by a terrorist 14 yr old.
The Girhippo
took as gospel YSS's account (when he was still 6 yrs old) of PASing out over a home cooked meal because we KNOW kids don't lie!
Right? Once I scolded SS, or
Right? Once I scolded SS, or actually I think I had my SO do it, because SS opened a package of Oreos that was hidden on a top shelf to make a dessert. He knew they weren't for him, and my SO didn't take the Oreos, nor did SD (she couldn't reach, and she really is just not a liar, she could have done the worst thing ever and she would fess up if asked out of guilt), so of course it was SS. He lied and said he didn't, then told his mom he gets yelled at for things he doesn't do, like take Oreos. We of course got a long nasty email from Crazy about it, saying I accused SS of taking the Oreos. Um, I didn't accuse him, he TOOK the f'ng Oreo's b*tch, your 10 yr old son (at the time) LIED to you.
Wow.
Wow.
I really don't think I could bring him on the cruise with the family. I'd have a hard time allowing a child to call the shots on my expensive vacation and also having this child all of a sudden deem you "worthy" to spend time with by his own playbook. Strength to you.
Make sure you capture every
Make sure you capture every single one of SS's smiles on film or photo. Then, when you get back, do a MEGA-compilation of them to show the whole wide world that he had a whale of a time andplaster it all over every single social media you have an account on (frankly this would be worth actually setting up accounts for)!
THIS! Video, too! Photos can
THIS! Video, too! Photos can be faked, but a laughing, smiling, and excited kid on camera is worth gold.
I am sooo mad for you that
I am sooo mad for you that you have to give in to this little terrorist's demands so he can come on a cruise YOU paid for! This kid better be worth it. Lol at So, that is out for SS14 this year- he can get a$$ raped for all I care.
I know he's all PAS'd out therefore he probably should be cut some slack for his ridiculous actions since he doesn't "know any better" and all of that...But all I'm saying is, if he fell overboard, I would probably do a cursory glance over the railing before stopping at the bar to get a drink that I would drink straight out of the cup it came in *gasp* on my way to find "help" on the furthest possible level of the ship. Deuces, SS.
I really am not heartless!
I really am not heartless! LMAO
I am just so over the bullshit! I am so glad you saw it as the humor that was intended. I said the same words to DH and he laughed too.
I am sure that once I see his stupid face and he give a stupid smirk and a hug I will forgive his stupid a$$ too.... geezzz... I do have to drink on this ship! LOL
I would be an asshole back
I would be an asshole back “sorry SS with your head condition no sodas allowed...too much caffeine, here is your water only package”
”SS since you are struggling with understanding the difference between hanging out with your siblings and babysitting we want to make sure to don’t feel you are in the position of babysitting. So we have arranged to that you can only do stuff with DH, pretty much he’s your travel buddy!”
I would also set it so that SS is unable to see any new posts...since you know this is all BM grasping at straws only post things that shine a light on her PAS!!!
Since I live in a version of your reality, OP
I just want to warn you of the pain that goes along with getting the skid with you, the smile melting your heart and making you forgive everything, everything feeling like it's back to OK after your talk with him, and then hearing on the backside that it isn't. That skid reported the littany of horrible things you/DH did. Saying things are fine and then they're not when he gets home to BM. Throwing you/DH under the bus with BM when he gets home, just because he can. The feeling of betrayal is real and intense, even when you're expecting it.
I say this from experience. I have SD14 and SS9 who deal with an alienating mother. We work hard with SD, in particular to use her brain. To think critically about things, including what BM says. And she appears to be trying, but she still won't "stand up" to her BM, so every other weekend, we're stuck listening and coaching and emotionally investing in a child who will throw us under the bus as soon as she needs to. SS is even worse.
All this to say that you and your DH need to figure out how to emotionally protect yourselves, eachother, and your kids from the shitstorm this kid brings with him.