16 and 18 years olds high all the time
Hello... I'm very new to all of this. DH and I met about a year ago and we are set to be married next summer. Everything with us is really great, except that his two sons come to my house (he moved into my home with his two sons) high as kites. Marijuana is legal here, and it's super easy for kids to get it. They are only here 2 nights a week - weekdays - but I feel like a stranger in my own home the nights they are here. They aren't really connective with me, and have switched from smoking flower to vaping so I can't smell it. When they did come in reeking of pot at the begining, I just told them straight out over dinner that I didn't like it and we need to negotiate a living arrangement that works for both of us. I told them that I did not like them being high in my house and can we approach this from a harm reduction model where they can come once a month high, and the other nights they are here, to be sober. They agreed, but now they are just hiding it. Dad is in denial, he doesn't think that they are high. Even though I am very sure they are - at least the 18 year old is - he is always looking down and unable to control his laughter. I'm just feeling beside myself. I'm so very scared of the future. I'm scared of Dad's denial. I'm scared of this never ending unfolding of unknown that my life is about to be majorly disrupted by drug abuse and addiction from these step sons. Does any one else deal with this issue? I would like connection over this - not judgment or fear based responses please. Thank you.
That's a tough one. If he
That's a tough one. If he doesn't care that they are smoking, there is really nothing you can do to make them stop - you can only request that he see them elsewhere (he may refuse), or you just remove yourself from interacting with them when they are there. If you press the issue with the kids, you will become the "evil stepmother", which many on this board are fine with, but I would not be - and it's almost certain to damage your marriage.
Is this a deal breaker for you, eventually? If so, all you can do is let him know that and hope he prioritizes his marriage. You can't make him care about his kids' drug use.
It’s Wishing house
She should leave her home so SO and SK. An have time alone. NO. He should tell them they can not be high in the house. He should visit them on the street corner and get high together !!
Well, she may think he should
Well, she may think he should, but she can't make him do it.
Dunno ... she said that they
Dunno ... she said that they moved into HER house that gives her the last word in my book.
Kick them out
I wouldn't have them live in my house or get married to their Dad until they're gone. Otherwise... you will be living with two grown freeloading xbox-playing full-time stoners who can't wait for you to go to work so they (& the girlfriends they'll bring over) can be more comfortable lounging around your house in their underwear, eating your food, NOT cleaning or contributing, and generally freeloading. Allll with the okay of their dad.
Just a little vision of where this goes. The day you marry their dad is NOT going to be the day they suddenly start respecting you or your house. Guess who the Identified Problem will be when she speaks up for the millionth time about NOT being okay with enabling their parasitic lifestyle?? YOU.
Run, Forest RUUUNNNNNN!
I wish everyday that I didnt
I wish everyday that I didnt marry and move in with DH & the skids. It has only got worse and worse. We have the kids 90% of the time for SS12 & SS10 and 99% for SD16 & SD19. If BM gets sick of her leeching stoner sons and its quite likely when the child support stops she could, the boys will be looking for a place to live their stoner lifestyle. Im not against marijuana but Im against the lifestyle it sometimes leads to...lazy and waiting for the next high or why wait just stay high all day.
Marijuana is NOT LEGAL for minors. Period.
Even here in Colorado, pot is not legal for minors. Only for over 21 years old --- adults.
If an adult provides or condones use by a minor, they can be charged with a bunch of annoying things like "contributing to the deliquancy of a minor" etc. Our local grocery store sells drug tests near the first-aid supplies.
ETA: medical use is exempted, but can be a hassle for parents to prove necessity.
Edibles are a problem in our schools ...
Yes, I have drug-tested my own son. He was given an edible on school grounds when he was 12 --- I took him to our local cop shop to meet with a narcotics officer for education.
I keep a drug test stocked in his bathroom vanity. He knows that if we have any questions at all, he will take one. Of course, now whenever there is a flare-up about grades or whatever, he offers to take it !
Watch for Cheating
My SS cheated drug tests by using a baggie of pee from a clean friend/classmate.
Just sayin.
See?
This is why I love you all. The things I learn!
Thank you Indigo! I was
Thank you Indigo! I was reading all the responses thinking, it's not even legal for them to be doing it, like it or not!!!
This is your home, and this could be a legal issue for you. Yes it's up to DH to discipline for most things, but illegal activity in my home where I could be held accountable for it would NOT be ok with me. I'm not going to put myself at risk just because DH can't control his stoner kids. This isn't one of those "oh just look the other way because DH allows it" kind of issues.
Marijuana though legal in
Marijuana though legal in some states also has age restrictions on it's use in those states. So, if these kids are underage call the police and they can deal with the authorities.
I don't give a a crap one way or the other about the use of recreational substances as long as their use is legal, the laws regarding their use are complied with, enforced and consequences are applied consistently for violations of the law.
As for your "harm reduction model". Really? Negotiating on drug use in your home? Really, really?
How about.... piss in the cup, if you are hot I call the cops. If you are not hot, come on in just follow the rules or GTFO!!!! If they are of legal age to use, if they are hot they can stay out. They are not hot, come on in just follow the rules or GTFO.
Just because something is legal in your state does not mean that you have to welcome and tolerate it in your home.
Negotiate my ass!!!! These are not young Skids, who I would not negotiate with either. These pre-adults do what they are told or they GTFO!!!
IMHO or course.
I have had to fire people for blowing positive for alcohol at work, pissing hot in random, annual and reasonable suspicion drug tests, and not hired people for pissing hot in pre-employment tests. Some were using legal substances, some were not. As an employer I am responsible for protecting the lives of my employees, the lives of my customers, the assets of my company, and the assets of my customers. The industries I work in and support include extremely dangerous operating environments. Anyone under the influence is not eligible for employment in my industry. I have no empathy or sympathy for users who would jeopardize their career and the safety of their family, the public, their coworkers, etc, etc, etc....
If you don't want that crap in your home. Don't have it in your home. Or them if they are using.
Multi panel urine drug tests are cheap. Buy a case and have them whip it out and piss in a cup before they enter your home.
*Mic Drop*
Well said Rags.
I want to pose this idea to
I want to pose this idea to people to see if it is reasonable: What if I asked the kids to stay the night at moms house the 2 nights they are supposed to be here, and come here those nights after school (18 y/o picks up 16 y/o and brings him over) and we can have dinner and they can connect with dad, but then they can go back to moms house and sleep there? They are up and down all night, in and out of the house throughout the night. That can minimize their impact on me and my well-being.
That works. It keeps their
That works. It keeps their use out of your home, minimizes the stress they inject into your home, and allows DH to maintain his relationship with them.
Most importantly, it takes care of you.
It's just a band aid
What if BM doesn't want them there the two nights? And despite the boys' impact on your well-being, have you considered that DH still needs to parent? These kids are far from launching. Sure...18 is adult on paper, but as we all know most 18 year olds are unlikely to be prepared to live on their own. You realize you are diluting DH's parenting responsibility because it conflicts with your well-being. Interesting idea, but it's a mere bandaid for what is to come. There's no silver-bullet resolutions in blended families and teen boys need their fathers to be present and to parent! I agree with whoever said that you should have waited until these boys moved out to have DH move in.
Stepdom will not allow you to cherry-pick what "fits" your life. Even when kids are launched, you are going to contend with years of blended family issues. Someone needs to lay down the law for these two and that someone is DH (and their BM). If the birth parents conflict, then you have a petrie dish of problems. Because it's your home, you have a right to insist on your rules. But you have to follow through with any consequences, especially with the 18 year old (DH needs to have your back 100%).
These boys are disrespectful and interruptive, yet you're holding back and still trying to play nice-nice with DH and these boys. Be the buzz kill! Self-preserve at all costs!!!
I know you feel that "in love" phase, but seriously rethink your life with this guy. His children are not going to disappear. Your therapeutic arsenal is no match for the step realities that are about to set in. Stay strong and don't take any shit.
When my DH moved into my home
When my DH moved into my home I did NOT forfeit the right to who was allowed in my home. Just because I let DH (then SO) move in did not mean that he was free to invite his worthless sons too.
Dealing with this now
I just posted today about a similar situation. SS-15 using pot regularly is an issue. I moved in with my fiance and at the end of the day, his house, his rules. We both use weed when there are no kids around and BOTH disagree with his son using it. However, making rules and enforcing rules are two different things and it is ultimately up to the parent to enforce it. It may come down to you being prepared to make a change in your living situation if dad can't/won't make sure they stay sober at YOUR house. I mentioned we are engaged, but I told him we are not getting married until SS is 18 so I know exactly what my future is going to look like. Dating a man with kids is NOT as easy as I thought it would be. Haha! But the thing I always have to remind myself is to be prepared for my SO to respond in the opposite way I am hoping/expecting. Hang in there and stand your groud. Your house, your rules!
Sadly, if their dad is in
Sadly, if their dad is in denial he will always be in denial. My DH just ignores all the illegal BS my 18yo SS does and says it's just teenage behavior. I guess it's easier for them not to deal with it. Like someone else said, it's not enough to make rules, they have to be enforced. Be sure to take care of yourself. I made that mistake and it resulted in multiple health issues. Best of luck!