There is no nice way and that's why you have been putting off this conversation. I get that you didn't want to spoil this break by talking about her, but before she arrives back you need to tell DH that it is your home and you want boundaries for this person whilst she is living there gratis.

There is no common sesne here- neither of these adults see it as a problem- they're fine with it- so you have to be the one to point it out to them.

I suggest writing those boundaries down and being very clear and specific about what you want- because they won't know otherwise.

Do you want her doing her share of the chores? Getting her out of the house to be on your own isn't going to be easy with an adult- maybe you could buy her cinema tickets or something?

You cannot force her to join in with things she doesn't want to- and really it is for DH to sort that out for her. Your job is to get DH to agree with your boundaries- and if he doesn't?

Then I would find things to do outside the house myself- make your absence shout and your lack of participation scream to him.

You are afraid of an argument and I know what that feels like but it has to be done- how he reacts will give an indication of where your relatioship is going- no one should be afraid to speak to their loved one about being so unhappy.

Could you suggest to her that your H and you need at least one night a week for a romantic night alone at home, I’m pretty sure my kids would run a mile at the suggestion that there might be romance in the air. Of course you then have to follow up on that with H but who knows a nice dinner, bottle of wine and a grown up conversation might just inspire him to want more nights in sans SD. Good luck 

This is a hard situation, because she's not a bad kid, per se, so the things you want to happen are hard to articulate.  I mean, realistically, you can't force her to get involved in activities and you can't really just shoo her out of the living room to be alone with your DH.  I can see why DH would not be OK with telling his daughter to stay out of the living room so you can be alone with him, it seems mean and unfair to her.  As an introvert and a homebody, I'd be miserable if someone made me "be gone" all the time just because that's their idea of how "normal" 19 year olds should be.  If she lives there, she should choose when she comes and goes and be able to participate in activities in the home.

What you really want is for her to be gone entirely - either on campus or back with her mother, and that's what you need to let him know.  There is no easy way, but it's fair for you to say that it's your home too, and while you will concede that she is a good kid, it's uncomfortable for you to live with someone who you don't really feel close to, especially someone who is around all the time.

He's not going to like it, and he may refuse - then you have to decide what that means for you.

ETA: I personally think he'd be a fool to end his marriage over this - he should be able to see how miserable you are, and even if he finds it annoying that you don't want her there, it shouldn't be a deal breaker for him. But it might be, or his refusal to move her out might be for you.

Are really nice people or else they can’t couch surf, there good kids !!!  She should be nice at someone else place.  Doesn’t she know about boys ??

In the beginning of my marriage to DH, I had to work in another state.  That meant the DH and SD had control of the house - the one I had paid for.  After working for two months, I got a weekend off.  No one went out of the way for me.  No one picked me up at the airport so I had to rent a car.  When I arrived home the house was filthy so I had to clean it.  DH refused to take a few days off or take 10 minutes to sit with me alone.  SD wouldn't leave to give us any time together.  DH and I wound up having a talk in the car and for the entire conversation he cried because poor SD had been a child of divorce.  I returned to work in another state with a horrible feeling about my recent marriage.  I did not place boundaries for 20 years and it was hell.

As Fairyo pointed out, creating boundaries and sticking to them can be very hard and intimidating.  But putting it off can lead to years, even decades of living in an unsatisfying marriage and ultimate abuse by both SD and DH.  They probably know you are too afraid to say anything.  I finally went to a counselor on my own.  She helped me to see that I needed to let my feelings be known and set limits for what I would accept in my marriage.

Like your SD, my SD was nice before the marriage.  That quickly changed when she had share Daddy.  So don't assume the situation will stay static.  I continued to avoid any confrontation until we were all at a point of no return.  I haven't seen SD in over 8 years.  There has been too much bridge burning for any reconciliation.  You really need to establish and place boundaries now and don't put it off.  Possibly see a counselor to assist with self-confidence.  But  don't wait like I did - until it's too late.  You deserve to have alone time with your DH.  Your marriage should be top priority to both of you.

You are correct, he won't get it.  You can try, but my experience...it is just the beginning of a fight.  I was so afraid my DH would divorce me, if I crossed his grown Princess. I let myself be abused 30+ years then.....

My solution:  I had enough! I just took charge of my own home and set boundaries, included everyone in the plan, including DH being aware.  I tried getting my DH to help out and it NEVER happened.

Take it one solution at a time, no need for bundling.   When SD comes back, address the priorities, with her.  Make sure she understands that running to Dadeeee... is fine with you.  If your DH ask, give him the facts civilly and sternly.  Don't over discuss, don't back off your boundaries, and most of all give it time.  It will work itself out if you do not waver. 

I have accomplished my peace myself.  (((Hugs)))   

Yes, you will be the bad person, but with peace and yourself with more respect.  Who cares if they get mad; if your DH loves you, he will see your purpose in short time.  SD will move on more likely, because she won't like you putting an end to her games.

Good luck.  It works if you handle it yourself.   You are going to have to address it, do not wait like I did.  Stay here for support also.

out with our 2 young kids aged 1.5 & 3 and wven do weekend getaways or long weekends awat to recharge

ss20 is not welcome because he ruins the mood treating us all like we don’t exist, wven his dad who is paying for the trip.

i started resenting hubby asking i go on trips with his kids because you feel ignored and it’s intentionally they do this and hubby turns a blind eye

what spoke volumes to hubby was me not going on said visits because he really felt the atmosphere was so toxic and his kids were causing it and hubby enabled it and now his wife and 2 young kids whom he loves didn’t want to come along

so as of 2 months ago i refuse to attend any holidays or outings with 3 sk and surprise-surprise when hubby told them that in future any visits would be at our home, they have ignored hubby and only contacted him demanding/expectating favours

I don't usually comment because I am not a SM but a SD, however I have been in a similar situation you are experience and thought I would share my story.

When I was in my late 20s I moved to NYC after being in S. Korea for a year working. I needed a place to stay while I looked for work. I stayed with my Aunt and Uncle for approximately 9 months.
Like your SD I was also an introvert and homebody. But like you I liked my own space so I would stay in my room 90% of the time I was home. I didn't know anyone in the area around my age. I was well behaved but brought up very differently than them. My Aunt (who is my mom's sister) I was very close to but my Uncle and I have only had a cordial relationship. It is good to also note at the time their marriage was going through a very rough patch and I am sure my being there only added to the situation.

Like you I thought I was intruding on their space if I was up their butts all the time. However, they were upset with me because I would not socialize with them and their friends. (They are very social people and I am the complete opposite) I wasn't anti-social as I would go downstairs say hello and spend a few minutes with them but than re-treat to my room.

The lesson I learned is that we all needed to communicate better. It was a struggle for all of us and caused a lot of resentment on all parties.

Have you spoken to your SD about her feelings. She may be feeling similar to you but does not know how to express it. I would suggest that when she comes back from my mother's home you all have a family meeting where all three of you can discuss your concerns. Both of your feelings are valid. Hopefully you can all reach a compromise. For example, is there a tv or computer in her room she can use on certain nights that you designate couple time only? Can you ask her to babysit your children while you and DH go out for a date once a week? Maybe she likes to be around everyone and wants to feel a part of the family so an idea would be to have a family day/night once a week for all parties to do something fun. She might see you and your husband spending time with your children and she feels left out. (I am only making assumptions as I do not know your family dynamics)

Sometimes men I found do not have the same feelings as women so instead of just venting and going through your husband have a sit down since you are all adults to express your feelings and come up with a solutions that all can live with. I hope this helps and best of luck.

Couldn't you just make it mildly uncomfortable for her to be around you guys constantly? 

Set up the living room with candles, your favourite dessert, some cozy blankets and a movie for you and your husband. Wear something that's not lingerie but is enticing so it's obvious that you're trying to have some romantic time. Have you tried something like this? If I was a 19 year old and my parents had the above scene laid out, I'd be outta there in no time lol 

After the younger kids go to bed...that is MY time. OUR couple time. I had to make it happen in my home, too. Else sd22 who lived here at the time would sit there with us every night. My husband had been used to everyone staring at the tv together though. When he married me That's not how I do things. I work nights and sleep days and I very much value our adult time together. Part of the problem was sd didn't have a bedroom, she slept on the couch and her belongings were spread through 2 bedrooms. So I'd bluntly tell her we were going to watch tv and she could go in my room until we were done. She'd go stare at her portable dvd player on my bed. She now lives with my mother in law and has her own room and no chores and gets driven everywhere her little heart desires. 

Anyway, imo it's normal and natural for couples to kick the kids out at night. We all grew up going to bed and our parents spending time together. 

What would happen if just while you're all sitting there you start making out with your husband? I agree with the people saying to make it really awkward.