New and dealing with mixed signals
Hi! New poster here.
My husband and I have been married two years. No biological children of my own, but I come from a large family with multiple siblings, some of whom have children to whom I've been close. So, I have a good bit of experience with kids. That doesn't mean I really fully understood what being a stepmother would be like.
The custody arrangement is a 50-50 split, with one week on, one week off. My husband and his ex cooperate, communicate and co-parent very well for the most part.
SS8 is VERY attached to his dad. Doesn't really care much about other people. So, sometimes I feel a little left out, but I kind of knew that going in so it doesn't bother me much. SS8 and I actually have what I think is a pretty good relationship. He seems comfortable with me. He'll tell me things. He's polite to me. If I ask him to do something, he does it, usually without complaint. I've thought things were fine.
The problem as I see it is with my husband. Lately, he's complained to me about my relationship wih SS8, saying he expected our relationship to be farther along by now. I told him that everything I'd read and heard was that it could take years for families to fully blend and it was important to be patient. He said “years” was too long and that was ridiculous. I asked him what his expectations were and he couldn't tell me. Said he didn't know. He gets annoyed with me for not helping enough. I do the household laundry and grocery shopping and most of the cooking. I help H with clothes shopping and homework and things like that. But I also feel like there are some things that really aren't my place. Like bath time. And bigger discipline issues. I'm happy to give advice and input, but I feel that should really come from my husband.
SS8 and I aren't affectionate with each other at all. But, again, he's not that way with anyone but his dad. We treat each other with kindness and respect, which is all I really expect.
H has told me I should feel free to step in and say something when SS8 gets out of line, or to tell him to clean up a mess he made, etc. Yet sometimes when I do that, H will give me a “Oh, come on. That's not a big deal” response. Once he did it in front of friends when I suggested SS8 clean up the game he'd been playing before going to bed. If I bring up something privately to him (like my thinking it's gross that SS8 is allowed to eat peanut butter straight from the jar — not his own personal container — with a spoon and his fingers) I'm told I'm too strict and too big on “rules.” I've stopped eating peanut butter.
I've tried talking to him about all this, but it doesn't seem to get us anywhere. I get accused of not caring about SS8, of having it easy, of being able to slack off and do whatever I want without any of the responsibility.
I'm at a loss. Has anyone else encountered a situation like this?
I get accused of not caring
I get accused of not caring about SS8, of having it easy, of being able to slack off and do whatever I want without any of the responsibility.
Um. What in the actual f*** is this nonsense?
You tell your DH...that you don't *have* any of the responsibility because *you* didn't *have* a kid. HE DID. The fact is, anything at all you do for your SS8 out of the goodness of your own heart...you are doing as a massive favor to your DH. A favor that he will never be able to reciprocate, incidentally. You're never going to ask your DH to provide child care and time and other resources for a kid that isn't his, right? That's NEVER going to be put on him. Yet he expects you to just take up his slack and do it for him...and then he has the unmitigated gall to complain that you aren't doing enough of a really hard thing that he'll never have to do for you? Is that right?
Just making sure I have the dynamics of this relationship correct.
To answer your original question...yes, a lot of us here have dealt with exactly this kind of thing. Husbands complaining that we aren't doing enough for their kids...without ever considering that the expectations aren't remotely equitable or fair.
You go at your own pace and don't do anything you don't feel like doing. If you get along well with the kid and there's mutual respect...you're already lightyears ahead of many step-situations. If your DH keeps pushing, he's going to cause you to resent his son (and, likely, vice versa) and ruin any hope of a positive future relationship. Maybe point this out to him and/or send him a few resources to read...but if I were you, I'd have trouble not flipping my lid if he ever started in on that whiny "you're skating by with none of the responsiblity!" crap ever again. Unreal.
Yes. That's how I see it. I
Yes. That's how I see it. I want to help and pitch in. That's not a problem for me. But I don't like the fact that he seems to take it for granted and doesn't acknowledge what I do. It's not enough for him. I think he has very unreasonable expectations and get the impression he thought we would be like a happy, bio family when SS8 is with us. I'd be like his mother.
Well, I have an aunt who is a very successful stepmom (her skids are grown now but they absolutely adore her). Her one bit of advice was "Don't try to be his mom." I took that to heart. He has a mom. That's not me. I'm just another loving, responsible adult in his life.
I do plan to take my own pace with things, despite H's expectations. And a couple of times when he's brought this out, I've pointed out that when I do try to assert authority, much of the time, he undermines me.
I don't want to resent SS8. I like him and think he's a great kid. I do think he's VERY spoiled, which isn't too surprising as the only child and only grandchild on both sides. H will readily admit that and confesses to me he's worried about SS8 being too spoiled and entitled. Yet, he'll do things like deliver his breakfast and dessert to him in the living room where SS8 is playing on his iPad, take dishes back to the kitchen for him, ask him "does that sound OK"? When I fix his breakfast or dessert, I make him come give me a hand -- or at least fetch it himself once I've done the heavy milk pouring. When I've pointed those things out to H, he agrees, changes his tune for a bit, then goes right back to it. Or he accuses me of being "a hard-a$$."
Getting close to the end of my rope with it, which is a shame because I don't blame SS8 or dislike him at all. But that's how it will be framed in H's mind.
Well..stick to you guns. Your
Well..stick to you guns. Your DH will eventually change his expectations (like mine did) or you'll split. I just get enraged by the attitude, though...no one can live under that kind of expectation day in and day out. Completely unfair and unreasonable. And so entitled of biodads to think anyone else is going to take to their kids the way they do. He wouldn't expect neighbors or close friends at work to think of his son as their own...why do we expect from stepmoms things that would sound crazy and cruel to expect from anyone else in the world?
Gets exhausting always having to defend our basic humanity.
Yep, most of us have
Yep, most of us have experienced this with breeder partners at some time or another.
IMHO the only way to deal with this is to confront DH with it in real time when he plays those cards and tie it to his desires for the relationship to be farther along the process than what is common. "How do you think that you countering my instructions to the kid, particularly in front of other adults, plays into the current progress rate on the relationship."
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
Take care
I've done that and,
I've done that and, thankfully, he's agreed that that was not productive on his part. It still hasn't helped things overall, though.
Thanks!
A Little Light Reading for Your Husband
I mentioned sending your DH some resources to read about blended family dynamics. In addition to Stepmonster or anything by Wednesday Martin, I'd point him to some of these links:
https://issuesiface.com/magazine/10-ways-to-support-your-wife-as-a-stepmom
https://www.stepmommag.com/2014/11/13/6-things-remarried-dads-owe-their-...
https://www.scarymommy.com/stepmoms-wish-their-husbands-knew/
It honestly sounds like what
It honestly sounds like what you are doing is 1000% right. You aren't pushing this kid to call you mom.. you aren't creating conflicts with the EX. You are letting things develop naturally.. you help care for a child that isn't yours.
It sounds like your DH is perhaps using code when he says that he thought the relationship would be further along. What he was probably (rightfully) embarassed to say was that he was "hoping you would have taken over all of the child rearing duties by now.. because ya know that is wimins work". Even if he is an enlightened man.. it's hard to break that thought in their mind that being the nurturer.. the caregiver to kids is the woman's area.
My response is also a bit incredulous.. he can't articulate what he thinks he wants.. seriously.. you are not the kid's mother..lol.
I would tell him this:
"Honey, I do care about your son, but he already has TWO parents that I think are doing a great job in raising him. I feel that my place here is to support YOU in raising your son. If I need to help with things.. need to step in when you aren't around I'm fine with that. But, he is your son.. I don't have kids... I will help you voluntarily.. but in no way do I see caring for your son as a responsibility I am obligated to take on. I also find it frustrating that you can't tell me what you think my relationship with your son should look like. If YOU can't tell me.. then how am i supposed to know your expectations. And.. at the root of it, perhaps it's not realistic to expect someone to take over parenting your child.. I will support you in any way I can as your spouse.. but the ultimate responsibility for your son is you and the EX.. his mother."
Maybe that is part of it. He
Maybe that is part of it. He seems very enlightened in a lot of ways but, yes, I think he harbored some fantasies of my taking over and being a full co-parent. He's admitted before that he doesn't feel confident as a parent, never really wanted kids and doesn't have a lot of patience with them. I taught SS8 to tie his shoes because H got too frustrated.
I said something similar to him a while back. More than once. It doesn't seem to penetrate. I'm happy to help and support him but, no, I'm not going to be Mom.
One area where we really run
One area where we really run into problems is with my family.
I have a big family, all close emotionally and geographically. H is an only child and is not close to any family at all. Often admits he can't understand why I enjoy spending time with family. Anyway, he paints them black. Anything they do or don't do, he sees in the worst possible light.
It bleeds over to SS8. Thing is, SS8 enjoys getting together with my family. There are other kids to play with. Everyone is nice to him. My parents and grandmother spend the same amount on Christmas and birthday gifts as on their bio grandkids. My sisters haven't acknowledged any of SS8's birthdays yet (there have been 2 since we got together). Mainly, it was because they didn't know when it was. They could have asked, I know. Anyway, I pointed it out to them and they were apologetic.
My sisters and parents have all said they're trying to take their cues from me. They don't know what kind of relationship we want them to have with SS8. They don't want to get in the way of his bio grandparents, mom, etc. I get that. It's sometimes a tricky situation. But to H, they're awful people who don't care about SS8.
To my mind, no, they're not going to be quite as close to him (at least at this point). He's only been around 2 years and we miss a lot of family functions (H doesn't like to attend). So, they don't know him as well. And as the only boy in his age range, with the only other boy 6 years older, there are some things like sleepovers and princess birthday parties he's going to be left out of. That would be true if he were my bio child.
Here's an example of a recent argument: We were preparing to buy Christmas gifts. I felt like we should spend roughly the same amount per child and my sisters should do the same with SS8. H felt like, no, it should be per family. So, if we spent $100 on my sister's four kids ($25 each), she should buy SS8 a $100 gift. Same thing for the sister with two kids. I thought that was ridiculous. It should be per individual. He said that wasn't fair to SS8. I pointed out that SS8 would be getting exactly the same as everyone else -- very fair. It's only unfair to us having to spend more on sisters' kids than they have to spend on our one, but that's just the way it works in families sometimes.
I get where he's coming from. He's very sensitive about SS8. He doesn't want him to get hurt or be treated any differently. I get that. I want him to be treated the same but H, while he says he wants him treated like the others, seems to want him to get preferential treatment. But I also feel like, realistically, he IS different in a way. Just his age and gender ensure that. And they're all very loving and attentive to him when we're all together. I'm not sure what else he wants. He's not going to be as special to them as he is to H. That's just natural. Or am I being unreasonable?
Ok, your DH's idea for
Ok, your DH's idea for presents is rediculous. And yes, it does sound like he wants his son to have preferential treatment. Good Lord.
My formerSO was really big on us attending ALL of his holiday and other family celebrations - but when it came to mine? Yeah, he just wasn't feeling it. It really bothered me and he really made me feel like I should just "abandon" my family in favor of his side - and really tried to rationalize it "for the kids" (HIS kids). And tried playing up the "we are family now" thing, but that never seemed to include my side for some reason (oh, the reason was HIS kids). Don't fall into this trap.
I agree. And I stuck to my
I agree. And I stuck to my guns and won out. I still don't think he really liked it, but he went along.
He's suggested before that maybe he and SS8 should just bow out of my family stuff for a couple of years, until SS8 is older and "can understand better." I pointed out that by not showing up for things, he's pretty much guaranteeing there won't be a relationship. So, if that's his goal, that's fine. But if he wants SS8 to be part of the family, he needs to show up for things. Regardless, I'm still going to gatherings. No matter what he decides.
My goodness... the petty
My goodness... the petty level is high there.. and LOOKING for a reason to be offended. You should go to as many "family" events.. as possible if that makes you happy.. an if your SS comes along.. it's going to be really nice if people buy him gifts.
BUT.. he already has two bio parents and aunts and uncles and bio grandparents. Trying to equalize spending for households.. puleeze. His kid is not whipping out his calculator to add up that Aunt Marsha's family got 100 dollars worth of gifts and he only got a 25 dollar gift from them. What he would notice perhaps is if they got 25 dollar gifts but he only got 5 dollar value.
But I think setting a relative limit per kid is reasonable. I mean a childless aunt gets the shaft if she has to buy for all her nephews and nieces... it just happens.. it's not always 100% equal. Besides.. a family with 4 kids probably has relatively less to spend on gifts anyway..haha.
It sounds like your family is being nice to try to include him. My SD's never got gifts from my brother.. and only a handful of times from my dad. but they didn't get gifts for them either...so... and we didn't spend holidays with them really at all.
Your DH needs to stop score keeping. You and your SS will have a good relationship if you both are interested in that. Your family will get to know him and include him more if he is available and around them so they get to know him more. Your SS is only likely to notice any inequality if it is pointed out to him... and it can then be pointed out that he also gets gifts from people that these other people don't too.
I'm sorry your DH is being so sensitive.. it really isn't helping and probably making it harder to blend.
Oh, he's definitely looking
Oh, he's definitely looking for reasons to be offended. He does it with them in other areas too. Fact is, I believe he's jealous of them and of my relationship with them. So he acts in a childish manner about things.
I never thought SS should be treated exactly like the other kids who've been around their whole lives. There are going to be differences. I just though that was logical. DH's reaction is just so extreme and, no, it doesn't make it easy.
I would LOVE to hear
I would LOVE to hear that phone call to your sister. "Hey Tina. Just wanted to make sure that you will be sending Timmy a present worth $100 while I will be sending each of yours presents worth $25 each. Cool?" That should go over really well!
No kidding! I was very firm
No kidding! I was very firm with him on that that, no, this was not acceptable.
Sounds like you have a Disney
Sounds like you have a Disney Dad!
I had one! But no longer (at least most of the time).
Read up on "responsibiility without authority" - he cannot expect you to be responsible for anything to do with SS8 but undermine you when you do something. The book "Stepmonster" was a very good resource for me. A great thing my DH did was want me to make sure SDs had clean clothes (i.e. do their laundry) but thought that requring them to actually use their laundry baskets (and any clothes not in them would not be washed) was too difficult. So basically, I couldn't make sure the SDs were putting their dirty clothes in them...couldn't ask, couldn't require, couldn't demand, couldn't discipline for backtalk. So I simply stopped doing it for SDs unless they had taken care of it appropriately. I stopped driving them anywhere, stopped picking up after them, stopped cooking special meals for them, etc. Basically I was becoming the parent - NOPE.
It took this site and other reasearch to reach a good balance, about 3 years to find my groove. And I'm there. You can read my back blogs if you want to get an idea. Your DH sounds a lot like mine....all about giving lots of good things to skids, only good things, no responsibility, no parenting, no teaching moments, just gimme gimme gimme and all. That will turn out badly.
DH never expected my family to treat SDs like their own though, they were respectful but distant. We live far away so that played into that. Lots of talks with my parents and sister about situation and what I do an don't do.
Do your reading. Stand firm. Don't get mad, get reasoned. Don't be wishy-washy. And don't fall for the guilt trip!
He's not too much of a Disney
He's not too much of a Disney Dad. He doesn't buy SS special stuff or let him get away with murder. He does cater to him, though, and expects others to see him as being as special as he does.
And thank you. I'll dig more into the site.
I think your DH is being
I think your DH is being ridiculous. As as contrasting example, my family doesn't see SS9 as their family, rather DH's family, much the same way as my in-laws are. We are long distance from my family, but when they see SS, they are nice and friendly to him. They do not treat him like one of their bio nephews or grandkids, because he isn't. SS has two sets of grandparents/aunts/uncles already from whom he gets tons of gifts. He isn't missing out. DH has absolutely no problem with this. Your DH is probably jealous of the closeness your family has and is nitpicking to convince himself that they're "bad people" for not doing what he thinks they should be doing. I would never expect my sisters or brothers to get SS gifts equal to what they get my toddler DS.
Bottom line - HE IS NOT YOUR CHILD. He will never be your child. He has two involved parents and he's their responsibility. When SS is here for visitation, DH doesn't expect much from me at all, nor should he.
I would suggest marital counseling. Maybe a third party will help your DH see clearly.
He's definitely jealous, in
He's definitely jealous, in my opinion.
I remember the week after we married, we went to a family Christmas gathering. He was depressed and moody afterwards. Eventually told me that it bothered him that I was so close to my sisters' kids yet didn't show the same attachment and affection for SS. This was after I had lived in the house with him for less than a week, vs. a lifetime with these kids. I pointed that out, but not sure he really "got it." I also pointed out that my sisters' kids run at me for hugs and kisses. SS at the time barely seemed to notice I was alive. Yeah, I was going to respond differently.
Thank you all! It helps to
Thank you all! It helps to get feedback from others. I've been stuck in this conflict: my sense of right and wrong vs. my husband's. There are some other issues going on but this stress adds to it. I wish counseling were an option but he's against it -- thinks it doesn't work. So, I'm starting to see someone on my own.
Nice to know others don't think I'm unreasonable
Do his parents treat your
Do his parents treat your nieces and nephews the same as they would their own? Does he have any siblings.. if he did would they be expected to treat your family the same. I think he is missing the fact that it is perfectly ok for different people to have different results depending up on their relationship. Shoot.. YOU don't even need to treat his son like your nieces and nephews.. anything you do is a CHOICE... now, I'm assuming that you probably do nice things for his son.. and to the extent that your DH starts treating your nieces and nephews as part and parcel relatives of HIS.. (not letting your treatment be the equivalent).. I mean he takes them out for treats.. treats them like his blood.. etc.. which I am assuming HE isn't.
He pretty much admits he
He pretty much admits he doesn't care about them and shows no interest. He says it's because they show no interest in SS. But, again, if we don't go to things... Relationships take time and effort.
Of course he's against
Of course he's against counseling. He might have to change his behavior and attitude and that's hhaaaarrrrdddddd. It would be much easier (for him) if you just got with the program (whatever that is, and you can't know because he can't describe it). Not every counselor is good, and not every good counselor is right for a particular person or couple. But there are good ones out there.
My skids were adults (chronologically) when we married, so I didn't have any expectation of the Mom role. But DH is exactly as you describe with my family. I am to assimilate into HIS family, but he holds mine at arm's lenght. We don't live near any of them, so it's not a problem because we don't see them very often. And over time he's become more at ease with them, but early on he did a few things that were terribly embarrassing for me because he was so uncomfortable and defensive when everybody was just being nice to him.
Years ago I casually dated a
Years ago I casually dated a man with three bratty children, and he conned me into wrapping their gifts with him. As we were going, he counted everything and added up the dollar amounts. He said they'd be keeping track. And throwing fits.
The concept was foreign to me. So I was like, wtf? You are the parent. Give them what you want to give them, whatever feels fair and joyful to you. If I got a $100 valued item on sale for $50, my kids never knew the difference. Especially at that age, they had no idea what stuff cost. My three kids have never played the ongoing "who got the bigger piece of cake" game. It's taboo in our household. Be grateful for what you got. I never entertained BS like that, and my kids never bicker about anything. They're all happy with whatever they get, AND to see each other happy. Christmas was always a happy, fun day with a lot of family togetherness.
Christmas isn't about collecting stamps. Hardly anyone remembers what they got for Christmas when they were 10, but they remember who they saw, what they ate, and what they did together.
DH only has one kid, and SIL has four, so we do end up spending a lot more on her kids than she does on ours, but we can afford it, and she can't. And if we couldn't, we'd give something fun at a lower price, it doesn't matter. But a kid at a party with other kids would probably notice if someone got a $100 value item and they got a dollar store gift, I suppose, that would be weird. Your DH sounds like a tightwad.
I think my kids' all time favorite gift was the balloon animal kit stocking stuffers I bought at Walmart for $1 at the time. Lol.
DH is big into bean counting.
DH is big into bean counting. He was asking me last week if I thought we'd gotten SS enough for Christmas. He was worried because he knows his ex and her parents will spend a TON on his gifts. I said SS doesn't exactly know or care at this age what things cost. He's not keeping score. The thing is to get him stuff he'll enjoy.
A moot point anyway since all SS seems to be interested in these days is his iPad. He was on it for 9 hours straight yesterday.
If H and SS don't go to
If H and SS don't go to family parties and events, they will never feel a part of the family. Yes, they are hard at first, but as you continue to go they get easier (at least for me). Over time, by being there and listening and interacting, you get to know these people. You know that great aunt A is going to bring X, and uncle U is going to say Y. When they mention something that happened two years ago, you laugh with them because you were there when it happened.
If you don't go to the in law events and parties you never become part of the family. You are always the outsider.
H needs to realize that he is married. This is family. Husbands go with wives. Wives go with husbands. Your family is welcoming. There is no reason for him not going other than he doesn't want to.
To not show up during the year, and show up at Christmas expecting a gift is (here I am. give me my gift) greedy.
As to your sisters not taking SS out, why would they? They hardly know him. H, by not going to and bringing SS to family events, has deprived the family getting to know him. And he has deprived SS from getting to know them.
H needs to self examine his actions and behavior. Your family is willing to embrace H and SS. H has to realize that if he wants SS a part of the family, his actions have to change.
Agreed. If only DH could see
Agreed. If only DH could see the role he plays in it -- and accept his own responsibility. But for him, it's all on their shoulders (and some on mine).
That’s just him trying to
That’s just him trying to gaslight you and make you feel responsible for his issues (kind of like he’s trying to make you responsible for his kid).
It’s amazing how similar our stories are...down to my close relationships with my niece and nephews who run to me for hugs and kisses...and a DH who pouted about it while expecting me to bend over backward for his three kids.
So sorry you’re dealing with all this. Makes the holidays no fun.
Thanks. I used to love
Thanks. I used to love Thanksgiving and Christmas. Now, I kind of dread them because I know no matter what my family does, he'll find a way to get upset about it.
It’s like your DH
had a child with someone and now is looking for a mother for it. This kid has a mother he is with her 50% of the time. You will never be his mother. He will most likely not like you, you will be an ATM to him nothing else
I've said many times that I
I've said many times that I feel like I need to be careful not to overstep. I don't want the mom to feel upset or threatened and I don't want SS to resent me. We don't have the emotional equity built up. Things he would accept from his parents and get over quickly because of their bond are things that could derail any relationship I have with him. DH thinks I'm being too cautious and over-thinking it.
He's afraid SS will notice he
He's afraid SS will notice he's different or treated differently and will be hurt by it.
Does he think his son is stupid? He knows who his family is and he knows who his step family is. In life, people will be treated differently by others based on their relationships with those people. It's perfectly normal and natural.
I think that your husband has some issues of his own that he is projecting onto his son. HE is the one who is going to end up causing his son to feel bad.
I just couldn't deal with this crap, and that's exactly what it is. He needs to get over himself.
I definitely sense projection
I definitely sense projection. Several times, he's said things like "Your family has been really #%$@# to SS and me." I've asked exactly how they've been bad to SS. He hasn't been able to come up with an answer. I think he personally feels awkward and left out and projects that on to SS. SS has a great time with all the family. He's not awkward or left out at all. Luckily, he's a boy who plays well with little girls since we have a lot of those. I know DH is an introvert and the family things stress him out. I get that. But when he sits off to the side, waves of tension coming off him, and looking like he'd just as soon bite someone's head off as look at them, no, he's not going to bond well. He gets along great with my parents when it's just the four of us. It's the big get-togethers he can't handle. Then he's got himself all worked up about them and set in his head that he doesn't like certain people and he's basically set himself up to fail there.
I can't fix that for him. But I'm becoming more and more aware that something will have to give. The status quo can't go on.
What really irks me is, if this all ends, he'll paint me as the bad guy, who couldn't accept SS, whose family rejected DH and SS because they're "snooty" and don't like divorced people (ignoring the fact that there are several divorced people in my extended family) and that I sided with my family over my DH. But then, I can't control his narrative. And if anyone believed that, then they weren't really my friends anyway, I guess.