My DH also said BM didn’t become terrible until after they married, however, they did fight a lot before getting married. Of course, they had known one another for less than 2 years before marrying. DH rushed into marriage because MIL told him that at his age (25 at the time) he should be married.

Once SSs are 18, DH and I will move away. DH is already preparing himself for MIL’s cries of “you’re a terrible father” and “you’re abandoning your children” when we do. There will be no notice that I’ve essentially been kept away from my family because DH has children and no notice that my aging parents might need me to help them.

DH’s sister lives overseas...in part to avoid MIL’s meddling. At last year’s miserable Christmas, she told me that she will never bring another SO home for Christmas because when she’s done that in the past, MIL has given that person “the cold shoulder” because MIL wanted to spend the holiday with her precious daughter, and only her precious daughter, not some guy precious daughter was dating.

BIL does not live far away, but we rarely see him. I think he sees MIL more, but MIL still complains that she doesn’t see BIL’s kids enough.

BM is none too happy to take advantage of MIL’s desire to feel needed and see her grandkids. We regularly hear from SSs that they spent BM’s weekend at MIL’s. MIL doesn’t find it odd that she has more access to SSs than DH does. She probably sees that as the true order of things.

I do think DH’s relationship with MIL has become more strained since I have been around because I’ve been horrified at MIL’s behavior. The more I learn about her the more troubled I become. For example, DH recently told me that when he was a young child, MIL used to say to him, “it’s my fault you turned out the way you did, because I was in labor with you for 36 hours.” DH has a learning disability, but has still done fine for himself. Who would say that to their child?! When I gasped, DH said, “what’s the big deal?” And I said, “she’s been telling you that there’s something wrong with you for your entire life.” He’s also told me some other insults, some of which are really inappropriate, that MIL would hurl at him once he reached puberty. 

I’m sure I’ll get blamed for whatever issues MIL has with DH, because I am, after all, the wicked stepmother. However, I’m okay with that, as long as I get to move far, far away from both MIL’s drama and BM’s drama as soon as SSs turn 18. It would be good for both of them to get away from their own needy, meddling mother, so maybe they’ll follow our lead and move away.