Update on the Lying!
Well..... If you remember I posted about SS10 constantly lying about so much stuff all the time. Needless to say he has been caught lying even more since than about the stupidest stuff.
Parent Teacher conference a few weeks ago, we go to find out he has had an assignment book all year long that school gave him. He literally kept telling DH and I to our faces that he did not have one. Seriously why lie about that, he does his homework. Also apparently he had not been turning in a few assignments. Yup we found out and well he got in plenty of trouble for all that stuff. We had taken away stuff last time and he had to slowly earn it all back. He did eventually. It took a long time to get his video games back I mean like a month.
Every time he got close to getting it back we wold catch him in lie or his attitude would go to crap. I actually lost my cool in public with him the one day because his attitude was so bad. He was pushing the cart always does when we go to stores never hits me with a cart. Because he was in bad mood and pouting he hit me twice. 2nd time i grabbed him by the back of the neck and was pissed. I also said you are so lucking we are in public cause I don't want child services called on me. Left shortly after that went home and sent him to his room so that I could calm down. It has been so bad lately.
Last night he lied about turning up the thermostat in his bathroom again. Like DH and I don't know that it is him. We do not touch it or hardly use that bathroom only one option left. Why lie about. Even his Aunt said to me the other day that he just says the weirdest stuff and lies about the little things. We were working on a puzzle all of us when she was over. I would step away to do stuff. I came back and he is like I put all the pieces together though he didn't and Aunt did.
Just to let everyone know we are not that mean. He gets plenty of stuff and we tell him all the time he is a good kid and we are proud of him when it comes to school. We are not negative in our our 24/7 we praise when it is right and discipline when he does wrong. He is in a special baseball winter training program 2x a week. He goes to his Aunt's and they go do fun things, he goes to my parents and gets to do fun things. At home we keep it simple. This coming weekend we are taking a trip to an aquarium and staying a couple nights in a hotel to enjoy the city and doing a behind the scenes thing while we are there. It is not like he is deprived of attention, or not getting enough.
Sorry so long. I still can not figure out where the lying is coming from and why? It is constant and just never stops. Anyone ever deal with this?
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Oh yes. I met my SS at 10,
Oh yes. I met my SS at 10, and he was lying about everything. It only got worse through the years. He is almost 19 and he lies all the time. He was totally PAS'd for years, and of course, he's even worse now. I do not believe anything he says. He lies and brags and cheats and manipulates and is just basically ... BM in a male body. Nothing DH did ever made it even slightly better, and frankly, he's almost unbearable to be around now because you absolutely never know what is true and what isn't.
No BM in the picture so he is
No BM in the picture so he is not getting PAS'd. He is with us 24/7
That works in your favor -
That works in your favor - but genetics are strong.
I am starting to think it is
I am starting to think it is genetic. I literally have not idea. I never met the BM.
Is this kid in therapy yet?
Is this kid in therapy yet?
No. We have thought about it.
No. We have thought about it. It is something we have discussed. I think we were just trying everything else and seeing if all that would work. I am tempted on the therapy just not sure how well that will go over. I really think SS will just sit there and stare a the person with a blank face like he does us, and just lie to them as well.
His Aunt I think has tried you know talking to him when we are not around. Just you know being there as someone to be a friend. Yup no luck there either.
Therapy may be the next approach.
My SS has had therapy since
My SS has had therapy since age 10. He just lies to them too, and if they call him on it, he refuses to go.
Sorry - hope you have better luck, but I think my SS is genetically and environmentally loaded for the Liar gene.
Sorry, but the first time he
Sorry, but the first time he hit me with that cart would have ended his cart driving privileges. In fact, I would not take him to the store with me unless DH was there to skidsit Mr. Pouty Pants.
Maybe
The boy feels like adults lie all the time so why can't he? His BM walked away from her implied maternal duties, his grandparents probably promised to be there forever and now they are gone, now you are acting like "mom". Kiddo probably needs that therapy to teach him that sometimes relationships change. It's just hella sad he has to learn that through his caregivers playing revolving door in his life.
Also, maybe cool it on grabbing someone else's kid by the neck. Especially when making threats.
I do not think G-parents ever
I do not think G-parents ever promised to be there forever. They always talked about retiring to FL. Yes he may need therapy from the fact his mom bio mom was never there and he has no clue who she is.
I am not acting like his mom. At this point I am his mom he calls me mom and we are in the process to make that legal. No acting, that would imply that I tend to bail on this kid at some point.
As for grabbing the kid. No I am allowed because I know my DH had no issue with what I did. I was no over the top violent about it. I did not hurt him.
Kids lie for all sorts of
Kids lie for all sorts of reasons.. usually one of the biggest drivers is that they are going to try to avoid getting in trouble. So... when you ask who ate the cookies.. "not me".. when you ask who knocked over the vase and broke it.. "not me". When you ask if they have homework...."no"... where is your assignment book.."don't have one" (when in reality.. he probably had misplaced it or something that day.. so just a quick lie to get out of trouble.
Now about that book.. why didn't his teacher's contact you after the first week or two that it wasn't being turned in? Was maybe someone else signing it.. like AUNTIE? Just be aware that a BM isn't the only one who can PAS a kid.. that aunt clearly feels she was in the mother role and it's fairly clear that you have had conflicts with her in the past over the kid.
And... I'm going to second the opinion that you don't need to be putting your hands on the kid.. grabbing him.. especially in anger as you did. Even a bio parent shouldn't be grabbing a kid by his neck in anger..and add to it a threat that if in private you would have physically harmed him to the point that someone would have considered it a social services violation. Yikes.. get thee to a parenting class pronto. With his attitude going in.. I wouldn't have given him the privilege of pushing the cart to begin with.. but you bet that the trip would have been over for us after the first hit by the cart. Even if it meant you didn't get what you came for.. plenty of parents have had to make two trips because parenting the child takes precedent.
And.. with the thermostat... you probably just need to put a locking cover over the device. The bathroom is probably cold to him and he is changing it for his comfort. He doesn't understand heating bills.. and it's going to be a battle that will be tough to win. Just cut to the chase and put a lock over the thermostat so he can't change it. Remove temptation.
Thank ESMOD. I get the
Thank ESMOD. I get the getting in trouble. He does not have to get his assignment book signed. They are teaching kids to be more responsible this year. No Aunt would not do that to us anyway. I know she wouldn't and she is never at our house during the week. Yeah Iost my temper it happens.
He lies about stuff he would not even get in trouble for. I just do not get it. Thanks for the advice.
When you grabbed SS by the neck
When you grabbed him by the neck and told him he was lucky you were in public, because if you were in private you might do something that could cause CSP to be called, you effectively put the idea in his head that he can call CPS if you ever get physical with him or even just discipline him.
I agree that you might consider some parenting classes or try reading some parenting books. I highly recommend "Parenting With Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay.
My best friend's daughter
My best friend's daughter went through a lying phase. She and he husband couldn't figure out why- it wasn't that they were super strict (they are total hippies about everything), it wasn't that there was discord in their home (BFFand her DH have been together since they were 14/16 and the happiest couple I have ever met), there was no rhyme or reason for it.
They did start chores for lying -- NOT THE ACTION. They made it clear that the punnishment wasn't for "changing the thermostat" it was for lying about it. Once she started coming clean for things she did with little punnishment or verbal correction the lying seemed to die down. I don't know if that helps at all and each kid is different but it was a phase that they seemed to be able to get on the other side of.
I keep hoping it is phase. I
I keep hoping it is phase. I am thinking therapy might be the next step for him. He use to lie a lot before I was even in the picture and got away with it a lot because g-mom, g-dad, DH, and auntie never communicated about anything. I am just wondering if he just does it because he just always has done it.
We catch him constantly. We have tried the whole you are in trouble for lying nope still does it. I hope it ends at some point. Thanks.
^^^This^^^
YSD lived with us between the ages of 14 and 18. Prior to that, DH hadn't seen her for six years. She lied, too. Oh, how she lied. From the grandiose to the mundane, she used lying to make the world the way she wanted it to be. We tried many different approaches, went through four therapists, and the only thing that worked was instantly correcting her as the lie came out of her mouth or confronting her when a lie was discoved.
When children are very young and "make up stories", there's a tendency to look at the behavior as a phase, evidence of a lively imagination, or overlook it altogether. Without correction, for some lying becomes a habit or coping mechanism as they get older. YSD started out this way, but really struggled with reality and hurt a lot of other people (and ultimately herself) by continuing to do as an adult.
Your DH should sit down with his son and ask him why he think he lies. He needs to teach him that lying is serious, wrong, and warm him that going forward, ALL lies will be met with punishment. As JMTB says, punish the behavior. Modify it now, or you'll have bigger problems later.
And get the aunt on the same page. She still holds influence over your SS, and all the important adults in his life need to create a culture where lying is unacceptable.
Thank you I will try to get
Thank you I will try to get everyone on board about correcting even the tiniest of lies. Hopefully this will help. It is just getting more and more lately.
Appreciate the advice.
Man you really rub some of
Man you really rub some of these women the wrong way huh? Lol.
Anyway…It is probably a phase and he will outgrow soon. I like “justmakingthebest” idea.
And don’t worry about grabbing him from the back of his neck. I am sure it was an attention getter for him and not an issue like you tried to strangle him or something. Lol
But yes…get him into therapy because it IS going to mess with his mind that his bio “mother” abandoned him. Poor guy.
Yeah I know I rub plenty of
Yeah I know I rub plenty of people on here the wrong way. I did not strangle him, Oh boy was I angry. I had never in the last few years been like that with him. I usually keep my cool. He was hitting every button that day with me and his dad. It was to get his attention.
I know it will mess with him at some point.
It's a phase
That they can grow out of if it doesn't pay off. But it sounds like it's paying off for your SS.
My SSs have lied with a straight face to my DH because they know he both wants to believe them and is gullible. When I tell DH that I believe they are lying he tells me I'm just looking for bad things about them. Then when it turns out they lied, he is ready with an excuse for them (and for himself on why he believed it and its okay that it turned out to be a lie). But it's gotten somewhat better because they know I can tell if they are lying/something is not right and that it's likely that I will figure out a way to instill a consequence. For example, OSS lied straight to DHs face that he had an electronic device in his room that he had not asked permission to have in our house (came from BMs) but because of some behavior I knew to check our network and I could see an extra device. When DH and OSS were not around I took the device (was sitting at the top of a nightstand drawer, so not hidden at all...that's how much they think DH will believe them and not bother to check). Now OSS didn't have it and could not ask because that would give away that he lied. The morning they were to go back to BMs, I told DH that he should probably go into his own dresser drawer (where I stored it without DH noticing and hadn't told DH about it) to get the device and give it to OSS to take back to BMs.
Not that my BS never lies but it's less because I know what to look for and he knows I either already know he's lying or will figure it out. Plus I have always given him consequences for both the lie and the thing he did wrong. And they are always very separate things so it hits home that if he hadn't lied he wouldn't have this additional consequence. For example, an extra chore for the thing he did wrong and no TV for a day for the lie (scaled according to the heinousness of the behavior and the lie). Which means he knew he may get in trouble just for lying.