Dear everyone,

This is my first blog posting and I have to say, THANK GOD! I have been vying for an outlet and a way to vent about my struggles. I don't have many friends (I tend to be introverted and a hermit) and especially no one that is in my unique situation.

I have been married since April 29th, 2017. I met my husband at a gas station. Yes, that's right. A gas station. It's a long, beautiful, amazing story- but that's not why I am here. I met him in 2015 and we dated off and on for a year before we got serious. I was married to an abusive husband prior and he had been married to a lazy, good for nothing wife- we both needed time. I met his children on Easter of 2016. They were unruly but sweet and he only saw them half the week. I moved in the summer of 16' and had decided we were going to get married anyway but immediately began to see the craziness of the kids. They ran amok, to say the least. No chores. No rules. No responsibilities. My DH had so much guilt from the divorce he let them do whatever they wanted. They slept in his bed (at the time 11 and 7), never picked up toys, never finished dinner and had snacks right after, watched tv and video games NONSTOP, and more. I am a teacher so I explained some developmental worries I had and he was so glad! He had always wanted to raise the children better but BM was always putting him down for being "mean" or "too harsh." So, DH made some changes. The kids didn't particularly like it but took to it to please him.

We moved into a house of our own December 2016 then got married April 2018. Upon moving, we got the kids more time because of some unacceptable conditions at BM's place (more on that another time). So we had them not half the week but Monday - Friday. It was hard- adjustments were made. Behaviors started to happen. We tried time outs, taking away allowance, token systems, taking toys away, taking outside time away- and more- but nothing really worked or stuck. Then, this summer we informed BM we were getting kids full time since she refused to change some of her behaviors which she informed us she was leaving the country. Never really explained to her children why and hasn't really had any contact with them.

It's been 4 months we have had them full time. We have run the gambit of issues from lying, stealing, killing my chickens, selective mutism...etc. The teacher in me has been sympathetic and understanding of their issues based on the trauma they have had. I get it. But, the teacher in me also says why should I be punished!? I have been on their side. Fought for them. But now it has come back to bite me in the butt. I tried being the best mom I could be and all the emotional turmoil has been for nothing. We have them in therapy now (and so am I) and it has felt so good to have my psychotherapist tell me they are doing these things to me on purpose but it doesn't help me cope.
DH is at the end of his rope too. And is so disappointed and disgusted with them. They are now doing all the things they have done to me in 3 years to him. I have had to take leave from work for 3 weeks because I have become a mess. I deal with difficult children at school then come home to it....I never get a break. I am seeking a new career and just want to be happy again. But they ruin my day/ life. The disrespect to DH is what REALLY gets me mad and I don't enjoy their presence. More than anything I want to throw them back to their mother like Merlin did with Excalibur..."Take it back Lady!" I was wrong. I thought I could do this. Thought if I just loved them enough, like my own, they would at least see it. I don't want to replace their mother. I just want to do better. I did, rather.

I no longer wish to be apart of their abuse and destruction. It's hard when they live here and are around all the time. I can't stand the sight of them and while I make sure they are fed I don't seek a conversation with them. I have to provide the basic necessities because all children must have them. But I do not seek to be anything other than their caretaker. It is not my job to be abused. It is my job to provide.

I can't wait for them to be gone and I am so glad I finally have a place I can say that. It is just a breath of fresh air to find other people who have the same problems as me! My heart aches for step-parents that have done their best to be good or just simply exist without causing too much fuss. But because of stories like Cinderella we get a bad rap! And I am looked upon as the evil- step mother because I exist. If I ever correct them it is because I instantly hate them. No. I instantly loved them because they were a piece of my husband. I lost that caring when I was beaten with everything I gave. And after 8 years with a husband that did that, I refuse to take it from 2 people who I didn't create.

I pray that this Christmas season all step-parents will get some reprieve and some magic happens. God works in mysterious ways and I just hope all the pain, suffering, frustration, and worries make us better people or just go away so we can laugh about it later like "Remember when we were miserable...heh heh...yea...not anymore.." I look forward to supporting others here and getting support, FINALLY. God bless!