You can't have it both ways- and also DH will get confused if you say you don't want to know and then you say you do. Find things to do that will take your focus from her and put it back on yourself- where it belongs.

Why do you need to know when he talks to SD? DH sometimes tells me he's spoken to SS, but not always. I don't care, as long as he tells me if SS is coming over or something that affects me.

Sounds like, in some ways, you feel jealous of his relationship with SD?

I do understand this, OP, especially if SD has been a drama queen/st*t stirrer, etc in the past.

I don't want to deal with BM/MIL/SSis BS, but at the same time, I don't want to not know what is happening. I want to be prepared for the onslaught of crazy, but that requires engagement. It's this fine line I walk.

So, here is my practical solution foe you: prepare for the worst but hope for the best. You likely know what shenanigans your SD will pull, so just assume she will pull them. If you think DH will drain a joint savings account, then set up a separate account that just had your name on it. If you know your DH will ask her to visit at Christmas, go ahead and start making plans to be away.

It's a bit like living in an area that gets a lot of hurricanes. You know they are coming, so you stockpile supplies, have an evacuation plan, keep a list of family members you can rely on for support, etc. Maybe the hurricane is little and nothing happens. Maybe it's huge and wipes everything away. Either way, you're ready for whatever awaits you, even if you didn't hear the latest weather report.

Try taking a similar approach. Assume they chat. Assume sh*t is always brewing. Prepare yourself as best as possible. Keep living your life as if the next hurricane isn't coming, because even when it does, you'll pick up right where you left off before it hit.

I certainly have not perfected it and it's been years for me!   But I completely understand where you are coming from when you talk about how conflicted you are emotionally.  Disengaging is very beneficial but it's also HARD sometimes!

It is extremely difficult to be committed to someone yet know there is a very important part of their life which you cannot be a part of.  In our case, it's skids.  In other people's lives it may be a meddling mother-in-law.  Or overbearing sibling.   

I think that disengaging from skids is actually more difficult though.  If you disengage from your mother-in-law most people are understanding and can sympathize - even your spouse/partner.  If you disengage from a skid it's seen in a much more negative light since many parents have a blind eye to their children, no matter how old they are.   Add in the complex situation of divorce and it makes it even worse.

When we disengage, I think a lot of us have similar experiences to yours.  It feels like our partner has a "secret" they are keeping from us and in a way they do.  That's never a nice feeling.  It's even worse when your own life and family is a welcoming and open book for your partner - yet you are closed off from a primary element of his.  It's never good to have this kind of imbalance even if you seek it out willingly ... like disengaging.  

In my mind, disengagement is the lesser of two evils.  You do avoid the drama of regular contact and involvement with skids but it is replaced by a silence which can be maddening.   I can sit and talk with my SO about the foibles and follies of my own family and he has no problem providing his viewpoint but his daughter is absolutely off-limits.  This can be frustrating since he has no problem giving "constructive criticism" about what he thinks of my family members' actions and what my response should be, yet if I were to try to comment on his daughter's actions he will literally get up, leave the room and mope/pout for quite a while afterwards.  So I don't do it anymore.  Thus, he has a whole segment of his life (including his emotional life) which is shut off to me.  Fundamentally, this does affect the overall intimacy of the entire relationship.   Our partners are supposed to be our harbor from the storms of life.   When they have shut down a whole segment of themselves it can't help but affect the closeness the couple experiences.  That's the sad part and it's also the part where you can "slip" and make the mistake to try and re-engage again.  

In your case, I believe you have a child with your DH which makes a world of difference.  You have your child who brings you together and that is a strong foundation to have.  Disengaging from an adult skid is then not as dramatic in the great scheme of things.  When there is no "us" child it makes disengaging more fraught with imbalance.   

But I must say that disengaging has helped in many regards - I don't say anything about his daughter unless absolutely necessary.  I don't spend money on her anymore.  I don't waste any time trying to think of ways to successfully engage with her since I know now it won't ever happen.  I have accepted that I will never have a relationship with her.  I have directed my emotional energy towards people who I know love me and appreciate having me in their lives.  Even when I learn of things going on in SD's life that my SO doesn't know about, I keep mum.  I leave his relationship with her for him to manage and that includes any news.  

The bad news is that I find it does affect what I choose to share with my SO about my own life.  I sometimes find myself holding back some things about my own family now, since I don't like the imbalance.  I figure he doesn't tell me about SD or how he feels about her actions, why should my family continue to be an open book?   The result is we both have sections of our life we don't share.

There are many couples who have such situations and they learn to navigate it.  And that's what I'm trying to do - take it as it comes. 

I am disengaged from my SD27 but I still have conversations with my DH about her. He tells me about their conversations (usually, I'm in the room when he talks to her) and we discuss what is going on in her life.

I've never felt the need to disengage from my husband, as far as his daughter is concerned. Since I am indifferent when it comes to her, talking about her doesn't bother me at all. I like to know what is going on so that I can be prepared for anything that might happen. It is also reassuring when I hear my DH tell me that he knows that his daughter is just trying to manipulate him. I know that I don't have to worry about him falling for her bullshit.

It is totally possible to be disengaged, yet informed. I'm not sure where the idea came from that being disengaged from somebody means that you can't even talk about the person or the situation. How can that happen when your SD is still a part of your husband's life and he is a part of yours?

For me, disengagement is more emotional and I have no emotions for my SD, DH can talk about her all he wants. I have very little to do with SD, herself. I don't talk to her on the phone, I don't suggest visits, I don't remind DH about her birthday or to call her on holidays, but talking about her is a non-issue for me. For some people, it's a trigger, and maybe that is what takes times, getting to the point of indifference so that you don't have to disengage from that part of your husband's life. Because not talking to your husband about her, at all, is disengaging from your husband, not his daughter. And from what I've read, it then starts to feel like your husband has a mistress.

You have to decide what you are comfortable with. If you still want to know a little bit about what is going on, let your husband know that although you want nothing to do with SD, personally, you are willing to to be his sounding board if he wants to talk about her.

Disengagement from toxic elements of a blended family and open book communication between equity life partners are two separate things.  Partners should communicate.  Cutting interface with a toxic Skid does not mean that you turn into a mushroom to be kept in the dark and fed bullshit by your partner regarding Skid communication and issues.

Though I detest the SpermClan, I do care that they are important to my son (Skid).  So, when we speak with him, I enquire as to how they are doing. I do not engage with them at all. But I want my Skid to know that he can speak with me about them and that I am interested because they may  be important to him.  There are no indicators that they are, but.........

Disengagement got easier for me. And my relationship with the skids improved.

I didn't make any announcements about disengaging, I just backed away from self-imposed responsibility. "DH, I think it makes more sense for you to buy the gifts for your family." If I don't feel like talking about his kids, I turn the coversation to something else.

That's not to say all is perfect in Merryville. I DO make my voice heard when DH's actions impact ME. Taking calls from SD and SS when we are on a date is a big fat no-go. Took me taking the car and leaving DH stranded for him to learn that lesson. DH and SS making plans for what DH and I will be doing is also a no-go. Whatever they "decided" is the one thing I will most certainly NOT be doing.

My issues are not with the skids. It is entirely with DH. I used to try to let it go, but that didn't work. There wan an inevitable blow up that wasn't fair to either of us. So, I've learned to say what was on my mind. I might wait a day or two if one part of my brain (or heart) tells me it's not a big deal, but if I'm still bothered by it two or three days later, then it IS a big deal.

In the case of your DH not telling you that the skid will visit in three minutes instead of three days, there must be consequences for him. It would be enough for my DH to tell him that it really hurts my feelings that he thinks it's ok to do that and take my presence for granted. Your DH might need something stronger to get the message. You have to make it more painful for him NOT to tell you.

They do this so they don't have to hear anything about it, or allow you to protest or leave. After all, SOMEONE has to cook and clean up after them!

This used to happen, and slowly we have worked on the concept of they must call in advance and ask if we have plans. Our pastor told DH that he MUST tell SKs, "I'll have to check with DW and get back to you." That is nice, but it was short-lived. We are in remediation now.

It is better not to know than to be part of the sick mess they have all created. I figure these are not people I would associate with anyway; given my treatment.  So...I do not care about people who act like this....

It does hurt that there are "secrets."  But, how bad could they be?  My money and our money is safe....and, even if they are talking about me (I think he learned to not do that years ago); they never see me and I am living a peaceful, happy life without their sick family drama 99.9 of the time. You can bet the drama will continue in that sick family, with or without us anyway.

I know I cannot have it both ways, and in some ways, that is a relief for me too.....do you really want to know?  You are above all this insanity.