Any child born into a marriage is the legal child of the husband. So you will be that child's FATHER, not his/her stepfather. 

What claim does his family have on the child? Is it legal and binding? It can't go above and beyond the rights you would have as the child's father.

It says that they must be informed and be allowed to have "mutually agreed upon" access to the child(ren)". They are also informed whenever an embryo is moved, so it wouldn't really be a surprise

I have to ask. It says. What is it? 

Have you consulted a lawyer to see how legal the it is? In reality, in many places, biological grandparents do not have many rights. Take the paperwork to a lawyer and find out if it is actually enforceable.

See a lawyer.
On your own - without your wife.
Find out EXACTLY what the legal implications are for yourself if your proceed using the embryos that would be child of the late husband.

I don't know where you are, but I am in the UK and this is a minefield.
Did the husband consent to sperm retrieval before he died?
Was there "implied consent" if he didn't?
Is his family aware of that consent?
If not, here in the UK, your wife could be charged with assault along with doctors who extracted the sperm.
She could be blocked from using the embryos.

Is there a time limit on how long the clinic will hold the embryos?
Some clinics have time limits.

In the UK, after a certain lapse of time, a child born of post-humous sperm retrieval is registered without a father.
If the child was born here, he/she would have zero claim to the name or estate of the deceased parent.
You would also not be able to put your name on the birth certificate even if you are legally married.
The child essentially is legally fatherless.

Don't nickle and dime your ethics on this down to cost.
Yes, the procedures are expensive, but I would consider whether the late husband wanted children, or whether he now becomes a father of a child against any wishes he had previously because it is cost effective for you and your wife.
It may become more expensive if you are locked in a legal battle with his family.

Don't do it. Use your own or someone elses sperm. Do not involve the deceased sperm. Sounds like a shit storm waiting to happen.

I'm also curious why you would legally need to inform his family.. the child should be legally yours.. right?  Even if there was some question as to whether you would be legally the father.. his family wouldn't be entitled to any visitation at all.. it would be similar to if she had a child before her DH passed.. if she chose to cut out his family after he passed.. they have no legal claim to any child she bears.

I can see your quandry.. on the one hand... there is a logistical, statistical and financial advantage to doing one vs the other.  However, it can be a hard act to follow when you marry a widow who was in love with her DH.. I'm sure it must be difficult at times to deal with the fact that on some level she misses and probably still loves her first husband.. but then again.. it's not like love is a finite emotion... I do think it's possible for her to cherish and value you just as much as her first husband.. I mean, theoretically, if she had met you first.. she may have never even met him right?

then there is the issue of raising a child that you may feel is not entirely yours due to the genetic makeup.. now this one thing should be clear.. you will absolutely be the only father this child would know.  While you and your wife will most likely let the child know his true genetic background.. at some point.. it's not like he can truly miss someone who literally never existed in his life and therefore it won't be a typical "step parent" relationship.. you will be his emotional and physical father.

I don't know what your situation is financially.. and it seems like the logical thing to do would be to go for the less expensive and more certain option of using the embryos.  I think maybe you and your wife might want to entertain the thought of going through some counseling.. perhaps together and separately to work through your feelings before you make a concrete decision.

I mean, in the end, the cost of even the more expensive option will pale in comparison with the cost of raising any child you have.  Perhaps it might be worth it to at least try one round of the more expensive option before you 'settle" with the other?

Because, even though the logical choice might be the existing embryos.. the heart decision would probably lean towards trying for your own biological child.  In fact.. there is no reason why you can't to the embryo route if you are unsuccessful after a round or 3 of your own attempts.. and that difference in money will be less significant as the years pass.

$20 K is in the ballpark for you trying with SO.  Can not see even with embryos it would only cost $4 K.  If you do IVF your self and get a number of embryos, second and third attempts would be only 4K each not 20 K.  If they implant 2 embryos the first time always implant more then one. More like three she only has one attempted with old embryos anyway 

It’s your mind. And only your mind.  Nobody can tell how you are going to feel about it,  can you except a child with your SO, EXs DNA.  This is highly personal. She already been through the harvesting of her eggs  So that nothing new for her.  I would try on my own first and hope for enought good embryos to do two or three cycles 

Don't do it.
There comes a time when we need to let the dead rest in peace. It is hard enough when you spouse's marriage ended with death. You are an interloper in a future they never imagined for themselves... You are the partner they would never have if circumstances were different. Do not go digging up a world of hurt and old wounds because of cost.   

Makes this not worth it. The deceased husbands family is high conflict and most likely controlling. Do not do this to yourself. Plus the cost to your marriage and mental health will be huge. As you have stated your wife loved her first husband, she lost him through death not divorce. A child that is biologically his would bring so much sorrow to you. The comparisons and similarities the baby would have with its dad would be a constant reminder of him to you and especially to your wife. You could end up being the third wheel, like so many SP do! 

Duplicate

The more I read into all of this.. I think you would be much better off attempting your own IVF journey first.  Get yourself a line of credit perhaps with your home as collateral.. if you don't need it all.. great.. if you do.. it will be there for you.

I would try for your own bio first.  High Conflict EXINLAWS will be a thorn in your side for as long as you live.  You will be coordinating sharing of holidays and all sorts of other visitation type issues with them.  plus, while it's not fair.. it will be difficult to accept you.. their son's replacement.. and there will always be some part that will resent your wife's choice to move on with her life.

yes.. there is a difference in cost.. BUT.. kids are expensive.. over the kid's life the difference you spend now will be negligable.  I understand it's a big sum of money now.. but in the long run, I think it will actually be cheaper.

What about adoption? Cheaper than your own IVF, and neither of you will be the bio parent.

What does your wife want to do?

I'd worry about her attachment to the skids if she was able to carry to term.  What the heck would her mind set be having her dead husband's kids?  Where does that leave you if she goes bonkers and you have to divorce her?  Would the skids be in a three way war over custody?  These inlaws, are they wealthy and have unlimited money to fund lawyers, expensive gifts for skids and other ways to mess with your life after skids were born?  

I see giving away too much in the situation and getting very ilttle in return that is concrete for me.  I do agree a visit to a lawyer specializing in family law is worth the cost.  For you only.  Knowledge is power and the more you know the better.  

This really is a tough spot to be in, and I would 100% not be comfortable with it myself. It's a shame there are the issues of his parents needing to be involved as well- that sounds like a lot of trouble down the road. Your choice would perhaps be simpler if you didn't have that additional drama to consider.

That being said- I'm trying to think of it from the other side of things- and how I would feel if I were your wife. I can't imagine being married and in love and losing that person. How devastating. But, then having the opportunity to still have a small part of that person, by having a child with their embryo. It's pretty amazing when you think about it. Her husband obviously has no fault in this, and you can't fault her either- it's a tragedy he died and they weren't able to be together. If you did this....He isn't around to intervene in you being this child's father. The kid would be yours. If you are were able to get past the mental aspects of it and accept that this would be YOUR child, and not a stepchild...I honestly think it would be pretty amazing of you. Being able to incorporate an important piece of her history and heart into your life is not something many people could do. I sometimes see stories of new spouses being able to respect and honor and be thankful to their SO's prior spouses that have passed away, and it just seems selfless and very open-minded.

Now, this very may well be one of those things that sounds good, but the reality is that most of us are jealous and NOT that open-minded. There would be absolutely no fault if you didn't feel comfortable with it. Like I said, I would have a hard time wrapping my head around it myself.

Just something to think about I guess. I don't envy you being in this position.

I've learned the hard way though many years of very awful lessons, to avoid contentious legal entanglements, at all costs.  Especially lifetime entanglements with HC people.

Plenty of kids are awaiting adoption.

I think there's a lot of other people's emotional baggage involved in this, and not enough of your needs being met.

And there's an awful lot of maybes, unknowns, and potential pitfalls for you in all of this.

What do you as a man want for yourself? Do you want to have a child? Do you want to be a father, pass on your name and all that? Have you, individually or with your wife, sought counselling about this?

This is a complex issue, and about so much more than what is the most cost effective option.

Probably because I am 50, with no bio children, and would have loved to have a child of my own. With all my nurturing, mothering type feelings that have no outlet, I would give this a try. Before she gets to a dangerous age and cannot bring the child to term.

I myself have Munchkin SD12 in my life and treat her like shes mine, but a little more reserved of course. With a lot more disengagment. This would give you the opportunity to be a father, and her the opportunity to have a child that she fought tooth and nail and spent money for. My practical side sais - "well she paid 20k for this" and then "well its the least expensive alternative". Munchkin look exactly like her mother, ToxicTroll, whom I despise. But I dont see her at all anymore, so to me Munchkin is just Munchkin and I really love her a lot, genetics be darned (sometimes).

To me it seems like a golden opportunity for the both of you.

The caveat being the EX Inlaws that ALSO fought tooth and nail. Figure things out ahead of time. Get a lawyer, and see what visitations would look like. Perhaps you and DW should have some contact with them - you mentioned that the fights occurred several years ago. Perhaps, with time, they have mellowed out.

Also, seek some counseling, it might be helpful to talk out the other aspects you mentioned "basically paying for your stepchildren to be born" (actually they would in all ways be YOUR children!) and "she would have still been with him had he not died". These things can really mess with you in any normal circumstance, and bringing children in is going to add to those emotions that are already there.

Welcome to steptalk. What an unusual situation! Is this deceased man the only child of an extremely wealthy family???? Royalty? A politicians forgotten son? 

I feel like maybe this post isnt for personal reasons but more of an exploratory conversation starter about ethics of IVF and adoption. I missed the reason why a young, newly married, healthy couple would need IVF. Were the embryos created posthumously? Your wife sure does have a lot of ethical issues when it comes to any different route other than using these embryos but has no ethical problem a- creating a child that she might not have the right to create and b- obligating you to being the "stand-in" to her dead husband- raising his kid(s), havign his family help call the shots. Seems hypocritical and selfish. Did I see shes 33? That's not too old for a couple of kids. My sister, who struggled with fertility, had her last kid in her 40's. 

I see someone further up beat me to this. Perhaps you would be happier on an IVF site that has more experience with this subject? Around here we already have live children to resent us and cant imagine allowing this type of headache to happen and cause us more grief.

Just please follow the advice you've received to see a lawyer ON YOUR OWN and to see a marriage counsellor with your wife. The only way I'd consider the existing embryo emplantation is if you could raise any potential children as yours and legally yours and not as step kids. It's hard enough being a parent without step complications. I was willing to take on step kids because I have a kid, too. 

I will say, as a biological parent, there is nothing more wonderful than seeing your husband/wife in your beautiful baby. I love watching my son grow into his features that are half me, half the person I love. I love watching my son's little mannerisms and how they match my husband's. I think your wife is holding onto something that she shouldn't be holding onto in a new relationship/marriage. 

It would be incredibly painful for you (and likely for her) to watch these children grow up and watch your wife fall in love all over again with her ex who is no longer with her. She will likely see all sorts of parts of him in these children and it will break her heart, and yours. 

Why don’t you do embryo adoption instead?!?!? That way it is your child equally, cost is lower, and no drama from deceased husbands family. 

There are lots of people who adopt out their extra embryos- you would have same success rate, not as invasive etc. 

If I were in your shoes I would insist upon embryo adoption.... if your wife is not ok with this than she shouldn’t be ok with you accepting her and her deceased husbands embryos either.

There should be no ethical issues involved in this route.... they are embryos who came from loving couples who also went through infertility issues and are wanting to pay it forward!!  Most fertility clinics offer embryo adoption. And these embryos come from couples who didn’t want the embryos not to be used.  

I think that going this way would put you both on the same path and not cause any resentment later. Amd because you went through the pregnancy together and there is no DNA bias involved it would feel much more like both of your kid

So she had the sperm frozen but there aren't any actual embryos yet correct? If it's just the sperm then she they would retrieve her egg? I think you also need to look further down the road towards the future, what will you tell the child? Are you ok with the child being forever tied to her dead husbands side of the family? How will holidays etc work out then? Is she mentally in a good place to go through with all of this or is this being done out of continued grief? Are you yourself able to deal with the dead husbands family forever being tied to your child?

IVF does not have to cost $20k per round.  I had IVF nearly 10 years ago.  Because of the cost, I ended up having it overseas.  In the Czech Republic, IVF is much less expensive, including medications, airfare, and accomodations.  If you are really serious about having your own biological child, look into other options like medical tourism.  

Would IVF be needed regardless of your sperm count?  If not, you could use donor sperm and IUI which is significantly less expensive.