Hoping for feedback and support - I sent a text to adult SKIDS today
I have been really upset for years about the way my daughter and I have been treated by my adult SKIDS. They are in their 30's and were out of the house before I came into the picture.
Been about 12 years and I have been treated like dirt and didn't say anything to them. An aunt told me step-parenting is a long game. Just always be nice and never say anything you will regret. I have done that and so much more.
It has become apparent that at least with one of the three that no matter what I do I will not be included in anything. This is being passed down to grandchildren and the oldest has been super disrespectful lately to my husband about "breaking up with her grandmother". She has only known me as his wife and doesn't have a lot of contact with her grandmother so this has to be coming from somewhere. I love her and the other grandchildren to pieces and I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt my feelings, which makes it odd that she feels that their relationship which was over almost 20 years ago is relevant. Lately, she is asking questions that I can't answer - like are you coming to my birthday this weekend? I can't say we weren't invited and this was the first I heard about it. She questions why I don't have her come over the house and I can't tell her that her mother won't let her because her grandfather developed a drinking problem (this sounds confusing - I totally agree children should not be around drinking adults and support that, but this is when he is and has been completely sober) and that I am not invited over their house. This has gotten so bad that the grandchildren think I don't care or want to see them. It is hurting them and me. There is a laundry list of grievances but suffice it to say that I am the one that remembers every birthday, anniversary or milestone for the entire family. I buy all the presents, offer to be there whenever needed and really haven't asked for anything except for help with their father (who was injured) a few times a year. They call DH all the time, let grandkids talk to him, etc. and I am ignored completely.
I just had a 50th birthday and NOT ONE SKID noticed. Grandchildren the same. This happens every year but this year my husband reminded them. I waited a couple days and decided that the writing was on the wall and I just can't win - the right thing to do is to call it quits. I sent the following text, and would like to know if you think it was harsh:
"My 50th birthday was a couple days ago. I understand people forget birthdays and everyone is really busy. The thing is, you have forgotten every birthday for the last decade. This year, I know DH reminded you the day before. I understand that I've made life choices investing time and energy into people that never wanted me to be part of their family. With no hard feelings, I am going to stop doing that. I won't bother you with texts or calls in the future and will expect the same consideration from you."
At this point I am not upset or angry but the responses I received from them were upsetting and I was wondering if the community could comment.
What were you hoping to
What were you hoping to achieve with that text? What kind of responses did you expect to receive?
I wanted to make a clean
I wanted to make a clean break with the relationships instead of just never answering a text or phone call. In essence, I was saying "let's call it a day". As for the responses, I knew that whatever they were, I am done. I didn't expect how appalling they would be and reinforced, I think, that I did the right thing.
Also, so you have some perspective, everyone else in the family including DH felt it was the right thing to do. DH actually said "it's not like you are going to be missing very much"
Disengage
I recently got a scathing email from one of my SD out of the blue. It was the most nasty email ever. I wrote several responses and then threw them away and did not respond at all. I felt better after writing my responses but realized it would not change a thing. I decided not to respond to the immaturity. Nothing is more bothersome to an instagater(s) than no response. You won by not responding back to them. Trust me, after a couple of weeks of thinikng about this I felt I did the right thing.
I can see how that would be
I can see how that would be frustrating to find the answers to the grandkids questions, ones that would be child appropriate. It would be great if your DH answered the questions for you, like johnny on the spot, ....like "What?! why are you bringing up that?!, it was 20 years ago and she broke up with me!! you should be happy that grandma AnnaP found me or Id not have a wife all these years! you silly kid!"
my skids dont remember or celebrate my entering this world, then I would have never met their father, which they would have loved. but on my birthday, I am usually feeling so important that I text my SSons and DIL and say "Its my birthday!" then they usually text back "Happy Birthday". Some times they ignore my text and then text back three days later and say "sorry, I didnt notice this text, how was your Birthday?" I already know im not their favorite. My birthdays are awesome anyway and my DH gets me anything I want. (usually a bag of candy corn, but sometimes a vehicle or real estate or go out to dinner)
Real estate or car! You go
Real estate or car! You go girl! That's awesome. Take that Skids!!!
Like you, I have had many
Welcome to the site!
Like you, I have had many years of having my birthday ignored by my step daughters, who are now in their early 20s. The only time it was remembered was last year, which coincidentally coincided with financial support ending for both of them. So any further monies would just be discretionary - they were obviously acting tactically.
I think that your message is fine - I feel that if you have been the butt of bad behaviour from BM and/or SKIDs for many years, the time eventually comes when you are sick to death of it. At that point, I think it is OK to speak up on your own behalf - saying whatever you want to say to them. About a year ago, I told SD23 some home truths and it felt so good.
Well done for what you said.
Your only mistake was in not
Your only mistake was in not blocking them so you did not have to see their responses.
I cut my adult SS and his GF out of my life about 18 months ago. I blocked them everywhere it’s been lovely
Happy Belated Birthday to you
Happy Belated Birthday to you !!!!!
I disengaged also, but didn't
I disengaged also, but didn't bother sending SD a text. I felt like she'd figure it out sooner or later.
That said, just disengaging without comment was rather anti-climatic for me after so many years of taking crap from SD. Still, I didn't want to discuss it with her or have to justify my disengaging by dredging up the past -- I just didn't want ANYTHING to do with her and I didn't want to dignify anything about her with an announcement that I would have nothing to do with her.
She knows what she did or didn't do. To hell with her.
Yea, I think you did the right thing by disengaging. It's the best option out of few options skids leave us. After your text blows over, everything will be back to normal: them ignoring you and you wondering what the hell you did to deserve it. But now you don't have to worry or care. Good move!
disengage
Your best bet would be to disengage entirely from them. If they turn around and say somethign nice or call you for something positive, then welcome it. but disengage from everything else.
Lesson learned you know where
Lesson learned you know where they stand so disengage now and call it a day. You don't need them to acknowledge your birthday. Just focus on you and doing what makes you happy. You don't need their validation or well wishes, it wouldn't be genuine anyway.
Block them from everthing and keep it moving.
Happy Belated Birthday and wishing you many happy more!
You didn't elaborate on the
You didn't elaborate on the appalling responses your skids sent back, but I can imagine. They were shocked you refused to be a second class citizen in their family and would no longer beg for their acceptance. These "original family" members somehow think they are special and that we need their approval. And how dare we expect respectful treatment as late and unwelcome entrants into their family? Like we are humans deserving of respect? ***gasp!!!***
I would caution an SM to never become too close to the sgkids.....they are the perfect weapon to be used as both carrots and punishment. I loved my DH's gkids at one time, but have not seen them for years. I wish I had not wasted my time. They were sweet at one time but envisioning my SD raising them and how superficial they will turn out shows me I am not missing anything.
You didn't mention if you felt supported by your DH. That makes all the difference in the world. Tell him you support him having a relationship with his children but these are not children on a COD plan - everyone is an adult and he can manage the relationship on his own.
Don't respond to any of the text messages you have received. You have finally accepted where you stand. Just move forward with your life and happiness and leave them to fester in their own unhealthy thoughts.
SKIDS....
I may have to borrow this....
You engaged to let them know you were disengaging.
The opposite of engaging isn't the act of disengaging, but rather indiference.
I think that's why "disengaging" fails most people. The act of "disengaging" is still an "act". Its a verb. Its consciously "not engaging".
"Indiference" is where you need to be. That place where you don't give AF. Its the place where you just live your glorious life without a second thought to those toxic people.
Being a stepmother is
Being a stepmother is generally a one-sided relationship, you are supposed to love and give to them like they're you're own yet they are not required to do the same. They are "bonus" children while you are the homewrecking money grubber who took their father away. It doesn't matter how many decades you sweat and bleed for them, in the eyes of society they do not have to thank or acknowledge you. If you're a step father it's a different story, these men get accolades for "stepping up" for another mans children.
Grandskids are a tricky situation, you love and get attached to them yet they can be snatched away from you at any moment due to skid whims. I agree w/above poster who said not to get too attached, it's hard I know.
Don't be surprised if your "wicked SM" text is splatter all over social media for everyone to see just what a "b" you are. The best response to skid snub is no response and to live your best life.
Still Learning - you nailed
Still Learning - you nailed it!
Thank you all very much!
Thank you so much for all the comments and feedback. It really helped. I did block them on my phone and text messages (although I DO wish I had done it before).
Weirdly, it may have been a good thing to know their thoughts about it. I can't imagine they feel badly this way. :) I would tell you what they said but it is so specific I am afraid one of them would see it online. Basically, you have been annoying us for years - good riddance!
My husband has been supportive but only after years of this. It started out that he kept telling me how wonderful they were - such sweet people (one of them called me a prostitute another made threatening jokes about beating up women - so, yeah, super sweet individuals.) Admittedly, it had come a long way (to much more subtler insults and zingers). Anyway, they were all great to my husband until he actually needed their support. Now, he is viewed as a "drain" and they are terribly mean to him until they need him for something. He jumps to help them no matter what. Don't know if it is because he is trying to turn the other cheek or wants to fix their relationships but I THANK GOD that he finally sees how terribly nasty they can be. I think the final turning point for him came when someone from outside the family heard/saw what they were like to me and let him know. I kept saying don't leave me alone with them because they are so mean to me behind your back and his response was always that I was just sensitive until that day. From some of the things written on this website, that seems to be par for the course for SMs.
It struck me what SacrificialLamb had to say about the SGKs, about how superficial their parent was and how they would learn that over the course of growing up. I could see how that would easily happen in this situation. There are things that happen now that I can see are really hurtful to the SGKs and the only thing that seems to matter is how popular they are and what superlatives they are doing. One of them is super-artistic and painfully introverted and instead of recognizing that and making her feel ok in her own skin they make up stories about how many friends she has and what her life is like. It is sort of like a facebook makeover. I remember one day I picked her up from "Polo" early to see if she wanted to see a movie and bake some cookies and do some artwork. When I got there, my stomach dropped to see her alone in the corner. There were some girls near her that seemed to want to be friends but she just couldn't shake the fear of rejection and wouldn't answer them back. She saw me, yelled to me and came running. I told her my plans but said I didn't want to wreck what could be a fun day and she was like "can you just take me out of here now." I tried to tell her mom it didn't seem like it was going so well but that was turned into a grilling for the poor girl. Then, there are things she waits to tell me until her parents are out of the room. One of which was "could my presents for Christmas stay at your house because I really like your presents and my mom throws them out?"
So all in all, I feel like doing this means I have escaped death by a thousand cuts. Thank you all for your kind comments, they have really helped.
Happy birthday. And welcome.
Happy birthday. And welcome. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and to get some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.
The advice you received that Sparenting is a long game is bang on IMHO. I take the zero tolerance do what is necessary to win approach myself.
I confront inappropriate behaviors with facts and make sure that all in the mix have the facts in an age appropriate manner. For us that included reviewing the Custody/Visitation/Suppirt order with my SS, reviewing the SpermIdiots arrest and criminal record with SS and as immediately as possible giving SS the truth and facts anytime the SpermClan pulled their manipulative bullshit.
I think that GSkids should have the facts as well. This limits their manipulation by the adults involved. This worked well for preparing my SS-26 to deal with his toxic SpermClan as he grew up and now as an adult.
How you have dealt with all of this seems to be working for you.
Take care of you and be happy. Living well is the best revenge against the toxic blended family opposition.
Good for you, you did bring
Good for you, you did bring closure to a situation that certainly needed finality. I have never written anything to them of the like, but by the time all of the mess went down for me- for good, nobody in the family questioned why I was no longer around...LOL...I know I am giving them what they wanted, but I am so much happier not walking into that pit of rattlesnacks any longer; trying to belong where nobody cared to have me around.
Many times we have no choice but to stay away; these are bullying situations in their purest form. Even worse, fighting back makes us look like we are the bullies ourselves and puts us on their level. Just more mature to take the high road and create your own peace, by staying away from the sickness.