First of all, it sounds like things are going pretty well so congrats

Second, a 7 year old is probably saying that you're not part of the family as a matter of fact, not because he doesn't care about you. At that age they are still figuring out how the world works, and to him, family is the standard Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, Brother, etc. Your boyfriend could just talk to him about how family is really about those that are closest and most important to you (we've had these talks with our skids as my DH's bio dad is not involved, but his stepdad is). Try not to take this personally, it could truly be just a 7 year old thinking about the facts that y'all aren't married, not that he doesn't care about you.

Third, I was in a smilar boat as you with your boyfriend's vasectomy. My DH had TWO vasectomies (first one didn't work...hello SD13) that were done 10 years before we met and he got a reversal done. We now have two beautiufl daughers together When I was thinking the same thoughts of "what if it doesn't work?!" I just decided to be positive, and to cross that boat when we got there. My DH was open to adoption, and a sperm donor, altough I hadn't even thought about my feelings on those. Also, there is another procedure (although much more expensive) where they can extract sperm directly out with a needle, andyou can do IVF with that. Just FYI

So welcome, and dont' stress, sounds like you have a great thing going!

Similar boat, though BM isn't dead (not sure if that would make things easier or harder at this point).

Regarding the comment from your SS, you have to realize that you haven't been around that long. Two years may seem like a long time, but it's not. You have only lived with them since August. Their mother has only been passed for two years. All of this is still *incredibly* new. So, no, you likely don't feel like family yet.

My SSs were kind, loving, etc to me before DH and I got married. However, to them, until DH and I tied the knot or were together for much, much longer, I wasn't really family. I wasn't their SM. Society (and possibly BM) had taught them that marriage was important and it is what makes a family a family. It wasn't said out of disrespect, and they never treated me as less-than (which DH wouldn't allow anyway). Just, in their young minds, marriage = family.

If they treat you with respect and kindness, you can't ask for much more. You aren't their mother. You aren't their family. You are Dad's girlfriend. They have a mother who happens to no longer be living. They have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc on their maternal side. Her death doesn't leave a vacancy for a new parent or family. So, while they do need to adjust to their "new normal", you nor your BF can or should expect them to create one big, new, happy family. Being kind, loving, and respectful to you IS enough from them. Whether or not it is enough FOR YOU is a different matter altogether.

Regarding the vasectomy reversal...my personal philosophy is "would I still be with my DH if his fertility issues were due to natural circumstances versus man-made?" And the answer is yes. If my DH were struck with low sperm count, etc and we couldn't have children naturally, I wouldn't leave. So why would I make a successful reversal of his vasectomy a deal breaker? Plus, even if it were successful, I have no proof that I am fertile. I could throw away my DH in hopes of getting pregnant elsewhere only to wind up being the problem, so then I'll be childless and alone.

Whether You want to adopt that philosophy or not is up to you. It's likely not a popular one, and that's okay. I know my life would likely be easier with a man or woman without kids. And maybe the fact that I can have relationships with women and know children would be a challenge there, too, makes me far more open-minded about the kid thing. But for me, it has always been about *intent* to want a family, and for my partner to build a family connection with me. Even if their kids don't want that.

Overall, though, none of this matters if your gut is telling you to run. If, deep down, you know you will resent him, and know you will resent your life because it may not go as you planned, then you need to walk away. Step life comes with a lot (think metric f*ckton) of compromise. If what you're being asked to compromise is too much, then it's okay to walk away. Many of us have walked away from partners we love because love doesn't make a relationship work long-term. And as much as it sucks to give up someone we love, what we potentially lose by giving ourselves wholly to a relationship that beats us down is so much worse. People can love abusers and enables and toxic people, and knowing that is enough to realize that love isn't enough.

No, I'm not telling you to walk away from your relationship. It's quite possible that you're just nervous and have cold feet. But don't do yourself the disservice of not examining those feelings. Dig deep - really deep - and be brutally honest with yourself. As much as you love your SO, does that love make up for the things that you potentially lose by staying? Do you gain enough from him to make it worthwhile to stay? Those are some deep and dark conversations you have to have with yourself, and I highly recommend finding a therapist who can help you sort through those thoughts and feelings appropriately.

I also recommend sticking around here and reading the stories of other SPs. It's not always nice and pretty. You'll likely be shocked at what you read. But it's reality for many of us. It's the cold, hard truth that society doesn't portray as they vilify SMs and talk about "bonus kids" in their "bonus family". Stepparenthood is HARD. Make sure you're really committed to it before you jump in and tie yourself to it biologically and/or legally.

Ok, regarding the 7 year old's comments about you not being family.  Well.. kids kind of can be very black and white with their thought process and right now, he is correct, you are not part of his family.  You are his dad's girlfriend that he apparently likes and you like him too.  Even if you get married, you still will not technically be the boy's mother (bio).. you will be dad's wife..now that doesn't mean you can't still have a great/loving relationship with him.. but for a variety of reasons.. he may not be comfortable with the label of MOM when it comes to you.  I don't think it's personal.. so please try to not take it that way.  I find that the people who have the most success with steplife are the ones who are the most flexible and can kind of roll with the flow vs trying to put their indelible "stamp" on the household.  So many have made misteps by running in and trying to 100% change the way the household works.. not saying that if there are zero rules it works well.. but going in and making the kids adhere to new and much more stringent standards overnight can cause issues. 

You have a great guy.. raising great kids.. support him in that and let the relationship with his kids develop naturally.

As far as the vas and reversal.. there are no guarantees with anything really.. you could meet and fall in love with a guy that has a low count and you wouldn't know it until things "didn't happen".  You are also a factor and you never 100% know your full fertility probablilty either.  What would you do if you (personally) were not able to have kids (not talking about his issues.. but you).. what would you do? Adopt? remain childless?  So, it's a risk but maybe the doctor can give you some idea of the kind of risk it is.. would your DH be ok if you went AI if he couldn't get you pregnant? 

*

Even the best relationships are hard sometimes. I doubt the "not part of the family" comment was meant to be hurtful. But what a good opportunity to talk about all different kinds of families. Maybe it just means that he knows you and his daddy aren't married. And if Dad reinforces that yoiu are, in fact, family, that's really all you need. The child might have more questions, and that is healthy.

Why do you think you feel like an outsider? Is there something you need? Are you living in the former marital home? 

There is never a guarantee that any given couple will conceive. And then there are pregnancy complications that can happen. You will worry yourself silly if you dwell on things that might or might not happen. 

Before you total commit to this marrage.  Kids need perfessional help, losing a mother at that age is has to cause many problems in them.  They need someone to talk to.  That might save a lot of head aches in the future. Yes, you can always get out if thing go sideways .  You have to know that you may always be an outsider.  What about BM. BM and her BF are they involved? And to what degree?  BM , sister and brother ?  

Think Positive. Great advice on here. You have a supportive BF/future husband and the boys sound very open to accepting you as their "mother."

AT 7 years, kids understand things symbolically. He will become more aware of feelings other than his own.
This is a great book for kids. I bought it for a friend who is in a blended family with young children.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/28256239-a-family-is-a-family-is-a-f...

My only advice is the let the vasectomy reversal heal fully before you test out the equpiment.  We didn't quite wait long enough and ran into a problem that was solveable but left us wondering if it could have been avoided by being patient.  We had one shot for it to all work as we both had issues but we have a beautiful 9yo girl out of the whole experience.  We were also older than you and SO are so that should be in your favor too.  

As for the boy, I wonder what he thinks family is and if he was goading his dad into proposing to you.  You can never underestimate what a kid can come up with.  

I don't know anything about vasectomy reversal, but I have some experience with little kids and "family."  My SO has a 3 yo and a 6 yo.  The 6 yo has told me that I'm not in their family, even though I've been around for a couple years, they live with us half the time and they're also with me every weekday.  They spend more time with me than with either of their parents.  However, she also told me that once SO and I get married, I'll be her stepmom and then I'll be in the family.  So to this kid, married=family, and it's nothing more than that.  She's not trying to exclude me, just tell me the facts as she knows them.  I wouldn't be surprised if your BF's 7 yo has a similar thought process, and whether it's by virtue of more time or marriage, you'll become family.

You have a good situation, you can likely become these boys' mom (I hope you will adopt them) and your husband is a good parent. It won't be smooth sailing, but those two factors will help a lot.  Most of us are on this board because we either deal with a crazy other bio parent, or the spouse is a crappy parent (or both), and you have neither.

Of course you are nervous, but I don't hear anything that says "run" to me.

It’s unfortunate that pretty much the only snag in your relationship so far seems to be the vasectomy...which of course is a pretty big deal. Everyone gave great advice (for the most part), but might I add...please keep an open mind regarding your options for kids. Hopefully the reversal works and you won’t even have to act on any “Plan B’s”, but There are soo many ways the two of you could have a child together. They may not be the same as having your very own, but I do believe life works out the way it’s supposed to. And if having a birth child with your SO isn’t in the cards for you, I bet you would be surprised at how happy you could be with your SO and you adopting, or artificial insemination.... It would still be an amazing adventure you and your SO would be on together, and it would be YOUR child. Embrace whatever life has in store for you. :) 

I hope it all works out the way you want it to! 

His kids are young -- they don't have abstract thinking skills to realize you are part of the family. And your relationship isn't that old. I think when you're around a while longer, the kids won't think of you as an outsider. In their world, their mom was just there yesterday. The important thing is whether they like you. If they do, you will naturally fold into to idea of "family" as time goes on.

I'd say you're in a good situation. While you might not have your own kids if the reversal doesn't work, you'll have his kids free and clear, without a meddling, hostile BM keeping you at bay. This is about as good as stepparent situations get.

I can honestly relate to you. It's ALL new to me too. I was 32, no kids, never lived with a man before or dated a man with a young child(3 yrold at the time). I cringed at dating because it was not fun anymore. I just met him and i knew he was the one i wanted to share my life with him. After the date he called his mom and told her "I  found her mom, the one.....but she is leaving the country for 10days!" Lol I still think it too cute. He is 36 with a young son. Divorced a little over a year and wanted to date again, BM left the marriage. The day i came back from vacation i went to his house because he cooked me a birthday dinner. I was hesitant because i don't go over to mens houses right away but when i got there his son was here too. Moved in 3 months later and It felt right with him. (Even with BM drama because I told him, YOU handle her and I didn't pay her no mind) Not from the start but as soon as I moved in. It was a game to her, (i don't want you but as soon as he get a gf she wants him back....ha ha ha ha) Nope, im no good at sharing. 

BM would see her son and have him less than 24hrs and drop him back off untill she learned of me living there. Then she would have their son more like 4 days in a row max (till this day). She would teach him not to call me mommy,i m not his real mommy, i am not family, he don't have to listen to me, if I spank him call her right away! All kinds of other things I can't think of right now. 

I know your Ss7 is still adjusting to you being there. Does he  think you are his mom's replacement? Someone in the family might be in his ear, he could be getting it from kids at school. Don't let that discourage you in being the best Smommy you are to him. Yes it hurts but i have to remind myself he is only 4..... It's not him, it's her! 

I'm happy that you two have family plans together. I say to myself  take  the bad days with the good because i see something so wonderful in this man it worth my time my efforts and I DESERVE A MAN LIKE THIS. ( I take care of my disabled mom where my paycheck goes to and he has never has asked me to pay a bill in this house) of course i do contribute in alot of other ways but he takes care of me. 

I treat this relationship as if there is no option to run, stay and work it out because it affects more than just you and him. My SS finally stopped a month ago asking me," Are you coming back?" when i go to work. That broke my heart every time because he was 2 when his bio mom walked out on them.  

Be happy with them and on your days you need "ME time" just communicate that with your BF. It has worked for me. He gets in his feelings but I tell him some days i need to JUST BE! I'm here if you need to vent more, I can relate to the changes of being just me..... to all 3 of US. 

OP, I'm wondering what the rush is? You've known this guy for just over a year, moved in two months ago and now want him to reverse his vascetomy. Is marriage in the future or is the entire goal of this relationship to get a sperm donation from him?  Does he really want a child with you or is this at your insistence and he'll play along to keep you?  

The guys wife died not long ago, the kids lost their mother and you want to come in and change everything to fit your wants.  New "mommy", new sibling.  The kid says you're not part of the family and now you want to add another part of yourself to it.  As a very outsider point of view this whole situation seems very one sided and not well throught out.