"I don't know if we can ever have a good relationship
Because my Mom said my relationship with you will only be as good as the relationship I have with Focused and she practically ignored me on my last visit there" is the latest OSD26 said to my DH. She's referring to the visit when she told me "she heard us". DH told SD he didn't witness me being unkind or unwelcoming to her at all. He also told her that their relationship is between the two of them and her BM needs to stop telling her things about him/us because she has no idea what goes on in our home and that she's caused enough damage between them.
I was sitting next to DH in the bed when this conversation was going on and of course more was said, she was trying to throw my name in several times before he finally told her to leave me out of it. After he got off the phone he asked if I can try to converse more with her on her next visit because she cells uncomfortable (her words) coming here. I told him to practice what he preached to her. I also told him, if she does come I will address anything she wants to know regarding me. He said he understood BUT does he? Clearly not and I will not be dragged back into their dysfunction. He loved when I was the 'buffer' and so did she but I was also her competition and target (she will never admit that).
I may be wrong, but this is yet another manipulation tactic from both BM and SD. BM has trained SD very well but I wish they just go away. BM, for some reason still wants to punish my DH after 25.5 yrars and SD made it clear she didn't want me in the picture and when I gave her what she wanted, that's STILL not enough. I must admit though, this would have bothered me a year ago but now it's become comical. This girl will not be happy until SHE knows she has caused a rift between DH and I. She is in for a rude awakening once again. There's no question just another ridiculous attempt I guess.
"Because my Mom said my
"Because my Mom said my relationship with you will only be as good as the relationship I have with Focused and she practically ignored me on my last visit there"
Because mommy said so. What a ridiculous excuse that your DH should see right through. Your DH is right in that the relationship is between SD and DH. But your SD wants to make him feel guilty and plant the seed in his mind that SM might be a big ol meanie, which is why she kept bringing you up. Mine used to do the same thing, if something happened that was completely unrelatd to me, she would find a way to attach it to me. To make me sound like a big ol meanie.
And then DH asks you to sacrifice yourself to make his relationship with his DD easier. What exactly are you getting out of this? Does he really really think that would make SD like you? I did that for years with mine and it sure didn't do any good. No, he just wants it easy for him. Stand your ground that you will not be dragged into their dysfunction. And SD wants to play the game of puppetmaster - doesn't want you around until you gladly remove yourself as her target, then she misses having that target. You are not going to be sacrificed for his divorce and his poor relationship with his daughter. And definitely don't give SD and BM any indication that this has caused strife in your marriage.
"Mine used to do the same
"Mine used to do the same thing, if something happened that was completely unrelatd to me, she would find a way to attach it to me". And that is what drove me to disengagement with SD 2.5 years ago.
"And then DH asks you to sacrifice yourself to make his relationship with his DD easier. What exactly are you getting out of this? Does he really really think that would make SD like you? I did that for years with mine and it sure didn't do any good. No, he just wants it easy for him". You've answered your question. He wants to make it easier for him. I too did that for years and that's why I have no desire to get sucked back into their dysfunction. She told DH that she made several attempts to get me to engage in her conversation (when everyone was in one room together a hand full of times) and I would not say anything if she was talking but I interacted and laughed with everyone else. Of course I did that and DH probably picked up on that vibe as well but I was not mean or unkind to her in anyway. He was asking if I could converse if she initiates a convo. I still told him NO and She is here to see him.
Though my DH was never married to her BM they (SD and BM)both STILL act as though I tore their relationship apart. Hell, he was in a whole other relationship/marriage after her and before me. They are just mad because they have lost their control over my DH that they once had and assume I'm the cause. I will not get sucked back into that mess.
"They are just mad because
"They are just mad because they have lost their control over my DH that they once had and assume I'm the cause."
That's it right there - loss of control.
My OSD prides herself on being able to manipulate people; she even bragged about it. She also bragged about how cute and charming she was and that everyone liked her.
So with that wonderful assessment of herself, it can only be my fault that she no longer has her dad wrapped around her finger. It of course has nothing to do with him finally opening his eyes and seeing that whenever he did not do what she wanted, he got punished. And that she really only cares what he can do for her, not the other way around. And that she really doesn't care about his happiness, only hers.
But I get the blame anyway, which I am perfectly fine with now. When she finally told DH I was not part of the family, she was shocked when I was happy to oblige her. I removed myself from her life and she has not seen me in years. I was not clamoring to be part of her enchanted family and beg to see her perfect children. You know, because she is SO CHARMING and everything.
Like Sacrificial Lamb, I
Like Sacrificial Lamb, I almost choked on my cornflakes when I read :
"Because my Mom said my relationship with you will only be as good as the relationship I have with Focused and she practically ignored me on my last visit there"
BM and SD are wangling to try and make you unpopular with your DH, like the conniving manipulators they are. What a ridiculous statement. My SD21 has always done exactly the same, ie poured poison into my DH's ears, about me for many years, but he isn't stupid and he can see right through her. Personally, if I were you, I would completely stop any attempts to appease SD - you are never going to anyway, so why waste the effort and wind yourself up in the process? Put your energies into something else.
"My SD21 has always done
"My SD21 has always done exactly the same, ie poured poison into my DH's ears, about me for many years, but he isn't stupid and he can see right through her". Yeah, my SD has done the same and I know my DH sees right through it as well. He just thought this time she "changed" because she actually reached out to him and told him she wanted them to fix their relationship. He's usually the one chasing honestly. I don't even like discussing her with him anymore but I did tell him that she is manipulating him and I'm not getting involved with her/their games.
I stopped trying to appease my SD almost 3 years ago she's just trying to get my DH to force me to re-engage with her so she can start back up with her hateful mind games. And he really think she wants a fresh start. Like you said, it's a waste of energy and time. I'm done with it.
I have told my DH that will I
I have told my DH that will I will not re-engage with SD if she doesn't even treat her own father with respect. If she does not treat him with respect, its a hopeless cause for her father's wife - the Family Intruder.
I put the ball completely back in their court and told him when I saw them have an appropriate, respectful father-daughter relationship, I would reassess my opinion on the matter. And that is because I know that will never happen.
If I were you I would tell your DH the same thing. "Show me that father and daughter have repaired their relationship and that it's healthy. And by the way, someone else, namely me, getting the blame for all the problems, is NOT healthy."
If my SS said that to DH at
If my SS said that to DH at age TWENTY-SIX (or now, at 18), he'd ask him when he planned to start thinking for himself. I can't believe your DH entertained that nonsense.
Daaddeee is your issue, SD is
Daaddeee is your issue, SD is just a symptom of his parental sickness. Stay away from the family nut house until he can get a grip on his DD and teach her 101-- respect my wife. Change is unlikely, so you be the change in your life, and do not count on DH to protect you. You do it.....yourself.
BM Cranial Rectosis
"Because my Mom said my relationship with you will only be as good as the relationship I have with Focused and she practically ignored me on my last visit there"
SD clearly has BM cranial rectosis. (Translation: SD needs to remove her head from BM's ass.)
Banish them to the island of Step Misfits!
"(Translation: SD needs to
"(Translation: SD needs to remove her head from BM's ass.) " I agree with this 100%. That will never happen because in SD's mind her BM shits gold and she will never believe a word my DH say over her BM. She's a sick, lost cause.
I refuse to even have a Hi
I refuse to even have a Hi/Bye relationship with SS and his GF. They literally do NOT exist in my life. Except that I did help DH pick out some really obnoxious (but cheap) Christmas presents for the grandchild that will really piss off the GF especially.
Part of the reason that I think DH is so compliant in keeping them away from me is that he knows that I would have no filter in telling them exactly what I think of them.
One has to be more subdued when you are dealing with a minor child - but a grown a$$ adult is fair game.
You could tell your DH that you will "converse" with her but he's probably not going to like what you have to say to her.