I'm confused - why does he blame you if it was his choice not to go to graduation? The note from SS makes no indication that they think you are the problem.

sounds like the skids are trashing DH, not you......I dont see anything in your post that should make you the bad guy-

When money is involved, including inheritances, that's often a deciding factor.

Based on the little you've provided it seems as though there is significant money on the in-laws side.  The skids know this and so does your DH.

I wouldn't be surprised if the in-laws told your DH he was going to be dis-inherited unless he "fixed" his marriage and made his kids (gskids) happy - and if that means dumping you, so be it.

Get yourself a very good lawyer and be glad you are out of this mess.  Spend the rest of your future trying to repair the relationship with your own son.  Even thought he may not be directly affected by in-laws money, he was affected by skids' mind-poisoning. 

Good luck, you will need it.  Money makes the world go round, unfortunately.  

So, your stb ExH has hatched a plan to ditch you, blame it all on you and get his adult children back. Yup... that is probably his best chance. 

I think it is stupid the way some people will chase adult children. My DH and I took our vows very seriously. Foresaking all others. Our minister even spoke directly to our kids and said that even above them, God says that our marriage is the most sacred union. That one day our children will leave our homes have have thier own family. Their marriges will come before us as well. 

I don't think you are a bad guy, I think you are a scapegoat. The only thing you can do is take your child, and move on. Live your best life. Go on those cruises too, go to Dubai-- have those same experiences with your kids, and hopefully a man that actually respects you as his wife and partner. Not someone who will throw you under the bus and let you take blame for their actions. Becasue the reality is, you both should have gone to graduation. Let her look like an ungrateful brat who was awful to the woman who helped raise her. The family would have seen what a B she is and you would have been the "victim" and her the monster instead of it being perceived any other way. 

They didn’t win.  You did.  The only mistake you made was in putting up with 'em for so long.

ETA: But, I know what really hurts is that you dedicated a huge chunk of your life to these people/ this family, and none of them have any appreciation for it whatsoever.  Odds are high, if you could go back in time and not get involved w/this man, his daughters would have probably all wound up being drug addicts, because that is usually what happens with kids born to a drug-addicted mom, who passed, with no real “mom” substitute. 

Little do they know that if it wasn’t for you, they’d probably all be strung out right now vs. being productive adults.  Your DH and no one in his family have any recognition of how you literally saved these children’s lives, and they are so full of themselves, that I’m sure they all think you instead detracted from their lives. 

I hate to say it, but it is not all that uncommon for this to be SM’s “reward” for literally saving another family—to be kicked in the a$$ big time by pretty much all involved.  And, you especially got gobsmaked! It could happen to any of us.  Although I’m at a better place with my DH now, hate to say it, but if he got a similar letter from his kids, I could just about see him going for the same!  This is pretty much all of our biggest fears.  It is only after the fact, marriage or long-term commitment, that most SMs realize even with your own husband, the love of your life, one day you can be in and the next day you can be out, and it can all be pretty much due to his side of the family alone, incl. him, in-laws w/ fixed loyalties, his ex- & kids and so on.

I guess if there was one piece of advice I could give potential SMs to help them make the decision regarding if being a SM is for them, it would be that:  Realize even with your own husband, the love of your life, one day you can be in and the next day you can be out, and it can all be pretty much due to his side alone.  That is regardless of how strong of a relationship you may think you have with your DH at this time.  For many women, especially nowadays, they’d rather be alone or go to a sperm bank than have that hanging over their heads! 

Your son was living with you.  He saw and heard what was going on, yet still turned against you? That tells me, more than one side to this.  I would have advised family counseling prior to your DH kicking out his kid.  No matter how nice the In-laws house it, it was an extreme step.  I don't know if you and DH want to try counseling at this point, so much is water over the bridge.  I agree with PP, look for a lawyer,  Also, unless you have a good earnings record on your own, if you  have not been married a full 10 years, I would advise waiting till the 10 year mark passes to file for divorce to give you more social security options. 

How stable are you feeling right now?  Are you able to look him in the eye and ask him if he has a plan for when he has divorced you and that STILL is not enough?  When he remains on endless "probation" watching his cruel children through the window and hoping that they will let him in - standing there ALONE?  I would let him know that, out of respect for our time together, I would be willing to consider this request a moment of desperation and weakness and forget it.  But that if he actually wants to go through with the divorce or ever brings it up again, all the pent up frustration and anger of standing by and watching him being treated so shabbily by his spoiled children will erupt and the target will be him funnelled through the divorce proceedings. You will go so that he can have a life alone with them but you will not go quietly!

I would get my bio kid in the car and move 4000 miles away or he is going to go over for visitation with a group of aholes who are going to talk bad about you and try to turn them against you.  I would never contact them again and just file for CS at the office 4000 miles away and then appy.  I would make a new life 4000 miles away and start over, cut my losses.  Its going to be fine.  It might actually be great! how about alaska? how about St. Thomas, VI?  how about Peach, Canida?   The first thing thats going to happen after you move away, is he is going to miss you, then crash and burn. Hes going to justify his actions ad believe the fake news that his family is telling him.  then hes going to be miserable. then later inlife hes going to go after you and BS and try to get you back.  I would change my  phone number.  I would avoid getting a divorce until after the 10 year mark for Social Security spouces benifits.     

I'm sure there is much more to this story. Your own son has disowned you. 

Being your son was with you long before this SD came into your life, I doubt any 'lies' she spit out From afar being she was booted out nine years ago and likely never saw much of your son again... your son was 9yrs old at her booting and 11 at her missed graduation) influenced your own son too heavily.  She was but a stranger more or less and you his mother who he had known to that point all his life.

Your son moved out to be with his father and your own extended family turned against you Not just your skids and your in-laws , but your son and your family. 

Now husband wants a divorce. He could get 50/50 of your little joint daughter. He intends to try and reunite with his older children. Your daughter will be involved in the lives of husband's older children, perhaps even with your own bio son (her 1/2 brother) as you say the SD has such influence over him. 

I would hope , as everyone moves on from this, some serious thought and reflection goes into the process before anyone goes on to repeat the same mistakes. What ever the mistakes were and regardless of who all made them.

"If you want us to have a relationship with you, you have to apologize to her, Do that, then you have a family again, if not then this is how it's going to be."

How does it go from an apology to divorce?

I definitely think there is more to this story and I doubt that it's just about the graduation.

"I hoped that none of his kids would turn out successful, but they did."

Seriously? You hoped that none of his kids would be successful? Those aren't exactly words from a "caring and nurturing" person.

I am sorry you are hurting and we come here to support each other, not tear down people when they are hurting.  

OP has explained twice now that the one line from her long post that everyone seems to want to focus on was just a typo.  Can we put that one aside now.

How does everyone in this situation wind up going after SM?  Easy.  I'm not saying SM didn't do anything wrong or is completely innocent, but given the dynamics of this situation that were long in place prior to SM entering the picture, it is not too difficult to see how things wound up the way they did. 

First of all, BM was a drug addict and died from a drug OD.Where was dad during all of this?  Maybe dad tried with his then spouse or BM, or maybe dad had his head in the sand.  Either way, the children from this relationship will more than likely blame dad for "allowing" their mom's disease to continue and eventually lead to her death.  You have two daughters from this relationship that are very close in age; this makes them almost like twins in their actions.  With mom gone, the eldest, takes on the mom role, and even the other siblings alluded to this in the OP's post above.  That older sister was a mom (their interpretation).  Older sister takes on mom/ wife role in the household, and dad is willing if not glad to have her do so, and next thing you know, SM comes along. 

Now, SM is dad's wife.  This is SM's role.  She is married to her husband; this is their household.  However, elder daughter isn't having any of it!  At all!  She is used to being mom and mini-wife.  Dad had no problem with her in this role in the past.  She's not giving either of those roles up; she has her younger siblings to protect (in her mind).  Lines are drawn and sides are taken.  Her other siblings (and in-laws) are used to having older sister in those roles too--mom, mini-wife and protector.  Things finally come to a head when eldest daughter is kicked out of household.  Even prior, the entire family had SM and eldest daughter in a 1:1 direct level of competition.  Now that is exemplified further.  No one ever asks themselves if a then teenager or adultolescent should even be in the role of mom or mini-wife.  They just go with it and expect it and have long since giving their loyalties to a blood relative vs. a non-blood wife.

Now, graduation comes for elder SD.  She creates this fantasy scenario in her head where dad will come and hug her and choose her over SM (because as far as she and everyone else is concerned, they are equal competitors).  She has placed a million dollar bet (in her own mind) on what really should only be a $50 dollar bet.  No one sees not inviting SM as any wrong, because, again, they think this is strictly a SM vs. SK thing, and of course dad will chose his own child.  Well. . . , dad chooses his spouse, because she is his wife and to be his side-by-side partner for life.  What does everyone else see?  They see that dad chose SM (not his wife, but a SM) over his daughter, and how dare he!!  Daughter plays this up to the max., intentionally or not.

Now, there is only SKs and wealthy (and $$ quickly becomes important in this too) in-laws vs. dad and SM.  SKs have long sinced convinced in-laws that pa-pa and SM are the problem.  In-laws think these kids staying with them are just perfect, because elder SD can do as she pleases with them.  She can be "perfect."  She can now be a normal teen or person vs. a mom and mini-wife.  SD excels; other twin-like SD excels.  SS excels.  In-laws think it HAS TO be bio-dad's and SM's fault.  SM's bio-son sees his older siblings all with $$, getting to do what they want, whenever they want.  Bio-son is more than likely being PAS'd by his bio-father and by his older step-siblings and DH's family as well.  Bio-son sees a much bigger sail on that boat than bio-mom's boat.  He wants to be on the bigger boat with the bigger sail with more people on it.  BM and his younger half-sibling?  Nothing anywhere near as exciting and as wealthy going on there. . . .

So, with most on the big boat with the big sail with near unlimited funds, they or someone decides to strike while the iron is hot, and send dad an FOff letter.  Depressed dad now starts to eye that bigger, better boat too and wishes he was on it.  And, that brings us pretty much up to today.

AND, that is how a SM, with little efforts or input of her own, winds up becoming a family's mega-scapegoat (while at the same time, actually saving the family).  AND, most of this shiatsu was put into place and motion long before she even entered the picture.  And, that is why so many SMs can never win and never will.  AND, that is why any woman thinking about becoming a SM should really get a degree in sociology first.  But, I wholeheartedly admit, that didn't help me at all, prior to the fact. 

This is tragic.  DH is dealing with a firing squad and no doubt he feels an unbearable weight of emotional pressure that makes him think it is necessary to choose between you or the entire family. I am so sorry you must be the sacrificial lamb. 

I am truly surprised that his bio family would oust him without at least giving some credence to his reason for the decision not to go to graduation. It seems his side of the story was never vindicated. If the triangulation has gone on for a time and he allowed it to go on I can see how SD has managed to milk the sympathy cow for every last drop. That is one crazy and colluded web to try and untangle. 

It sounds like SD has done a phenomenal job of triangulating and turning the entire family structure against DH.  You were absolutely implicated as the firestarter from the very beginning. What an evil, spoiled child SD is.  It's completely dysfunctional that DH thinks his only resolve is divorce. In my eyes, he did the right thing standing by you when SD forced a "choice." Unfortunately, she used the move to the grandparents home like some kind of sadistic banishment catalyzed by you.  And, no doubt she used the very "distinct" graduation moment to build and continue momentum to turn the tables on sentiment. I cannot even imagine what SD has manufactured over time to provoke such division.  

I am truly surprised that not one member of the family shut her down. At least one adult in the bunch must have been level-headed enough to see through the drama and expose clarity of the situation to others. The depth of the division is truly a feat of hatred. 

My SD24 began the sympathy triangulation with family members and she was instantly shut down by my DH's sister (who has the role of family matriarch).  Other family members, who saw the probability of SD creating manipulative problems, warned me to watch out for it.  I am very aware of her ploys, but have left it to my DH to take the reins. SD also used her "graduation" to start problems. She is basically weaving the same story as your SD where she can. I have no qualms about telling the facts to the family about SD's distorted lies. It was her doing that prevented DH from attending, but she makes it out to be "negligent father...poor me....he chose her over me."  I realized quite a time ago that SD's goal is to eventually make me the cornerstone of blame. What I will point out to others is that her problems started long before I was in the picture. She's a mirror of her narcisstic mother. DH nor I will not stoop to triangulating other family members, but you can bet that we speak the facts whenever we hear of her atttempting to turn others against us. Tit for tat.

Is it too late for counseling? I think the entire family should receive a well-written letter from DH clarifying a few things. Are they completely lacking any clarity from DH's point of view? They need a wake up call.  If you do proceed with the divorce, DH can rest assured that he will never be able to be in another relationship as long as he lives. He will not live well with this decision. Get the best legal counsel you can and a therapist who specializes in blended family traumas.

Do you want to divorce?

If you don't, don't despair just yet. Everyone is heated about something and your husband may have spoken out of emotion and distress.

Let things cool down. Get a plan about how to address this. There are options before you go this route -- maybe they can work, maybe not. But if you don't want to end the marriage, give him some time to cool down.

I know how hurtful it must have been to hear that he wants to divorce. You must feel awful. But if you want to stay in the marriage, you will have to fight for it. You're up against a lot and things look very black right now, but when the dust settles, you might have something to work with. I'm really sorry.

I don't know even know where to begin in this big toxic mess. One thing I would do is take some time, do some soul searching and see if this marriage is even worth saving. Therapy is needed for sure if you stand a chance at saving what you have left. Another priority would be to contact my BS and find out why he doesn't want me in his life. You need a heart to heart with him and fix this ASAP. This would be a major concern for me. What happened and what was said to him that he feels so strongly to be away from you? You have to find your way back to him and repair your relationship with him.

Also try to shield the child you have with H as much as you can from all this f@ckery. Take your little one and assess on how you want to move forward because this is all just so messy at this point. I can't imagine continuing a marriage with all this dysfunction. Its not healthy and you need some peace of mind.

I too have a Toxic SD - Toxic Feral Eldest SD19.5

I too was going to be excluded from high school graduation (although she barely passed!) but then SO now DH, stood up for me. He was told that there "were limited tix, so CLove cannot go, but Aunti #1, #2, Cousin #1. and #2 plus BM Toxic Troll and Munchkin SD12 were invited".  I thought of it as a "get out of jail free card", but SO INSISTED I go, or he would not go. Auntie #1 insisted that I have her tix. It went back and forth a little, but "poof!" magically a ticket appeared and an offer "here, I waited for a long time in line so pelase go".

I sat on a hard bench for 4 hours in blistering hot sun, with no hat and no water, took time off work (no pay), and also NOT A SINGLE THANK YOU. But I know two things: SO needed my support because of ToxicTroll, and also we would have been the "horrid bad guys" if we did not go. I took photos, all ended well, or so I thought.

Cut to now - your post awakens my biggest insecurities. DH and I just got married in July (big drama - we eloped!) and Toxic Feral Eldest blasted DH via texts a few weeks ago, making him feel badly, saying he was abusive, and I bullied him into "losing her". Same song and dance that your DH is going through - so you have to do the "pick me dance", and I feel like that as well.She also accused us of abusing Munchkin SD12, who actually stepped up to the plate and DEFENDED us to her, ToxicTroll BM, and the family. Called me "her second Mom"

But now, just yesterday, my insecurities came roaring back. ToxicTroll BM is now asking DH for a car for Toxic Feral Eldest because she is spending too much money on uber (no car). His response is that he promised her a car for graduation present, and he will come through on his promise, but she must get her drivers license first (she doesnt even have one)

In our case, Toxic Feral is now living with ToxicTroll her BM, who hit and choked her a 1 1/2 years ago. No princess treatment there, but now she is feeding poison to Munchkin, and BOTH ToxicTroll and Toxic Feral are texting DH what a horrible father he is, what a horrible person I am, and how could he "choose CLove over his own SEED, his BLOOD, fruit of his UNION, precious fruit of his LOINS.

Same thing. Dh sais that he picks me, and stands by me, and that Toxic Feral can live her life, and until she gets her head out of her a$$, he will disengage, and not feed into it.

Your situation sounds a bit more complex, but it is eerily similar. 

You be there for your children - they are your number #1 responsibility. Work on that. Your husband - well, he needs to figure it out himself. Saving the marriage takes you BOTH, you cannot do this alone.

Im sure there is more to the story - but I agree with others - "Money changes Everything" - song by Cindy Lauper.

Good luck. I know that you meant that you wanted them to be successful. When I saw the texts from Toxic Feral, I sent her off with love. Go with love. And I closed that door, and am working on disengagement.

Like others have mentioned - get a lawyer, work on your Bio son relationship, and not necessarily in that order.

Im so sorry you are going through this!

My husband said he would be making the biggest mistake of his life and he will regret it if he divorces.

In paragraph 4 OP states that she encouraged her DH to GO to graduation WITHOUT HER.  one poster said she wouldnt let DH go without her.  

I wish people would be gentle with new posters.

I just hope new posters let their own hearts guide their decisions. 

I'm sorry for your situation. It sounds like your SKs never accepted you and never wanted for your relationship to work out.

The oldest SD used her influence with her family and siblings to make you out as the bad guy because your DH stuck up for you and she wasn't about to have any of that.

It was DH's choice not to go to her graduation but I'm sure she blames you for that. She probably felt you made him stay home put of spite because you were not invited.

Honestly, it's very dramatic of her to have spent a week crying and still to this day have a grudge because DH didn't attend. She needs to understand that the fact that she was constantly trying to exclude his wife made him feel as if he needed to place boundaries to enforce respect. One of those boundaries being 'if you're excluding her than you must not consider my feelings, therefore you are excluding me-so why should I consider your feelings?'

She is a very self centered person and that will not change. It's her way or the highway. The amount of emotional manipulation going on here is astoundibg.

If things have been this way for so long why would DH think a divorce is going to miraculously fix it?

He should apologize for not attending and let her know that it was not okay for her to expect him to cut his wife out of his family. That's no different from him cutting her out-and she would never expect him to do tgat...

She simply needs to understand that you are valuable to him too.

It's a sad thing to know that her mindset migrated to your BS. I'm sure when she spoke of you and DH that she played on your son's biggest insecurities when saying that you wanted a 'new' family to replace him.

Of course given her behavior I'm surprised he listened and even more surprised that he believed it enough to cut you from his life. In guessing that was a defensive tactic, 'I'm cutting you out before you can cut me out'.

DH has apparently forfeited his ties with you in the hopes it gains him his children and parents back. If I were him I wouldn't hope for too much. Who is to say that he won't possible them off in the future and they cut him off again?

It's ridiculous. If you care about someone then they are not dispensable or replaceable.

It sounds to me that your DH has made up his mind. I guess the fact that the 2 of you have a child together means nothing. He continues to chase his adult kids as of his current life with you doesn't matter.

Try to talk with him at least and see where he is coming from.

Worst case scenario is you start fresh with your youngest son and hopefully repair the relationship with your oldest.

If I were you I would never seek a relationship with your SKs, even if you manage to save your marriage.

They long ago made up their mind about you. Don't waste your life trying to please them. Work on your own happiness.

Money was dangled in front of mini-wife, OP's BS and DH by meddling, well-heeled inlaws who are dedicating a shrine to the late BM.

So, Givenupstepmom, it's been 27hrs since you last checked in (and that was a very brief 8 minute stop to clarify a "typo") . 

Any update? Have you contacted a lawyer? Any additional information you'd like to share after reading all the various replies you received? 

Far from losing, you won ..... your freedom.  So... move on with  your life.  Nail this asshole to the CS fence for a pile of money and keep your own child seasoned with the facts.  The  young one needs to know the facts and the manipulations that the shallow and polluted end of her gene pool is capable of.

Take care of you.

I keep coming back to re-visit this post. Hoping to find out it is a cruel joke, a farce, the fantasy of a sadistic SD. This post is by far my worst fear come true... Spend a lifetime loving a man who doesn't have your back in the end.. Giving him decades of your life, putting up with the disrespect, the years of ruined holidays, feeling unappreciated, etc.. for nothing in the end. So that the original "fam" can reunite and be one big happy family again the way it was always "supposed" to be.  sidenote... I also agree that the infamous "typo" couldn't be.. the word "but" shows the OP actually typed out her true feelings... Please OP.. update us..

First, if this is an actual event that has taken place, accept my heartfelt condolences.

The SD graduated years ago, and is STILL HOLDING ONTO IT? I guess that is the card she's played that has worked very well for her.

From the little you posted, it seems DH had your back early on, and still did until recently. What an oxymororon to go from that to wanting a divorce.

Does DH not realize the BD you share together is just as much his child as the SD who graduated? He owes her every chance at a successful and happy life as well.

I feel DH suffers from the guilt of the BM passing away, sending SD to live elsewhere, and finally, not going to the graduation was the icing on the cake. You can bet SD has worked on DH's head for years regarding these issues.

There are so many sad things about this, but perhaps the most sad thing is DH seemingly has no realization that all of his kids will most likely get married and have families of their own, and where does that leave him? Is DH expected  to become a monk and pine away for what could've been been, all over the guilt he is allowing to infiltrate his life and marriage?

DH and I have been in a rough patch lately, largely over SD and the intrustiveness in our marriage. These things move in stages, similar to a death. At first we are shocked, in denial, angry etc. Initially I think many think divorce is the answer, but in our case, if we had gone there with our thinking, what would it solve? DH would be lonely and so would I, and we would have to start all over rebuilding our lives again. We've been there and done that. At the heart of the matter is, we are married to each other, not our kids. As bad as things may get, the reality is, kids grow up and get their own lives, and parents don't deserve a relationship death sentence because the kids(and some parents)  make their lives to much a part of the marriage.

You have your daughter to think about. Shift your focus to her. From what you posted, she seems to be the only one standing in your corner. Nurture that seed.