Disengagement not working and I'm IRATE
I havent been able to fully disengage because I still bring SD to school in the morning. Somehow she manages to cause drama even in the 10 min she has then. This morning she slams the door on me while I'm carrying my baby. I told her when she shuts the door she needs to be careful and look especially when there are people behind her. Shes completely nonplussed by the fact that she slammed a door on her little brother and first ignores me altogether when i tell her. So I tell her to look st me and respond and I can see shes smirking. Then we get to the school literally 2 min later and she gets out and shuts the car door on my son and smirks again. Theres something majorly wrong with this kid.
So I end up raging about it to DH who says he will talk to her. That's what she wants is to have daddy gently talk to her. He acts like hes just completely helpless to do anything about her behavior and he just "doesnt notice things" and "let's things go." They're both pathetic.
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Have DH make
Have DH make other arrangements to get SD to school, Bus, walking, MIL. Anyone except you.
I agree with this. Is DH isn
I agree with this. Is DH isn’t going to have your back she can find her own way to school.
I think that those 10
I think that those 10 minutes should be her worst nightmare. DH isn't around and she should be totally accountable to you.
If daddy dearest can't or won't make it clear to her to behave for you for that 10 minute time everyday, he can hire an Uber to take her to school.
This kid sounds like a total
This kid sounds like a total jerk. Your husband does not seem to know how to parent, so this likely will not change. In fact, it will probably get worse.
Coupled with the fact double standards are placed on your son (and likely also will be with your baby), how long are you going to put up with this.
Me? I will not live with an asshole. Period.
Why do you have to drive her
Why do you have to drive her to school? If DH can't do it, she can go to Before School Care and the bus can take her from there. Or to BM's home and she can take her to school.
If he won't parent her, don't put yourself in the position of having to be alone with her anymore.
I was willing to do it before
I was willing to do it before because I worked part time and now stay at home full time with the baby. That's what I'm trying to get through to him right now is that I'm not her replacement mom and she is not ever my responsibility. Anything I do is extra and should be appreciated not expected. I think he thought marrying someone with a kid would let him have the same life he had before with his ex with her doing everything and that I'd just raise his kid same as mine.
Flat our tell your H this
Flat our tell your H this evening that you are no longer taking her to school. If you continue to do it he will not be motivated to do something about it. His way of nicely talking to her is not working. He has to place some action behind his words. She's disrupting your life and being disrespectful to everyone in your home. She can walk her @ss to school and if your H doesn't like it he better find a way. Sweeping your feelings and how she treats you under the rug stops TODAY!!!
This is tough.. I am guessing
This is tough.. I am guessing that he figures the "deal" is that if he works full time and supports the household financially.. you pick up the other responsibiltiies like caring for kids (all of them). This does make disengagement difficult.
Now, here's the thing, you have to explain to your husband that you don't provide care for a child you cannot discipline. So when she intentionally smirks or slams doors.. winter is coming baby... decide on her consequence.
1. yeah.. first she loses ability to open and close her car door.. you can do that. Oh.. and I would start wearing verrrrry embarassing outfits to school and making a big production of dropping her off and opening the car door and then loudly proclaiming that she can get out of the car and call her some semi-embarassing pet name.
2. She comes home to find that her wifi doesn't work.. electronics confiscated.. oh.. remember you slamming the door on me and baby? yeah/..well I do.. every time this happens.. THIS happens..
3. Further backtalk results in banishment to her now stripped of all fun room.. no phone.. no tv.. no tablet. Now, sure daddy can come rescue her when he comes home.. but he isn't home NOW is he.. you will suffer my punishment as long as I have control.
You can also have a "we can do this the easy way.. or the hard way.. " converstion directly with her. Tell her flat out that she doesn't have to like you .. but she will respect you and she is not going to like the consequences of the hard way.
Yeah that is basically how he
Yeah that is basically how he views it. But even if I discipline her he doesnt back me up and I'm tired of it. I literally just cannot handle her on my own.
Then the solution might be
Then the solution might be for you to return to work.. you and DH split the cost of putting the baby in daycare situation and he deals with figuring out how to navigate his daughter to school etc...
Or.. alternatively.. you make it more UNCOMFORTABLE for him to buck you on discipline decisions for things that happen when he is not around. Now, of course this starts with a heart to heart honest discussion with him about roles are responsibilities.
Flat out you say: DH, if you expect me to care for your daughter then I have absolute control over decisions relating to discipline for situations that happen when it is on my watch.. and if those consequences bleed over into time when you are home.. you do not have the right or ability to second guess or terminate a disciplinary action. What you DO have the right to do is have a PRIVATE discussion with me about the situation, what happened and what discipline I gave.. and what we agree may be the proper discipline going forward. If you trust me to care for your child, you have to trust me to handle things appropriately. If you do not trust my judgement when it comes to your daughter, I should have no responsibility or authority over her.. as in you will need to pick up 100% of her care including dropping off to school etc.. Will I always handle situations the same way you would? probably not, but you either trust my judgement or you don't... we can deal with it either way, but if you don't trust me then I don't get that responsibility either.
Now part of this new dynamic is that you and I are going to sit down with your daughter and explain to her that respecting me (and the baby) is 100% non-negotiable. She will do as I say, when I say and how I say to do it. Failure to do so will result in consequences and discipline that will be handed out by SM if these lapses happen when she is caring for you. I 100% trust her to care for you and look out for your safety and best interest... as a result, if she feels that your behavior merits consequences.. she is going to issue them and I will back her up 100% of the time. She is my wife and has been given the responsiblity of caring for you while I work... you will respect that and any disrespect of her is the same as disrespect to me and will not be tolerated. You don't have to love her, but you do have to listen to her.
Just because you're a stay at
Just because you're a stay at home mom doesn't mean you are suppose to be taken advantage of and disrespected. So his way of thinking goes out the door.
even if I discipline her he
even if I discipline her he doesnt back me up
Tell DH that he needs to a) drive his little PITA to school from here on out, or b) make other arrangements. Period.Dot.
If he refuses to back you up on discipline then he needs to do EVERYTHING for her. Concentrate on your baby and let DH tend to the mini monster he's molding.
Preach Aniki!
Preach Aniki!
I would stand firm on this one! Her slamming doors would temp me to slam one in her face
We've been having this
We've been having this discussion all morning. It came down to him saying that if I need to she can be in daycare before and after school. Which means I would need to find a job because we cant afford it otherwise. Which I'm fine with since I can probably find one on nights and weekends. Which he doesnt really want so he said okay and then if that's what you really need. And I said what I really need is for you to step up and parent her. No more guilt no more well I didnt notice her not behaving. No more not wanting to discipline her because you haven't seen her in a week and no more being terrified that she might get upset or not like you. And if you aren't mentally able to do that then yes we will need to do daycare. To which he hasn't responded yet.
No reply from DH = no
No reply from DH = no disagreement = he accepts your decision.
IMHO...
Yeah he was at work and didnt
Yeah he was at work and didnt have time to respond but he did when he came home for lunch. He actually was being reasonable for the most part about things so we shall see what happens...
I personally think that while
I personally think that while a SM is a SAHM, and her husband is providing the income for the family, she should provide normal care for the children, including skids. At least that's what I'd be willing to do. However, once a skid has to be treated special, or is unusually disrespectul, or is not permitted to be disciplined by the SM, then all bets are off.
In this case, I think OP's DH needs to either back her up and impose REAL consequences on his princess, or he needs to take care of all her needs himself.
Yep. I was willing to because
Yep. I was willing to because of that. The biggest worry I have is how it affects my other kids. First because she demands so much attention that its difficult to meet the other kids needs. Second because of the bad influence and the effect shes had on ODS self esteem from the constant meanness and third because I dont know to what level she will go hurting others to get attention for herself...I mean she thought it was amusing to slam doors on them because it got her some attention.
stay in bed with baby and say
stay in bed with baby and say you have a headace...everyday
So update. Dh came home at
So update. Dh came home at lunch and was actually reasonable on discussing it and told me some ways he had been trying to put a stop to her behavior that I wasn't aware of. BUT then he also told me that another kid at her after school program threw a piece of paper at the garbage and she went and picked it up and didnt look around to see if she got attention for doing it - that was evidence I guess that he thinks things will get better. Kinda seemed like he was reaching a little with that to me...
I think it's normal that as
I think it's normal that as her father he is going to try to "seek out the good" in her while you have gotten locked into this dynamic that you are trying to show him how "bad" she is.. he responds by trying to find the good and improvements.
To make this work, there needs to be a little bit of attitude adjustment on everyone's part.
As I said before, he needs to fully vest into the concept of "If I am trusting you to watch my child, I am trusting you will make the best decisions for her and I will not second guess you and especially not undermine you in front of her." punishments and consequences you give out stick. If he truly feels you have gone overboard, he can privately discuss the matter on how future situations will bear out more in line with what he might think is reasonable. He also needs to understand the kind of behaviors that are happening when he IS around that he seems to ignore. You don't call him out in front of her either.. but explain some of the things you feel show a lack of respect and decorum..
Now, his attitude is not all that probably needs a tune up. I know you are hyper sensitive to her behaviors but you also need to try to focus on her good points and try to praise and encourage the behavior you do want to see.. even if it's minor improvements.. call it out.. celebrate it and encourage it. fake it till you make it.. pretend to like her and maybe it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.. Try to focus on the most major transgressions.. you can work on some of the minutiae over time. But, try to help her by being kind to her and understand that she IS just a kid and they don't have fully formed minds and not everything is done with malice.
And HER attitude needs an adjustment. Dad needs to make it clear that when he isn't there... YOU call the shots.. she is the child.. you are in charge and it is expected that she toe that line.
You're probably right...it is
You're probably right...it is hard for me to celebrate something like picking up a piece of garbage after watching her laugh about slamming doors on my kids. But it will have to start with small things I suppose. It just seemed like kind of an insult...well she did do THIS nice thing even though she was mean to you. Especially since the baby is also his and I would think he should be equally upset about her thinking it's funny to slam doors on him.
The problem is that he is
The problem is that he is hearing it from you and since you have mostly pointed out her flaws.. he sees your interpretation of the situation as potentially exagerated.. or that the INTENT behind the action is different than you are assigning.
He hears that a door is slammed by your viewpoint.. he thinks.. well maybe she just "shut it" without even thinking. He doesn't see the action so he assigns his own biases to the situation.. just like you assign your own biases.. perhaps it's a little bit not as bad as you see it.. but not as good as he does either.
One of these days someone
One of these days someone will get their fingers slammed in the door when she does it. What then??? DH is still trying to weasel out of parenting. He should be ashamed that his own flesh and blood is one of "those children", the ones that adults cringe at when they come into the room, the one that no one likes to be around.
Send her to her room if you need to spend time with your bios. F her!. I found with one of my BD that isolation was the best form of punishment. She hated being away from people. (She's an extravert and a launched college grad now.) Don't hesitate to elevate your own during this period. She either figures out that positive behaviors get her the good kind of attention or she spends a lot of time in her room by herself.
Yeah I definitely think that
Yeah I definitely think that is the best option in her case. She cries if she has to play by herself for 5 minutes upstairs or outside without an adult; not having attention just kills her. Dh sends her to her room once awhile but tends to still screw it up. One time she wrote him all these bizarre letters alternating between telling him that she loved him so so so so soooooo much and guilt tripping him that she was hungry and that he was making her nervous. He said it didnt get to him but he saved the letter so...another time he got really mad and sent her upstairs but then let her have her tablet so I'm just like well it's a start but let's not allow her to have her favorite pastime while shes being punished.