No consequences for SD and DH hiding contact
hi Steptalkers,
How would you feel if yoir DH/SO hid all communication with his SD from you after she had treated you appallingly and he has promised to have your back?
my SD16 is a vile human who did her utmost to split DH and I up and very nearly succeeded. She even stole all the money we had saved for our wedding and honeymoon among many other horrible acts.
SD now lives out of state with crazy BM after telling DH she hated him and didn’t want to see him again. DH promised to give consequences if she ever started speaking to him again and to defend me. He said he didn’t want anything to do with her until she apologised to us both and gave restitution for taking our wedding/honeymoon etc away.
Apoarently that was a lie! I’ve now discovered DH has been in contact, and hiding it from me, with SD for nearly a year. Chasing after her like a lovesick schoolboy and not a word of a consequence for her actions. It is like he is having a cheap affair and SD is the other woman!
I can’t help but feel completely disgusted and betrayed that not only would he effectively condone her actions by giving her exactly what she wants - undivided attention and money with no consequence, but hide it from me. He even had the nerve to tell me his relationship with her is none of my business and he has given a consequence by not seeing her since she moved. Umm, sorry DH, but giving someone exactly what they very clearly said they wanted is not a consequence! It’s a reward.
This girl put us through hell, but all DH does is fawn all over her with loving missives and completely ignores everything she has done. Instead, I’m on the outside, as though I did something wrong. If someone has nothing to hide, they hide nothing.
I can’t get past the resentment I feel for DH letting her ruin our wedding and our first year of marriage and treating us so badly. How do I get past feeling like this? I’m expecting sometime sooner rather than later DH and SD will want to play happy families again and expect me to just “get over it”. I’m just supposed to get over having my entire personal life, including sex life, gone through and spied on by SD and broadcast to BM and picked apart by her lawyer accusing us of child abuse?
I told DH that the way he has gone about this means I will never want to be a part of SD’s life again. If he doesn’t respect me enough to defend me and not hide things from me and lie to me then I want no part of his “family” with his co-conspirator. If I’m not good enough to include me in his family now then I never want to be.
Sorry, it turned into quite a rant! Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
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Woah... how much money are we
Woah... how much money are we talking here? Thousands? Was it reported to the police? If not - why not?? Massive red flags here, you’ve got a pretty serious DH problem if he’s letting his kid get away with this kind of theft scot free. He’s helping raise a little criminal.
You cant stop him from having a relationship with his kid, but you can create boundaries around what you will & wont accept into your own life. As in, SD never steps foot in your home again whether you’re there or not. I’d invest in nanny cams as well just in case the little thief ever decided to pay a visit & I wouldn’t think twice about reporting any future thefts to the authorities whether DH approved or not.
Are you seeing a therapist? I think you should. This kind of resentment won’t fix itself. Your ‘D’H needs a reality check.
Yes, it was thousands of
Yes, it was thousands of dollars that was stolen. Close to 20k in fact. It wasn’t reported to the police, which now I absolutely regret not doing. At the time I naively believed DH when he said he would fix it and get the money back. I was still in the stupid frame of mind of trying to “blend” the family and get the skids to like me. DH was super worried if it was reported to the police SD’s future would be ruined and it would all come back to the family blaming him and I. He made all sorts of excuses about how BM put SD up to it and we couldn’t ruin SD’s future, who is a minor, when it was really BM’s fault. I don’t know if it was SD or BM’s idea, or if they came up with it together to attempt to stop DH and I getting married. I bought into what DH was saying at the time and really believed he would get the money back and sort SD out. After all what could a teenager do with $20k? And what parent let’s a kid get away with that? I was really stupid and could kick myself now. I still don’t know what happened to the money but it seems it is long gone. The money was in DH’s account, which we both contributed to, and I didn’t know SD had access to it. Even if I did, at that stage I could never have imagined a kid would do something like that. Probably because I, and all my friends, grew up in strict households where we would have been terrified of the consequences of ever doing that to our parents, and you know, we actually had respect for our parents.
BM is a long time criminal (theft, fraud, prescription pills), but has been lucky enough not to be caught. I think for her it’s a sense of entitlement that she deserves whatever anyone else has, and she has passed that into SD. DH is one of the “keep the peace” guys who will put up with anything to avoid confrontation. He knew about BM’s crimes while they were married but never did anything to try to stop her because, as he says, it wasn’t worth the abuse he would have copped from her.
I completely agree with you about having my own boundaries. I have told DH that SD is not welcome in my home as she has shown she can’t be trusted. I didn’t think of nanny cams as she lives in another state but it is definitely something worth looking into.
I am going to book into see a therapist to deal with some of my feelings. I can see that I contributed to this as well by also being a doormat, which is not my usual nature do I think that needs to be explored too.
Thank you for your input, much appreciated!
How was this money stolen?
How would a bank let her have access? Is she a minor?
It's not hard to transfer
It's not hard to transfer money. You can set up online bank accounts if you have enough personal information, which she likely had access to being on the account.
Set up an account through an online bank in DH or SD or BM's name, link the two accounts, and transfer. DH and I have an online account set up that we can both transfer money into, and it took less than an afternoon to set it up and less than a week for the account to activate and money to transfer.
As someone with POA for an elderly parent
I think transferring money is harder than you think -- at least in the US. To set up an account, you need to prove who you are. Yes, if you have accounts in same name, you can transfer. I would still like to hear how this happened.
We don’t live in the US. Here
We don’t live in the US. Here it is extremely quick (instantaneous) and easy to transfer money online between linked accounts, and then to transfer out of that account into another unlinked one, which is what happened. SD had an account which was linked to DH’s (where the funds were sitting). This is common here, a lot of banks offer kids savings accounts with high interest rates to try to teach kids to save money, they often are linked to their parent/s for ease of use. In fact my bios have them and theirs are linked to mine. I hope that Ive taught my bios well enough that they wouldn’t ever try to pull a stunt like SD, but I have taken precautions since the fiasco as it has made me a little paranoid.
so are you saying that he agreed to linked accounts
If he linked them, knowing her mother's predilictions, this was poor judgement on his part.
I agree completely. I also
I agree completely. I also said the same thing to him. There have been many more disturbing instances where he has “trusted” BM to do the right thing and every time she has done the opposite. But that is a story for another day....
I'm in the US, and as someone
I'm in the US, and as someone who has set up online-only bank accounts, so long as you have someone's sensitive information and can answer those "credit check" questions like "which of these addresses are ones you have lived at?", it's not hard. It's all online.
It's probably not too late to
It's probably not too late to file charges, and you can do it without DH's input, if it was a joint account. SD was obviously put up to this by her thieving mother, but she should be held accountable, even it she did do it out of alienation by BM.
File charges?
OP says it was DH's account, but she contributed to it. I dont think she can file charges if not her account.
Sorry, missed that part.
Sorry, missed that part.
Unfortunately you are right.
Unfortunately you are right. The account was in DH’s name only. We hadn’t yet set up a joint account and since he had several accounts and this one was not really used we both parked funds in there as savings. I unfortunately this means if the theft was to be reported if would have to come from DH, and he was very set against it. I think he would have felt too much guilt at the possibility of hurting SD’s future. Everytime I think about I want to kick myself for being so stupid.
The man made a ridiculous
The man made a ridiculous promise.
Regardless of what SD did, she is his child. While he can be livid about her actions, he will still love her and want a relationship with her. Normal parents love their children UNCONDITIONALLY.
I agree, you can't ask
I agree, you can't ask someone not to have a relationship with their own child.
I know how it feels to have to deal with a kid who has been alienated by their mother, because that's what is going on here. Your SD is a child who was manipulated and brainwashed to do despicable things to you and DH. That doesn't absolve her of any responsibility, but it does give you some context. Read about Parental Alienation.
My SS lied about us in court repeatedly. Then he refused to have a relationship with DH for over 3 years. DH is a strong man who did set limits and did not bow down to his child. But those 3 years were hard for him and now that SS is back, nothing has been said about the lies in court. Someday, when he's no longer in Cult Mom, maybe, but not yet.
Imagine this was your own child and imagine the mixed feelings you would have, especially if you knew they had been manipulated by the other parent to hate you. Then imagine your spouse telling you how you must behave with your child to make them happy.
You don't ever have to have a relationship with SD, but you do have to allow DH to have one (if you want your marriage to succeed).
Thank you, I also agree it’s
Thank you, I also agree it’s not right to ever expect or want a parent not to have a relationship with their child. Hence why I never asked that in the slightest of DH. He is the one who insisted he was done with her unless she showed genuine remorse and apologised.
Funnily enough, prior to her moving and cutting me out of her life, I was always the one to calm DH down everytime SD did something horrendous and tell him, when he would say he was done with her, that she is his daughter and he needs to fight to stay in her life and be a positive role model for her, particularly as she has such a poor one in BM. I remember sitting in to support DH while he was having a conference with SD’s therapist at the time and the therapist straight out told DH that SD isn’t worth it (therapist clearly knew that SD had a vendetta and wasn’t going to stop) and to let her go. Those were her exact words. I told DH to get SD a new therapist as that is totally unacceptable. BM refused to change therapists.
I absolutely believe SD has been alienated by BM. That has been obvious since I met DH. I do feel for her regarding that, and have had conversations in the past, carefully skirting around mentioning BM, with SD about how her dad loves her and wants to be a part of her of her life. As you said, though, BM’s brainwashing did not absolve SD for actions she knew were wrong.
Im very sorry you and your DH had to go through your ordeal with your SS. That must have been excruciatingly difficult. I do think you DH did the right thing though in teaching your SS that he would now bow down to him. To me, that cultivates respect. It seems, although it took time, it worked in that your SS did come back and hopefully understands what your DH was trying to teach him.
With regard to imagining it being my bios, you are right. I would hate if they were ever alienated against me. And I would hate it is DH told me I wasn’t allowed a relationship with them. But there is a big difference between demanding to a partner how they must behave with their children just for happiness sake (which I have not done), and expecting your chosen life partner to not condone when their children seriously disrespect you, and provide some sort of consequence to teach them it is not acceptable to behave that way to the person they have chosen to spend their life with.
I really appreciated your comments, they give much food for thought!
For what it's worth, had SS
For what it's worth, had SS stolen 20K from us on BM's command, I do believe DH would have pressed charges on him. We actually discussed such scenarios when he was still coming over. He admitted to us once that BM wanted him to steal something from our home (a sentimental item from their marriage that she felt entitled to), and hide it outside so she could come get it. To his credit, he did not. And to DH's credit, SS never was even given a key to our house, much less access to DH's bank account.
With more information, I agree your DH is being weak where SD is concerned, likely out of fear of more retaliation and total alienation. My DH realized at some point that he had been abused by BM and she was using SS to abuse him as a proxy, and that he would no longer allow that from either of them.
I agree that his strength allowed SS to continue to respect him, and was the best course of action.
Good for your SS for making a
Good for your SS for making a good choice in refusing to do something for BM that he knew was wrong. I think that shows he has learnt to respect your DH and your household, and it is through tour DH’s actions.
I think with my DH he made excuses that it was BM who pressured SD into taking the money to try to exonerate SD in everyone else’s minds, but I don’t believe he was ever really committed to his claims. He knows SD well enough to realize she is quite capable of behaving extraordinarily badly without input from BM. So he didn’t want to risk if it was, in fact, all on SD and the charges would affect her. I am fairly sure these days (although not before I met him or soon after) that he would have filed a report on BM if he was sure it was her and that she would get charged, not SD.
I agree DH is being weak. In my mind it is not going to gain him anything with SD, nor is it in her best interests to be taught manipulation is the key to getting what you want. She has treated him like a doormat since before I met him, and it’s simply because that is how he has acted and accepted being treated as. I 100% believe if he showed SD boundaries and strength in that he wouldn’t bow down to her, just as your DH did with your SS that she, eventually, would come to the understanding that you can’t just treat people like she has and would actually come to respect DH to some degree. At the moment she is learning the opposite and I can’t see a time where she will stop her manipulation and see that BM’s attitude towards life will not benefit her in the long run as long as DH continues to pander to her poor behaviours. It’s sad really.
If he won't lay out
If he won't lay out consequences against SD, then you do for him. If you have a joint bank account, split your money so that he never sends a dime of yours to him. If he starts talking about her, cut him off and change the subject. Take down any pictures in the house of her; he can carry a picture of her in his pocket. Lay out the rule that she is never to step foot in your house, so if he wants to see her, he has to go to her.
You can't stop him from having a relationship with his daughter, but you can protect yourself, and ultimately decide if that is how you want to live. I'd demand to be paid back my portion of the money I put into the wedding fund that was stolen. I'd demand it from DH and put it in an account he can't touch.
I have a crazy SSis who pulled the stealing stunt, along with many, many more atrocities. The consequence is, for my SF, that none of us (minus my mom on *very* rare occasions) will be in a room with her. We won't talk about her, and if we do, it's nothing kind. We do feel bad for our SF because she is his daughter and he wants his family together. But, even he has made it clear to her that her own actions caused it and she doesn't get to dictate how people react thereafter.
So make it clear that her actions, and his, has led you down the path that she is, for all intents and purposes, dead to you and you won't entertain the thought of her in your home or headspace without serious repentance. She was old enough to know what she was doing was wrong, and she got away with it by your DH. He can face the consequences of his own and his daughter's actions.
Thank you, I didn’t ever
Thank you, I didn’t ever consider asking DH to pony up my share of the savings that were taken, but I think I will ask him. He did promise to get the money back and failed, which led to a lot of disappointment surrounding the wedding and honeymoon we planned (instead we went to the courthouse before work and didn’t go on honeymoon).
As for removing SD from the realm of my home, it’s already done. There are no photos of her (DH never put any up to start with) and he NEVER mentions her at all. Not her name or anything. It’s quite weird really. Like there is always this big elephant in the room.
I’m sorry you had a troubling SSis to deal with. It is a very difficult thing. I can understand, if your SSis didn’t ever change her ways, why no one in your family will be around her. My family are now much the same. They were horrified by her actions and had all bent over backwards to try to bring her into the family and make her comfortable. When someone behaves like my SD and your SSis it causes a lot of strain on the whole family. My bios, siblings, and my elderly parents all welcomed SD into the family and treated her exactly the same as anyone blood related. They have all been cut off too and hurt by it all.
Your last paragraph hit home for me. My DH will be the first one to admit that I (and my family) did nothing but try to make SD feel loved. We made excuses for her until we could no more. Yes, BM has a lot to answer for, but SD knew her actions hurt people and she not only kept doing them she ramped then up. I have told my DH that SD will not be part of my life unless she has genuinely changed her perspective and is respectful. She doesn’t have to love or even like me, but if she loved or respected her father she would respect his wife also. And vice versa for DH. It’s so disappointing that I thought I could count on him to have my back but I was mistaken. I never wanted him to disown his daughter, but I definitely expected him to teach SD it is not acceptable to treat others the way she treated me/us. Instead he condoned it through his action/inactions. What does this teach this girl moving forward into her adult life about how to treat others? And the fact he hides it only teaches her if she manipulates people she will get what she wants, and that it is showing her a poor example of marriage. Will she think it’s okay to intentionally deceive and hide things from her future husband because he dad did that to his wife?
Thank you so much for your thoughtful And supportive reply.
I'm guessing BM was the one
I'm guessing BM was the one who actually got your money. Your DH is hiding contact because he knows how angry you are at his daughter... he doesn't want to lose his daughter but doesn't want to hear an earful from you about him being in contact with her. All I can suggest is counseling and honest communications between you.. which means you may need to get to a place where you can accept he is not going to disown his child.
I can really relate to this.
I can really relate to this. SD was 8 when DH & I were dating. 10 when we married and were all under one roof. And thats when all hell broke loose. I was EXTREMELY naive. SD did anything she could to sabotage DH & I early in our marriage. I came VERY close to leaving. It was terrible. Nothing I said or did was correct. DH defended her to the moon and back and at first I got zero support from him. It wasn't until she basically had a melt down in front of DH about me that he finally saw what was happening. Everything always happened when he wasn't home...
And at that moment he backed me up and supported me. He made it very clear to SD that I wasn't going anywhere and she must respect me. I was floored to be honest. I didn't think he had it in him.
Currently SD18 is not in our home. She lives with DH's parents and I'm totally okay with that. I never ask about her and DH rarely brings her up in conversation. She's done a lot of damage to the entire family, but of course in GMA and GPA's eyes shes just perfect. And thats exactly why she's living with them. She knows she will not get that same treatment at home. And I am totally okay with that. I don't care if DH speaks to her, I don't care if he takes her to dinner (which he doesn't). He will continue to have a relationship with her. But the beauty is I don't have to be a part of any of it.
Step out of their relationship. No matter what, she will always be his daughter. I would seperate bank accounts. Protect yourself.
Oh wow, I would be LIVID
Oh wow, I would be LIVID about all of this. What a sh*t show. As if her stealing your wedding money wasn't enough, he then hides his contact with her and chases after her (I would have a hard time with that one, it just looks pathetic and unattractive)?
I hope he enjoys the relationship with his demon child outside of your house, because that girl would not step foot in my house again. And 100% your DH should repay you the money HIS daughter stole! If/when he does, you should take it and go on a nice honeymoon by yourself, since DH certainly doesn't deserve to go with his sneakyness and lack of follow-through.
I'm so sorry this happened to you! I would not have handled it as well as you did (meaning I would have been at BM's and SD's doorstep with the police).
I'm upset for you the fact
I'm upset for you the fact that your H lied about having contact with his daughter after he made it seem like he was setting up boundaries (not speaking to her until she apologized and atoned for what she did) and he did the complete opposite. I know you're not trying to prevent him from contact with his daughter but rather for her to take accountability for what she did and show her that theft is a felony and she could have gone to jail had charges been pressed. Its like he gave her a slap on the wrist and he kept it from you because he knew you would be upset.
Continue the boundaries that you have set in your home and please have a separate bank account that your H has no control over just to protect yourself. He seems to make poor choices when it comes to her and I'd hate to see your bank account wiped clean.
You've just gotten a preview
You've just gotten a preview of your future with this man and his daughter who will always be an enmeshed unhealthy part of his life. It's difficult to change dysfunctional family dynamics if everyone is on board, if it's only you that wants things to change it just won't happen at least not the way you want it to. Take an honest look at this relationship and where your power is and how much you've sacrificed to be with him.
You may be having optimistic thoughts that it will all magically change when she's an adult and "on her own", only 2 more years! Hate to tell ya that adult child problems only get bigger and more expensive. You'll think 20k was a bargain after DH bails her out of a divorce or foreclosure.
I'm not telling you to leave because I have stayed with my husband who severely enabled, and still does to a point, his 34 yr old son. I railed against it for years only to be targeted as the Wicked SM. Now I have 100% disengaged from their situation, given DH's son's problems back to him and put the white horse out to pasture. Our relationship is okay now but I've paid a price for staying with DH. I got years of crap and blame over a grown mans problems that I had nothing to do with. DH and I almost divorced over him. Certain levels of trust have been broken. We will never be that solid couple who has each others back come what may because ss's will always be a divide in our relationship that I will have to sidestep.
How did you feel about SD
How did you feel about SD when you thought your husband wasn't having contact with her?
That's the way I'd go now. Let him have his relationship with her and forget about it.
I have been in your situation, but without the money piece. I demanded apologies, I demanded he not reward her with his attention...it doesn't work.
You will not get an apology from SD -- I never did. You will not get the money back. And he will always have a relationship with SD. Those are the things you have to live with if you stay in the marriage. But if you can tolerate him having a relationship that you are not part of, you'll be happier for it.
Make it clear that she may not visit your home, SD is to get no money from him, you don't even want her name mentioned in your presence, then go on about your life. This is where many of we SMs end up anyway.
The resentment for your husband is tough to manage. Trust me, I know! And in your case, I don't know if I could let the money issue go -- that's unbelievable. But if you haven't resented him for the past year when you didn't know he was in contact with her, you might eventually settle back into that. It takes a long time. I found the resentment started to dissolve when I didn't have to hear about SD. My husband and I fought less, my old wounds weren't constantly reopened when I had to see her or hear about her, and eventually it got better.
Make sure you keep an eye on the money. Make sure you have access to all accounts so you can see if he's funneling money to her. Disengagement starts with mistrust of your husband, but in time, you may get it back again. It starts with you setting boundaries you can live with.
Given the financial hit SD has already caused you, I wouldn't allow him to spend a dime to see SD, in case that ever comes up. If he wants to visit her, remind him of all the money you've already lost and tell him not another dime of yours will be spent on his relationship with her. No gas, no plane tickets, nothing.
And then let it go.
There is no excuse of a child stealing from you.
your DH should pay you back your money that SD took from you. Sinch he doesn’t want to handle it the right way. I know it’s his kid. But you have to draw a line somewhere. Talking about being a punching bag? SD see him as an ATM, only wants what she can get out of him. She knows any chance of being some type of family with you is finished for good. I personally could not deal or want to deal with this kid ? 16 YO ?
Then another way of thinking is that was her college money, her wedding money, her gifts Christmas birthday for life. I would make sure she will not get another $1 from you
Just Wow
Well, thats pretty sad, considering that weddings are our transition from "dating" to "bonded for life". And she managed to ruin it for you. And now he is "seeing her" behind your back, adding some extra hurt on it.
The advice youve gotten here is pretty good, theres more as well, so keep reading. Your SD has been learning from BM, thats what they do. If BM is toxic, they will learn that. Lies, oh! Yes the lies! Get your money from DH, that SD stole, and set up a separate account. Protect yourself for the long haul. Disengage but separate.
In my situation, Feral Eldest SD19, she has learned how to lie, twist the truth, be a vcitim and accuse others of things for retaliation measures. What fun!
Trick or Trust...
You are definitely between a rock and a hard place, but it sounds as if you are doing what you can in this mess to maintain your sanity as well a relationship equilibrium. In the interim, I agree with others who have suggested you keep separate bank accounts AND DH must be very careful about any information he shares with SD. If you are feeling that his talks with SD are "secretive," you should convey your angst about it to DH - particularly because "patterned" past behavior is likely to repeat itself. Apparently, DH still has some vital lessons to learn. I can hear the rationalization, "I didn't tell you I was talking to her because I knew it would upset you."
As opposed to other comments about unconditionally loving your child, this situation is not an issue of unconditionality and DH wanting to have a relationship with SD. It is about 1) setting and maintaining boundaries 2) putting priority on YOUR marriage/relationship 3) maintaining the sanctity of trust in your relationship 4) insuring that DH's choice to rekindle a relationship with SD does not negativelly impact you again - financially, emotionally and everything in between.
It's likely that BM instigates ideas with SD and there is once again cooperative coercion in the making. My DH would innocently share information with SD who would parrot it to BM and they would use any and all of it to their advantage. They still think they're entitled to everything in DH's life including his loyalty and finances. Given the opportunity, the manipulation would continue. Both BM and SD were masterful at abusing DH's solid sense of paternal devotion and guilt. It is difficult to stop being an enabler when you do not clearly see how your complacent behavior continues to support and propagate the ills of your past. There's a vast difference between unconditional love and enabling ignorance.
DH has to be the one to come to terms with his relationship to SD. Unfortunately, it sounds as if SD is a carbon copy of BM. The question that would be running through my head is "what does she/they want?" You can disengage from SD and DH can choose to have a relationship with her, but if that relationship detriments your life then you have a duty to your own self to impose on the bullshit. I would want to know what was being discussed, especially if it could impact me. You are perfectly normal to be uncomfortable and defensive about any form of deceit.
It took my DH several years before he finally made the decision to disengage from SD. I never forced it...the choice had to be his own. However, I pointed out facts particularly if they involved or impacted me. "Say DH...are you aware that you call SD your ex wife's name? Why do you think you do that?" That's how powerful the proliferation of BM's energy was in SD! Despite how cunning and manipulative SD was, DH would overlook and/or rationalize her unacceptable behavior - but this was the same way he contended with BM when they were married. BM most definitely had "control" of him because he feared her emotional backlashes and passive-agressive anger. Until your DH is conscious of his behavior, he will fall right back into the same patterns he had with BM in dealing with SD.
I am consistently amazed at how many SMs have contended with DHs' who fail to recognize the behaviors that were undoubtedly at the core of their divorces. Ofcourse you unconditionally love your children, but it is imperative they deal with the consequences of their behavior or they become awful humans who continue to breed and propagate the same dysfunction. DH should never allow anyone, including his SD, to misuse and disrespect you for their own selfish gain. When you are in a committed relationship, your partner takes presidence over any guilt or deluded ideals. I'd be wary of DH wanting to rekindle this toxic relationship - it's already damaging your trust and the loss of trust is the most divisive weapon that SD can bring into the mix.
Very well said!!!
Misusing and disrespecting, for selfish gain.
Ive spent years trying to figure out ToxicTrolls games - she always has one - typically everyone else loses where she wins. Then she gets to brag about it on Facebook.
I would say the answer lies in one of three areas:
1. Money
2. Control/Power
3. Attention
Thank you so much! You
Thank you so much! You expressed exactly my feelings and beliefs I was trying to convey, only far more eloquently than I.
This situation of DH rekindling his relationship behind my back with SD has significantly lessened my trust and respect for him. You are correct, it is extremely damaging to a marriage and divisive. SD got what she wanted, a wedge put between DH and I of her making. He has used the phrase regarding not telling me about his relationship with her as he didn’t want to upset me several time already. To which I always respond, it upsets me more to be deceived and lied to than what you are actually doing. Yet he still continues.
When I got home I asked him what he had done today, knowing he and SD had planned to chat on the phone (after he has been trying to call her for days and she has been blowing him off). He told me every mundane thing about work but never mentioned one word about SD. This shows me, despite my trying to reason with him that his secrecy is what makes me most upset, that he is determined to continue his “affair” in secret regardless of what it does to our marriage.
When you mentioned how your DH would call your SD by BM’s name I was amazed, as my DH would constantly refer to SD as BM jr. I see now that he must be so used to rationalising BM’s behaviour and enabling her, that now it is a built in mechanism for how he deals with SD. DH is most definitely patterned in his behaviour, and seems completely ignorant to how this enables further poor behaviour from SD, BM or whomever he is justifying at the time. It benefits no one (save for BM).
You were so on the ball with regard to unconditional love. When I was growing up and had done something my parents found unacceptable they would sit me down and tell me “we love you very much but right now we don’t like you due to what you have done”. They then set boundaries regarding whatever I had done so I didn’t continue with that behaviour. This always made me feel loved and safe with them, however it also taught me right from wrong and how to treat people. I respected them for that. I do the same thing with my bios, and (so far) it has worked really well. They know disrespect, lying etc are not acceptable and whilst I will always love them, I will not support nor enable bad behaviour. As a result they are respectful, courteous and humble kids and these qualities are often noted by others, including DH. Weirdly enough, DH often comments on how well I have taught my kids and if he could start afresh with his bios he would want to do the same. He disciplines my bios when they need it, which I think it great (I don’t leave this up to him, I discipline them without prodding from him), and they have an amazing relationship with him, and they all love each other immensely. I think in some ways he sees my bios as his way of contributing to raising decent human beings, like a redemption for the mistakes he made with his own. He has told me this before too.
I do want to disengage with SD (already happened by force of her) and for DH to have a relationship with her, however I also expect to be kept in the loop and be advised of the general gist of the discussions so I can be prepared for how it would impact my life. I feel unsafe and vulnerable, to be honest, and that my life is in a state of flux and at the whims of DH and SD.
DH and I both have the responsibility of putting our marriage in a priority seat, and mitigating any influence which may negatively affect each other and/or our marriage through honesty, openness, and communication. I feel DH is failing in this respect. The only boundary he has set is with me, in that I am excluded from his relationship with SD, and thus potentially at risk of any decision which may affect me which I have not been privy to. He has set no boundaries with SD, and moreover has effectively condoned and enabled her mistreatment of his wife, and even provided her with her greatest wish - to divide us.
I am unsure as how I should proceed in this situation. I do have separate bank accounts now, so financially I am safe from SD. It is now more an issue of how to reconcile my feelings with DH continuing with his secrecy and ostracism of me and his relationship with SD and the level of distrust and disrespect I now feel for him, not to mention his enabling of her treatment of me/us without setting boundaries or consequences.
Thannk you for your insightful advice, and for allowing me to spill my feelings in writing. I am finding it quite cathartic to type it out, rather than bottling it up inside. Best wishes to you and your family