Long distance schedule ruining my life
I really regret pushing for custody of SD. Not because she's terrible, but because of the CO.
I'm a doctor at a fairly large hospital. SO is a SAHD to our kids (1, 3, 3) and my older two kids (13, 15), but before that he worked in tech. He has a daughter from a previous girlfriend (5). BM works at an insurance company and is very often traveling, but lives on the other side of the country. She is traveling about 50-80% of the time, about 50% of which is in our area. Basically put, she is the face of health insurance claim denial for her company.
When we married and decided that it made sense for him to stay home with our children, we also felt that it was best to fight for custody of SD as we could offer the most stable home.
We won about 6 months ago, but the agreement is insane. She only has to give 24 hour notice that she'll be in the area, and then she can have SD for up to 48 hours, or less, if she prefers. She gets one month of the summer, to take place whenever she'd like. She also gets all of winter break, every year. Spring break depends on her schedule, but she has 2 "free" weeks to take whenever she'd like depending on SD's school schedule. She also gets at least 2 phone calls per week, which she takes full advantage of.
She pays a good amount of child support, which she says is just financing the whole house. Honestly, she's not wrong, but SD DOES have some costly physical health issues.
This agreement just lets BM be the ultimate fun mom, with zero responsibility. I would KILL to have 8 solid weeks of the year just to bond with one child, not to mention dinner/weekends basically any time. SD has access to far more resources than the other children combined, and a whole parent dedicated to just her. The differences are glaring.
Due to her medical needs, she has to have her own (small) room. All the other kids are sharing rooms. It's impossible to schedule when we rarely know if one child is going to be pulled out last minute. I hate this.
I even have to work with BM often as we have antagonistic jobs. We call her "Death in Heels" because that's what she represents. I am always fighting with her, both in my personal life and professionally.
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You asked for SD to live with you
Now your saying she there too much ? Give her back to BM to keep
I don’t think she complains
I don’t think she complains that SD is there too much. I think she complains that BM can pick the kid up any time without advance notice and it disrupts household routine as they cannot plan any family events like buy tickets to something as BM could just come and get the kid any time she wants.
personally I think 24 hours notice is crazy making. So you can never ever plan anything. CO needs to be revisited
Yeah, but with all the money
Yeah, but with all the money mom is paying in CS, having to eat the cost of one ticket shouldn't be a big deal.
BM isn't doing anything wrong
BM isn't doing anything wrong. The original custody agreement had zero negative impact on your home. You gave no indication that SD was in an abusive/neglectful home.
I have a feeling the custody fight didn't have anything to do with mom being unfit or the lack of stability. I bet it was about getting dad out of paying CS once he became a SAHD.
You git what you wanted. Mom is following the court order. Not only is she fully supporting her own kid, but she is helping to support your FIVE.
Mom has become the fun mom because you all took her to court in order to fix something that was not broken. You are complaining about her playing by the rules.
Resenting the BM becasue of her job?
There are tons of people who would be greatful for their kids's BM to have any legal job. Look at this from her point, her ex is SAHD, voluntarily unemployed. He worked in tech, so presumably he could make decent money. Think of the effect that has on the CS situation. YOU wanted three kids (on top of your other two). YOU wanted DH to stay home. And of course the kid getting a large amount of CS should get her own room.
If the 24 hour notice is bothering you, maybe you could negotiate she reduce her CS and you get more notice.
SD has her own room for
SD has her own room for medical reasons. She needs somewhat modified furniture, which she has.
She's also allergic to dogs, which she takes medication for, but her sleeping area has to be dog free. So it's either that our healthy daughter must be banned from sleeping with her buddy for no reason, or the princess has to have her own room.
The babies share the master bedroom, my two teenagers share the basement, DH and I share a room, and SD has her own room. The older kids call her "the tsarina" and are jealous.
We actually have a scent deterrent to train the dogs not to cross her doorway.
There also can't be any clothes mixing, so her laundry has to be done separately and we can't have any hand-me-downs. Everything has to be new (or new to us).
She doesn't really ever sit on the common area furniture because she has a major issue with feeling or touching dog hair. We have Akitas. They shed.
The dogs don't like her because she pushes them away if they so much as walk near her and tells them they're bad. I live in fear of her equally dog hating mother sneaking her dog spray so she can mace my wonderful dogs when I'm not around. Or how to kill them.
Many families with an allergic kid
Would just not have a dog. That would simplify things
And you let your older kids bully her? Either this is fake or you are a real piece of work.
They don't bully her. It's a
They don't bully her. It's a private nickname. They're nice but distant due to the age difference.
The dogs are older than she is and were there before her.
But in all seriousness, if
But in all seriousness, if there is a kid in the home--- that you fought for custody for -- with serious allergies, yes, the dog needs to be rehomed. I am a HUGE animal lover but my kids, that includes my stepkids come before animals.
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah long distance. your a peach
Wtf. The dogs are a serious
Wtf. The dogs are a serious health issue, you can't just say they are grandfathered in. Dander can't be contained from SD's room. This is part of the reason Voldemort lost custody of Killjoy. Serious medical neglect.
Serious medical neglect by a
Serious medical neglect by a DOCTOR.
And you are absolutely correct that dander cannot be kept out of SD's room. It's aaaaaaaall over the house. Carried there by dog, clothing, and air movement.
BM has one child..you have 5
To be honest you sound jealous of the ex. Of the fact she can spend time just focused on her 1daughter..but she didn't make a choice to have 5..you did...
Sounds like you are well compensated for any inconvenience you suffer due to varying arrangements..
Why did you fight for full time custody of SD in the first place?
Also...Of course she will talk as often as possible with her daughter on a phone..she is her mother!! Orobably misses her grately!
BM is always traveling so SD
BM is always traveling so SD was mostly raised by BM's relatives. She wasn't being taught English and was always shuffled around, which is a separate issue.
DH moved and met me before he knew she was pregnant.
That wasn't neglect.
That wasn't neglect.
Her family pitched in to help mom with raising the child. That's a good thing.
Not being taught English isn't a big deal. She would have learned English once she entered school. This would have resulted in her being fluent in two languages. That would be amazing
She's fluent in English and
She's fluent in English and Russian. She's always talking to her Russian cousins on the phone and talking/writing with her mother in that language.
I can't stand how that language sounds, and her writing in Cyrillic looks terrible.
So because you don't like a
So because you don't like a foregin language she shouldn't be able to speak it? Are you for real with this??
I can't stand how that
I can't stand how that language sounds
Are you kidding me?? Wow. Just wow. YOU can't stand how the language sounds. So what. BE THANKFUL that this child can speak another language!!! And the fact that she can also WRITE in that language is great.
Does your distaste for Russian show on your face when she's speaking with her relatives? You're a DOCTOR. I cannot believe you have never had a patient whose first language is NOT English or who speaks another language and has never uttered so much as one word of it in front of you.
I have family members who speak Finnish, RUSSIAN, German, Croation, Spanish, and Chinese. I have friends who speak those languages, plus Italian, French, and Arabic. I would find vulgarity much more offensive than the beauty of another tongue.
I wonder if you dislike hearing Russian because it's SD speaking Russian.
Wow. You make me ashamed.
Aniki---Darling...I do not
Aniki---Darling...I do not believe this is real.
My oldest and I speak French,
My oldest and I speak French, but we don't hold conversations in it whev non-speakers are around.
It's less about the language than that we have no way of knowing what's being said.
How is what's being said any
How is what's being said any of your business?? People can just as easily message, text, or email and you have no way of knowing what's being said.
SD is not having a conversation with YOU. Have you considered that a) the person with whom she is conversing is more comfortable speaking Russian, and/or b) you lose it if you don't use it, so they speak Russian so they don't lose the ART of speaking another language??
My paternal grandparents spoke Finnish fluently. They IMMIGRATED to the U.S. from Finland. English was their second language and was difficult for them. Naturally, they spoke Finnish to each other. Not ONCE did anyone think there was something NEFARIOUS about them speaking in another language.
It sounds like you are paranoid that SD and her speaking companion are talking about you. And they have every right to talk about whomever they wish. If SD, or anyone, has any kind of opinion about you - negative or otherwise - it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Instead, YOU should reflect as to what YOU did to cause those negative opinions to originate.
Wait - you resent BM for what
Wait - you resent BM for what you forced her to do? You fight to take away her kid, force her to pay enough CS to fund your home, and then resent her for what YOU wanted? You do realize how selfish that sounds, right? I haven't heard anything about how she's a horrible parent, or was neglectful of SD, or you were forced to take custody of her ... just that you guys wanted custody. As someone else said, presumably because then your SAHD husband wouldn't have to pay HER support.
No one forced you to have 5 kids as a doctor (knowing you probably work long hours and have little time to spend with them.) These are all your life choices, including "fighting" for full custody of this child.
Ugh, I don't blame her a bit for being "Death on Heels." I hope she makes sure that the visits are as inconvenient for you guys as possible, that's what I'd do. You reap what you sow.
BM's job directly leads to
BM's job directly leads to people dying, to my patients dying.
She doesn't make the decisions, she's just a pretty little spokesperson.
I'm in health care too, so I
I'm in health care too, so I understand the feelings about insurance companies. But that has nothing to do with your custody situation.
It makes it more difficult to
It makes it more difficult to interact with her.
It also makes it harder to play pretend that BM isn't a monster. She's perfect at her job because she can control her every expression to an insane degree. I'm not convinced that she actually has real human emotions.
It doesn't matter if you
It doesn't matter if you approve of BM's job. Be thankful that BM has a job that is PAYING YOUR BILLS.
It doesn't matter if you like BM. BM probably doesn't like you. So what.
YOU do not have to interact with BM. Your husband should.
You have extremely MINOR complaints. Frankly, I would absolutely LOVE to have such insignificant issues in steplife. Seriously consider seeking therapy as to why you have such YUGE resentment over "issues" which many of us would be love to have.
I actually do have to
I actually do have to interact with her directly on a professional level. I am always calling/fielding calls from her about work related topics.
I saw a patient's enraged relative throw water on her last week, which made my day.
You have to work with her on
You have to work with her on a professional level. I repeat, PROFESSIONAL.
So put your personal feelings aside and BE A PROFESSIONAL. I have frequently worked with people I do not like personally. It does not matter. I do my job. And I do it PROFESSIONALLY. My personal feelings have NO place in the WORKPLACE. Neither do yours. Put your misplaced personal feelings aside and DO THE JOB.
I honestly feel sorry for your SD.
Made your day. How pathetic.
Made your day. How pathetic. You really need psychiatric help.
Regardless of what you think
Regardless of what you think about BM's career, that career provides you home with a ton of money each month.
A ton of money that allows
A ton of money that allows your home to have a stay at home parent that doesn't even bother with his own kid enough to take care of her allergy issues.
This agreement just lets BM
This agreement just lets BM be the ultimate fun mom, with zero responsibility.
First of all, apparently your husband agreed to all that is in the agreement or at least, was not willing to counter any of it.
Second, you and your husband put BM in the position of the "fun" mom when you took custody of her child from her. If you wanted her to be the custodial parent with all of the responsibility, you should have left things alone.
What is the REAL reason you pushed for custody?
We wanted DH's daughter to
We wanted DH's daughter to have stability, not just money.
If that's the case, dad
If that's the case, dad should have demanded more than a 24-hour notice for exchanges.
He/we didn't think she'd
He/we didn't think she'd actually take as much time with her as she does.
She actually spends far more time with her now than she ever did when she had custody. She basically gets EOW plus the typical long distance schedule.
The fact that BM does see
The fact that BM does see her often is a good thing, right? Children need both parents in their lives.
According to you, you are providing SD with a more stable environment AND BM sees her daughter regularly and talks to her regularly. Sounds like a win-win for the child. Except, you were actually hoping that BM would NOT be such a presence.
Of course she does - again,
Of course she does - again, wouldn't you if your child was taken from you in a custody battle?
People on here have BM's who don't pay support, don't see their kids at all, and/or, if they have custody, play games with the father's visitation time and alienate him entirely from his children.
Honestly, a BM who shows up for her visitation, makes all her phone calls to the kid and pays her support on time sounds like a pretty good deal to me.
Be careful what you wish for, I guess.
hahahahahh
hahahahahh Dh wants sd to have ability not just money...HAHHAHAHAHAHHA
Choices
So, what are your choices?
1) Leave DH with the littles, you take the teens and pay him huge CS. He can live large on his Baby Mommas.
2) Put up and shut up--BM is following the COURT ORDER. You don't like it, go back to court. 5 kids in the house is chaos anyway, especially with the age gap. Eliminating SD wouldn't solve a lot of that--she is just allowed to be the target due to health issues.
3) Get counseling for your resentment and veiled bigotry of SD and BM. Stay with DH, live happily ever after.
Get counseling for your
Get counseling for your resentment and veiled bigotry of SD and BM.
^^THIS, 110%.
Maybe you should put sd in
Maybe you should put sd in the basement
Or the attic, then serve her
Or the attic, then serve her arsenic laced cookies.
Low Sympathy Rating on this one
So, dont get me wrong, vent all you want, but you may not get the sympathy card you are looking for.
I do get that you view her as a monster with her insurance denial job, and perhaps that is causing you to project these feelings onto her as a person, mother and probably are projecting this on to SD as well.
However, as pointed out by others you definitely have the "dream bm".
- She pays YOU and YOUR household Child Support. It may not seem like a big deal, but it is. DH has just recieved notice that his wages will be garnished for child support. It is hurting us financially right now, it wont break us, but it does hurt a bit. Especially since ToxicTroll BM is getting 30,000$ for leaving her job, on agreement that she wont work there anymore, and getting workmans comp settle ment of 50,000 plus for a brain injury 3 years ago. I had no idea that womans BRAIN was worth that much!!!!
- She stays in contact with her child. That is awesome! Her child needs her.
- She takes "advatange" of her court-awarded time! Oh! The travesty! She is taking advantage!
- She speaks Russian and English. But you dont like how the language sounds. Sounds like something to speak to your therapist about. Anti-Russian Fetishes are getting more and more common, I hear.
I do get the last minute stuff - ToxicTroll conveniently "forgot" it was her day yesterday, so we had Munchkin. Not a big deal. Just take your kiddos and let SD bond with mama.
So - your DH knocked her up,
So - your DH knocked her up, but really didn't have a relationship with her, and you hated her already because she's the face of insurance denials. It sounds to me like DH didn't even know her, and you guys decided she was an inadequate mother and that if you had SD, she'd likely disappear and not ever see the kid. So DH agreed to a CO that inconveniences you guys because, ha, she's a crazy Russian mother, she won't even ever come see her!
Turns out, horrors, she loves her kid and takes advantage of all the time she has available to her, and now you are resentful. It's kind of funny in a karma sort of way.
You're a doctor? JHC. I feel
You're a doctor? JHC. I feel sorry for your patients, your SD, your kids, and your husband. Hell, I feel sorry for the DOG. You are a real miserable piece of work.
Awful awful person for sure.
Awful awful person for sure.
This isn't real...
Lets all just stop responding to this...not a real issue, this clearly is a troll! Common sense would tell us 1 the terminology this person uses 2 lack of common sense 3 realistic circumstance ....no! There are real people out here needing advice....ignore trolls just like bad children or animals they will stop if they arent getting any attention.