Hate at it's finest!
It's been awhile. Life keeps me busy and step life keeps me on my toes.
My dh and I have been married 14 years today. I love my dh very much. He is a good man, honest, hard working, and a good provider. When I look back at the problems we have had during our 14 years I see they ALL revolved around his children & his ex-wife. They are self centered, arrogant, unappreciative, passive aggressive, and always play the victim. Together they are a calculating team. Planning how they can hurt me, hurt my dh, and destroy our marriage.
My dh has been weak when it comes to his kids and I have been left to fend for myself because he is too afraid to protect me and too blind to see their antics.
Along this long path with my dh we have dealt with anger, rejection, and calculating schemes. There is a long list of passivie aggressive games, playing the victim and painting me out to be the bad guy.
To date (just to mention a few),
MSD has been estranged from us for 10 years, has two children we have never seen. Before the estrangment she ran off and got married and did not even tell us. She continued to use my dh employment benefits until we discovered she was married. This could have gotten my dh fired from his job. She ended up having an affair and getting divorced after only a year of marriage and then moved in with another guy and had a large wedding which we were openly excluded.
Osd has a relationship with us currently but it is just superficial. When OSD married we were invited to the wedding. My ss was one of the ushers and I find myself standing at the back of the church when he walks back from just taking someone to their seat. He just stares at me and when I ask "are you supposed to escort me?" he shrugged his shoulders and I walked myself to my seat. Now mind you, I sat myself down at the very seat we had rehearsed the night before. Now my dh's x-brother-n-law comes over yelling at me to move back a row, which I happily did. This brother-n-law was not even at the rehearsel. At one time my osd had been estranged from us for 1 1/2 years and we did not see her 2nd child till he was 1 year old. All of her children (now 4, oldest 10 years old) are bed wetters and she allowed them to wet my beds every time they came over until I had a hugh blow up with my dh and I insisted that the kids will wear pull-ups or not sleep over. Osd was very upset that I insisted on pull-ups and pushed back but I did finally win that battle and all the kids now wear a pull-up anytime they sleep over.
SS had been estranged from us for 1 year, then 3 years (during the 3 year estrangement ss married (we were not invited) and divorced and when he did come back into the picture after the 3 year estrangment (dh had invited him to Thanksgiving), he told his dad that I shunned him. He also told his dad that he wanted a relationship with him but that he was uncomfortable around me (translation "dad, if you would just divorce jam we could have a relationship").
Okay, SS once again became estranged from us. I guess he was angry that his dad did not divorce me when he played the poor little victim that was uncomfortable around me. SS once again became engaged and last week got married. Of course we were once again not invited. That's not all. SS now has changed his last name to his brides last name.
I am sorry but my mind can not comprehend this level of hate and rejection.
Your first 3 paragraphs could
Your first 3 paragraphs could have been written about me and my life. However your stepkids take it to a whole other level in open aggression, than mine do. Honestly, if I had to put up with this level of aggression, I would take estrangement as a blessed relief.
"take estrangement as a
"take estrangement as a blessed relief."
^That is quotable and I'll remember this whenever getting snubbed by skids or others that are trying to cause harm by their exclusion. If being in their inner circle means that I'm the sacrifical doormat then leave me out!
I just can't imagine...
I just can't imagine...
Fourteen years married is something to be proud of. Fourteen years married with skids like yours is nothing short of miraculous.
It doens't seem like much of a prize after all that, but I hope you and your husband enjoy all the great things in life and his clan is as distant as a bad memory as can be. How hateful and needlessly painful...
I see similarities, too.
The biggest issue I have is when your DH/SO doesn't have your back. He has left you to fend for yourself and isn't willing to fight on your behalf. IMO, this fundamentally changes the level of respect I have for a person (my SO included) when they have shown they do not have the courage to support you nor confront a problem they KNOW is causing issues in your relationship.
Burying your head in the ground and ignoring it should not be an option. But for so many men it is. They cannot handle the emotional confrontations that family matters entail.
Considering the type of a-holes your skids are, if I were your DH I would feel relief that SS changed his last name!
2Tired, You Said It!
You echo the sentiments of so many. Besides the hurt, disrespect and agony, at the heart of it all is the feeling of betrayal when you know you DH doesn't have your back. It just rubs salt into the wound. Secretly DH may tell you he supports your thoughts and feelings, but straddles the fence, and tells SD otherwise, most likely. WHY? IT reminds me of the 7th grade lunchroom table, where only certain kids congregate and talk about others. That's the maturity level I'm assigning to this action.
Don't these DH's know that "confrontation" doesn't have to be down and dirty or even hurtful an any way, but it does require assertiveness and consistency.
Being yelled at by SD or disrespected in any way was bad, but when your DH DOES AND SAYS NOTHING, it's a tragedy, and you are correct in pointing out the respect level greatly decines when this happens. And burying the head in the sand, just assures "IT" or worse, WILL HAPPEN AGAIN, as these SD's become emboldened when they aren't called out and corrected.
DH tells me constantly what an embarrassment SD is, and how humiliated he was with her actions, yet he apologized to HER after she was the ONE YELLING AT BOTH OF US FOR 45 MINUTES. What is wrong with this picture? EVERYTHING! I asked why he felt the need to apologize (saying he could've handled it better...well, I for one agree wholeheartedly) when she was the one who elelcted to behave as any emotionally stunted girl would do. Of course he couldn't justify it, but we all know they are so afraid of losing SD's (most of whom only come around when it suits them, not because of their love and committment to DH). What, honestly do DH's have to lose by standing up to their toxic offspring? Don't they realize their marriages would exponentially improve if THEY ONLY WOULD TAKE THAT STEP??
I can relate on some levels.
I can relate on some levels.
My DH and I have been together for 8 years. BioHo (his ex) put him through he!! during the divorce AND afterwards. She ramped up after we got together/married.
I USED to have a good relationship with the SDs. 'Ho successfully step-PAS'd the SDs, they tried to gaslight me, and I consider them dead to me. They treat my DH like an ATM and only contact him when they want money.
'Ho has been UNsuccessful in her attempts to step-PAS the boys (SS19 and PigPen16). They love DH too much and would rather spend time with him over 'Ho, which irks her to no end. However, possibly as an attempt to "keep peace" at home with 'Ho, PigPen tells 'Ho all manner of things about our home. She has never been allowed inside, but Piggy has fed her enough info to give her an excellent idea. For all we know, he may have drawn her a layout.
After the he!! that 'Ho put DH through during the divorce, he turned into a Disney Dad who was afraid to rock the boat in the fear that 'Ho would make his kids/skids hate him. Thankfully, his Disney days are mostly behind him.
When he can, DH spends a good amount on the skids for Christmas - which is the only time the SDs deign to appear at our home. For that, I am VERY thankful!
I agree with Ybarra357, you
I agree with Ybarra357, you need to stand up for yourself, if your DH was going to stand up for you, he would have done so many years ago.
I went through similar for years, passive aggression, rudeness and all the other step antics. For years I waited for DH to do something about it, he never did. He always told me he had spoken to the SS33 and all would be well. In reality nothing changed, until I decided to protect and stand up for myself.
While I have a really good relationship with 2 of my skids, the third one has been nothing but a nightmare! When I see SS33, I can just about muster a 'hello'. I refuse to give him a two cheek greet, I give him one cheek! He would get the second cheek when I feel he deserves it. I never start a conversation with him. He is not allowed in our home, but the last time he came, I did not offer him or his girlfriend (who is just as rude) a drink. I am very cold. I want to convey the message, that I do not want him in my life unless his behaviour changes.
Recently we had a family gathering, DH made the comment that SS33 and his girlfriend kept to themselves and where nervous! I have no time for him. I am done with any small talk, pretending. They have made it clear that they did not want me in their lives .... I am giving them their wishes.
I could careless what DH says. I waited for DH to do something for 7 years. I am totally disengaged and I am loving it. My position will only change when I see marked behavioural changes in both DH and SS33. I think the bottom line is, in the begininng we want them to like us, we strive for the happy blending. So we put up with all the shit that happens. We are so busy looking out for DH and wanting to be liked, we overlook looking out for ourselves.
Today is a different day. I take care of me! I do not put myself in uncomfortable situation no matter how much DH begs. In this step situation, you need to take care of you! Once you start doing that, things begin to fall into place.
I would have so much fun in
I would have so much fun in your situation. I would so bare the asses of these toxic crotch nuggets and the entire toxic shallow and polluted gene pool that they would cringe any time I was present. As for the XBIL coming over to evict you from your assigned seat at the wedding, I would have given him the finger wag to come closer then wispered (make that yelled) F### OFF! in his ear so loud he wouldn't hear for a week. Since he started the yelling, I would have ruptured his ear drum.
I would resurect every affair, divorce, adulterous spawning, and I would do it over, and over and over again as publically and humiliatingly as I could possibly make it. And I would never stop. Ever.
Toxic morons need to continuosly have their noses forcibly rubbed in the stench of their lives and it needs to be done in a way that delivers the maximum in public humiliation.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
All that said, you have a decision to make. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a neutered non man? He has no balls.