The ex shouldn't be in the house period. For pick up's ex can wait in their car. There's no reason to be in the house period. I swear people don't understand what getting a divorce means. And what are they teaching their kids? That divorce means nothing and everything can be close and hunky dory? Um no. And that mommy and daddy are such good friends and maybe sometimes get together and sometimes they don't and step parent is always the bad one. Talk about confusing to these poor kids. The home is a sacred and private place for you and your marriage. It should be off limits to the ex, period. I don't care whose baby daddy/baby momma they are. They should've thought about that before signing those divorce papers. Set a good example for your marriage and move on. Boundaries with ex needed immensely. Calling you jealous is to distract you from their wrong doing.

It's an invasion of your privacy.  Calling you jealous is disrespectful.

Not unless kid dying and ambulance on the way

Don't allow your DH to tell you how you feel.  The way you feel is your perception and that is all that matters and he should respect that and not try to tell you how you should or shouldn't feel.  

I don't know the answer to the ex coming inside the house.  One time I came home from somehwere (don't remember where) and my DH's adult daughter was visiting (she lived out of town) but ................ when she came to visit BM came with her.  So they were all sitting in the living room talking.  It really wasn't DH's fault because when he answered the door he couldn't very well tell his ex to get lost since daughter and BM were travelling together.  Did I like it -- nope.  It made me very uncomfortable.  You feel like your safe space was invaded.  I would think a decent BM should respect boundaries but they usually don't.  If you make a fuss or say something to the kids then everyone thinks that you are causing problems when things were going smoothly.  So, the long and short of it -- I have no idea what the right answer is.

However your DH should never tell you how you feel.  I second the earlier poster that said it is disrespectful.   I feel strongly about that because my DH did that to me for a lot of years about everything, not just skids, and it gets to where you don't want to communicate at all.

Only if it's OK with you.  I personally am OK with SO's ex coming into the house when she's picking up/dropping off the kids, or when we're having a birthday party for one of the kids (we do joint parties). I totally understand why others would not be, and I certainly have limits.  While I'm OK with her standing in the entryway or the hallway, I don't want her wandering around or sitting down in the living room and making herself at home while she's waiting for the kids.  

Not wanting the ex in the house has nothing to do with lack of trust in one's spouse - it's more about boundaries and privacy and YOUR comfort level.  Neither your husband nor anyone else gets to determine what your comfort level is or should be.  If you don't want the ex in the house, she shouldn't be there.  Period.

It’s annoying but since it’s his house and you two don’t live together you can’t really say that much. You can keep in mind though that if you two marry and live together, it might be a problem.  I am not sure why you are referring to this as marriage if just three weeks ago you were dating and you complained that he rarely sees you. When did you get married and moved in? 

Even if she allows DH in hers. BM without my express invitation is to wait in the driveway.  I should mention I owned my house before I got married and that gives me a bit more control.

When DH and I got married I told him he could invite both BMs for a visit(ONE visit) so that they know where the kids live. Neither replied or came over. DH was the one not comfortable with it.

As far as DH going over their houses it is also uncomfortable for both of us. Sometimes he will go in when bm husband is home alone with ss. There is never going over with him and either BM alone.

It has nothing to do with jealousy. It has to do with healthy boundaries. 

How would your DH feel if you continually texted and met with your ex? Brought your ex into the house? Giggled at his jokes as he sat on your husbands side of the couch? Offered him his favorite tea? How about if that ex was the one who emotionally blackmailed you and made you feel like poo? Well what kind of boundaries would your husband want you to have with your ex ? 

Ew no. I wouldn’t want either of our ex’s in our house either.... just an invasion of privacy, and why?!

if the kids are missing them they can go take them out for dinner or to a movie or walk or whatever. I would be very bothered by this as well. 

What should matter is how you feel about it, and is how you feel doesn’t matter then you have a problem. 

ask the ex if he would be ok with your ex bf coming over next thursday while he's at work.

I would not like this. It's hard enough carving out your space when there are skids.

I understand why he might not see your point of view. He may know in his head that he has no feelings for BM and to him, that's all this could possibly be about. But it's not about that for you, right? It's about a privacy and comfort thing.

Ask how he'd feel if your ex came over to spend some time hanging out. If he says it's different because of the skids, tell him you're not talking about skids and you have no problem with the skids being there. You're strictly talking about exes.

This one is really hard. My ex sometimes comes in my house. But I try to keep it LIMITED. My SO doesn't have a problem with it. EVen more awkward is that I've been inside his ex's house and even HER bedroom. The kids invited me in and wanted to show me around. I know it was super awkward for her, but she did well considering.

My ex doesn't have a partner, but she would be welcome in my home if she existed - but not too much!!! 

I’m torn on this a little.

On the one hand, I don’t think BM entering our house says anything about my DH’s ability to be faithful to me. She could walk through stark naked and it wouldn’t be something I’d need to worry about from that perspective! I trust him, and there’s he’s given me no reason not to

On the other hand—I also really value privacy and not letting just anyone have access to my home and our lifestyle. Since we have been married, BM has never been IN our home—she has only been as far as the front door. That said, she used to live in that home so she knows what it looks like and there’s nothing in there of interest to her as far as I can tell. She’s not the type to insist to come in, so if she did start acting like she wanted to come in regularly—that would be very out of character for her and would make me think she suspects something is awry.

Here's a list of people that I allow in my house: people that I like.

It's ridiculous that your DH expects you to have BM in the house and just be fine with it. I'm sure he would be totally fine with it if he were in your situation, right? Nope.

It's uneccessary, it will only cause problems, and you don't like it. Your feelings matter. End of story. I would put my foot down about this.

Ex is NEVER allowed in the house. Life isn't about what the ex wants and asks for. It's not doing damage to the kids to deny them access. In fact it's actually teaching them about boundaries.

No go on coming in the home. There's NO REASON why that would ever be okay. 

It's not about jealousy. It's about maintaining the sanctity of the home. And to do that. The exes need to stay away.

Unless there are some kind of extenuating circumstances, a parent should visit with their child in their own homes or outside their EX's home.  Again, extreme situations like a very ill or imobile child.. might mean accomodations.. or if there are joint parties that are being held at one parent's home or the other. 

Otherwise, I don't see why a person would want their EX spouse in their new home... THAT seems to be the weird thing and out of the ordinary... not that the new SO is uncomfortable with it. 

Now, OP is apparently not residing in the guy's home... so at a basic level, she doesn't have the right to have a say over who he has in his home.  However, if she has made it clear to him that she is uncomfortable with his EX having access to the home where she spends a lot of time and might have possessions there/have possessions at the home... and his first instinct is to PRESERVE his Ex's ability to be in the home.. and justify it... and accuse OP of negative thoughts.. well then.. this is NOT the guy for OP.  Her feelings are being pushed aside and she can expect that this type of thing will go on in the future and won't improve if/when they would be cohabitating.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. 

This would be a big ‘ol NOPE from me. 

Out of respect to my spouse, my ex isn’t welcome inside our home, and my ex and I are on okay terms. 

For me, it was NEVER. Not only NEVER, but SS had to leave his house key whenever he visited BM (who never let him have a key to her house). So when BM's latest victim I mean husband bought a house a couple of years ago, the other half of our duplex was for sale, and BM made a point if having their agent show it. While I was home. SS was with and stopped in to say hi to me (useful minion agent). Pissed me off but I didn't even raise an eyebrow, outwardly.

No time in my life or space in my home for these game-playing, no-boundary-having, territory-marking b*tches. None.

That said, if DH's ex was actually a decent human being (hint: I wouldn't have sought this site if that were the case), it might he a whole different ballgame. My co-worker has a super-healthy relationship with her exH & his wife, and I am jealous of that on all of our behalves!

I tend to lean a little towards dramatics, but I would probably burn my own house down just to prove the point that she's not welcome any near it. 

From a man's perspective, my ex is not allowed to shadow our doorstep.  She showed up in the driveway unannounced, one time.  I met her in the driveway and chewed her ass, telling her is was completely unacceptable that she just show up at our house and it better not happen again.  I won't disrespect my wife by giving my ex a presence in our lives.  She's a vindictive, angry woman who takes hers before anyone else gets theirs.  I have nothing to do with her, and won't put my sweet wife in her firing line.

To answer your question......

H@LL NO!!!

No explanations required, no need for understanding, it's just a H@LL NO! The fact that someone would even think this is ok is mind boggling to me.

She USED to be ok, and we used to go into each others homes, but after all of her toxic behavior and the time she charged into our home in the morning while we were sleeping and then cursed at us, nope not allowed.

And after this latest incident with Toxic Eldest telling her father what a horrible person I am and how she hates me, the first thing I am going to do when I buy the house is change the locks.

This is a problem I don't have in Steplife, BD lives several states away so he rarely is ever here and when he does come for a visit it feels more like a cousin or other family member visiting, plus he brings his SO with him and they are both there visiting with the Skids and Gskids.  Plus he is pretty harmless, kind of big dumb dog, not really effective in any manner he's just there.

I might be alone here but if ex isn’t high conflict I really don’t see the issue. I would allow any of SDs family into my home because it’s her home as well, why shouldn’t she have visitors too?

I treat it similarly to all visitors though. They must give warning, they must knock, and they don’t snoop lol I’ve never had a problem with it. 

Bm lives 5 hours away but whenever they come for pickup or drop-off, I invite them in (bm and her mom) for coffee. It’s good for SD to see us getting along. 

I’d invite SDs family on BMs side into our home if we lived closer, too. BMs dad and stepmom have been lovely to me. 

No.  End of discussion.

An X is an X for a reason.  An X has no business in the lives of those in a subsequent relationship,  including their own children when those children are with the other parent and the new family. 

Interestingly my XW had a master plan for us to date after we divorced.  "When you are in town we can date and can even sleep together ... if you use a condom."  No shit.  She really said this.

My response was that I had been married to her so what on Earth made her thing I would want to date her much less sleep with her.  She was all butt hurt.

That is one of my earlier manifestations of reconnecting with the Rags I enjoy being.

Even if there are kids involved the inviolability of the new marriage in regards to the presence of an X is just that. Inviolate.  Kids do not get a say regarding the new marriage or mommy' or daddy's (the X's) visiting the home.

This crap needs to be met with absolute clarity immediately. "No! I know you love  your other parent but your other parent has their own home and you have a family there with them.  You have a family here as well.  The other parent is not part of this family. You are."

Lather, rinse, repeat.

This isn't about your spouse being tempted to cheat with the X, this is about the invioalte nature of  your marriage, home and family. That this is confusing to your SO is disturbing.

Thank goodness it's not just me then! My SO decided, in his wisdom, to take BM in to our house as the skids wanted it, WHEN I WAS WORKING. He never asked me, she was all through our home as the skids wanted to show them their bedrooms, the kitchen, everywhere really.. 

I felt extremely upset, violated and that my 'safe place' had been ruined. SO didn't understand and got angry at me for 'making a fuss over nothing'. Oh to actually have someone think about us for once eh?

If everyone is getting along and you and her have a mutually friendly relationship then ONLY if you are around. She should not be in the house if you are not there period. 

it would never happen even if hubbys 2 girls who are under custody/controlled by their mum begged or told hubby mum wants to visit our home. Thats our private personal space, she is not a family member, this isn’t her home, she doesn’t reside here or ever will, she’s a psycho screw loose manipulative narcissistic biatch who spread lies about me (never met me) and has been on a vindictive rampage to cause chaos and destroy hubbies life because the harsh reality set in that she has always been a shit wife, shit mother, couldn’t take care of hubby while they were married or their kids so when hubby divorced her arse, she had to get even at the detriment of her kids, they’re just her pawns and they’re too blind to see it...

her coming to your home is telling and showing you she is boss still and can dictate things and control you. Show her who the real boss is and that you can’t be controlled by her

This EX wants to still have control over your DH and feel she has a say in your relationship. She is trying to make you be the bad guy. Who cares if the SKs ask for it. DH needs to explain that they are no longer together and what that entails. They have two different houses. two different families, two different celebrations for holidays/birthdays/etc. Why does your DH feel the need to discount your feelings and focus on his relationship with BM instead of you? He should be focusing on how he can help facilitate his CURRENT wife's relationship with his children. YOU GUYS are a family now, not them. If he wants to continue to play "happy family" with her, then I would leave. Totally inappropriate. 

This is one of the reasons my previous relationship ended, amongst other things. There were no boundaries with the ex. The ex did not respect me nor our relationship whatsoever and my SO allowed this. As princess Di once said "There were three of us and the marriage felt crowded." I honestly didn't care if the ex was in the house but what bothered me was that the ex was at our house when I was not there and unbeknownst to me and I was not involved in any decision making whatsoever regarding that (or anything else for that matter.)