"You do you, DH. You aren't a child. You know what you're doing. I'm never going to be okay with 45 minute phone calls with your ex about your nearly-grown kid who you talk to for an hour everyday. If you want to consider my feelings, do it out of respect for me, not disdain. If you can't do that, then I'd rather you not consider me at all."

Then walk away. He doesn't want to treat you like an equal, because in his eyes, you aren't. BM will always be more equal than you because she birthed his kids. You have to either accept that or walk away from it. Neither are fun choices.

I'm sorry he is an arse. Let him know that his actions hurt, that a half-hearted apology doesn't make it better, and it's tiring you out. The more apathetic you become, the easier ot becomes to make a level-headed decision.

I don't know - my position would be, who cares.  Let him do as he pleases. Unless you feel he's cheating with BM, just stay out of it. It's not your place to manage his phone calls - do you tell him how long he can speak to friends or his mother?

Is it over the top? Yes - but not yours to control.

JMHO.

Here’s how I look at it: it’s fine. 

And here’s why I don’t think it’s a bad thing for DH and BM to talk about their kids:

1. I will never feel about the skids they way they each do and by talking they can share that mutual interest. 

2. I don’t have to talk about the skids as much. 

3. I talk to my ex about my kid, sometimes they are longer talks. And I know DH would not have the same level of feeling or interest. 

4. My parents divorced when I was way into adulthood and yet my dad has said he misses having someone else to talk to who knows us kids. To talk about our lives and what’s going on, maybe share a memory. I wish my parents got along like my ex and I so they could do that  

So long as they aren’t talking about private things like their own relationships and he’s not making you out to be some shrew who doesn’t support him, it’s fine. It’s the guilt trip he tried to lay on you that’s not okay. 

My ex and I stopped conversing as soon as the kids were old enough to take care of things on their own. They were right around 14 or so. It wasn't ideal for them, I'm sure it was draining that their BDad wouldn't talk to their  mom because SM was jealous. It was ridiculous that my kids SM would freak out and not allow him to speak to me.  I understood though that he was putting his marriage first; something he didn't do during our 16yr marriage. He learned the hard way when I left and I see he's not making the same mistake and will keep her happy. It's sucked for me and my kids but good for him. It made the kids independent and they have learned to problem solve quite well. I think your DH should honor you and your requests considering the age of his adult child. it doesn't sound like you are to controlling, it just sounds like you feel out of the loop. 

Can not have long talks with there EX s.  If you want long talks with your EX don’t get involved with someone else.  If you are involved with someone else, EX has to be out of the picture.  With a 18 yo a text or e mail should about birth control pill should of been enought.  Not a 45 minute talk ??

YOU are his wife. DH's primary obligation and duty is to YOU. DH knows this and that is why he is struggling with conflicted feelings. Disdain and duty are oppositional - atta boy DH..get your panties in a knot over something that should be quite clear! 

His angst/anger about this situation is really just misplaced guilt. He needs to stop directing it at you...it's about HIM. BM is stringing him along and using SD to do it.  The only way BM will stop is if he ceases to enable her.  SD is 18...no more middle mom necessary.

This might shed some light: 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/theory-knowledge/201305/understa...

I would not be concerned about phone calls per se, but the length and frequency of which your partner needs to talk to and about his adult offspring, to me suggests enmeshment.  BM is mailing SD's birth control pills to your house?  doesn't that strike anyone as weird?  Surely SD should be in charge of her own contraceptive arrangements.  

SD is 18. There is absolutely no reason for BM to insert herself into the delivery of SD's birth control. SD is old enough to go to the doctor herself, order the medication herself, track the package, and pick it up at Dad's herself. No reason for BM to be involved. 

No reason for Dad to even know what's in the package. A quick call or text to daughter that a package arrived for you would be sufficient.

He wants to know why we can't be together ,

why I won't let him back in my life especially now that one  of his kids is 19 and one is 17 and 1/2. So I gave the example of his Dd19 totaling her car as a prime example.  BM is high conflict and a Boundary crosser. She also has borderline personality disorder so she fears abandonment. She wants to keep her children close and dependent upon her so they don't abandon her and this means they aren't independent and they aren't mature and they aren't launching.  He doesn't help them launch when he enables her personality disorder. So I told y'all his daughter came to my work in her sister's borrowed car. I asked her what her budget was. I assisted her in going through ads but I was making her do the work. After all she is the one who hit the deer. He just gave BM a check . Not his daughter who is 19 and in college but BM. I said , " so there you go. That's why we aren't together . Your daughter is an adult . I get that she will need guidance but guide her. Don't do it for her!

I successfully coparent with my ex husband and his new wife. I screen shottrd like a champ that out 10 year old got two zeros for homework and got her grade pulled down to a C with a quick text , "It looks like V is up to her old tricks again." And He responded back "on it". That took less than one minute communication. Do you know why we are good at coparenting ? Cause it's very brief and to the point and solely about the children. We trust each other's motives because it's never about feelings and our past and all that crap 

I get to set the rules about what I do and do not accept from a partner. I will NOT be in a relationship with a man who is in a relationship (even if platonic) with a previous partner.  Not negotiable. 

Others can do what they want.   But I will not tolerate things that are unacceptable to me. 

I get to set the rules about what I do and do not accept from a partner. I will NOT be in a relationship with a man who is in a relationship (even if platonic) with a previous partner.  Not negotiable. 

Others can do what they want.   But I will not tolerate things that are unacceptable to me. 

In all this I'm curious to know how your H would feel if you were on the phone with an X for 45 minutes every other day discussing your grown 18 year old? Please explain to me how well that would sit with him and throw in how your X was reminiscing on some old photos and "misses" how we use to be. Give me a break and get the heck out of here with that nonsense.

There is nothing you can tell me that justifiies 45 minute conversations every day for a 18 year old..............None!

You have a lot of really great advice here, and I read your previous blogs. So, to not repeat everything written above, I will simply relay my own experiences and how I dealt with things. 

When we were new to our relationship, like 2 months in, after 1 1/2 year friendship, the ex freaked out on him, and texted him some sexual stuff, which he showed me. He said that they were mostly lies, but it hurt. Because even though he had moved her out a few years earlier, after catching HER cheating, they still went out and did stuff together, socially, like dancing and a concert and holiday family gatherings. I thought it odd at the time, but I was involved with someone else at the time, so whatever. Wel, when she freaked out he revealed that a month before we started our relationship, they had been intimate for the last time. I chose to stay, I chose to believe that he was truly over her, and she wasnt over things.

Cut to a year and change later. She has a live-in boyfriend, I am staying mostly with him, but had my own place still. I see a text from her "are you cumming over soon? tee hee, lol" I was livid. It was later in the evening. We had a HUGE discussion, where he confessed that "sometimes, when shes been drinking she sends me zingers like that, with sex in them somehow". He called her, told her CLove absolutely did NOT like her texting him things like that and she would need to stop. Her reply was "thank goodness I do not have a jeaous boyfriend! LOL." He responded that it was not that I was jealous, it was inapropriate to text your ex things of that nature. 

Like what BM said to your DH. Totally inappropriate! Set that b!ttch straight. Immediately. 

ToxicTroll is constantly texting about her relationships, to try to stay relevant in DH's life, somehow. She got mad at me a few months ago, and texted me that she hopes then-SO would give me the boot. Well, he married me soon after! Boy did she have a hissy fit! Texted him several times the day of our wedding "congratulations, I hope third time is the charm for u!" (they were married in a courthouse, and then had a ceremony with family.) "the girls are devastated and do not except your wife!" (Jokes on her, they both said congratulations, and Munchkin SD12 said "great now I have an easier time explaining to my friends who you are, and now I know you wont disappear anytime soon!")

Those long phone calls. Yeah, um no, not necessary at all. It sounds, from reading your previous blogs, like you mmight need to go through some marriage counseling. Although it sounds like things are tight right now. Im a bit sensitive, and my fur goes up anytime ToxicTroll has contact, just because she has been so horrible. You need her out of your life as much as possible!

I get that it might be comforting talking with someone who cares about your child as much as you do. I get all that. And in my case they were together for 20 years. So I get that there is history. Its just so messed up to keep that connection with the ex. Period. My DH gets that. He keeps contact minimal. Just how I like it.

Hi I am am new here to this site.

I first would like to say that I am sorry that you are going through this.

I can tell you from experience that unnecessary or over exaggerated contact from an ex-wife can wreck havoc in your household.

I am 15 years into this situation and I can tell you it all boils down to two things, boundaries and motivation.

Boundaries that are set by your husband and you with the ex regarding her contact with him. The second part is finding out what exactly is the motivation for all of her unnecessary contact. Is it really about the kids? In most situations when it is excessive, and the conversation is side tracked to other things other than issues about the children usually it is not about the children at all.

Unfortunately men by nature can't usually see this and are blind to the situation. It is often that they still have that chivalry thing going on and they think they are not supposed to ignore her neediness. In most situations the ex knows this and knows EXACTLY what she is doing and is not likely to stop unless she is forced to. This would all come from your husband. It does take time and I know that can be hard and cause a lot of trouble and fights between you.

It is not to say that when there is a real problem with a child that parents would need to talk. Yes I can see that sometimes they would but it also depends on the dynamics of the situation too. Is the ex just looking for reasons to call or is there are real problem? The age of the children matters also. If the ex is disrespecting boundaries and the children are old enough to speak for themselves then maybe they can contact their father themselves.

Where birth control is being sent for an 18 year old girl is not an emergency. Other parts to that scenario could be but my question is why does it need to be sent to her father's house at all? Why can't she receive it where she is living?

I am curious as to what your relationship is with the ex in that does she treat you with respect when she sees you at a function and is she civil to you in general? Or is she trying to continue on her family life with your husband and acting like you don't exist or making comments to him about your involvement in the kids lives.

While what he said is definately wrong... what he is doing is F-ed up and pathetic. He needs to quit the bonding bullshit with his XW and go directly to his kid on this crap. An 18yo should not need mommy and daddy to manage her birth control for her. 

If I were you this discussion would be far from over.  His sleeping on it and coming to the conclusion that what he said is wrong would have me rubbing his idiot nose in far deeper issues than just what he said. I would be shoving the stench of all of his pathetic historic XW and Skid catering behaviors up his nose in all of their full rank glory.  Until he knocked that crap off or left.  He wouldn't have much time to gain clarity either. About as long as it would take for the locksmith to show up to rekey the locks after I finished rubbing his nose in his crap.